Honi waited, trying to control his breathing. Bad news. At least it didn’t have to do with his immediate family. John had been talking with the group responsible for financing projects, like the stipend program that paid a large chunk towards Honi’s college courses.
John’s deep inhale interrupted Honi’s train of thought, and he concentrated on hearing what the shaman had to say next.
“Let me just come out and say it. Donations have been down from last year. Many families lost their income, and we have a lot less money coming in.” Another pause before John continued. Honi didn’t like the weariness in his voice.
“You need to finish your studies as quickly as possible. We don’t have enough funds to pay for your extension.”
And there it was. Honi’s stomach sank, and he felt cold. He already had a heavy course load. Heavy enough that he’d had no time for a job to fund his studies.
After the events just before end of third year, the college had allowed him to move forward with his courses even though he hadn’t been able to take some of his exams. An individualized study-plan deferred some classes to the next term. That way, he would still graduate, albeit six months after everybody else.
As it was, he worked as hard as he could. There was no leeway, and no chance that he could finish college at the end of spring term. Earliest he expected to graduate was winter. Honi sat down heavily on a bench next to the gravel pathway.
“Honi? Are you still there?” John’s voice sounded tinny from a distance. Honi’s hand had dropped into his lap, and he quickly lifted the phone back to his ear.
“Thanks for letting me know. I need to go, think about what this means for me.”
Not waiting for a reply, he disconnected. This couldn’t have come at a worse time. His eyes staring unfocused into the distance, he tried to parse the news. His thoughts circled around and around, getting darker and darker. Ho’neo pushed against his leg, the warm weight of his body a comforting presence.
Honi couldn’t see a way out. No way would he graduate in time. Even if he managed to find a part-time job halfway through the semester in a small college town, he wouldn’t make enough money to pay for his single dorm room, school fees, books, and still have enough left over for food. His grade point average wasn’t good enough to get him one of the few coveted full-ride grants offered by the college.
His head dropped back, and he stared sightlessly into the sky. What about Adi? She was already pissed at him for not spending any time with her. How would she take the news? He knew he’d neglected her, but it wasn’t like he had a choice. His body felt cold all over. A leaden weight rested in his stomach as he pondered and deliberated and came to the same conclusion every damn time. If he didn’t find another source of income, he’d have to drop out and find something else to do with his life.
5
Honi raised his fist, about to knock on Adi’s door, then hesitated. After walking around for another hour, he still hadn’t come up with an answer to his problem. There was one thing that had crystalized from his confused internal rambling—he needed to come clean with Adi.
She thought he didn’t want to spend time with her when it was the opposite. He would have loved to go to the movies with her or take her out for dinner. But between his chronic cash shortage, his studies, and Adi’s training, there’d been no time for doing anything fun for quite a while.
Taking a deep breath, he rapped his knuckles on the door. A shuffling noise inside Adi’s little room made him straighten up and paste on a fake smile. Adi opened the door a little before flinging it wide open.
“Didn’t expect you,” she said, already turning away, her face still and devoid of emotion. If he didn’t know her so well, he might have thought she looked relaxed. The tension around her whiskey-colored eyes and the flatness of her expression said otherwise. Honi took the few steps into Adi’s tiny room and pushed some of her clothes aside before sitting on her bed.
This room was only slightly larger than Adi’s dorm last year, but at least she didn’t have to share. It was still as untidy as the last room, though. Instead of joining him, Adi pulled up the only seat, a padded office chair with three uneven wheels. The back lever was broken, and Adi usually got a great kick out of visitors sitting down into the chair, just before they were catapulted backwards into a slightly awkward, half-reclining position. Thinking of Adi’s unbridled laughter when that happened brought a smile to Honi’s face.
“What?” Adi asked, her brow wrinkled with suspicion. She hated being made fun of.
“It’s nothing,” he quickly reassured her before continuing, “We need to talk.”
Adi’s face showed a flash of pain before dropping into an emotionless mask. “You breaking up with me?”
