by Elle Casey
I go into my room and collapse on the bed, falling instantly into a fitful sleep. I’m not one bit surprised when the ghost of Charlie arrives to haunt me once more. This time I don’t fight it; I let him come. What’s one more man trying to destroy who I am? The darkness that represents the love I used to have for the man I killed surrounds me and I listen once again as Charlie lists all the reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed to be a mother.
CHAPTER TWENTY
I go to work, my goal for the day to sit down with Ozzie and talk to him about the problems I’m having with Lucky and Thibault. I’m confident he’ll back me up. He knows that my being pregnant doesn’t change anything about my abilities. He’s told me many times how much he values my contribution to the team, and I know he doesn’t want to put me behind a desk when I could be useful elsewhere.
Unfortunately, I quickly learn that Ozzie’s goal for the day is to schmooze the chief of police. First, he’s gone all morning in meetings at the police station, and then I hear through May that he’s at lunch with the chief and a couple detectives who we work with frequently.
I’m tapping my pen on a legal pad over and over as I search through hours of videotape, frustrated that I’m getting nowhere with my personal life.
“What’s up with you?” May leans back in her squeaky chair from the cubicle next to me, headphone wires dangling from her ears. I’m doing a search of our video recordings and she’s doing the same with the sound files. We traded chores for the day to keep things interesting.
I don’t bother looking at her for more than two seconds before turning my attention back to the video. “Nothing.”
She pulls her headphones out of her ears and swings one of the earbuds at me, hitting me in the arm with it. “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”
I pause the video and sigh loudly, hoping she’ll take the hint. “Trying to work here.”
“You’ve been working for three hours straight. Take a break. You know what they say—all work and no play makes Toni a dull girl.”
I turn to look at her and find her smiling like a lunatic. “Don’t you get tired of being goofy all the time?”
“Don’t you get tired of being grouchy all the time?”
My frown jumps back into place. “I’m not grouchy. I’m . . .” I almost let it slip that I’m stressed. Holy hell. That’s all I need to do—feed her fire with more gossip fuel.
She rolls her chair closer to mine. “What’s that? What’s going on? You can tell me. I promise, I won’t tell a soul.”
“Except for your sister and Ozzie, of course.”
She shrugs. “That’s a given. But I figure nobody minds if those two know what I know.”
She’s probably right about that. Neither of them would ever use one of my secrets against me. But that doesn’t mean I want to share with anyone right now. “I’m fine. I just want to talk to Ozzie about something.”
“Oh, is that why you keep asking where he is?”
I roll my eyes. “Why else would I be asking where he is?”
May shrugs. “I don’t know.”
The tone of her voice makes me suspicious. I look more closely at her expression and see worry there. “How many times do I have to tell you . . . I have no interest whatsoever in your boyfriend.”
She winks at me. “Fiancé. He’s my fiancé now. But anyway, I know you’re not interested in him.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask her what her deal is, because there’s clearly something going on in that crazy head of hers, but I really don’t want to open up a conversation about my boss with his fiancée. Lord only knows what private information she’d share with me that I’d never be able to scrub from my brain.
I go back to my video and press the play button so I can watch more frames of a front door that hardly ever opens. We saw Marc come out of that house the other day, but there’s been no sign of him since.
“Can I ask what you want to talk to Ozzie about? Is it personal?”
I shake my head. “No, you cannot ask.”
“Okay, then, I’m going to assume it’s personal. So, what could Toni want to speak to Ozzie about that is so personal she doesn’t want to share it with me?”
I refuse to rise to the bait, but her next statement catches me by surprise.
“You could talk to him tonight at the pizza party.”
I hit the pause button on my video again and turn to face her. “What pizza party?”
She rolls her eyes at me and shakes her head. “Don’t you read my emails? I sent you the information yesterday.”
I tend to save her emails for one mass reading when I have the strength reserves handy to keep my patience. She sends more of them than anyone else on the team by far, and half of them are useless babble as far as I’m concerned.
