by Cindy Rizzo
The sun had almost set by the time they entered the woods, and flashlights guided their way down the path to the pond. Hillary was noticeably quiet as Katie chattered about the cabin construction and her struggles with making a bedframe.
When they reached the pond, they sat in their usual spot. Crickets chirped a background beat, and Katie could hear the faint bass sounds of frogs. It was dark now, but the moon’s glow reflected off the pond and provided just enough light for Katie to see the tiniest bit of anguish on Hillary’s face.
“So, I have good news.” Hillary smiled in a way that Katie could only describe as forced. “I met with the Collective Membership Committee this afternoon, and you’ve been given final approval.”
Katie nodded, wondering why such good news should be so troubling to Hillary. “I guess I have you to thank for that.” Her smile was genuine as she took both of Hillary’s hands in hers.
“Yes, well,” Hillary immediately began to ease her hands free, “so my job as your orientation buddy is completed, and I won’t have to take you on these walks anymore.” Again the forced smile.
Katie opened her mouth but said nothing as the import of the news hit her. Now she understood the sadness in Hillary’s eyes and her failed attempt to be upbeat. She shook her head. “Why can’t we keep these walks?”
“Katie,” Hillary’s voice assumed its teaching tone, the same as when she’d first explained The Commitments, “you know we don’t condone coupling. It was fine to spend so much time together during your orientation, but now you need to build relationships with everyone here, not just me.”
“I have relationships with everyone. I’ve been teaching them all how to build a cabin.”
“But you don’t really talk to anyone but me, oh, and Fredi, I guess.”
She had switched back to the sweet, caring voice that filled Katie’s head each night as she dropped off to sleep.
Hillary stood and looked down at Katie. “I’m going to head back. Why don’t you wait here a few minutes before you follow?”
Katie’s head jerked up in shock. “Why?” Her voice was loud, almost shouting.
Hillary put her hand up to her own mouth, as if to indicate that Katie should keep her voice down. “It’s better this way. Really. It’ll be easier.”
Katie stood. If she followed Hillary’s instructions, then whatever they had, whatever she’d been hoping they might have, would be lost, evaporating like water in a glass left unattended. It was now or never.
She gazed at Hillary, who had made no move to leave. Neither of them spoke. Katie could see the pain in Hillary’s eyes. She stepped closer, until their faces were only inches apart. To Katie’s surprise, it was Hillary who closed the gap and touched her lips to Katie’s. At last they were kissing!
Katie had rehearsed this kiss in her mind hundreds of times but was still unprepared for how it captured her and held her in its embrace. She felt submerged, as if they had both jumped into the pond and were surrounded by warm water.
Their mouths opened, and there was a slow exploration with lips and tongues. Katie heard Hillary moan and pulled her closer, her hands firmly cradling Hillary’s back. It was Hillary who broke the kiss and rested her head on Katie’s shoulder. They clutched one another, swaying a bit and running their hands along each other’s backs.
It was the happiest moment she’d had since arriving at Sojourner, possibly the happiest moment of her entire life. They were together, just them, not part of some larger group, not hemmed in by rules or ideologies. This was something more than all of that, something much larger. Don’t let this end, Katie thought as she felt the soft touch of Hillary’s lips on her neck.
Hillary moved out of Katie’s arms. “I’m going now,” she said in a quiet voice. This time, she turned and walked away.
Katie was rooted to the spot, not yet comprehending what had just happened. She rubbed her cheeks to make sure she hadn’t dreamt these last few minutes of closeness with Hillary, that it had really taken place. She touched her lips, which still vibrated from kissing, and her fingers lingered there until she finally shook herself back to awareness. She pulled a small flashlight from her pocket and followed the thin light along the path back to Sojourner, the memory of Hillary’s touch on her back providing faint comfort.
The next day, there was no visit from Hillary at the cabin, no inquiries about supplies. By the third day, Katie knew that Hillary was avoiding her, especially when Fredi came walking through the door of the cabin and said in a sheepish voice, “Hillary asked me to find out if you need any supplies.”
