Will had his hands in his pockets, but when he stepped toward me, he was slow to pull them out. Before I knew what he was doing, he wrapped both arms around me and hugged me to his chest. I was so surprised it took a moment to register, and I was slow to hug him back, setting my hands on his side and holding myself to him, breathing in his welcoming, musky scent. Similar to Declan’s smell, but different.
But, I guess, that was the root of it. They were similar, but so very different when it all came down to it.
“I told him to watch out for you,” Will whispered, his lips brushing against my hair, his warm breath sending tiny shockwaves of lust through me, “so now I’m going to tell you to watch out for him.”
I smiled against his chest. “What am I supposed to say to you, then?”
He didn’t hesitate when he said, “You don’t have to say anything. I’ll watch out for the both of you.” Will’s solid, muscular chest heaved with a short chuckle. “Although, if you wanted to give me your number, I wouldn’t say no.” He was slow to release me, though his hands still held onto my shoulders, as if he was letting me go, but not fully.
I blinked at him. Was he really asking for my number, after all this? Seemed like such a silly thing, a tiny thing, a thing that normally wouldn’t really matter, considering everything we’d been through together, but for some reason, the history we shared, the importance of Declan in both of our lives, only made it mean more.
“Okay,” I said, and then, as his hands finally released me, I told him my number, watching as he input it into his phone. Was it crossing a line? I didn’t know, and frankly I didn’t much care. I liked Will. What harm was it to give him my phone number?
Will got into his car after tossing me a smile and waving to Declan, and both Declan and I watched him drive off, leaving us alone once more. The sky was turning different shades of dark blue, night almost upon us. We stood there a bit on the sidewalk, neither one of us saying anything. Declan had watched the exchange between us, and I could only imagine what he was thinking.
However it wasn’t until we returned to the room when Declan voiced a question that made me freeze as I bent into the fridge to get out some water.
“Do you have feelings for my brother?”
My hand was halfway outstretched to a water bottle, but I knew I shouldn’t get it. I straightened my back and turned to face him. Declan stood near his desk, leaning on the back of his desk chair, his hands tight around the top back support. His question had been pointed and serious, spoken with an air of knowing disappointment, as if he already knew what the answer was.
As I stared into his dark brown gaze, I couldn’t help but wonder what was the right answer here. Would lying hurt him more, or would telling the truth? Either way, I didn’t want to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt Declan, even if sometimes he could seem like two different people. The sad Declan, the depressed Declan…and the angry, take no shit Declan.
No.
I’d already lied to him too much. No more lying. It was time to tell the truth.
“I do,” I whispered, the two words probably the two final nails in the so-called coffin. Whatever Declan and I could’ve had, there was no way we could have it now. Ah, well. The brother sandwich was nice to think about while it lasted.
Declan let out a loud breath, and he closed his eyes for a moment. “I think he likes you, too.”
I moved closer to him; I couldn’t help it. I hated the distance between us, and I’d do anything to close it. Hearing that he thought Will liked me back was…not enough to make me overlook the hurt in his expression. “Declan, I—”
“It’s okay,” Declan said, turning away from me. He moved around his chair, plopping himself down. “Everyone usually likes him better. He’s more relatable, funnier.” He started listing Will’s qualities as if he was his own brother’s online dating profile.
As he went to open his laptop, I was at his side, slamming a hand over it and closing it. I stood less than a foot away from him, a bit taller than him since he was sitting down, but the height difference would do us some good in this conversation. He had to listen to what I was about to say, and he had to listen well.
“I don’t just have feelings for Will,” I told him, my heart practically choking the words before they came out of my throat. I didn’t want to have a serious heart to heart tonight, not with what I planned on doing to Sawyer, but maybe just getting it all out there would be good for the both of us. Maybe after tonight we could move past it. “I have feelings for you too, even if you are impossible sometimes.”
