Adi thinks about that and nods. Then she remembers, “It’s not his pet though.” It’s Oma-Adi’s turn to be confused. “Sorry?”
“It’s not Thomas’s pet. I don’t think he even knows it’s there on his shoulder.” Adi is growing uncomfortable under her grandmother’s gaze and babbles on, “he’s not the only one. Everybody in class has an animal, even the teacher. Some kids have fluffy bunnies, other weird creatures I’ve never seen before. Everybody around me has them, except for me.”
Now Adi sounds a little sorry for herself. When there is no reply, she looks up and sees her grandmother stare at her in stunned silence. “Oma-Adi?” she asks quietly after a while. Her grandmother shakes her head as if raised from deep thoughts. “Do I have an animal?” she finally asks.
Adi lights up and points at her bed. “Yes, it’s a really big beautiful wolf! Right there on my legs!” Oma-Adi turns her head but obviously can’t see anything. She takes her hand and strokes it gently. “When did you start seeing those creatures?”
“When I was little,” Adi says. Oma-Adi smirks and Adi rolls her eyes. “Alright, littler. But I could only see a few. Now I can see a lot more all around me.”
“Have you told anyone about this?”
“Not really,” Adi admits sadly. “When I try, kids laugh at me and mom thinks I’m making it up.”
Oma-Adi squeezes her hand. “I’ll talk to her. Don’t tell anyone else for now, okay?”
Adi nods tiredly and yawns before snuggling down into her pillow. The she-wolf jumps off the bed stiffly and Adi smiles at her before drifting off to sleep.
It’s Saturday before Oma-Adi comes visiting again. Adi wakes up early and slips out of bed. Maybe if she’s quiet, she’ll manage to watch ‘My Little Pony’ before mom and dad wake up. They don’t like it when Adi comes into their bedroom too early on the weekend. So she grabs some cereal and milk, and settles onto the couch in front of the large TV in the living room. As long as she keeps the volume down, she should be able to watch a few episodes.
But when she tip-toes downstairs, her mom and Oma-Adi are talking in the living room. Adi sighs. So much for watching TV in peace and quiet. Then she catches her name and a sense of foreboding makes her sneak to the door between kitchen and living room. It’s slightly ajar and she can hear everything. They’re not fighting but her mom is upset.
“And when were you thinking about telling me that my daughter suffers from hallucinations?”
“Keep your voice down. They are not hallucinations. Adi has a gift, the same my mother had. Call it sixth sense, call it visions, but Adi sees the representation of a person’s character in the shape of animals.”
Adi’s mom interrupts her mother angrily, “What a lot of nonsense! Are you seriously telling me that Adi’s some kind of psychic? What world are you living in? Best case scenario, she sees imaginary friends, worst case she suffers from mental illness!”
“Will you calm down! Your grandmother was a wonderful woman and highly regarded by all who knew her. She could always tell if somebody was sick before they even knew it, just by how their Elfenwesen behaved.”
“Elfenwesen? Seriously? Are we now sliding into Grimms fairytales? What the heck do fairy creatures have to do with anything?”
Oma-Adi takes a deep breath and obviously tries hard to hold onto her temper. “That’s what she called them. Elfenwesen. She said that when I was born, she knew I had a wolf-companion and she named me Adalwolfa because of it.”
Adi waits and waits but her mom stays silent. Finally she says, “I never knew that.” Adi hears a deep inhalation. “Mother, I’m sorry. I don’t believe in fairytales and, and Elfenwesen. I have to look out for my child. I’ll google a few experts and see if I can make an appointment for her on Monday.”
Adi likes the idea of Elfenwesen but less so of seeing an ‘expert’. Mom probably means a doctor and Adi doesn’t like doctors. While she still ponders what she overheard, her mom opens the door and smiles at her daughter. “Good morning, sweetheart. I didn’t expect you up so early, would you like some breakfast?”
Adi nods and looks past her mom at Oma-Adi who smiles at her. Adi thinks her grandmother doesn’t even realize that she’s shaking her head sadly while smiling.