Honi sputtered for a moment. “No, what… why would you think that?”
Adi’s eyes were like dead, dull brown buttons in her pale face. Honi quickly stood up and knelt in front of her.
“No, sweetheart, nothing like that.” He took her hands. “I just got some bad news. I spoke to John, and it seems like my stipend’s funds have run out.”
Anxiously studying her face, Honi was relieved that her expression lost some of its rigidity. Before she could say anything, he leaned up and took her face in both his hands. A tentative smile crept onto her pale features, and his heart sped up. She was so beautiful, all fragile and so determined not to show it.
His lips brushed hers, and as always, the softness made his breath falter. He pulled away a little, searching her face. Adi’s eyes were closed, and a small smile played around her mouth. That was all the approval he needed.
His hand reached up to her neck and moved her where he wanted her. With his mouth so close to hers, he could feel her breath. His tongue flicked out, quick and tentative, licking her plush bottom lip. When she moaned, he did it again, slower and more deliberately.
Her arms came around his neck as she bent forward. Their tongues played against each other, all the bitter feelings that had built up over weeks and months forgotten for the moment. Honi’s tight chest loosened bit by bit the longer they kissed.
After a while, his thighs started to shake, and his leg muscles burned. He moved back and stood up, groaning a little when his knees ached. Predictably, Adi teased him.
“Getting old there?”
She smiled that mischievous smile that always made his stomach drop. He mock-growled in response before jumping her. Adi squealed in surprise, pushing back before her whole body went limp. Honi found himself on top of her, pressing her into the mattress, holding her wrists above her head. Adi turned her face towards his straining biceps and licked it. Instead of tickling, the slide of wetness against his smooth skin made his breath hitch.
He hadn’t taken his eyes off the girl writhing so deliciously underneath him. Adi’s gaze was like a shining beacon pulling him in. He was helpless against her crooked smile, the spirit in her eyes. Before he got too mushy, he lowered his head and rubbed his cheek against hers.
“Keep your hands up there,” he whispered in her ear. She moaned a little and nodded. Honi drew his lips along the outside of her ear, and smiled as the girl turned her head to the side. Neck exposed, she offered herself so beautifully. Sometimes he forgot how much she trusted him. A pang of guilt reminded him how badly he needed to tell her what the end of his funding meant for them. That he would have to find a job and see her even less. He squeezed his eyes shut. She would freak, and right now, he didn’t want another fight. All he wanted was to be close to her, to kiss her, to make her feel good.
The way she wriggled under him, the little sighs and moans, had distracted him so much, he hadn’t even noticed that her hands were now running up his back under his T-shirt. God, he needed her so badly. He pushed his hips against hers instinctively and ground his hardness against her hipbone. He couldn’t think of a single reason why he shouldn’t be doing this every day. It felt so good, tingles running up and down his spine every time he pressed down. Adi wrapped her legs ar
ound his waist, and she countered every thrust with one of her own.
Gasping, Honi finally pulled back. “We gotta lose some clothes or this could get messy.”
Adi laughed and pushed him until his body was supported on both his outstretched arms. She pulled her top over her head and opened her pants while Honi watched approvingly. Adi’s skin was smooth and pale, except for a double-palm-sized circular scar on her side, a souvenir of last year’s spirit animal attack that had nearly cost both their lives. To Honi, it was a badge of honor, a warrior’s mark of bravery. It showed what the girl had survived. Honi loved nothing more than to cover the mark with kisses and nibbles, until Adi squirmed and her body flushed bright red from her face to her chest.
Adi’s back bowed as she struggled with her bra. She had both arms behind her back, chin tucked towards her chest, and her eyes squeezed together in concentration. Honi slid down her body and licked her belly button. She shrieked in surprise, throwing her shoulders forward in reflex. Her bra popped off, and Honi grinned as Adi’s perfect breasts came within reach. One small stretch, and he was able to run the tip of his tongue over her nipple.