Declan’s brows furrowed, and he said, “I don’t—”
“I’m allowed to care for you both. I’m allowed to like you both. I’m allowed to want to kiss you both. Doesn’t mean I’m going to, but damn it, Declan, I can’t help what I feel, and I don’t need you judging or getting depressed. What we have is a good thing, and you’re right—if anything happened between us, things would only get more—”
Declan must’ve had enough of my rambling, for he didn’t listen to it a second longer…mostly because he’d taken both hands to my neck and brought my face down to his, our lips crashing together like magnets, drawn upon each other like two opposite forces needing to finally collide. His lips were hard, at first, but after the initial kiss, his passion turned slow and heated, and it was right when my body started to respond that he pulled himself off me.
“I thought…” My voice came out shaky, my breathing ragged. Even though his lips weren’t on mine, I could still feel them, as if their sensation lingered, a ghostly, pleasing feeling I could remember perfectly.
“I know,” he whispered. “But I changed my mind. I’m not going to lose you—not to Will, not to Sawyer, not to Travis. I’m going to fight for you, Ash. I’m not going to sit back and watch you drift away from me. I need you in my life.” A heartfelt plea, one that tugged on my heartstrings, as tough as I thought they were.
Turned out, my heartstrings were not that tough. Declan was able to pluck them effortlessly, play me like a fiddle even though I was no instrument. He was my maestro, and he would be my undoing.
“No matter what happens,” I said, still tasting his mouth on mine, my lips tingly, “you won’t lose me. No matter what, I promise I won’t walk away from you.” It was a promise I probably shouldn’t have made, yet there I was, proclaiming it loudly and boldly, as if this was our love story.
I was a fool. This wasn’t a love story. This was the story of my downfall, and it all started when I came to Hillcrest and met these beautiful, broken boys.
Chapter Twenty-Two – Ash
As the hours ticked by, I lay awake in bed, staring at the dark ceiling. Declan was asleep; I could tell by the sound of his steady, even breathing. After the kiss, after what he’d said and what I’d said in return, it was both strange yet welcoming that neither of us had addressed it again while we did our nightly routine. Declan spent a bit longer than he should’ve in the bathroom, but I figured I’d give it to him. If we were both guys, I’m sure that bathroom would be seeing a lot more jacking off. Plus, I wasn’t an angel. I’d done my fair share of self-love in that shower too, thanks to these guys constantly getting me worked up and yet not helping me finish the race.
Like Mario Kart though, I was good.
I was purposefully staying awake, knowing what I had to do tonight, and yet I was so conflicted. Me confessing to Declan about my feelings for his brother had not gone how I’d thought it would. I thought he’d get upset, get mad…not kiss me. After all those almost-but-not-quite encounters we’d had, I didn’t think all it would take for Declan to overcome the trepidation was me telling him I cared for Will.
The problem was I cared for them all. All of them. Every last one of them, even if it was to my detriment. Will and Declan, Travis and Sawyer; it was like they were my broken boys, like it was up to me to fix them…after I got back at them. After I made them realize I wasn’t a pawn they could command or use. I was not on the board at all; I was th
e chess player, and these guys were the pawns.
At least, that’s what I would tell myself until it was over…
I held my phone against my chest, burying myself in my blanket to check the time. Just after midnight. With how Sawyer’s parties usually went, I knew there were still a few more hours of prime partying time left, so I’d wait a bit longer.
I heard Declan move in his bed, and I tugged the comforter off my head and turned to look at him through the darkness. He’d turned in bed, now facing the wall, his back to me. With any luck, he wouldn’t wake up while I was gone. I planned on doing what I had to do, staying until Sawyer was alert enough to understand that I got him and that this game, whatever he wanted to call it, was done, and then hightailing it back here. Declan wasn’t a morning person anyway; I had some time, even after the sun came up.
Time seemed to slow to a crawl, and I wished I could have something else occupy my time to help it move faster. Lying there, lost in my own head, wasn’t healthy, not with my thoughts. I…there was so much about me these guys didn’t know, and I couldn’t help but wonder if they’d let themselves feel anything for me if they knew the truth.