Katie didn’t understand how Hillary could stay away; their connection had been so intense. But since the night at the pond, Katie had been unable to catch her eye at meals. Instead, Hillary ate quickly and left the table as soon as she could. Katie wasn’t sure what she should do. Should she try to talk to Hillary or leave things be for a while?
Feeling that all had been lost, Katie busied herself with working on Fredi’s new arrows—carving out thin wooden shafts, taking extra pains to make sure they were as straight and smooth as she could get them. Next she attached a rubber tip on one end and triangular fletching made of tin on the nocking end to provide a kind of ballast that should ensure the arrow would soar. She had no idea if her crazy design would work, but she was eager to see Fredi give it a try.
As Vagina Day approached, Katie dreaded the moment she would be watching Hillary strip down for what the collective referred to as “self-help.” They were all supposed to be present in the common room, paired off as each one in turn discovered the marvels of her body. But all Katie could focus on was the fact that Hillary would be back in the grip of the collective, as far away from their night in the woods as she could be. And this community event, created as a protest against a day that usually celebrated love, would be the first time she would see Hillary’s body. It all felt so wrong.
Could Hillary truly walk away from the connection they had shared that had been so powerful, so special? Katie thought about avoiding the whole situation by faking an illness that day.
Luckily, Katie had a happier event to look forward to. She was going to give Fredi her arrows.
The hours she’d spent fashioning the thin shafts of cedar and attaching the rubber arrowheads and tin fletching were richly rewarded by the smile on Fredi’s face as she gazed at the two arrows Katie placed in the palm of her hand. For the first time in days, Katie actually felt happy.
“Wanna give ’em a try?” she asked Fredi. “See those cans I put on the sawhorse over in the field? Why don’t you aim at one of them?”
Fredi bent down and picked up her bow, then stood and nocked one of the arrows in the notch Katie had cut into the wood. She pulled back on the string, her eyes focused on the target. To Katie, it felt as if the entire world was holding its collective breath as Fredi aimed and let the arrow fly. A second later there was a plunk as the arrow hit the can, and then there was laughter as they celebrated their joint success.
Katie draped her arm around Fredi’s shoulder and pointed to the second arrow lying on the ground. “Try the other one.”
Fredi nodded. There were two cans left on the sawhorse. As Fredi drew back the bowstring, Katie had a strange sense that something was different. Fredi’s stance looked the same, but even in that quick moment, Katie couldn’t shake a feeling that events had shifted. Sure enough, as the arrow flew from the bow, it veered far from the sawhorse—still in a perfect arc, but off to one side and out of their sight. Katie’s mouth flew open in surprise, and then she heard a loud “ouch” coming from the direction of the arrow’s flight. She ran to see if it had hit someone, Fredi trotting in her wake.
When Katie saw Hillary sitting on the ground massaging her left shoulder, she ran faster, diving like a runner trying to beat a throw to home. She grabbed onto Hillary’s arms and pulled her into a tight hug. “Are you okay? Are you okay?”
Hillary drew back a bit and looked at Katie, a warm expression on her face. “I think
so. It was just the shock of the unexpected hit.”
Katie gently massaged Hillary’s shoulder as they stared at one another.
“Hillary! Hillary! Are you okay? I’m so sorry,” Fredi called as she hurried toward them.
Her voice roused Katie and Hillary, and they both turned toward the approaching figure.
“I’m fine, Fredi,” Hillary said, “but what gives? Were you trying to hit me?”
Fredi shook her head vigorously as she fell to her knees. “No! I promise. I was aiming for the can on the sawhorse, but something went wrong.”
“Can you get some ice for her shoulder so it doesn’t swell up?” Katie asked, knowing it would make Fredi feel better if she was able to make amends in even a small way.
“Sure. Be back in a minute.” Fredi jumped to her feet and ran toward the main building.
Hillary leaned against Katie. “I’ve missed you,” she murmured.
