by Jamie Knight
Returning to the couch and sitting where Russ had, I drained the wine glass and went into Drew's room to check on him. My son was in the bean bag chair I had gotten him for reading, as a way to encourage his gift. A book was still in his hands. A bean bag chair wouldn't have been my first thought. I had taken him to the store to buy a regular chair, and he had gotten the bright blue bean bag halfway to the check out before I had caught up with him, despite it being bigger than he was.
Taking the book gently from his hand, I returned it to its meticulously alphabetized spot on the bookshelf. My little boy got really upset when things were out of place, and I did my best to give him structure. Lifting him out of the bean bag, I tucked Drew into bed, kissing him tenderly on the forehead.
The bottle was almost empty when I went to the kitchen to pour another glass of wine. Emptying it. I went to the cellar, putting another unopened one in the fridge. My mother worried I was becoming an alcoholic though really, I just liked having it available in case I wanted it. I never had more than two glasses a day. Standing alone in the cold, empty kitchen, I got a feeling. Like a gentle squeezing in my chest. Nothing painful or alarming. Just a slight ache. It took a moment, but soon enough, I recognized the pang for what it was. I missed Russ and Carly. If anything, aside from them leaving, tonight had been a sample of what could be. The four of us would really make a beautiful family.
Chapter Fifteen
Ann
The thing about insomnia was it gave you a lot of time to think. This can be either a blessing or a curse depending on the situation. Late-night ruminations can bring one to the pits of despair when focused on something troublesome or the heights of joy when reveling in good luck. I was somewhere in the middle. Part of me was elated that I had been able to be with Russ again and to have met Carly, especially considering what a good friend she seemed to be to Drew.
I really didn't think that Carly's mother was in the picture anymore. Russ might have been trying to hide it, but he honestly didn't seem the type to cheat. Besides which, Carly would have mentioned her, subtly and tact not being features of childhood. Particularly for someone her age. But there wasn't a peep.
The problem was I couldn’t see how all our relationships could be mutually exclusive. If things went wrong with Russ. If he didn't feel the way I was starting to, and Drew had to stop seeing Carly, that would be a disaster.
All I could do was take it slow and hope for the best.
After getting a quick shower to brighten myself up, I went into the kitchen to start the espresso machine before getting Drew up for the day. The machine churned, and the eggs sizzled, as Drew sat at the table reading, oblivious to all else.
As the omelet cooked, I got out my phone and dialed, tucking it between my ear and shoulder as I watched that the eggs didn't stick to the pan despite the butter I had already put in.
“Hello?” Russ said, sounding groggy. “Oh good! Your up.” “Technically,” he said, in a way that made me unsure if he was joking or not. “I was thinking if you wanted the day off to be with your sister at the hospital, that would be fine. I can put the paralegals on your case prep and drive Carly to school. I mean, I'm going that way anyway.”
“That would be great, thanks,” he said. “See you in about an hour?” “Okay.”
“Are we going to Carly's house?” Drew asked, not looking up from his book.
“Yes, honey,” I said, slightly startled.
We were nearly late leaving, Drew insisting on getting books that he thought Carly would like. Hustling down to the car, I got Drew into his car seat and headed out into the gathering traffic.
“Can I read you something, mommy?” Drew asked from the back. “Of course, honey,” I said, not paying much attention. When he started to read, I couldn't help but take notice. It never ceased to surprise me the concepts and emotions that could come of his little mouth. I had to wonder if he might have a career in audiobooks. Not the loftiest of goals a mother could have but there was no denying his aptitude, and I would always prefer that Drew did things because he enjoyed them — not because they went along with the constructed notion of “success” or worse, “influence.”
Russ's building wasn't too difficult to find. He was a bit off of the main drag, but I knew the area. Unbuckling Drew, we went up to the main entrance and looked for Russ on the intercom. There was a Ricci but not a Russ. The only listing was for a K. Ricci. I was fairly sure I had heard that his sister's name was Kimberly. Taking a gamble, I pushed the button and waited.
“Yeah?” Russ asked.
“It's Ann,” I said
There was a soft buzz, and the door clicked open with no further comment from Russ's end of the intercom.
The door was unlocked when we got there, I assumed in preparation for our arrival. The apartment was small but well kept. Everything seemed to have its own place. The living room and kitchen made up most of the immediate space. There was a small table set up in the kitchen across from the fridge near a window. I had heard tales of downtown apartments with views but had yet to see one. The living room was cozy but comfortable, the three walls available occupied by bookshelves, reminding me of Drew's room. Before I could stop him, Drew broke free of my grip and ran on still pretty stiff ankles over to the nearest bookshelf. It was one filled top to bottom with kids' books.
Unable to resist, I went over and took a look myself. The shelf I started browsing was filled with parenting books. Russ really was doing his best to bring up Carly himself, doing basically what I had done. I still looked for help on occasion from our parents and people I knew who had kids themselves, comparing notes. Russ didn't really seem to have that option, not really knowing anyone in the city. At least he wasn't trying to do it all alone, having his sister there to help.