The doctor is funny. Adi likes him. He smiles a lot and has toys in his office. He talks to her like he takes her seriously and she gets to read Micky Mouse while he meets with her parents. Everything is bright in the waiting-room, white-painted wooden chairs with metal legs, pastel curtains and buttercup-yellow walls. Adi is bored after a while and builds a castle out of blocks, even though she’s a little old for that. Finally she’s called into his office.
Dr. Neubauer has a big desk in his office but he asks Adi to sit with him at a small circular table. He explains that her parents are a little worried about her. Since Oma-Adi mentioned the animals to mom, Adi thinks that it’s okay to talk to the Doctor. He seems nice and she hopes she can trust him.
She tells him about Thomas and Oma-Adi’s wolf and all the animals she sees. Dr. Neubauer writes down everything she says and some more. Finally he asks, “Do I have an animal?” Adi looks closely.
“Yes,” she nods. “Can you turn around please? It’s kinda small.” Dr. Neubauer stands up and turns around. Adi claps her hands. “It’s so cute! It’s a little green frog with beautiful red markings and yellow eyes!” Just then, the reptile jumps and lands on the table.
Adi holds out her hand and tries to coax the frog onto her palm. It flicks out its tongue and Adi pulls her hand back just in time. She giggles. When she looks back at the doctor, his eyes have widened as he observed the interaction. Then he smiles at her. “Wow, you really saw the frog, didn’t you?”
Adi nods. “So you saw it too, right? I’m not crazy?” she asks. Dr. Neubauer clears his throat. “I’m afraid I didn’t. And who told you you were crazy?,” he continues a little sharply.
Adi’s face heats up again. “Nobody,” she says quietly. “I just heard mom and Oma-Adi talk, and mom said something about mental illness. That means I’m crazy, right?”
Dr. Neubauer says gently, “Adi, sometimes when children overhear adults talk, they misunderstand. Your mother is worried because she can’t see what you see. That does not mean you’re crazy. We just have to work a little bit on making sure that you learn to understand the difference between day-dreaming and reality. Would you like to do that with me?” And he smiles so kindly at her that Adi nods and smiles back.
Her mom and dad take her out for ice-cream later and Adi doesn’t mention once that mom’s white mouse sticks her nose into her spaghetti ice. Even though it looks really funny when the whiskers are stuck together with vanilla and cream.
Dr. Neubauer keeps his promise and Adi works hard on telling reality from daydreams. He listens attentively to her stories and then points out to her how unlikely it is that wild animals could walk next to a child in Frankfurt without general panic.
Or that every child is allowed to bring their favorite pet into school without the teachers throwing a fit. That thought makes Adi giggle. She can imagine Miss Ruth jump on top of a chair after Ingo’s rat scuttles in front of her feet. Adi wouldn’t be scared but Miss Ruth is a little squeamish with vermin as she calls them. She said that once in biology.
So when Adi sees an animal with a person, she thinks very hard if this is likely. A dog on a leash in a park is real. A baby elephant in the grocery store isn’t. After a while, the animals begin to disappear. Adi doesn’t even notice at first until Dr. Neubauer points out that she hasn’t mentioned seeing predators for a while. Adi thinks about it and it’s true. There have been no lions or tigers in class for a few weeks. Dr. Neubauer is very pleased and tells her parents that she’s making great progress.
On the way home, Adi stops. What about Oma-Adi’s wolf? Will she disappear as well? She hasn’t seen her grandmother since she started visiting the doctor. She knows her mom is still a little upset with her mother but Adi misses her.
&nb
sp; Today Adi is excited. Oma-Adi is back from hospital. When her mom told her that she’d been sick, Adi was worried. “Is it serious?” Her mom had given her a tight hug. “Don’t worry, Oma-Adi is fine, she just hasn’t been feeling too well. A few days rest in bed did her good. You’ll see,” she whispered into Adi’s hair. Adi breathed a big sigh of relief. She is only little but she knows that sometimes people go to hospital and don’t come out again.
She has picked a Barbie-DVD, cleaned up her room and helped mom set the table for afternoon coffee. Mom has even made a biscuit cake with canned fruit on top. Oma-Adi’s cakes are better but she wouldn’t say that to her mom. Her mom didn’t really bake the cake, just assembled a store-bought biscuit bottom, a can of peaches and whipped cream from a can, but it tastes great anyway. The smell of freshly-made coffee fills the apartment. Funny how something that tastes so gross can smell so good. When the doorbell rings, Adi jumps up and rushes to the front door.
