I’m sorry, Mama…I’m so sorry….
“Emma?” Jared’s voice, right beside her. She hadn’t heard him approach.
She glanced up at the clock on the wall. Snib would be pulling up to the service entrance any minute now. She’d put off the inevitable long enough. She had to tell Jared goodbye. She looked into eyes green as a Scottish glen. Eyes that had known so much loss, so much pain. She couldn’t imagine her life without him.
“There now,” Jared said, drawing her into his arms. “What’s this? My brave lass in tears? There’s to be none of that now. Davey is going to wake up and start demanding his trowel. Complaining summer is not yet over and there are treasures still to be found.”
Emma caught her lower lip between her teeth, reaching for strength she wasn’t sure she had. “I’m sure he will. But…Jared, I…I have to leave. This is insanity, all those cameras crowding the hospital. The press.”
“Sure, you need a break. It’s no wonder. I can’t leave Davey. But Seamus can sneak you out for a bit. It’ll do you good to get some air.”
“It’s more than that. I need my family. I’ve held them off this long, but if I don’t fly to them soon, they’ll be charging in here, wanting to make sure I’m all right.”
She saw Jared’s shoulders tighten, knew the battle he waged. Needing her, but wanting to give her what she needed even more. “They love you,” he said after a moment. “You can come back once you’ve rested.”
His selflessness wrenched her, so far from the gruff, prickly, temperamental man who’d met her in the airport five weeks ago. But she couldn’t let that weaken her resolve. Emma stiffened and pulled away from him. “I won’t be coming back to Scotland. Not ever.”
“What?” Jared paled. “But the movie—what about—”
“I rang Barry Robards this morning. I pulled out of Lady Valiant.”
“Emma, no!”
“He was relieved, really. He liked the fact that I could do my own sword-fighting stunts, but he didn’t have a lot more confidence in my performance than you did when I first came to the castle. Besides, with all the negative publicity surrounding me at the moment, he’d just as soon not have me attached to the movie. This gives him the perfect excuse to wait for his wife to heal.”
“For God’s sake! You can’t—”
“I have to do this. For Davey’s sake. And yours. Don’t you see? If I leave, the story dies. There’s not enough to keep the press here. But if I’m in Scotland, filming, the story will take on a life of its own. They’ll never stop, Jared. Never.”
“They can go to bloody hell!” Jared raged. “Lady Aislinn is the role of a lifetime! What you’ve always wanted, Emma! And you’ll be brilliant at it. You can’t do this!”
“It’s already done.”
Jared’s jaw knotted. “And us?” he demanded. “What about us, Emma?”
Emma drew on every ounce of will she had. “We’re impossible as a couple, just like you said. We always were. You want to live the rest of your life with men like Feeny thrusting cameras into your face? You want to live in fear of what new headline will be blazed across the gossip rags? That I’m cheating, you’re cheating, whatever lie they want to print to sell copies?”
Jared’s chin jutted out in stubborn denial. “We’ll know it isn’t true.”
“And what about next time someone else gets caught in the crossfire? What if some kid like Davey gets killed? What if next time, the child lying in that hospital bed is our own? A son or daughter I was selfish enough to bring into the world so they could be hunted, their every move stalked?”
“Other actors and actresses manage somehow. We would too. Emma you’re exhausted. Half out of your mind with worry. It’s no wonder you’re—”
“No, Jared. I’m thinking clearly for the first time since we made love and I…spun all those crazy dreams. There’s nothing you can say to change my mind.”
Jared’s throat convulsed. His eyes filled with pain. “But I love you.”
A sob strangled her. She forced it back. “I’m sorry for that, too.” She tried to turn away, but he caught her in his arms, compelling her to meet his soul-searing gaze.
“No, Emma. Don’t be sorry. Not for that. Not ever.” He kissed her cheeks, her lips, her hair, his body so warm, so familiar against hers. Her heart broke, knowing she’d never feel the solidness, the strength of him again. “It’s not over, Emma,” Jared growled. “Damn it, I won’t let it be over.”
She stiffened, made herself draw away. “It’s not your choice to make. It’s mine. And you know…know how stubborn I am once I decide.”