“What the hell are you doing?” Returning to the floor from my two-foot jump in the air, I turned to see Russ storming into the room. “I was just —” “Snooping on me?” Russ demanded. “No. I just—” “I must look pretty pathetic, huh? A whole bookshelf of parenting books. I know there isn't supposed to be a manual, but I still tried to look, sucker that I am.”
“I don't —” “Pathetic! I know! I'm pathetic!” he raged, seeming to carry on the conversation himself.
“I never said that,” I said, managing to get a word in edgewise. “Really? Then why are you judging me?” Russ demanded. “I'm not judging you, and I'm not snooping. I was just interested,” I said, trying to keep it together, knowing he was just stressed because of his sister.
“I don't need your interest, and I don't need your pity,” Russ shouted, going completely off the rails. “I can do it all on my own.” I stepped back, making sure Drew was behind me. “I understand how you raising your daughter is your business. I just wanted to take the kids to school,” I said, still trying to reason with him.
Russ frowned and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I'm not sure that is a good idea. I don't want Carly to get the wrong idea, and it wasn't part of the original deal. You wanted a fake fiancé. Not a fake family.”
It stung, but I didn't say anything. I had a gut feeling that he was speaking out of anger and decided to leave. I got Drew back down to the car before he had a chance to see Carly. Not that he didn't ask about her all the way down. It was the longest elevator ride of my life.
The questions were still nagging me when I got to work. It was clear that I needed to get another opinion. Checking the time to make sure she wasn't on break, I called Vicky, figuring she would give me the truth. No matter how much it might hurt. “I need your help,” I blurted, as soon as she was through my office door. “Oh dear, I assume this has nothing to do with copying affidavits,” Vicky said, sliding into the chair in front of my desk.
“Good guess,” I said, trying to be light, and it not quite carrying off. “Is Drew okay?” my sister-in-law asked. “Oh, yeah, he's fine. He even made a friend!” “Well, that's wonderful!” Vicky said.
“She is Russ's daughter,” I added, putting a
bit of an edge on the words. “He has a daughter? Wow, that sounds complicated,” Vicky said. “And Russ and I are getting more involved. I was going to take Carly to school today so he could get to the hospital and see his sister, but he changed his mind when he found me looking through his bookshelf full of parenting books,” I explained, it all tumbling out at once.
“This is a predicament,” Vicky said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. “Any ideas what is going on?” I asked, trying not to sound desperate. “It seems pretty obvious to me,” Vicky said sagely. “What does?”
“You're into him. Almost every time I've come in here the past couple of days you have been telling someone about your hot fiancé. I know that is the idea. To look good and make others just a little bit jealous but that wasn't how it sounded to me. I know love when I hear it. Not sure why you are still pretending.” I knew she was right and there was no point in denying it. I had fallen for Russ, and while he was still acting as my fake fiancé, I wanted so much more. I wanted a relationship, if not a marriage, our kids the best of friends with nothing to change that.
I sighed. “To protect against heartache. Like if I pretended that it was all fake, nothing could really go wrong. I always give my all to the men I love, and they always leave in the end,” I said, feeling the heat returning to my cheeks.
“Do you think Russ is just another man?” Vicky asked.
No. In my heart, I knew that he wasn't like the guys I had loved before. The ones who had left eventually. Russ was something else. And it scared me even more.
Chapter Sixteen
Russ
It could be funny the habits you picked up. The things that you did no matter what else might be going on. In my case, it was work. Even with a sister in the hospital and a rocky relationship with a founding partner of my firm, someone who literally had her name on the building, I worked. It went beyond the need for money. I had expenses, there was no doubt about that, but it was still mostly a cover. I had defined myself by my work ethic for so long, without it, I didn't really know who I was anymore. I convinced the paralegals to give me what they had already found, using my wit and charm to convince them that it would be fine with the partners. I was sure I looked more than a little odd sitting next to Kim's hospital bed, legal briefs piled by my feet, but I had given up caring what other people thought of me in high school.
I was still a bit defensive about Carly, but that was because it wasn't really about me. It was about her and how I would raise her. Otherwise, it was simple.
When you're eighteen, you care what everyone thinks of you. When people get to thirty, they start to stop caring what people think about them. By the time most people get to sixty, it has finally dawned on them that no one was really thinking about them at all, most people being far too focused on their own lives and concerns. I was just ahead of the curve.
“Nerd,” Kimberly said, suddenly waking.
The pain killers they were giving her were effective but also played merry hell with her sleep schedule, at least half of them also contained a sedative. The prevailing theory being that it is better if the patient can sleep thought the worst of the pain. “And this is news?” I asked, nearly tossing aside the brief so I could take her hand. “No, just a friendly reminder,” Kim said, trying for a smile. “Guess who's getting released today,” I sang, my spirits irrepressible.
“Uncle Pete made parole?” “I meant you, smartass,” I teased. “Oh, happy day,” Kim dead paned.