Oma-Adi opens her arms wide and hugs Adi tightly. She smells of lavender and a little bit of stale clothes. Adi doesn’t mind. She holds on and nearly cries with relief. Her grandmother kisses her on her ear. It tickles so Adi giggles and jumps back. She looks left, then right, then frowns.
“What are you looking for?” Oma-Adi asks with an amused smile.
“Where’s your wolf?” Adi walks around her grandmother to check behind her, then opens the front door and checks the hallway as well. When she comes back, Oma-Adi’s smile is gone.
“You can’t see her?” she asks quietly so Adi’s mom can’t hear them. Adi shakes her head. Then she remembers.
“Of course I can’t. I forgot, Dr. Neubauer told me that wild animals don’t just walk around with people. Unless they’re on a leash or something.” She stops talking because Oma-Adi looks at her with a really sad expression in her face.
“So the sessions are helping you?”
“Yes, they are,” Adi’s mom interrupts Adi who is about to say that she liked seeing people’s animals. “In fact, Adi is learning to tell the difference between day-dreaming and reality,” and she fondly ruffles Adi’s hair. Oma-Adi says nothing but continues to look at Adi strangely.
When Adi is in bed later on, wearing new pajamas and with teeth all minty and clean, her grandmother says, “I’ve got a present for you, child.” Adi smiles and opens her hand. Oma-Adi presses something hard and cold into it. It’s a necklace with a beautiful metal pendant. A wolf’s head with writing on the back. Adi squints at the small letter and reads, ‘Sei der Wolf’.
When she looks up questioningly, her grandmother explains, “That means ‘Be the Wolf’”. She hesitates for a moment as if gathering her thought. “The wolf is often an evil animal in fairytales, right?” When Adi nods, she continues, “in the stories, the wolf is true to his nature and often hurt badly because of it. In the wild, wolves are great predators that hunt together and are on top of the food chain. I want you to remember this when life gets hard. Be true to yourself and you’ll come out on top.” She strokes Adi’s hair and sits by her bedside until she’s asleep.
When Oma-Adi dies a week later, it comes as a shock to all of them. Adi feels so guilty. She should have known that not seeing the wolf was a sign. If only she had warned her grandmother, maybe she could have gone back to hospital and the doctors would have made her better. She doesn’t tell Dr. Neubauer because he would try to convince her that the wolf was never real in the first place. Then it hits her like a slap in the face. Maybe the doctor was wrong. Maybe the animals stopped showing themselves to her because she stopped believing! Maybe it wasn’t her fault that Oma-Adi died, maybe it was Dr. Neubauer’s!
From then on, Adi goes to her therapy sessions, smiles and tells him what he expects to hear. She gets good at saying the things that make her parents smile and her therapist nod approvingly. During the sessions she clutches the wolf’s head in her pocket and thinks fiercely, Be the Wolf. Be the Wolf. She doesn’t see the animals again for many many years but remembering Oma-Adi’s lessons gives her strength.
Strength when her parents die, first her mom, then her dad. Strength when she’s dragged from Germany to Chicago and she has to start all over again. Strength when she finds that her dad’s family hates her and wishes her gone. Throughout all, she clutches the wolf’s head and nurtures her hidden spark until it’s time to burst out when she least expects it.
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Spirit Quest
Honi’s Story
Spirit Quest
Black wings. Beating hard, stirring up dust and leaves. Honi covers his eyes and turns away. The noise is deafening, a dull ‘thwap, thwap’ as the air is displaced by the powerful movement. Dread rises within him, pressure on his chest, in his head. Honi squeezes his eyes shut as hard as he can and tries to lift his hands towards his ears. His fear grows when his hands seem paralyzed.
He’s too scared to lift his head and face the giant creature that’s causing his body to slide backwards with each wing beat. The air is saturated with dirt and breathing becomes harder. Finally Honi gives in to the inevitable and stops fighting.