Within seconds, Adi sighed and relaxed into his caress. Honi loved playing with her breasts. He took his time kissing both tips, one after the other. She responded with breathy sighs, and her body seemed to welcome his brushes, bowing towards his mouth. They’d had a year to learn each other’s cues, and even when they fought like cats and dogs, their bodies knew each other.
When Adi grabbed his ass through his jeans, he kissed lower and lower until he reached the top of her Adventure Time panties. She was a total geek, and Honi loved her for it. Once they’d gotten bored reliving their adventures over and over again, they’d found common ground in a love for comics and anime.
She lifted her hips when Honi tugged on the fabric. With practiced ease, he slipped her underwear down her shapely legs, past the gruesome scar on her calf. This one was a lot worse than the bite on her torso, and had nearly killed her. Honi wasn’t disgusted by the twisted, raised patchwork of skin, but seeing it reminded him how close he had come to losing her. If he hadn’t been there and stopped the bleeding with a tourniquet, she’d have died right there in an empty school hallway.
He shuddered with the memory and surrendered to the urge to slide back up her body. He wrapped both arms around her and held her tight, fighting back the memories and thoughts of what might have been. Adi grabbed the back of his head and smoothed his long hair with her hand.
Everything was so clear in moments like these. Adi was his soulmate, the girl he was meant to be with. He owed a debt to his tribe, to his family, but it wasn’t fair for them to force a life on him that left no space for Adi. He didn’t loosen his hold until Adi winced.
“Too tight?” he whispered, relaxing his grip slightly.
“A little.” He could hear the smile in her voice. “What’s going on? You having second thoughts?”
Honi chuckled and rubbed his crotch against hers. “Never.”
Her hands were near his waist, pulling on his shirt. He sat back on his knees and whipped it over his head, shaking his hair free after the shirt had cleared his head. At the same time, Adi unzipped and grabbed hold of him. Honi groaned. She knew just how to squeeze, how to pull for maximum effect. He didn’t even bother taking his jeans off. Pushing them down to midthigh was good enough for what he had in mind.
Adi was just as desperate as he was. While he put a condom on, she rolled to her knees and elbows and stuck her butt out at him. He quickly slipped his fingers inside of her to make sure she was ready for him. Adi sighed happily.
“Come on, come on,” she chanted.
Honi was only too happy to oblige. He carefully positioned himself and pushed in. His eyes rolled back into their sockets as he set a nice, slow pace. Adi wasn’t having any of it. Her hand grabbed his hip, and she slammed herself back onto him.
“Christ,” Honi moaned. He wasn’t going to last long the way Adi gripped him like a tight, slippery glove. More of his weight bore down on the slight girl until she couldn’t support him any longer. His body pressed her flat, and only her ass was still tilted up. He was losing control fast, his strokes more and more uneven. When Adi came in quick, fluttering contractions, she made the most delicious noises.
Sweat dripping from his nose onto her back, Honi pushed in one last time before he threw his head back and allowed the sensation to overwhelm him. His eyes screwed shut, he’d never felt closer to her, never more connected. He collapsed on top of her and tried to regain his breath.
Eventually Adi’s voice penetrated his happy daze. “Hey, get your heavy ass off me!”
Groaning, he rolled onto his back. He turned his head towards her and smiled. “You okay?”
Adi beamed at him. “Yeah, that was awesome. I really needed that. I was wondering if you had gone off me completely.”
“Why’s that?”
“We haven’t had sex in literally weeks!”
Honi’s forehead wrinkled as he thought. She was right. It had been weeks. Damn, no wonder she’d been all weird and aggressive with him.
Adi’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “I’m glad you’re here with me right now. I got some news today. We need to talk.” That sounded ominous. He wasn’t sure he could cope with any more bad news after his conversation with John.
“I’ve got some news, too,” he began.
“Yeah, you already told me.” Adi’s voice had lost its sleepy warmth. “John thinks I’m a distraction.”
Honi swallowed. “There’s more. I also said that my stipend was running out, remember?” When Adi nodded, he continued, “What that means is that I need to finish my degree within the next months.”