“I knew you would be thrilled.” “Do you think I could take some of these groovy pain-killers home with me?” she joked.
“I think they might insist,” I told her. “Can we —”
“Don't you dare. Of course, we can afford it. I'll sell blood if I have to,” I insisted. “Yours, I hope.” “Suggestion noted.” After waiting for another hour, Kim was released, and I drove us home. As though the fates were offering an olive branch, there was a prime parking space right in front of the building. Getting Kim inside was easy, and she went straight for the bedroom.
“I have to go get Carly. Mom will be here soon,” I said. “Her plane landed a half-hour ago, and she’s already in a cab.”
“Is the wedding today?” Kim asked, looking up, confused. “Tomorrow, though, I think that might be off.” “Too bad, you really liked Ann,” my sister said, pulling her covers up to her chin. “How did —” She laughed a little. “Carly told me. Doesn't miss much that kid.” “I guess not,” I said, closing the curtains so Kim could sleep. I was early getting to the school, not having to leave from work. Though to be honest, I was not entirely sure I had a job anymore. I tried not to think about it too hard or what it might mean for the future. The worst-case scenario was I could go back into private practice. It would mean building from the ground up, but I had already done it once before.
As I got near the school gates, I saw Ann standing in front of them with an open box of cupcakes. I couldn't quite tell from the distance, but they looked like they had been homemade.
I had thought a lot about how we parted last, finding no earthly justification for acting like I had. I had been an asshole, and I knew it. I hadn't been avoiding the office so much as her, not sure I could look her in the eye. But there Ann was, and I had to face it. Especially considering the trouble she had gone to.
“Hi,” Ann said when I got out of the car.
“Hey,” I said, trying to play it cool.
I really wasn't sure how I felt about her. I had been wrong in blowing up but still felt a bit like I was being judged. The truce cupcakes were a nice touch, though. “Truce cakes?” I asked, pointing to the box.
“Yeah,” she said, with a touch of nervous laughter.
I decided to at least hear her out. She messed up, but so did I, and there was plenty of blame to go around. Besides which Ann had gone to a lot of trouble.
Leaving my car parked where it was, getting Carly's car seat out of the back, we loaded the kids into Ann's car in the lot.
“Where to?” I asked, as Drew read to Carly in the back.
“There is a park a few blocks away.” I hadn't expected L.A. to have much in the way of parks, imaging all smog and urban sprawl. It wasn't the first time I had been wrong. Finding a nice spot near a duck pond, the kids contented themselves with reading on the grass as we sat on a bench and ate the truce cakes, which were amazing. “I never really thought it would happen, you know?”
“What's that?” I asked, trying to stay neutral.
“That a guy like you would actually be interested in me. I wasn't sure if you were just doing it because I'm basically your boss, and I keep saying fake to remind myself that none of this is real. No matter how much I might want it to be.”
“I wouldn't have let you take Carly if there wasn't real. I was just trying to be careful. She's never really had a mother. My sister Kim does what she can, but Carly has only ever really had me. I wanted to make sure it wasn't all fake before I went and got her hopes up. She really does like you, you know.”
“The feeling is mutual,” Ann admitted. “Do you think we can start again, for real this time?”
“That's the best idea you've had since we met,” I said before kissing her passionately, the taste of the truce cakes carrying over.
Chapter Seventeen
Ann
After taking Russ back to his car before it was towed, we met back at my place. I had asked about going to his apartment, but his sister was still recuperating, and their mom was there to take care of her. It was best if we left them to it.
As soon as we were through the door, the kids were off and running to Drew's room to finish their reading, which we had so rudely interrupted by insisting that we leave the park. It was interesting that both of our kids should have the same wonderful addiction to books. If only I could get Drew as interested in math, he would be golden.
“There they go,” I said, looking at them fondly. “I guess we're no longer needed,” Russ agreed. “Not if they have books.”
&nbs
p; Taking a seat on the couch, we finished off the cupcakes, both of us making something of a mess of it. The icing being just that good.
“Hear that?” Russ asked.
“What do you mean?” I pulled my head up and looked around.
“The reading has stopped.”
I listened, hearing nothing but silence coming from Drew's room. We went to look.
Sure enough, they were both asleep, stuffed together on Drew's bean bag chair, each with their books still in their hands. Going in quietly, we each took our respective kid and put them down on the bed for a nap.
Russ and I kissed them on the forehead in perfect synch as though we had it rehearsed. We couldn't help but laugh.
Noticing a bit of icing on my nose, Russ leaned in and gently licked it off. Taking me by the hand, he took me into the bathroom, finding it on only the second try.
Kissing me again, he slowly began to undress me. First my jacket, followed by my blouse and then my skirt, all of them falling to the floor around me. Plucking up my courage, I did the same for him, peeling away the layers of his black, three-piece suit. Russ got my bra off in a single, smooth motion, which was really impressive, it being a struggle for me sometimes.
Turning on the water, he slid down my panties. I took down his boxers as we got into the shower.
“Turn around,” Russ ordered.