What I did. What I was a part of…what I helped him do.
My mom didn’t know, but that was because I kept everything about my ex a secret. Ray Ruiz was not the kind of man you could easily bring home to mommy or daddy; there were so many things about him I knew my mom wouldn’t like…starting with the fact that he was nearly double my age. Yeah, that was a big one, but of course it wasn’t the biggest. Little did I know at the time what a man like that was capable of, what I would unknowingly do.
I closed my eyes, fighting the waves of memories off. I would not lose myself to them. It was bad enough I had panic attacks sometimes, and the nightmares…I would not let myself think about him any more than I had to. He was not my future; he was my past, and he was dead to me, locked up in the court system. Behind bars, Ray couldn’t get to me. I was safe…and all the other girls who would’ve breathed their last breath in his hands were safe, too. That’s all that mattered.
After a while, I checked my phone again, and found it was half-past two. Still a bit early when it came to Sawyer’s parties, but it would do.
I silently threw the covers off me, sliding out of bed. I still wore normal clothes, having never changed into my pajamas. On my knees beside my bed, I reached beneath it and pulled out my backpack, inching it out slowly so as to not wake up Declan. His breathing never changed; I was as quiet as a mouse. I slipped an arm through one of the backpack’s straps, grabbing my high tops before I headed towards the door. I’d put on my shoes in the hallway, where I could see what I was doing, and where Declan had less of a chance to hear me.
When I made it to the door, I paused and threw a look over my shoulder. Declan hadn’t moved, nestled in his sheets against the wall, practically hugging his pillow. I remembered sleeping with him, waking up next to him and feeling his arm around me.
And then he’d called me Sabrina, and the magic was over.
I couldn’t help but wonder if my looks, the way I reminded him of her, was the only reason he felt for me, the only reason he wanted to kiss me. He hadn’t fought enough for her, and now she was dead; I suppose I should be thankful that he was going to fight for me. I didn’t know whether I was or not, though.
Complicated feelings. I didn’t appreciate them.
Inhaling silently, my palm was sluggish in turning the knob, opening the dorm’s door as quietly as I possibly could. Really, it was a good thing the hinges didn’t squeak. What the hell would I say to Declan if he woke up right this second and demanded to know where I was going? I mean, he wasn’t my keeper, but after everything we’d been through together, he kind of did have a right to know.
I needn’t have worried so much, because the door was quiet, and I opened it just enough to slip through the crack. When I was out in the hall, I soundlessly closed the door behind me, keeping the knob turned until it was closed, and then slowly releasing it.
The light in the hall made me squint, for I’d grown used to the darkness of the room. I walked down a few feet in the hall before bending to put on my shoes, tying them up quickly. No other rooms were open; it was past the point when the majority of students went to bed, even on a weekend. The ones that partied didn’t live in the freshmen dorms anyway, and I bet a lot of the people who came to Sawyer’s parties weren’t even Hillcrest students. I bet a lot of them were local, like that Brooklyn bitch.
Once my shoes were on and the backpack’s straps adjusted to my shoulders, I started the walk to Sawyer’s house, moving through the halls of the dorm until I got to the elevator. You couldn’t take the stairs and the side exit once it passed a certain time in the night, so I had to leave past the front desk. I didn’t take my skateboard, though maybe I should have. I thought it’d only be one extra thing to lose, something for Sawyer to once again lord over me, should he not be as drunk and as out of it as I needed him to be.
Plus, walking was kind of cathartic. I needed the time alone, to breathe in the night air, to unravel the mangled, tangled feelings inside of me.
I emerged outside and breathed in deeply. Oh, yeah. I didn’t want to have feelings for these guys. I knew none of them were good for me, not even Declan or Will. When you had money, you tended to have a bunch of other problems, too. I didn’t want to be privy to that. I didn’t want to have to deal with that. After Hillcrest, I didn’t want to make it big; I didn’t want to drown in money and take baths in hundred-dollar bills. I just wanted to make it to the middle class. That wasn’t such a lofty goal.