A low groan came from Davey’s room. Mrs. Harrison cried out, “He’s waking up! Thank God. Dr. Butler! My boy is waking up!”
“M-Mum?” Davey’s voice. “What’re you doing here? Summer’s not…over yet.”
Emma wept with relief, joy driving some of the shadows from Jared’s face as Mrs. Harrison cried, murmuring something to her son.
“Where’s Dr….Dr….Butler?” Davey asked groggily. “Some…thermo-dating Beth an’I need to get for him…soon as poss—ouch! My arm hurts. My head…” Alarm threaded through Davey’s faint voice. Fear only Jared could calm. “Dr. Butler…where is he?”
“He’s calling you,” Emma said, gratitude and loss warring inside her.
“Emma, I have to…I can’t…”
“Go to him,” Emma said.
But Jared grabbed her arms, so obviously torn it made Emma ache for him. “Wait for me,” he pleaded. “Just until tonight. At the castle…we’ll talk about this at the castle.”
Davey’s voice came from the room. “Mum…Dr. Butler…where’s Dr…”
Emma nudged him toward the room. “Go.”
“Stay,” Jared begged her, a lifetime of heartbreak in his eyes, his mother disappearing, his father still loving her. Countless Christmas gifts under a tree, waiting for a woman who would never come.
“Please, Jared. Try to understand,” Emma whispered.
“Emma.” Jared’s voice caught, ragged in his throat. “Don’t do this.”
She buried her face in her hands, the familiar yearning filling her, the desperate need to bury her face in Captain’s fur, feel his warm, wet tongue lap the tears from her cheek.
She’d only wanted to love Jared, but in the end she’d made his deepest fears come true. “I wish you had your magic sword,” she said, lifting her face from her hands, memorizing his beloved features so she could take them out in her mind’s eye on the long lonely nights to come.
“I don’t need its magic anymore. Now I’ve loved you. Even after this—after everything that’s happened, I’ll never regret you, Emma,” he swore. “Do you hear me? Never. Don’t leave me like my father, waiting all alone.”
She closed her eyes, heard him turn, heard him go.
Ae fond kiss and then we sever, Ae fareweel and then—forever… Robert Burns’s plaintive poem echoed in her head, mingled with the image of Jared’s gentle father, singing to his motherless son.
Jared’s plea struck right through her. Don’t leave me like my father… Leave him waiting all alone? No. She couldn’t do that to him. She had to find some way to fill the space she’d carved out for love in Jared’s heart. But how?
Her mind filled with images of Jared trying to work, his unexpected laughter, his affectionate grumblings as Captain frolicked around him, pure devotion sparkling in the little dog’s mischievous eyes.
Loss jolted through Emma, followed by resolve. She’d leave her knight of the sea, her slayer of dragons, her solitary hero someone who loved him to the heart…almost as fiercely as she did.
And once she did, there would be only one more thing she could do for Jared, one last thing for Davey. Give them something to dream on.
Clinging to that last hope, she left the hospital, slid into Snib’s car and took hold of the old man’s hand.
SHE WAS GONE.
Jared struggled to remember how to breathe. How to keep his heart pumping as he
picked up the letter she’d left on the table where her purple frame had been. Captain howled piteously from his crate in the corner, the dog intuitively knowing the people he loved were shattered. Jared wished he could do the same.
His fingers clenched on the parchment—part of the writing set he’d put together for Emma when he’d been sure she was a piece of Hollywood fluff he’d be able to scare off from his castle in no time.
Before she’d thrown him in the middle of a dogfight, flashed her perfect breast to get her sword to his throat, swallowed a worm, drawn him to the Knight Stone to make love on a magical, sea-swept night.
How on God’s earth could she be gone? Gone like the sword he’d lost while saving her. Gone like the laughter she’d pulled from him. Gone like the light she’d loved back into his soul.
He scanned her writing, scratched with the quill and ink, blotted here and there by her tears. He could see her bent over the table, her hair falling in a veil about her shoulders, her bottom lip caught between her teeth as she wrote.