I switch over to the email system and log in my personal details, bringing up eight emails that I’ve not yet read. I scan them for mention of a pizza party and find it. “Sorry,” I say distractedly. “I’ve been busy.”
May mumbles under her breath. “Busy filtering me out.”
I scan the information in the message. Apparently, there’s a pizza party tonight at Jenny’s house and the entire team is invited. I chew my lip as I consider my options. Lucky stayed in my brother’s cottage last night, saving me from throwing a total bitch fit at him in the morning. If I had seen him sitting in my kitchen after I woke up from all those Charlie-nightmares, I would’ve lost my temper for sure. Thankfully, Thibault knows me well enough to realize that Lucky was better off with him than me.
I need to talk to Ozzie before they do. I don’t want them poisoning his mind with the idea of viewing me as a helpless fool. I also want to get his advice on what I should do about Lucky. Ozzie knows both of us better than anyone, even better than Thibault does, and I trust his judgment more than my own. I have a habit of dealing with things in the harshest way possible, but this situation demands a little more finesse than that. Even I can see that.
“Where is Ozzie going after his lunch with the chief?” I ask.
May is busy with her earphones in her ear so I have to lean over and pluck one out. She looks at me all innocence, trying to cover up the fact that I’ve hurt her feelings by ignoring her emails.
I battle the urge to growl at her. “I just read your emails. Sorry about waiting. If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t read anybody else’s emails either.”
She smiles a little. “Actually, it does make me feel better.” Her smile drops off. “Does that make me a bad person?”
“Did you hear my question? Where is Ozzie going after his lunch?”
She shrugs. “I have no idea. But he told me he’d see me at the party, so I have to assume that means he won’t be here before then, because he knew I was going to be stuck in the cubicles from hell all afternoon.”
I look at the frozen video on my screen, tapping my pen as it all comes together for me: if I want to talk to Ozzie, I’m stuck with the pizza party, because this is not a conversation I want to have over the phone. Unfortunately, pizza parties could be my least favorite thing in the entire world, especially when they include the whole team and everyone’s family; it’s just too much noise and chaos for me. But if this is where I’m going to find Ozzie, then this is where I need to be.
“I guess I’ll see you at the pizza party, then.”
“Yay! I’m so happy. I’ll email Jenny right now and tell her you’re coming.”
“I’m sure she doesn’t care.”
“Well, you are wrong about that, Little Miss Grouchy Pants. Jenny and I both love it when you come to our events.”
I go back to watching my video, completely unconvinced about the truth of that statement. Wouldn’t it be nice, though, to have a group of people looking forward to me showing up?
I don’t know where that thought just came from, but it’s seriously unsettling. Yikes. Never in my life have I wanted to belong to anything other than the Bourbon Street Boys team. My fingers tremble as they ho
ver over the keyboard. I’m afraid this pregnancy is already giving me brain damage.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
I’m standing on Jenny’s front porch and I can hear the noise coming from inside her house with the door still closed. I deliberately waited until I knew the party would be in full swing before showing up, hoping that Ozzie would be happy to talk to me out back because it would be a welcome break from all the chaos.
I pause at the front door, my fingers resting on the handle for just a few moments. Butterflies slam dance in my stomach as I imagine myself telling Ozzie about my situation. Up until now, it’s been just a concept: I’m going to talk to Ozzie and get his advice. But now, moments away from the actual event, I’m picturing myself looking up at my friend and advisor and saying I’m pregnant, and I’m getting sick over the thought of his possible reaction. Maybe I should just turn around and run away. It’s a tempting thought, but I know I can’t follow through on it.
I have to tell the man I respect more than anyone else in the world that I lack the control it takes to pause in the heat of the moment and tell a guy to put a condom on. The humiliation runs deep. But there’s nothing to do about it now; what’s done is done and I just need to face up to it. I press on the handle’s button and let myself in. The door swings open and the noise hits me like a heavy woolen blanket, scratchy and suffocating.