Relief flooded Katie. “Me too you,” she said. “All I can think about is that last night at the pond.”
“I know. I convinced myself I was kissing you good-bye so I could remain true to everything we stand for here. But I don’t know, maybe I’m not strong enough or dedicated enough. Maybe I don’t deserve to be here.” She grabbed Katie, burying her head against the soft fabric of her worn denim work shirt.
No, thought Katie. They don’t deserve you. Carefully avoiding the sore shoulder, she held Hillary as she struggled for the right words to say.
“I got the ice, Hillary.”
Panting from exertion, Fredi crouched down beside them, holding a thin towel wrapped around what looked to be about a dozen ice cubes. Katie took the makeshift ice pack and gently placed it against the sore shoulder. Hillary’s body shivered at the touch of the cold compress. Then her eyes fixed on Katie and Katie gazed back, running a hand through Hillary’s hair.
“I think I’ll go look for my arrow and try to figure out what happened,” said Fredi.
In the days that followed, Katie and Hillary were inseparable. They sat together at meals, even ate off each other’s plates. Hillary resumed her daily visits to the cabin and stayed as long as she could, watching as Katie and Fredi finished the bedframe and began to measure one of the walls for built-in shelving. Whenever Katie and Hillary had time alone, usually in the cabin, they kissed, and Katie again experienced those same feelings of intense happiness.
“How about we take a blanket and go down to the pond tonight?” Katie whispered into Hillary’s ear as she got up to leave the cabin.
“Tonight’s Reflection Circle. We can’t miss that, especially with V-Day tomorrow.”
Katie sighed. “Oh, right.”
Hillary took Katie’s hand. “You know, it’s possible we’re going to be called out tonight for violating the couplist Commitment. Blue made a point of coming up to me after breakfast today to ask if anything was going on between us.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I didn’t know what to say. I mumbled something about us being close because I had been your orientation buddy.”
Hillary’s response made Katie wonder what it was that they actually did have together. She had to ask. “There is something going on between us, right?”
Hillary leaned over and kissed Katie on the mouth. “What do you think?” She smiled.
“I think we’re about to get called out, and we should be prepared.”
The residents of Sojourner Women’s Land assembled in the main room, some of them on the mismatched, worn furniture, and a few of them sitting cross-legged on the floor. Katie was next to Hillary on the couch, grateful Hillary hadn’t insisted they sit apart.
The Reflection Circle began with an opening ritual honoring the Goddess and the four elements of Wind, Water, Fire, and Earth. There were updates about new members, short-term visitors, and work shift adjustments, and Hillary’s report on supplies and finances. Then they discussed the set-up for Vagina Day, with longstanding members explaining how empowering it was to take control over one’s own body.
The last item on the agenda was always a review of The Commitments. Collective members questioned one another about how they could individually and collectively improve their efforts to live up to what they had defined as their radical feminist ideals. There was a long discussion about whether someone’s sister could visit with her six-month-old son, given that men were not permitted on The Land as residents or visitors. In the end, it was decided that a short visit by a male baby would not be contrary to their pledge to give their energies only to women, since a non-member was the one who would be caring for the child.
Blue reached for the talking stick. “I’d like to discuss how some of us can strengthen our efforts around the ‘no coupling’ Commitment so that the entire collective can be confident that we share the same values,” she said. “Hillary and Katie, are you able to talk about how you might do that?”
It was a veiled form of confrontation, but no one was fooled. They were being called out.
Katie spoke up. “I’ve never understood why we have this Commitment. I mean, how can you legislate what people feel? It doesn’t work. Why can’t Hillary and I just be allowed to be together?”
“Because we’re trying to model a new way of living.” Blue leaned forward in her chair, looking directly at Katie. “Coupling is like owning private property. The only way to end patriarchy is to smash that concept of the family.”
Hillary took Katie’s hand. “Both of you are right,” she said softly. Everyone turned to look at her.
“I mean, The Commitments make sense to me. They always have. But I’m either not strong enough or not dedicated enough to have avoided falling in love.”
