by Caroline Day
‘Flip a pancake.’ This is me. Not shouting but a bit loud, well, really quite loud, and maybe even shouting in fact, but only a little bit, I think, not properly yell, yell, yell, and the old lady on the next table looks at me again. And Julie and Danny Flynn say what’s wrong, and I say I think I am meant to be at work because of it being … and I’m trying to think which day it is, and I’m angry with my muddled old jumble head, because when you have a real job like I do, it’s important to be reliable, and to know which days and not to forget to go.
But I don’t need to think very long because of Danny Flynn saying it’s Thursday, so I’m not meant to be at work today anyway, and not to worry, he’s spoken to Karen and she knows all about Jenny and about me being in hospital, because remember, Hope, that it was Karen who guessed I would be in the park last night, when nobody could find me. And he says that Karen says only to go back to work when I’m good and ready, and that she said to make sure to give me her love and say she’s thinking about me. And I’m a bit confused, because of not thinking that Karen, my boss, and Danny Flynn knew each other, but in fact it’s not a big mystery at all, that’s what he says, because of me going away from my house, running without my phone, and because of my mum, Jenny, falling on the floor, and her phone was there too in the kitchen, and Danny used both of our phones to find the numbers of the people who might be able to help. And it wasn’t stealing because my phone is right here, see – and he takes it out of his pocket and puts it on the table – and my mum’s phone is safe and sound, at his house to give her back when she wakes up.
And the light is still doing the thing that is making my head feel funny: bright light, bright, and then not bright. And it’s doing a little buzz, too. And in my head, I’m thinking about being on my own in my home, and I’m thinking that I can do it because of being independent and all the practice and the rules and clocks and locks and brushing my hair and cleaning my teeth … But I’m thinking too about the making a cup of tea and forgetting about what goes in where – even if I do know about the teabags and the cups and the kettle, and even if I’m very good at making it usually – because sometimes my brain doesn’t want to remember what to do. I’m thinking about my mum saying: oh, Hope, did you really do that?
And I’m thinking about a time when all the lights went out, because of a cut, and even when I pressed the switches they didn’t come on, and I’m thinking about my shouting and shouting and not liking the dark and my mum, Jenny, saying not to worry and look, here are candles, and look, isn’t this cosy. And I’m thinking about a box of Roses and a hand holding mine. And the light is going up, down, up, up, down. And I’m putting my hand in front of my eyes, because of the light hurting my brain. But I can still see Danny Flynn. And I say: ‘Can I get my get my special blanket? And my golden notebook. And also my pillow? From my bed? If I come to your house, please, with the sweet bath and the telly in my room? But can I have my real own pillow from my real own bed? Because I like my pillow best.’
5
RESEARCH
14
It is very good that I am staying at Danny Flynn’s house and that is because of a really important reason. I didn’t even know it before I came. It’s not just because of having my own pillow – and also my own pyjamas, because we collected them too, from my house, from under my pillow. They’re trousers, not just open with a tie, so nobody can see my bottom when I walk around – although because of the sweet bathroom that’s OK, because that’s just my space, with nobody in there too. The very, very good reason for coming to Danny Flynn’s house, is because of Barry. I think Barry is happy to have me here too, because he follows me everywhere and when I sit down, he sits down too, and he looks at me with his big eyes. And when we’re having our cup of tea with a nice slice of fruit cake, he sits right under my chair and, if I put my hand down, he licks my fingers. Danny Flynn’s mum says he’s a Yorkie Shit-Poo because of being a cross between a Yorkshire terrier and a poodle and also a Shih Tzu, but Danny Flynn says what she means is Barry’s a little rescue mutt. And I’m still laughing and laughing because of his mum saying the dog was a Shit-Poo, because of that being so funny and very rude.
And Danny Flynn’s mum says she can see how much Barry likes me, and that Danny told her about me working as a dog walker, and what a nice job. But I can’t answer her because of still laughing, and some of the tea has gone on my white hoodie, on the sleeve, because of me spitting it out from my mouth with all the laughing.