“Toni! You made it!” May comes running over on tiptoe, a slice of pizza in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. “I’m so happy to see you.” She envelopes me in a hug made with her elbows.
I glance first to my left, and find myself looking into a glass of wine dipping precariously toward my head, and then to my right, where a slice of pizza is about to jab me in the eye. I stiffen and wait for the one-sided love-fest to be over.
She backs away and looks at me, smiling.
“You have pepperoni in your teeth.” I blink at her, waiting for her to react.
“Really? Where?” She smiles harder.
Jenny comes over and nudges her sister to the side. “Hi, Toni. Good to see you. It’s been a while.” She pulls me into a hug, this one without wine or food joining in.
I reach one hand around her ribs and pat her on the back. “Thanks for inviting me.”
May is busy sucking pizza out of her teeth as Jenny leans back and smiles at me. “I hear you want to talk to Ozzie. He’s out back with Lucky and Thibault. Can I get you a glass of wine or a beer?”
I press my lips together and shake my head. Every horrible thought I can possibly come up with is rushing through my brain all at once. What are they doing out there? Are they talking about me? Are they making a plan to keep me out of the business? Are they kicking me off the team? Are they going to lock me up in my house and make me drink non-caffeinated beverages and eat fresh fruits and vegetables until I’m ready to explode? I’m anxious to get back there with Ozzie, but I don’t want Jenny or her sister to know it.
I shrug. “I’ll just have some water if that’s okay.”
Jenny gives me a funny look. “Water? Okaaay. Water it is.” She turns away and walks to the kitchen, grabbing her sister’s sleeve as she goes. May looks like she’s trying to decide whether to follow her sister or to continue to interrogate me, but when Jenny calls out to her, the conflict ends. May turns on her heel and walks down the hall behind her sister, taking another bite of her pizza as she goes.
I look to my left once the two of them are farther down the hallway and see Dev sitting on the floor with a whole pile of kids. Sammy is in his lap and his son’s wheelchair is next to Sammy. Sammy is resting his hand on Jacob’s foot while Dev’s son is leaning over to walk an action figure over the top of Sammy’s head. Sammy is smiling at the offense.
Crazy kids. I have the strangest urge to reach down and rest my hand on my lower stomach, but I resist. This pregnancy might not even last. One of the books that Lucky left in my house says that over thirty percent of first-time pregnancies end in early miscarriage. Maybe my mistake will fix itself without any help from me. I suddenly feel like crying.
“Hey, Toni,” Dev says, looking at me funny.
All the kids look up at his comment and catch me in the hallway. My heart constricts at all those innocent eyes staring me down. I feel like they can see right through me, into my soul. I fear they’ll find blackness there, and I don’t want it to rub off on them. It reminds me what a horrible mother I’m going to be. Maybe I should think about adoption.
“Miss Toni,” exclaims Sammy. “You came to the pizza party.” He jumps up from Dev’s lap and runs over to me with his hand out.
I’ve met the kid, like, a hundred times already, but he always greets me with a handshake. If my baby turns out like him, maybe it won’t be so bad.
I bend over and hold my hand out, taking his little fingers in mine. “Hello, Sammy. How’ve you been?”
“I’ve been really good. Did you notice anything different about me?” He sways a little on his feet with his hands on his butt, looking especially cute.
I rest my hands on my thighs, still bent over, examining him closely. “Did you grow a new freckle on your nose?” I point at his face. “I think I see a new one there.”
He shakes his head. “No. That’s not it. Try again.”
I take a moment to examine him for real this time, but the kid looks exactly the same to me. I don’t get these games that they play. I shrug. “Sorry, bud, but I don’t see anything different about you.”