Katie turned to get closer, her eyes open wide as she cupped Hillary’s face. “You have? You do?”
Hillary looked only at Katie as she whispered, “Yes.” She turned back to the rest of the group. “I know I’ve let you all down, but I just can’t fight these feelings. I’m sorry. I’ll train someone else as I wrap up my work here, and then I’ll be leaving.”
“We’ll both be leaving,” Katie said immediately.
“I’m going to have to figure out some other way to live as a radical feminist,” Hillary said.
There were sounds of protest and even some accusations, but it was clear to Katie that Hillary had made her decision. She watched as Hillary raised both hands to quiet the room.
“I’m not going to process this with you all in a group. I’ll talk one-on-one with those of you who want to engage. But I do want you to know that I’ll be leaving full of gratitude to all of you for the time I’ve spent here. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”
Everyone was silent as Hillary and Katie left the room.
The next day, Katie adjusted the blanket on her shoulder as they walked toward the pond.
“You sure you’re okay skipping out on Vagina Day,” she asked Hillary.
A sly smile brightened Hillary’s face. “More than okay.”
They were quiet as they walked down the slight incline toward the pond.
“How does Berkeley sound to you?” Hillary asked, breaking the silence. “I’ve heard from a lot of people that it’s a pretty cool place.”
Katie shrugged. “Not exactly country living.”
“I’m ready for a change. What about you?”
“Makes no difference. Anywhere you are is where I want to be. But there’s one thing.” There was a note of apprehension in Katie’s voice.
Hillary cocked her head in question.
“I’d like to let Fredi know she’s welcome to join us, now or later. I’ve never been comfortable with the way she’s treated here.”
Hillary stopped walking. “I’ve been just as bad as everyone else. Seeing you show her so much respect and kindness, I’ve been feeling really guilty.” She looked at the ground. “So, yes, let’s tell her she can come with us.”
The afternoon sun was now lower in the sky, and its light hit the pond at an angle. Katie
spread out the blanket, and they lay down facing each another.
“I thought maybe we could have our own private Vagina Day,” she said hesitantly.
Hillary grinned at her, raised her T-shirt over her head, and reached for the top snap on Katie’s jeans. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
They quickly dispensed with their clothing and gazed at one another’s bodies for the first time. Hillary slowly brushed her hands up and down Katie’s bare arms, settling them on her shoulders. She inched closer, and Katie lowered her head to rest against the crook of Hillary’s neck, breathing in the fresh scent of the peppermint soap they all used.
She felt the smooth landscape of Hillary’s back where it dipped slightly before meeting the soft, round contours of her behind. At Katie’s touch there, Hillary let out a tiny gasp.
A funny thought popped into Katie’s mind, and she began to chuckle, her head and body shaking against Hillary.
Hillary pulled back to look at her and smiled. “What?
“I was thinking how worried I’d been about seeing you naked on V-Day and how awful it would have been with all those people around. And now, here it is at last and you’re naked, and it’s amazing.”
Hillary rested a finger against Katie’s mouth and slipped it between her lips. Katie greeted it with her tongue.
“Mmm,” Hillary said. “I guess Valentine’s Day can turn out to be pretty special, if you just know how to celebrate it the right way. And luckily, you and I do.”
###
About Nikki Busch
Nikki Busch began writing song lyrics in her teens and progressed to writing poetry and short stories while attending Rutgers University, where she earned her bachelor of arts degree in English. Her poems have been published in the anthologies Unwrap these Presents, Delectable Daisies: Sappho’s Corner Poetry Anthology, Volume 4, Our Wonderful Country, Caret, and i.e.
Nikki worked as an advertising copywriter for thirty years before becoming an editor and publicist. She provides editing services for Ylva Publishing. She lives in Warren County, New Jersey with her wife, and is currently completing a graduate-level certificate program at the University of California-San Diego. She is a member of the Golden Crown Literary Society and Editorial Freelancers Association.