Danny Flynn’s mum is called Bridget and her hair is like the colour of horseradish sauce – this is me showing, not telling, and anyway it is not white, not like snow or paper, and it is not grey, like the sky – and her skin is a little bit more pinky-white than Danny Flynn’s, but I don’t know how to show that, because of it not really looking like anything else, except maybe a nail polish that Veronica Ptitsky was wearing in the last writing class, but with a white line at the end of her nails.
She has freckles, Bridget does, which are more like the colour of tea with milk in or maybe those biscuits which are for dipping in your tea which is called dunking. Those ones are called Rich Tea biscuits, like they are biscuits with lots of money. But mostly they are only on her nose and on her arms, the freckles. And she has a big gap between her front teeth which makes a little whistle when she says sh … She has an accent, too, much more than Danny Flynn does, which makes it sound like she is always in a good mood. She talks quite a lot. Not as much as me – although I’m not talking so much right now, because of the laughing. And she says what a shame it is, about my mum being poorly, but she’s sure that she will be right as rain in no time, and in any case, it’s nice for them to have me staying for a little while. It will make a change to have a bit of female company, when it’s usually just her and her boys. She means Danny and Connor and Barry.
‘You shouldn’t really say that a recovery is something you’re sure about. Particularly as statistics would suggest a higher chance of Hope’s mother not making …’ This is Connor Flynn now, and it’s the first time he’s said anything apart from hello, Hope. But he doesn’t finish what he’s saying because of Bridget saying, not right now Connor.
Their kitchen table is square but a bit longer on two sides, and made out of wood, with six chairs around it. And Bridget is in one chair and I am in one chair, with Barry just under it, by my feet. And Danny Flynn is in one chair and beside him is Connor Flynn. Connor looks like Danny quite a lot, with hair that is a bit brown and a little bit orange, just with more of it on the top of his forehead, where Danny doesn’t have quite so much, and it’s curly too but not so long. Connor has a face which is thinner. In fact all of his body is a little bit thinner too. And his eyes don’t look at me when he’s talking, which is a bit funny, because of Danny always looking at me and Bridget looking at me too when she’s saying, with her nice accent, more tea, and can I fit in another slice of cake?
Connor is looking out of the side of his eyes, and it’s like there is someone else standing beside me that is more interesting to talk to than me. Or something in the corner of the room maybe. But in fact there isn’t anybody else there. I checked. And when he talks he does a thing with his fingers like he’s stretching them or maybe playing the piano with them, except for maybe one finger on each hand. But I’m thinking this is not an exercise for his fingers, but maybe it’s because of his being on the rainbow, which is the one for autism, because of Danny Flynn saying that and also because when I was at school there was a boy in one of the classes, but not in my class, and his name was Edward and he did a thing with his hand, which was like waving it all the time, even when there was nobody there to wave at, and it was because of the autism. Some of the other children in school said that he was my boyfriend but really I didn’t even know him or talk to him. It was only because of thinking we both had rainbow brains and thinking we were both a Stupid Spaz. They said that it was true love, but it wasn’t really any sort of love at all.
In my head, I’m thinking about m
y rules, the ones that are important and golden, and I’m thinking about the rule that we don’t ask other people personal questions, like how much they weigh or how much money they have or if they’re a Tory or a … the other one. And maybe asking about the autism is like that. And there was a thing, that Danny Flynn said, a special thing, actually, about a special vegetable rainbow, which name I can’t find in my head right now. I’m thinking that his brother, that’s Connor Flynn, might not want to talk about it. So instead of asking about that, now that I’m not laughing at the Shit-Poo thing anymore, I talk about me and about the dogs and the walking. I tell them the names of all the dogs and which ones are the best at coming back and which ones have to stay on the leads and which ones are always going away into the trees.