By the time you read this, I’ll be on my way back to the life I chose. And you’ll be busy trying to get the students back to work, excavating your dream castle, helping Davey and the other kids heal.
They respect you so much, Jared. More than ever now, after all you did for Davey. They need you here, with your hands all dirty and your forehead dented in when you concentrate too hard. I’ll miss seeing your dastardly scowl. But this is the way it has to be.
I’m who I am. A celebrity. God, what an awful word. And you’re a scientist, a teacher who chose a path so much wiser than I. You’re so gifted at the work you do, but you’re not good at taking care of yourself. At laughing and playing and taking time to enjoy little things like the wind in your hair when you’re riding or a dog licking your face. That’s why Captain is staying here to love you. With him, you’ll never be alone.
The dog scratched at the floor of his crate, whimpering. Jared crossed to the bed and sat down, laying one hand on the dog’s scruffy head.
You’ll be receiving a visit from Mr. MacMurray soon. Try not to drive him off with that temper of yours. He has a story to tell that’s worth showing a little self-control to hear. The standing stones are yours, Jared. All their secrets left to tell. I wish—
She had crossed these last two words out. And Jared could feel her surrender, her regret. He could almost sense the burning of tears in her eyes.
I know you’ll be brilliant. And someday you’ll know what happened to the fairy flag and to your valiant lady. Don’t come after me. I’ve made my decision. And you know how stubborn I am.
Emma
Jared let the parchment fall from numb fingers. She was gone. Really gone. She’d left him. Captain scratched and scuffled, doing the impossible, scrambling over the top of the crate. The dog found one of the medieval gowns Emma had worn and tugged it down with his teeth. He dragged it across the floor to dump it on Jared’s lap.
Captain sat down, pawed at the dress, then Jared’s leg, whining. As if he could make Emma reappear out of thin air. Somehow, the dog’s misery made Jared’s even more painful. There was no way to tell Captain that Emma wasn’t coming home. The terrier would spend the rest of his life waiting…like Jared would.
He gathered up the dog’s wriggling, warm body, buried his face in Captain’s rough coat and wept.
CAPTAIN ERUPTED like fireworks, barking as Jared’s office door swung open three days later and Snib MacMurray limped inside.
Jared raised his head from where he’d propped it on one hand and tried his best to glare the surly old bastard down. “Have you ever heard of knocking?” he demanded.
“A time or two, perhaps. But I faced a bit of a dilemma coming here and that’s a fact. Always swore I’d cut off my hand before I knocked on a Butler’s door. Seems I like my hand too much to be parting with it, even for that feisty Emma McDaniel.”
Emma. She’d said Snib would be coming. Chided Jared not to lose his temper. Hell if he could muster the energy to get a good mad on, anyway. “I suppose you’re here for a reason?”
“Other than irritatin’ the snot out of you?” Snib shifted an awkward bundle in his arms. “Been my favorite sport for years now, tormentin’ you. Told Emma it was going to be hard to give it up. But there’s no arguin’ with the lass.”
Snib thumped the bundle onto Jared’s desk, raining dried dirt down on the papers he’d been working on.
“Damn it, old man! Those were important!” Jared tried to slide the papers from beneath the bundle, but Snib slapped his hand down on top of the canvas-wrapped parcel, trapping the documents even more securely.
“I suppose ye’ve been caterwauling and moping around like that da of yours did,” Snib groused. “Fat lot of good that’ll do ye.”
Jared lunged to his feet, rising to the crotchety son of a bitch’s bait. “I don’t know what the hell kind of business you’ve got here, but say another word about my father and I swear—”
“I wouldn’t advise makin’ a threat ye can’t keep, lad. Consider my own little knocking dilemma and learn from it if ye can. I’m going to say plenty about Angus and yer mother.”
“What the—”
“Should’ve known better than to be spoutin’ it off to our Emma on the way to the airport. But I would’ve done nigh anything to take her mind off of leavin’ ye. And once she heard it, she’d give me no peace. Swore to me ye’d listen to the story I tell. For her sake if nothin’ else. Or is endurin’ me for twenty minutes more than the lass is worth to ye?”