These guys…I doubted they’d survive if they were middle class. Maybe Will, but even then, I was reminded of the hospital, how he’d said he’d take care of my medical bills. Even though he didn’t like using his family’s money, he did use it. Deep down, he was no different than anyone else here.
My feet drew me across campus. It was almost spooky how different the buildings looked in the darkness, illuminated by nothing other than the streetlights every here and there, and the silver moon above my head. My skin itched; it was almost like I expected someone to pop out from the shadows and grab me…almost like I knew tonight wasn’t going to turn out how I wanted.
No. Tonight I was going to get Sawyer good, and in a few hours when he was sober enough to realize it, I’d be there, too. I’d be there when he swore at me, when he tried to command me to let him go and undo what I did. I mean, yes, I’d let him go, but undoing it? He’d have to figure that one out himself. I did plan on taking a bunch of pictures, though. You know, for blackmail purposes. You never knew when a picture of Sawyer in a compromising position with some embarrassing additions to his person would come in handy.
I made it to the edge of campus, stopping before I crossed the four-lane road separating Hillcrest from the big rental houses nearby. The road was pretty empty since it was so late at night, so I walked in the crosswalk, glancing at the nearest huge house and wondering just how much these rich kids had to pay in order to rent them. No joke, they were literal mini-mansions. I bet they cost more than quadruple what it cost my mom to pay for our tiny place back at home.
Most of the big houses were shrouded in darkness, but Sawyer’s wasn’t. The party was still going, though I saw the driveway and front yard was mostly devoid of cars. A few still lingered, a few too many. I’d wait a bit longer until more of them left, and then I’d head in, fingers crossed he was too drunk to realize I was there not to seduce him but to use him in a vastly different way.
As I headed up the grass, I froze when I spotted the person standing on the front porch, leaning against the wooden rail, smoking a cigarette. The curtains inside the house were drawn closed, which was probably why Travis was so comfortable being so close to the house. From what it sounded like before, he and Sawyer weren’t on best terms lately, because of me.
I’d feel sorry about it, but…well, you know.
Travis’s back straightened when
he spotted me, a dimpled smile growing on his lips as he inhaled and took the cigarette from his mouth. He held it in for a few moments, letting the smoke drift out of his nose as I made it to his side. Tobacco wasn’t my favorite scent, far from it, but I was beginning to associate it with Travis, which, if I was honest, was making me start to like it a bit too much.
Travis’s tattooed body wore a dark shirt, black like most of his tattoos and his hair. His legs were covered in dark jeans, a size too tight, letting me get a nice view of the curve of his ass as I headed onto the porch.
I glanced around us, making sure we were alone, that no windows were open nearby. Being so close to the house, I could only hear the thumping of the music, not the beat or the lyrics to whatever song was playing. Just mindless background noise. “What are you doing here?” I asked, leaning on the wooden railing near him.
“I’m here for backup, if you need me,” Travis spoke, turning his dimples on me.
God, even though he’d basically kidnapped me and chained me up in his room, his smile still affected me way more than I wished it did. “I don’t need backup,” I said.
“Where Sawyer’s concerned, everyone needs backup.” Travis threw his cigarette down and stepped on it, then pushed it off the porch and into the mulch below.
“As long as he’s drunk, I’ll be fine,” I said. “I thought you weren’t welcome around here anymore?”
“I’m not, but if you go in that house, I’m going, too. I’m not going to let Sawyer use you, Ash,” Travis spoke, turning to face me. When he breathed, I could still smell smoke. I should’ve stepped away from him, but I didn’t. I remained motionless as he took a step toward me, saying softly, “He was my friend, but you are so much more than that.”
My eyes fell to Travis’s lips for only a few moments before I returned to stare at his blue, sapphire eyes. “I’m sure you’ll be friends again soon. He’ll get over it.”
Freak (Hillcrest University #2) Page 16