Adi’s brows pulled together. “But… you have another two semesters to go.” Their eyes locked, hers in confusion, his in regret. No way could this conversation end well.
Honi swallowed, then said, “I’ll negotiate with the administration to double-pack my courses. I can do it, but it’ll…”
“Yes?” Adi prompted after a moment.
“It’ll mean that I’ll have no free time at all. None. I’ll spend every minute either attending lectures or writing papers or preparing for exams.”
Adi’s eyes had grown wide, and Honi quickly continued before she could explode.
“It’ll only be for one semester. I’ll graduate early and then it’ll be all over.”
The moment he closed his mouth, he saw it coming. Adi jumped out of bed, her mouth a tight, angry line, and pulled her clothes on as if they had infuriated her. Honi watched her whole frame shaking with anger and wondered how he could fix this.
“Adi? Please talk to me?”
She whirled towards him. “What’s there to talk about? I tell you that we’re drifting apart, that this… this relationship is imploding because we never see each other, and your solution is to see less of each other?”
“Please sweetheart, it’ll only be for a few months…,” Honi tried again.
“Dammit Honi, I love you. That means I’m willing to compromise, to make this work for both of us. It doesn’t mean that I’ll sit back and wait. I obviously don’t mean as much to you as you do to me. If I did, you would consider other options. Other grants. Maybe get a job now, and finish your degree part-time. But your first reaction is to cut me out of your life until it suits you to let me in again.”
Honi felt helpless in the face of Adi’s anger. She was right, but he couldn’t do anything about it. He owed his tribe, his family. Why couldn’t she understand it? His chest hurt as if his heart was being torn in two pieces.
Adi stood in front of him, hands on hips, her face angry but her eyes begging him to tell her that he would prioritize her. That she was more important to him than his obligation. And he couldn’t. Even though he felt like he was dying inside.
He watched her walk out the door, heard the slamming of wood on wood, and wondered if he would ever hold her against him again. And for the fir
st time, his duty felt like a giant chain around his neck, choking the life out of him.
6
Bitter, hateful thoughts whirled around and around in Adi’s mind. Why was he such a pushover? She didn’t need him. She barely took in her surroundings as she staggered along the familiar path. Every step felt heavier than the one before. Honi had made her choice easy. He obviously didn’t love her. If he did, he wouldn’t come running like a dog every time John whistled.
She’d tried to understand the pressures on him, she really had. She didn’t want to be the bitch girlfriend who freaked every time her boyfriend went off on his own. She wasn’t that kind of person. But it wasn’t like that. She hadn’t seen him outside of classes or training for weeks.
She’d been so sure that today, she would get through to him, show him how much he meant to her. And she’d been more than happy to give up this amazing opportunity to move to Germany. When they’d made love, she’d felt so special, like they were connecting on more than a physical level.
For the first time in weeks, he’d held her like something precious. She’d surrendered to him like she wouldn’t to anybody else. She’d trusted him and loved him… and then he’d ruined it all. A sob burst its way out of her throat. It opened the floodgates.
Adi shook with the effort to suppress her anguished crying. She ran towards her building, her chest feeling cleaved open with emotion. It had been an hour—surely by now he was gone from her bed, from her dorm, from her life. She tore open the door and brushed past two girls who barely managed to step out of her way.
“Hey, you okay?” one of the freshmen called after her. Adi never even slowed down. She took two steps at a time and opened the door with trembling fingers. Then she threw herself onto her bed and sobbed uncontrollably. She cried until she was all out of tears. Her head and stomach hurt, and her face was uncomfortably itchy against the damp cotton under her head.
Adi pushed herself up and sat on the edge of her bed. Her shoulders stooping forward, her head hanging down, she knew she was a picture of misery. So what? Not like he cares. Then she sat up straight. If he didn’t want her, fine. Adi stretched and pulled her laptop from the desk onto her lap. She opened her email account and hesitated only briefly before typing.
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