Jared clenched his teeth. “Get on with it, then.”
Snib nodded in satisfaction. “You know they used to go courting up by the standing stones? Your ma and da. Before he took her away to the city. He’d dig about and find her treasures, pretty flowers, rocks with prints of leaves and ferns in ’em.”
That was how Jared had fallen in love with archaeology, wandering with his father, the big man pointing out shells and fossils and finding musket balls and buttons from Jacobite uniforms and such.
Snib patted the bundle on Jared’s desktop. “He found this on one of his thievin’ trips, when ye were a tiny lad. Tried to take it off me land, but I caught him at it. Angus ever tell ye about it?”
“He said he’d found something wonderful, but he hadn’t really known what it was. It started to crumble when he touched it so he merely wrapped it in his shirt to carry it home. He meant to take it to one of the professors at St. Andrews. Da said you were going to toss it in the ocean.”
“I meant to, but I had my sheep to look after first. So I took it and stuffed it under me bed. Just never got around to giving this lot a toss in the end. I didn’t want the filthy thing, ye see. I just didn’t want Angus to have it. Not when he’d already stolen Mary.”
“My mother?”
“I had a ring all ready for her finger when Angus caught her eye. Spoutin’ poetry, talkin’ all soft and gentlemanlike when he was just a grimy-fisted sot no better ’n me.”
“Da never said anything about you and my mother.”
“He never knew. Nobody did but Mary. When he took her away, I—well, I wanted to take whatever else I could from him. Pounced on this land when he was fool enough to let it go ’cause of the way Mary hated it.”
“That’s why you bought it? For some kind of twisted revenge on my father?”
“What else did I have t’ do with me life, with Mary gone? And don’t be lookin’ at me so superior, young Jerry. You did the same—got hard and mean and selfish when yer wife crashed in that plane.”
How the hell could Jared argue when he knew what Snib said was true? “My flaws have nothing to do with my father. He was a good man. A decent man. He never let life make him hard like we did.”
“He might as well have been Bonnie Prince Charlie, he was so goddamned perfect. Bonnie Prince Charlie with a shepherd’s crook.”
The historian in Jared couldn’t keep from pointing out, “Actually, Charles Stuart turned out to be a self-indu
lgent ne’er-do-well who deserted his men at Culloden Moor and—never mind.”
“My point is that your father was so perfect it put me off my feed. I knew Angus would regret losing the farm for the rest of his life. Drivin’ him off it was a pleasure after Mary left him. Gave me hope, don’t ye know, that between faithless Mary and I, we could make him feel what the rest of us felt. Jealousy. Hate. Bitterness. And when I caught him with this bundle, actin’ like he’d found the holy grail, I threatened to call the authorities if he didn’t hand it over. Asked how he’d like it if his boy added a daddy in prison to his whore of a mother.”
“You bloody rotten—”
“I’m tryin’ to make it right before I die, if ye’ll let me, ye damned fool! When I talked my fool head off to Emma about the bundle, she said goin’to the grave with somethin’ this cold on yer heart would be a terrible thing. Humph. Would’ve sworn I didn’t have a heart anymore, until that lass rushed in like a bulldozer an’ knocked all my rocky parts away.”
Jared’s sharp reply died on his lips. He looked away, suddenly quiet. “She’s good at that, Emma is.”
“So, man, the long an’ short of it is this. Ye can dig on my land if it’ll make Emma happy. As long as ye don’t worry my sheep.”
Jared gaped. He should have been elated, his dream of excavating the area around the standing stones coming true. Emma’s gift to him. But even this triumph seemed hollow without her.
She’d given up her own dream to protect him and Davey. Her chance to prove to the world the truth of who she was—a brilliant dramatic actress with a soul so deep Jared’s beloved Lady Aislinn shone through her eyes. God, it didn’t seem fair that she’d gifted him with this and surrendered so much herself.
Snib scowled at him, nudging the bundle in disdain. “This thing—well, it’s a lot of nothin’ if ye ask me. If ye want to find yerself a treasure, ye fecking eejit, go after that lassie with the eyes that love you fierce.”
The Wedding Dress Page 37
