by Ford, Mia
“Okay fine.” I cross my arms over my chest to hide how hurt I am. “Then go. Leave.”
“What do you mean, go?” He’s barely even listening to me really. “I need to…”
“You don’t want to be around me? You don’t want this anymore? Then go. I don’t want you here.”
“But dinner…” I don’t like this side of him. He seems weak and pathetic.
“Fuck dinner. Forget all of this. Just leave me alone. This isn’t fair on me.”
He stares at me, his eyes pleading and desperate, but then he nods, seemingly understanding what I’m trying to say. I just cannot be around him if this isn’t going to go anywhere. I can’t look at him knowing that he isn’t mine anymore. That he’s too scared, giving up on me at the very first hurdle. Maybe I thought there was more to this than he did, which is terribly embarrassing. And hurtful too. What is wrong with me?
Reece pushes passed me and he heads into the kitchen. I lean against the wall and listen to him telling my father that he feels sick, that he needs to go home before he infects anyone else, and my father agrees. They talk for a while, discussing some new work opportunity that I know nothing about, then eventually their footsteps come my way. I bound up the stairs two at a time, needing to get away from them both. My dad might not know yet, but if he sees the hurt in my face then he will know for sure that I’ve done something stupid.
That I’ve gone ahead and forged feelings for a man who doesn’t seem to give a damn about me.
I can’t seem to stop myself from leaning up against the cool pane glass of the window to watch Reece leave. I guess he doesn’t have much choice, he can’t exactly chase after me with my father watching him, but that doesn’t stop it hurting to see him go. He’s saying goodbye to something amazing because of fear.
“Good,” I spit out angrily as I rest my fingers against the window. “Go, it was only going to end anyway.”
It’s better this way. Sooner rather than later. And I would rather know how he truly feels before I get myself in too deep. Having him reject me at this point, before I’ve fallen too deep, is the best thing.
“He didn’t care about me,” I remind myself, trying to turn this emotional pain in to anger. “He can’t have really cared about me or that wouldn’t have happened. He would have just laughed, like I did.”
His reaction was stupid. Irritating. I am actually really angry at him. So annoyed that I just want to scream. Or go out and blow off some steam… actually, do you know what? I think that’s what I’m going to do!
I call Rebecca while angrily stomping up and down the room. When she finally answers I feel like I’ve exploded, like a pressure cooker gone off, and the steam just pours out.
“I have got to get out of this house, Rebecca. I cannot stand it for another second. My father is… well, you know what he’s like, and Reece, well… that’s just another story. Please tell me you’re up for going out.”
“You keep blowing me off and then you expect me to be available?” she replies coldly. “I’ve been trying to hang out with you all week and you’ve been far too busy with a man who’s all wrong for you. I told you. I tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen. No wonder it’s all blown up in your face.”
“Shit, I’m sorry, Rebecca,” I gasp. “I didn’t realize that I’d upset you…”
I got so wrapped up in Reece, I didn’t even realize what I was doing to everyone else…
“Nah, I’m just kidding.” Hot relief floods me as she says this. “I know what it’s like. Not only to go for the wrong man, but also to get lost in one for a while. Thank God that’s over. Hey, we should go out.”
My lungs burst free and I can finally breathe easily again. Knowing that I’m going to get away from this situation is good, I really need that. I can’t just sit around and mope like an idiot.
“Great, well I’m ready to go out now. I just need to chuck on a top. Where do you want to go?”
“I’m actually already in The Lion. We could go to the club from there.”
The club will be loud, too noisy for me to think which is absolutely perfect. Just what I need.
“Great, brilliant. Well, I’m leaving now so I’ll see you in about ten minutes.”
“Perfect. See you then. Bye, Alexa. Looking forward to it already.”
“Yeah, goodbye for now, Rebecca.”
