by Harry Nix
“Save him,” Ori cried out, clutching my leg.
Whatever was in the gutter smelt horrific so I used the end of my staff rather than my hand. I managed to find the goblin and flick him out of the muck. He landed in a wet blob in the middle of the street. Just as I was thinking he’d need the fantasy equivalent of CPR, he rolled over and coughed out gunk on to the road. With that, he came to life, scurrying away down the street.
“That’s what you get for trying to steal his staff!” Scarlet called out.
You saved a goblin from drowning in shit! There will be consequences.
The message came and went and I got a tiny sparkle of gold experience. Seemed that Lucy was listening to me at little. Consequences sounded slightly threatening, despite being ambiguous.
I looked down at the staff, which was brown a quarter of the way up it. As I watched, the brown sunk into the wood, like Scarlet’s blood had. I was ready to chuck the thing if the brown made its way up the staff to my hand to absorb but apparently whatever was happening was something else.
Shit absorbed!
Some summoners soak their staves in fire, ice or other dark elemental forces. You’ve chosen... shit... for some reason. Keep it up and you’ll have a shit staff. Good for you, I guess.
I got a window, like the one showing the blood droplet I’d absorbed from Scarlet. This one had Summoner Staff at the top, a bunch of question marks with empty lines and a new one, Shit with a tiny slice of color filled. It was brown of course.
“Can I stick my staff in a fire to absorb it?” I asked Scarlet.
“You want to stick your staff somewhere hot?”
It would have been sexy but I could still smell the gutter.
“Or cold. Or dark.”
She shrugged, a movement that made the graveyard dress go up and down in interesting ways.
“Maybe, but I think a fire would just destroy it.”
I went back to the list of question marks. I’d killed Reginald the rabbit with my staff, getting blood all over it but I don’t remember it being absorbed. The blood had vanished though.
The screen resorted itself and a line appeared at the top.
Talking Rabbit
It was filled just a sliver.
“Sort, put filled lines at the top,” I said under my breath.
The lines rearranged and now I had two filled lines, Shit and Talking Rabbit.
So... the staff can absorb things to change its nature and I was able to absorb demoness blood. How did that work? Was it by my will or were there only certain things I could absorb?
Spotting a muddy puddle nearby I dipped the end of the staff into it.
Dirty Water
Another sliver. I held the staff there but the line didn’t move. A moment later another message flashed up.
The First Drop is Free
But the rest you gotta pay. Seek out powerful sources to change your staff or yourself. Bron puddle water ain’t gonna change the world.
Scarlet and Ori watched me as I backtracked to a nearby patch of grass and stuck the staff in it. From that I got Grass and Dirt.
A green and brown sliver, respectively.
I pulled my staff out of the hole and stuck my fingers in it, thinking absorb but nothing happened.
“This is all very exciting but can we get moving?” Scarlet said. She was starting to look anxious again. I didn’t spot any threats so maybe it was about her missing hermit Bron and the city that wasn’t meant to be here.
With half an eye on the map, we went down the street and around the corner. It was hard to keep my focus on it because of the strange creatures who passed us. Mixed in with regular humans were dwarves, some undead wearing formal suits, a few talking animals (including a pair of rabbits in elaborate waistcoats) and a tiny goblin who had giant Orc bodyguards. One of them had one red eye and one blue. He was carrying a two-faced club, just like Ark and Pico.
“Hey watch it,” a black cat swore at me as it ran in front of my legs and was almost punted into the sun.
“Dude, you ran in front of me,” I said.
“Whatever,” the cat said, slipping away into the dark.
We finally came upon a row of shops, all with elaborate hand-painted signs out the front. All were locked up tight except for Lady Trang’s. I pushed the door open and there was a thunk from above me as it hit a shrunken head that was hanging from a string.
“Ring ring customers,” it said and then grinned at us with yellowed teeth.
Inside the shop was a series of wooden tables covered in all manner of things. There wasn’t really any order. On one table was a giant two-handed sword longer than me leaning against a pile of books. Beside that were colorful potion bottles and a plate of cupcakes. Not a foot away was a bowl of blood, shimmering. It felt... tainted. Wrong somehow. Another table had a pile of blue feathers, some dice, a few rings and a collection of cooking equipment. Tiny inked cards sat by each piece, displaying prices. The cheapest thing I saw was a handful of orange petals for six coppers. There was a pearl comb that cost a whopping twenty-four gold. The bowl of blood was four silvers.
There was a shuffling and coughing from behind a beaded curtain and a little old lady shuffled out. When I heard Trang I was thinking Vietnamese and sure enough she looked like that. She was wearing a long apron, like a blacksmith. It was dotted with flecks of dried blood and sticking out of the pocket was the handle of a machete.
“Buying or selling?” she croaked before sitting down in a chair behind one of the tables. Above her head, nailed to the wall was a flat piece of polished wood. As she spoke, the same message with a small addition traced across it in red lines, like living fire.
Buying or selling? Don’t waste my time.
“Selling, then hopefully buying,” I said.