Sammy nods. “Very good, Miss Toni. You are very observant. But the difference you will see in me is not with your eyes.” He’s talking so funny, I almost missed it. But then I realize Sammy’s giving me the biggest hint he possibly can without actually giving away his secret. All the other kids are completely silent, waiting with bated breath to see if I’ll figure it out.
I don’t know why a warm glow spreads through me when I look into his eyes and wink. “Maybe I hear something a little different about you . . . ?”
Sammy jumps up and down, clapping his hands, reminding me eerily of his Auntie May. “You got it! You got it! I’ve been going to speech thhhherapy.”
“I noticed. You talk differently now.”
He puts his little hands on his hips and nods once. “Yes, I do. Thank you for noticing. It’s very hard work, but Miss Tansey tells me that if I keep trying and if I’m nice to myself and don’t get too mad when I mess up, I’m going to go far.”
I stand up straighter and nod, patting him on the head. “I’m sure she’s right.”
I glance over and catch Dev giving me a thumbs-up. His son mimics the gesture. I wave to them and continue down the hall. “I have to go talk to Ozzie. I’ll see you guys later.”
The entire room responds in a loud chorus. “See you later, Miss Toni!”
I have to rub my chest by my heart to ease the cramp out of it. I am so conflicted right now. I don’t like kids and they don’t like me, but these little guys aren’t so bad. Is it possible my kid won’t be so bad? Is it possible he won’t hate me? I don’t even want to think about it.
Taking things in steps feels like a good idea. I think I just need to do everything one step at a time, one day at a time. Kind of like handling alcoholism. The analogy doesn’t seem so far off to me. After everything happened with Charlie, I realized that I’m addicted to darkness, but having a child is the opposite of that. I never would’ve chosen this for myself, but it has been chosen for me, or it has been chosen as a result of my irresponsibility and lack of forethought. Either way, I know that there’s no room in my life for both darkness and light. One of them is going to have to win out, and I pray it will be the latter; but if my history holds, it will be the former.
What will that mean for my child? The inevitable answer pops into my head, making me want to cry. But maybe it wouldn’t be so awful if my child grew up in a single-parent home with Lucky in charge. Maybe they’d both be better off without me. The whole idea makes me sadder than sad. When I walk out onto the porch and the thre
e men standing there immediately stop talking, the feeling only grows.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Thibault, Ozzie, and Lucky move apart as I approach. I feel as though I’ve broken up a very private conversation, and it pisses me off. Lucky is not one of my bosses; there is no reason for him to be in on a private conversation with Ozzie and Thibault without me present, unless of course they’re talking about me and they don’t want me to know what they’re saying.
I walk up and fill the space they’ve left for me, nodding at Thibault and Ozzie, but ignoring Lucky. I can’t even look at him right now. I don’t trust my emotions not to run away on me.
“Hey,” Ozzie says.
“Hey.” I glance at Thibault and he nods at me.
“What’s up?” Ozzie’s expression shows only curiosity. It gives me hope that these guys haven’t been standing here talking about me.
“Can I talk to you for a sec? Privately?”
Ozzie shrugs. “Sure.” He looks at the guys. “Could you give us a minute?”
Thibault says, “Sure.”
Lucky shakes his head. “I’d like to stay.” He folds his arms over his chest.
I turn on him. “You’re not invited to the conversation.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but Ozzie steps in, his hand up almost in Lucky’s face. “I don’t want to hear it. Toni has asked for a private meeting and she’s gonna get it.”
For a moment there’s a blaze of defiance in Lucky’s eyes, but then he looks away and backs off. “I’ll be inside.”
Thibault moves toward the back door and pushes Lucky on the shoulder, keeping him in front of him. Lucky jerks his back away, his anger showing in his body language.
I watch him go with a scowl. How dare he think he can decide who I talk to and what I say? He is totally off the range, and I’m definitely going to make sure Ozzie knows that I don’t appreciate it.
I wait until they’re inside the house with the door shut before I turn back to my boss. “Well. So. How’d you like that drama?”