God Rebecca is good. I mean, not for the serious stuff because she always blows that off and uses partying as an answer… but then I suppose I can’t judge. I’m about to do the same thing right now. I just need to find that side of me again, if only for a few hours, to know that Reece can’t absolutely ruin me.
I open my wardrobe wide and grab the first slightly fancy top that I can find and I chuck it on. It’s a slightly slutty outfit since I have shorts on that are practically hot pants, but I really don’t care. It’ll be fine. I’m not wearing high heels anyway, just ballet flats which helps. It’ll help my feet tomorrow anyway.
“Right, good.” I smile at my reflection in the mirror, trying to ignore how fake it is. “Let’s go.”
The only thing that will get Reece out of my mind right now, will be a drink. Or three.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Dad yells as I thunder down the stairs. “And dressed like that.”
I roll my eyes and snort with laughter. “I’m an adult, Dad. I can do whatever I like.”
“You might be technically an adult, but you still live under my roof. I don’t want you going out tonight.”
“And why not?” I glare at him. “Why does it matter to you?”
“You don’t think I know what’s going on?” Uh oh. I purse my lips tightly shut so as not to say a damn thing at this moment. “You don’t think that I know how late you’ve been out every night this week? It’s getting ridiculous. You and that friend of yours, Rachel, or whatever her name is…”
“Rebecca,” I interject coldly. His opinion on her is not a secret. He’s never been a fan of her.
“Yes, well whatever her name is. She is a trouble causer, she’s going nowhere, she doesn’t have any sort of work ethic at all. And the more time that you spend with her, the more like her you become.”
I part my lips, wanting to argue with him like I usually do, but there’s a part of me that agrees with him. We’ve always been friends because I’ve spent a lot of time being the same as her, but the more that I want, the less connected to her I feel. Still, for the purposes of tonight, that hardly matters, does it? We’ll have fun!
“Dad, I sat around for your shitty dinner with your friend. Now I want to go and see mine.”
“Don’t you think that you have more important things that you should be doing?”
I throw my hands in the air in annoyance. “Well, since according to you my life is so meaningless anyway, what does it matter? Who cares if I throw yet another night down the toilet?”
He continues to yell after me as I go. I know for a fact that this conversation is far from over, but it doesn’t matter. I need to blow off some steam. I’m experiencing some very confusing emotions and I need to shut them down before they get the better of me, and that’s something I simply cannot do inside with him. My father doesn’t get it, I wouldn’t be able to explain this to him even if it wasn’t his friend. He just doesn’t get me.
Not like Reece does… or did. Or didn’t, I suppose, I don’t really know anything about him at all.
I don’t think I have ever felt so lonely in my whole damn life. I’ve always been a lone wolf, just fine living my life the way that I have been. Just a short time with that man and everything has changed. I have the horrible feeling that it won’t ever be the same again either. I might be stuck, like this.
Fucking hell, what a mess.
Chapter Fifteen
Reece
“Good night?” Valencia asks in a bored tone as I stomp in through the door. I’m sure that she can see from my face and body language that I’m absolutely fuming, but she pays no a
ttention to that cue.
“Yeah, wonderful,” I snap back. “Freaking marvelous. What about you?”
“Oh, you know?” She shrugs and sips her coffee, her eyes darting back to the trashy magazine that she’s reading. “Boring. Same old routine. Oliver is asleep now, as I’m sure you know.”
“Yes, he’s not crying, so that’s good.” I sigh loudly and rub my eyes. “I need a good sleep tonight.”
“Oh yeah.” She flicks the pages, not getting the hint that if Oliver does cry, I’d like her help.
“Well, the one good thing to come out of tonight is that my job is changing. I’m about to start training the new recruits which will be better than sitting behind a desk, I suppose. So, I need a good night of sleep.”
“You better get to it then, don’t you think? Get to bed, and all that.”
“Are you not… going to sleep?” She raises her eyes and cocks an eyebrow at me. My interest in the time that she’s going to bed every single night is kind of weird. Well, not anymore, I guess. “Never mind.”