I went over to her and started unloading my bag. It was a weird experience to see large pieces of ruined armor being pulled from the black. I piled up the armor and then placed the rusted sword next to it. Briefly I considered dropping Reginald’s corpse on the table but then I remembered Augustus’ warning to keep it out of sight. Maybe I should get rid of it as soon as possible. In a city of sapient talking animals, I was carrying around a corpse... although I did have the thought that if I ran short on money, I could cook him... it. It. I had to start thinking of Reginald as it or I’d never be able to eat... it.
“That all?”
What is this crap?
I glanced up at the sign and back to her wrinkled face.
“For now,” I said. I wanted to see what she’d pay before considering selling the Echo Knife.
Lady Trang cleared a space between the ruined armor and the sword.
“Destroyed armor, two coppers. Rusted short sword, I can give you eight. All up that’s one silver.”
She dropped a single silver coin in the middle.
The sign was blank now. I guess it wasn’t there to give away her thoughts during bargaining.
“Polish up that sword and you’ll get a lot more for it,” I said, trying to up the price.
“You’re right. And I will. Which is me doing work, which will push the price up. You’re welcome to polish it yourself. I sell whetstones. Cheapest is two silver.”
I looked over at my two demons for help but they were wandering the tables. Ori was actually on a table, picking up random objects. Maybe it was because he was the size of a toddler that I had to stifle the urge to tell him to get down. Scarlet was holding a short green dress up against herself, looking at the size.
I glanced by to Lady Trang.
That’s an interesting bulge.
The red lines flashed away so quick it was like they were never there. But I’d seen it and knew what Lady Trang was looking at.
“I’ll take it,” I said, scooping up the silver piece and dropping it into my bag. Lady Trang swept the armor off the table and the sword too.
I went to over to Scarlet, who was twirling in a mirror, the green dress against her body.
“C
an I have the Echo Knife?”
“Sure... if you can get it,” she said. She leaned forward a little and I saw the end of the hilt buried down in her cleavage. Way down.
With her watching me with a smirk, I slipped my fingers in and tried to get a grasp of the hilt. Her skin was warm and soft and she raised her eyebrows at me, sort of like oh, my what are you doing sir?
I finally managed to get hold of the knife and carefully removed it. It looked sharp as hell but hadn’t cut her. As soon as it was out, Scarlet returned to the mirror, picking up a tiara from a nearby table and trying it on.
I went back to Lady Trang.
“How much for this?”
!!!!!
Lady Trang’s face was as flat and still as a pond but the sign behind her lit up like Christmas.
“Six gold,” she said, dropping it in front of her.
“I was thinking eight.”
She silently dropped two more gold on the pile.
“Or ten.”
Two more pieces landed.
“Or twelve.”
“Watch it boy,” Lady Trang hissed.
Behind her lines of fire lit up showing a man getting his head torn off by a monster twice his size. It was in fire but he looked a lot like me.
Ten gold pieces. That was six to settle Augustus and Orson’s turf war with four leftover. More than enough to gear up a little, get some provisions, maybe even buy a whetstone or cooking equipment. I hadn’t seen a list of other skills yet but I was assuming it had ones like cooking, blacksmithing and so on.
But... ten gold meant this knife was powerful. The ability to double wound could be very profitable indeed when it came time to grind out some quests. I could get ten gold now or use the knife to make hundreds of gold over time.
Yeah, I was coming from unemployment and living in a shitty apartment so I know it sounds like I’m full of it but always bet on yourself and always choose the long-term.
I put the knife away. Lady Trang swept the gold off the counter and back into some hidden pocket.
“Have you heard of an Orc with two orcs in his mind? Names were Ark and Pico.”
“Basic information is a copper. Intermediate is a silver. Advanced is a gold and prices go up from there depending on what you’re asking.”
“Can you give me an example of each level?”
“Copper I give you a direction to walk in. Silver I tell you a region. Gold I draw you a map, if I know it.”
She mustn’t have known about triangulation. Find others who used the same system and for three coppers and some walking I could triangulate those Orcs.
I didn’t want to break my silver but I threw it on the counter anyway.
“Copper info.”
“They’re that way,” she said, pointing behind her.
My map opened up and an arrow appeared over her shop location, showing where she was pointing. It was in the opposite direction we’d come from.
Lady Trang swept away the coin and dumped nine coppers in their place. They went into my bag. I opened the closed the map twice just to make sure the arrow stayed in place. It did.
I went back over to Scarlet and gave her the Echo Knife back. She slipped it into her cleavage and then put the green dress on the table. It was six gold. She saw me looking at it so she took my hand and pressed it to the fabric.
Green Dress
Why you sexy thing! Increases any attraction, charm, charisma based spell or ability. Levels up with wearer.
Hate to see you leave but love watching you go...
The line about leveling up caught my eye. If I had six gold I’d be tempted. Maybe after we went questing for gold.
I looked around the tables, checking out various things. The bowl of blood was cursed centaur blood, useful for summoning and other dark magics. Maybe that meant I could dip the staff in it, absorb the blood and enhance the staff... although I still had no idea what that really meant. I could only cast Bolt as an offensive spell. What would doing that from a blood staff do? Add blood to lightning?