With a gasp, he sits up straight in his narrow bed. This is the third time in as many nights that he dreamed of the giant bird. He looks around him at the discarded clothes next to his bed that his mom bugs him about. It’s early morning, too early to get up on a Saturday.
His head drops back onto the Spiderman-themed pillow. He’s really too old for it but he won’t let his mom throw away one of the last reminders of his childhood. Not until it’s tattered and torn like his favorite American Dragon shirt.
His eyelids are on the verge of falling shut when the sound of beating wings comes back, much fainter but still loud enough for Honi to hear it through the window.He swings his feet out from under his blanket and quickly pulls on yesterday’s t-shirt. His nose wrinkles but then he shrugs. It’s fine, only smells a little. He scratches his head, tugging some of the long black hair out of the ponytail he wears at night.
Everybody is fast asleep when he tip-toes down the stairs. It’s cold. The blue light is still dim enough for his eyes to struggle identifying the shapes in the hallway. He shivers in the early morning chill and rubs his arms vigorosly. There’s something eerie about being up so early. Unfamiliar noises sound in the living room, wooden walls creaking, thermostat ticking before it sends a signal to the heating system.
It feels like an adventure, exploring the outside, the neighborhood he’s spent all his life in. Nothing ever happens here, other than some dude drinking too much and whaling on his wife. That happens quite a bit actually and Honi’s father talks about how the problem is getting worse. Last winter Jim Beaver was arrested after his girlfriend had enough of him taking all the benefit money and getting drunk and leaving her with their kid.
Honi feels queazy when he remembers how she looked after the police left. Jim had beaten her for calling the cops on him and his dad said he was lucky he didn’t get shot. There was so much shouting that all the neighbors woke up and watched the commotion with stony faces.
This morning is dead quiet. It’s still early enough that even the guy down the road hasn’t left yet and he starts really early, even on a Saturday. Some job in town, construction his dad said. Honi takes a deep breath. He hates getting up early but loves being outside at dawn.
There’s a crispness to the air that is burned off when the sun climbs higher. The dawn chorus is in full swing, birds competing with each other in who can wake up the neighborhood the best. A chipmunk runs up the tree in the front yard, a red-brown streak of white racing stripes.
Movement draws the boy’s attention to the left. There, on Dave Lightfoot’s roof, sits a black bird, enormous and heavy. It’s much bigger than a crow, a raven maybe? He looks closer. The bird is gorgeous, black shiny feathers covering its massive wings, deadly claws on its bony feet holding on to the top of the roof. Its beak looks as sharp as a vicious blade. It’s bigger than any bird Honi h
as ever seen before.
The boy startles as he is hit by deja-vu. The dream, vapid like smoke when he woke up, suddenly comes back to him with technicolor images. This gigantic bird is what he saw, what he felt. As he stares up with trepidation at the raven, its black eyes, devoid of emotion, stare right back at him. Then with a haughty caw, it beats its wings and despite its enormous bulk, gracefully lifts itself onto the invisible currents. Honi follows its flight until it disappears against the rising sun.
His head is still lifted upwards, trying in vain to make out the tiny black dot, when he hears a voice calling his name. For a moment he’s a little disoriented and looks right, then left. Dave Lightfoot waves at him, agitated and upset. “I need help, Mary isn’t well. Could you please wake your mom?”
His face is contorted with worry and Honi doesn’t hesitate. He runs back inside and knocks at his parents’ bedroom door. His mom is a light sleeper and she opens the door already fully dressed. She rushes past him, and Dave and his mom walk over to the house. He doesn’t know what to do. It doesn’t feel right to follow them when Mary might be sick.
He walks back down to the kitchen and grabs some bread from the counter. His mom makes her own cornbread which tastes great but he’s only allowed to spread chocolate on it on weekends. His mom is on a major health trip and won’t allow sugary food in the house.
Honi spends a few minutes rummaging in the pantry until he remembers that she probably locked all the treats in the boot of the car. She says out of sight, out of mind. It seems to work for her so Honi isn’t complaining. As long as he can still eat his favorite cereal and candy. He reads the latest Wolverine comic when he sees blue lights flashing outside the house. Curious, he steps outside again and loses his appetite.
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