My body feels heavy, my limbs aching as I trudge up the stairs. It’s almost as if I have spent an intense night at the gym rather than going through the emotional wringer. Like my body has been abused. As soon as I head in to my bedroom, I fall in to bed and sigh loudly, thinking about everything that just happened.
I cannot believe that Alexa reacted in such a way. She laughed, thinking it’s funny that we almost got caught. I thought that she understood the risks we were facing, that we were in it together. I didn’t realize I was facing the fear alone. It’s crazy, she might even have more to lose than me. Doesn’t she see that? Unless it’s because she’s so young, so childish. She genuinely doesn’t understand what’s going on here.
Unless… was it me that was wrong? Did I over-react to the situation? She was only just trying to have a bit of fun and we weren’t in any immediate danger… perhaps I freaked out and pushed her away when I shouldn’t have done.
“Oh God,” I groan, throwing my head in to my hands. “Am I the biggest idiot ever?”
I switch back and forth, flickering from decision to decision. One minute, I’m utterly convinced that she was in the wrong, and the next it’s me. I’m an idiot and I shouldn’t have spoken to her like that.
In the end, the latter wins out. I don’t know if it’s because it’s the right answer or because I’m not ready to push her away from me just yet, but the end result is the same. I need to say a big fat sorry.
At first, she lets the phone ring through the voice mail. I half consider leaving a message, but I decide against it in the end, because I want to actually talk to her when I apologize. I would much prefer to do it face to face, but since she’s probably still at home with her father, that’s absolutely out of the question.
Instead, I call again, and this time she picks up… only I can barely hear her over the loud music.
“Alexa?” I call out. “Alexa, can you hear me? I want to speak to you about something.”
“Pardon?” she yells, trying to beat the music. She doesn’t do much good though, because the next words that come out of her mouth are blurred. I can’t hear any of them. It’s all just noise.
She’s in a night club, I realize. She’s gone out after our argument.
The fact that she has headed out for a night of fun doesn’t say much, does it? She can’t really care. She’s out, with her friend, having a night surrounded by other people… other guys… while I’m moping over her. I don’t even know why she bothered answering the phone. Unless she just wants to torture me. I thought of her as a game player, and that might well have been right. I just forgot about that side of her when I got sucked in.
“Never mind,” I say quietly. “It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to… to speak to you.”
I hit the end call button, disappointment crushing me. I’m hurt, even more so now, every part of me is in pain. This is heart break like I haven’t ever felt before. It’s different to losing Christine, there wasn’t anything that I could do about that… but this is my fault. I made this happen. I reacted foolishly. I could explain that I’m not used to dating, that I’m way out of practice, but I don’t think that would fly with Alexa.
This is why it’s better for me to not get involved. With anyone. Well, maybe not anyone, but with a person like Alexa. She’s too much for me in every single way. This tortured feeling would be all the time. I’d be worrying about her constantly, imagining all the hot young guys hitting on her, knowing that she might want them, rather than me and my dull life. Me and Oliver. Work and family. Boring for her.
No, if I’m going to actually find someone, I need a person my own age. Someone with some life experience and maybe a family of her own. I don’t know if more kids are what I want, but that would create an understanding. I could get where they were coming from and vice versa. That would be better than a party girl. Someone who would prefer to spend nights in a loud club than with a man and his baby.
This really does need to be the end this time. There’s no coming back from this.
Almost as if to prove this to myself, I log on to an app on my phone that I didn’t think I would ever use. Cody downloaded it and signed me up a while back to try and persuade me back in to the dating game, but I ignored it. And I have done so ever since, but meeting someone in real life hasn’t worked out for me. Maybe this will.
I log on to the dating app and scroll through the profiles, trying to find a face to inspire me. The women are all beautiful in their own ways, and they’re interesting too. If everything that they’ve posted about themselves is the truth, there are many that I would have a good time with, that I might even have something in common with, but there isn’t any instinct within me that wants to reach out to any of them.