As I was turning a ring over in my hand, I wondered how theft worked in the Nine Realms. Even without stats to check, I assumed I sucked at it but that’s how most games started. If I stole this ring, would I begin to level it up?
I looked over to Lady Trang, who was reading a book.
Don’t even think about it.
I dropped the ring on the table and the fire wisped away.
“Let’s go find a quest,” I said.
8
“...and the quester shall therefore become an indentured servant for a period of no less than three months measured from the first day of failure at midnight...” Scarlet read before trailing off.
“This one will take your kidneys if you fail it,” I said, tapping my finger on a quest pinned to the notice board.
There were plenty of quests for us to choose from, most generic fantasy game ones. Kill spiders and collect their fangs, deliver a locked box, gather flowers in some forest... but the fine-print under them was killer. They were all time-limited and failure wasn’t taken lightly. At best it was a financial punishment. At worst it was slavery... or your heart.
“Uh Lot,” someone grunted from behind us.
I turned around to see a giant barbarian with an ax resting on his shoulder. He was wearing leather boots, a jockstrap and a grin. I don’t know if it was a magical effect but he glistened like he’d been dipped in a barrel of oil.
We moved out of his way. He tore a quest off the board and a moment later it dissolved in his hand, sinking into his skin. As he did, the quest paper reformed on the board.
“Uh Lot,” he grunted at us before walking away, whistling merrily.
“He took the spider one. Maybe we should too,” Scarlet said.
I looked at his oiled buttcheeks walking away from us.
“You just want to see some more of that uh Lot badonka-donk.”
“I do not.”
“It’s fine. I can get some oil, find a strip of fabric to hold everything, grease myself up.”
“Like slippery piglets playing in a sack,” Scarlet murmured, watching the barbarian go.
“I need rest to regenerate but maybe sticking with the big human with the big ax is a good idea,” Ori squeaked.
I was tempted to say yes. I wasn’t quite sure how time worked in game compared to the reality outside. If I slept was that a night outside? I could feel weariness tugging at me but maybe that was just Lucy, making this simulation as real as real could be. Perhaps if I ignored it, it would adapt and go away.
Scarlet yawned then and I caught it too. The tired feeling washed over me, like a spell. Although it was eight coppers to spend the night at The Glove and it would leave us with just one left over, it was looking like a good idea.
“Sleep tonight, we’ll leave early in the morning,” I said, reaching for the spider quest. Scarlet pushed my hand away from it.
“Time-limited, remember? The timer starts the moment you accept it.”
“Oh, right.”
We left the quest board behind and made our way back to The Glove. On the way, I saw a giant, easily twice the height of a man, pulling a cart filled with ore. It had shimmery lines of green shot through it. He was accompanied by four guards with crossbows who were staring down anyone who came near.
“Shimmer Ore. Makes stronger steel and takes an enchantment well,” Scarlet said and then yawned again.
I caught it again and so did Ori. We were all yawning by the time we went inside The Glove.
Although my stomach was rumbling at the smell of the stew, I decided that could wait for morning. I paid Ahab eight coppers and he whistled a hopper kid out of nowhere. He was yellow and blue, like paint swirled but not completely mixed.
“This way!” he said to us, waving to follow him. I saw he had the same rubbery fake hands as Ahab.
We went upstairs and to a room at the end of the corridor. It was plain, a little manky but not too bad. There was a single bed, a chamb
er pot, a bottle of slightly murky water, two candles flickering, and three locks on the back of the door.
“Lock, lock, lock, keep out bad ones,” the kid said.
He zapped outta there so quick that I didn’t get to consider whether I was meant to be tipping him or not. With a single copper to my name, I preferred not.
“Three in the bed and the little one said...” Scarlet murmured.
“I’m gonna soil it,” Ori said.
That didn’t mean what I thought. As I watched, he liquefied and slipped through a crack in the floor. I assumed we were over the bar but there weren’t any shouts from down below. I suppose he didn’t splatter on someone’s head or land in their beer.
“Is he going to sleep in the dirt under the bar?”
“Ink demons. He needs to take elements from the soil to rebuild himself,” Scarlet said, pushing the door closed. She glanced back at me and closed one lock.
“Oh,” Scarlet gasped, as though someone had spanked her.
She slowly reached for the second one and did it again.
I saw entranced float across but I wasn’t so far gone as not to recognize how absurd this all was. She was so incredibly sexy she could make locking a door hot.
“Oh my, that’s so sturdy,” Scarlet whispered, running her finger over the second lock.
I was mesmerized as she closed the final lock and then shook herself, like a shiver had gone through her body.
Despite my state, I’m managed to sit on the side of the bed. It was soft enough but made a slight crunching noise. I think it was filled with straw.
“So here we are,” Scarlet said.
She reached into her cleavage and pulled out the Echo Knife, letting it drop point first to the floor, where it stuck. About an inch away, on the same floorboard, a small hole opened up on the wood as the second wound was struck.
I would have been interested in testing that magic out but Scarlet was all I could focus on.
She took out the graveyard spike next, spun it in her fingers and then dropped it to the floor.
It thudded rather than stabbed, rolling a little before rocking to a stop.