‘In fact only between eight percent and forty-one percent of out-of-hospital cardiac arrest cases will make a recovery, depending on which research sources you’re trusting. Cardiopulmonary resuscitation can double, or some sources say triple, survival rates but only if it is administered correctly and within the first minutes following arrest. Outside of that, the chances of death or of hypoxia resulting in life-affecting—’
‘Connor. Hope really does not want to hear …’ This is Bridget.
At the same time I’m saying: ‘Are you a doctor?’
‘I’m not a doctor.’ This is Connor and although he’s answering my question his eyes are looking off to the side, like into the corner of the room. But he’s laughing with his mouth although not with any sound. ‘But I do like to read The Lancet and The British Medical Journal to keep up with the latest studies and research. Danny says I’m a walking encyclopaedia, though he says most of it is useless information. But this is how I come to know a lot about cardio …’
‘Connor is studying biochemistry. He’s doing a distance …’ This is Danny Flynn.
‘Clinical biochemistry, and it’s an online post-graduate diploma.’ This is Connor. ‘I’m studying the links between metabolic factors and incidence of autism spectrum disorders. My underlying …’
‘I have a disorder. Me too. A spectrum disorder too.’ I’m shouting, only a little bit, and maybe it’s interrupting but I think that’s all right because of it being a conversation and because of it being the same subject and not just something from my head. And because of Connor Flynn talking a lot, so maybe it’s OK for it to be my turn now. ‘It’s a spectrum too. But mostly I call it a rainbow instead because of sometimes forgetting and because of a rainbow being like a spectrum with all the colours spread out in the sky.’
I’m saying the word spectrum again and it feels nice in my mouth because of usually forgetting it and now I know it’s the right word. ‘I’m just a little bit blue or maybe a bit indigo, like the colours, but not red or orange, which is when you maybe can’t have a real job or go—’
‘… theory is that an individual’s personal endocrine and environmental make-up have a pivotal role in determining whether or not …’ This is Connor Flynn. And this is a bit like interrupting, even though he was talking first, because even with me telling him about the rainbow, he is still telling me about his studying. Maybe Danny Flynn thinks it’s a little bit interrupting too, because he’s looking at his mother and she’s looking at him. And they’re both smiling, and they’re shaking their heads, just a little bit, too.
I’m thinking maybe Connor Flynn didn’t hear me. So I tell him again, with my hand up to show it’s not really interrupting, and, actually, it’s more like still my turn.
‘My spectrum is because of my birth mother, because of her drinking vodka and beer and wine when I was in her tummy, and because of it going into my brain and making—’
‘Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.’
Connor Flynn must be very clever because that is exactly right. And I’m opening my mouth to tell him that, but he’s still talking, so I don’t say anything.
‘FASD being the umbrella term for the range of effects caused by prenatal alcohol consumption and the leading non-genetic cause of learning disability in the UK. The term recognises the broad spectrum of manifestations. The fact that alcohol in utero could have repercussions on the gestating baby has been acknowledged for centuries, of course, however it was only in, I’m thinking 1971 or ’72, maybe 1973, that Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, the first diagnosable form to be discovered, was named, recognising the physical and neurological effects of prenatal alcohol consumption on the gestating child. Estimates generally range from affected population being between nought point nine and five percent although a more recent study suggested up to seventeen percent of UK babies.’
I’m still not saying anything. I’m just looking at him with my mouth a little bit open, because I do want to tell him something – that labels don’t matter, it’s only people that matter – and it’s important to tell him, but I’m also listening to all the numbers and trying to think what they mean. And it’s a bit like it’s blocked in my brain and so I don’t say anything.
Connor Flynn really does seem to know a lot of things. His diploma must be a very good one, I think. Because, actually, he’s very clever.