“What is wrong with me?” I mutter to myself. “Why can’t I just like someone else?”
I know it’s a hard push, trying to make myself feel something when I’m really still wrapped up in her, but I’m so desperate that it’s frustrating. I just wish that I could push her from my mind.
“Alexa is no good,” I remind myself. “Alexa isn’t the one. It’s time to move on.”
In the end, I switch the app off. It wasn’t getting me anywhere anyway, and I reach out for a picture of Christine instead. I haven’t asked her photograph for any wisdom just yet, I haven’t wanted to think about her and Alexa in the same sentence, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel lost, at my wits end.
“Christine, I think I’ve been a fool,” I murmur, while running my finger down her cheek. I wish it were her soft skin rather than the hard coldness of the glass in the photo frame. “Don’t you?” A tear trickles down my cheek. I don’t really know what I’m crying for, the emotion is simply getting too much for me. “You know, if you hadn’t left me like you did, then none of this would have happened. This is really your fault.” I laugh thickly. “Although, I’m sure you would do anything to be back here. I know you didn’t want to go.”
I slide my eyes closed and try to picture her here with her arms around me. Again, I slide in to that all too familiar fantasy where nothing has happened to her and she’s still with me. Our life just carried on as it was, only with Oliver in our lives. Of course, it wouldn’t be the same because I would still be a Navy Seal, out for work a lot, but when I’d be home, I’d still have my wonderful family here. I wouldn’t have this uncertainty.
“It isn’t real feelings though, is it?” I ask Christine, like she’s going to answer me. “It’s just… lust. Sorry, I know you probably don’t want to hear that. Me lusting over another woman. Someone younger as well. I imagine if things… well, if it was the other way around, I wouldn’t like it much either. But… well, I’m here. I’m still alive and I’m sick of being lost in this world without you. For a while, things with Alexa felt good. I didn’t feel lost anymore. It was as if I finally knew myself all over again. Just for a little while. She made it okay to be me. She didn’t push me in ways that I didn’t
want to. She asked about me, and you, but she never made it awkward. Not really. Not once she came to terms with it. And she never made me feel wrong. I think I might have done the same for her as well. At least, I hope I did. I tried to make her see her own worth anyway. I did my best.”
I sigh, breathing out all the tension and anxiety coursing through my veins. Even though this is uncomfortable, it does make it a little easier on me to let it out, to express how I’m feeling. Even if no one is listening.
“But she’s different to me. To you as well. She has a completely different life, which means that we can’t work. On top of that, her father is my friend. My boss. He helped me. I can’t betray him like this. But I’m torn. Ripped apart. I don’t know which side of me is going to win out in the end. And despite the fact that you would absolutely kick my ass for this, you’re the only person I can ask for advice.”
Of course, I’m only met with silence. I didn’t expect anything different, but still it hurts. I don’t have anyone close enough to me to discuss this with. Not even Cody. He would only tell me to go for it because he’s convinced that what I need to be happy again is to move on, to find someone new to be close to.
“Oliver.” All of a sudden, he bursts into tears, and despite my comments from before, I already know that Valencia won’t do anything about it, so it’s up to me again. Not that I mind. “I’m coming, baby boy.”
I reach his room and grab him up quickly, expecting him to settle with me like he always does, but he seems to be able to feel my mood and it affects him too. He’s as jumpy and uncomfortable as I am.
“It’s okay, little man,” I try to convince him. “Don’t worry, I’m here.”
But I don’t really feel like I am here. I’m all tangled up in Christine, in Alexa, in the idea of her with lots of other guys all over her at a club. I think about the dating site as well, but not enough to want to get back on to it. Perhaps it’s time to delete my account for good. I don’t think that’s the way I’m going to find someone. I don’t think I’m destined to find anyone for a while. If I can’t have Alexa, then what the hell is the point?