‘Until recently, diagnosis has largely relied on the facial characteristics of thin upper lip, smooth philtrum and small palpebral fissures, as well as small stature and reduced intellectual ability. However most individuals on the broader FASD spectrum have no craniofacial effects and IQ will often be within average parameters. Individuals will have a unique presentation of symptoms, of varying severity, while wider manifestations may include difficulties with memory, motor and cognitive skills, language, attention, executive function, emotional regulation, allied with impulsiveness and lack of risk-awareness, difficulties in social interaction and difficulties with attention. Studies have identified 428 other conditions which may co-occur with FASD. Multiple similarities and crossovers with ADHD and autism spectrum disorders, though, in FASD the cause is evident, whereas with ADHD and autism spectrum disorders there are vastly differing theories.’
I think he’s finished talking. I’m thinking maybe now I’ll tell him about labels not mattering. Only people. But, actually, he hasn’t finished.
‘FASD correlates to lifelong brain damage caused by the consumption of alcohol, a teratogenic compound, during pregnancy, due to the placenta’s inability to stop it passing through to the foetus. The varying manifestations can be attributed to the point in gestation at which—’
‘Connor, please …’ This is Danny Flynn.
Connor Flynn looks at him, or more sort of past him. It is a moment before he talks again. ‘Back in my box?’
‘Back in your box.’ When they smile they both have the dimples. Danny Flynn is looking at me and he’s doing a thing with his eyes like making them go round in a circle, but Connor Flynn is still looking into the corner of the room, like there is a thing he needs to watch there. For a little bit I’m looking into the corner too, because maybe that’s where the box is. But then I’m thinking that, in fact, it’s not a real box, and it’s only a joke one that they’re pretending about.
On the wall is a picture and it’s with both of them except they’re not grown-up men, they’re boys with curly hair, and even Danny Flynn has it all over his head, at the front too, and they are standing on the sand and wearing swimming trunks, even though it’s not very sunny. Danny Flynn is taller than Connor Flynn – that’s just in the picture, because now it is Connor who is taller than Danny. Next to them is Bridget except with hair that is more the colour of mustard than horseradish, and longer, not short like now, and with a floppy hat on top. And there is a man, too, who has hair like leaves when they’re red not green, and he has a smile with dimples too, and shorts and a shirt, but with short sleeves not long ones. And I know who he is because Danny Flynn showed me the photograph already when he was telling me about all the rooms and the house. He is Fergus Flynn, who was Danny and Connor’s father although not now because of being no longer with us, sadly, because of cancer.
‘You’ll have to exc
use my brother.’ This is Danny Flynn, and he’s talking to me. ‘Connor sometimes forgets not all of us are as fascinated by every fact and statistic and piece of trivia as he is.’
Connor Flynn is smiling into his chest and looking out of the corner of his eyes and he says: ‘That’s because you’re not clever enough to understand them.’ Danny Flynn punches him on the arm, but it’s not very hard, not like boxers, more like he’s really doing it very gently, maybe not even touching him at all, but still with his fingers folded up to pretend it’s a proper hit.
Connor Flynn is twenty-eight years old, which is older than me, because I’m twenty-five. And he has lots of certificates already, like one in maths and one in chemistry but that one’s not biochemistry, only the normal kind. And he did have a job when he was younger and he liked it when he was making tables, but ones on computers, not real ones for eating. They were tables that would measure things that were called probable outcomes and were all about families and their money and their salaries and their buying behaviours, and it was in a bank, but he didn’t like it when other people didn’t understand about his outcomes and said about him not being good at explaining and about it not being obvious what it meant. He has four A Levels and even two in maths, because of one being an even harder maths. And what he likes most is research, because of it being a process. And he does some different work now, not the same job. Because of wanting a change.
Now it is research, which is called academic, and that helps him to have money to do more studying, but mostly he doesn’t do it with other people, because of finding it better to work just with evidence and numbers. He has eleven GCSEs and that is four more than his brother. I don’t know how many more it is than me because of not being able to remember how many I have. I know I do have some. I think I do, because of having to make a cushion about me, which I put a dog picture and some buttons on, and an apron, which I gave to my mum, and also some other tests, like maths, but I think that was different letters to GCSE, because of not being with the other children. I can’t remember what letters it was. Maybe it wasn’t GCSEs.
