His head shook. “What I have become—I am not the man he raised me to be—expected me to be. He was hard, complicated, but he believed in the good—in the honor in everyone.”
Garek turned to Lily, his eyes solemn. “In prison, when I started to lose faith—to blame you—when my hope, my love started to turn to hatred. He would have told me I was stupid. To rein in my anger and believe in you. Instead, when I learned he had died, I knew in that moment what I had done—chosen a fickle woman over my uncle.”
A small gasp escaped from her lips. “You delayed going back to London because of me? Because I needed you?”
“It was my choice, Lily. I chose to stay at Weadly Hall, to stay with you and delay my responsibilities. I thought I had time…I convinced myself I had time. ”
“But why did you go back to London when you knew you would be arrested? The debts could have been erased from afar.”
“It was time. I did not have you, and while I knew I could have sent the money and disappeared, I was not about to run from something I knew I had not done. It was time to face my failures. All of them. Face what my uncle suffered because of me.”
His eyes dropped to the ground between them. “And then when I got out of Newgate—that day on the street I saw you hanging out of the carriage. That was the moment when I embraced my hatred. Idiocy that it was.”
Lily’s hands clasped around her gloves, wringing them. “I still do not remember that, Garek. But I would have never, in my right mind—”
“I do not need you to remember, Lily.” His head did not lift, but his eyes came up to her. “Everything I thought of you during that time was based on a lie—you were never the fickle one. And I never should have believed you were.”
She took a deep breath, steadying herself. “No. You should not have.”
A sad smile, and he nodded. “I did not tell you before—I was walking out of the cemetery that day in London, right before your carriage rolled by. It was the first time I had visited his grave. The first time I could talk to him. And he was in the ground.”
“Garek—”
“I just need you to understand, Lils, how everything twisted bad in that moment on the street. When it should have twisted good—twisted into forgiveness. If my uncle had survived, he would have reminded me in that moment that everyone struggles with demons—that some are shown to the world, some are not. He would have been so disappointed. He would not have hidden that from me. He never did. He always expected me to be more.”
“I know he meant the world to you, Garek.” Lily wanted to rush forward, touch him, share the burden of his pain.
But she couldn’t.
Not when she didn’t understand. All of it—everything—could have been avoided if he had just told her long ago about his uncle.
With her dowry, she would have had the means, with or without Brianna’s support, to get his uncle out of prison. She could have paid the debt and they could have left the country before he was arrested.
If only he had told her.
Her eyes dropped for a long second as she took a deep breath. If only.
She looked to him. “You were ashamed, Garek? Ashamed to tell me?” Her voice softly shaking, Lily took one more step toward him, her hands dropping into the skirts at her sides. “There is no shame in any of this—not between us. That is what you said. Exactly. I have held onto those words for so very long.”
She exhaled, her eyes closing. “But I was the only one that truly believed them, wasn’t I?”
“I was not a man, Lily. Not a man that deserved you.”
“No. You were.” Her eyes flew open. “You were the man I deserved—there was never another higher, never another I could love more. And I was yours. All of me.” A single tear slipped down her cheek, and she slapped it away.
She would not cry. Not now. Not again over this very thing she had already spent an ocean’s worth of tears for.
Her jaw thrust forward, her words quivering. “It does not matter if you were ashamed, Garek—you were too damn proud. You could have told me a year and a half ago, and I could have helped. Or you could have come to me in London and told me why you left, and I would have forgiven you in an instant. For what was your choice but an honorable one—to save him? Did you think I would not understand that? That I am too simple—too jaded—too selfish?”
“Lily, no, none of those things.”
“Yet still, you did not trust me enough to tell me. Your pride, how you thought I would react—it does not matter. Instead of telling me, trusting me, you become a man bent on vengeance. On making me hurt.” She took a long step backward, distancing herself from his space. “But you did not even know me enough to understand…”
“Understand what, Lily?”
Another tear slipped and she swatted it away. “That you could never harm me more than when you abandoned me.”
“What are you saying, Lily?” He asked the words softly, cautious.
“Me?” She looked up to the dark outlines of the treetops, rubbing her forehead. “I do not know. I do not know what I am saying. What I am doing. When you appeared at Notlund—there was no question in my mind—it was you I chose. Regardless of how mad I was, how hurt, how I did not want to want you. But I did. It has always been you. But then…”
“I ruined it.”
Her eyes dropped to him as her fingers moved up, digging into her hairline. “I want you, Garek. I want to forgive everything, but I do not know that I can ever trust you. Is that what you want to hear? That I will never trust you?” Her fingers dropped from her head, her voice defeated. “At least it is honest. At least I am telling you instead of leaving you without a word.”
“I will fight, Lily.” He took a long step to her, closing the space between them. “I will fight if there is something here to fight for. I will fight to the end. Just tell me there is something, Lily.”
Lips cracking open, she drew in a deep breath. Her eyes closed as she let out a long exhale. It took an aching moment for her to open her eyes to him. “I do not know…”
“Lils—”
“I am tired…so tired.” She shook her head, her eyes closing against the welling tears. “Save your fight, Garek.”
She turned from him, her head sinking, and started to the front door of the inn.
{ Chapter 19 • Marquess of Fortune }
Three steps, and the sudden arm across Lily’s chest stopped her, her feet almost flying out from under her.
Garek spun her around, his large hands gripping her shoulders.
“I do not accept that, Lily. And I sure as hell will not save my fight.” He leaned in, his voice fierce. “This is when I fight for you. Here. This spot. On this land. This moment.”
“Garek—”
“No. It is now, Lily. You have lost your will and I am the reason for that. I accept it. And if you are not going to fight for us, I accept that as well. It is my responsibility to bear.”
A small step, and the front of his hard body brushed hers. He leaned down, his mouth hovering above her lips, his hazel eyes burning like she had never seen them. “But make no mistake, Lils, if you will not fight, I will fight for both of us.”
Her breath lodged in her throat as his mouth moved even closer to hers.
“And you need to not only hear it, Lils, you need to feel it.”
His lips met hers before her breath caught, taking control of her mouth, of her senses. His grasp on her shoulders tightened, not letting her move from him. Not that she could.
He edged up slightly, breaking the kiss even as his lips brushed hers with every word. “You cannot trust me?”
He held in place, waiting for a response, his breath mingling with hers.
She exhaled, her lips sweeping his as she gave the slightest shake of her head. “I do not know, Garek. You had all of my trust once, but now…it is gone and I do not know how to revive it.”
He nodded, his hands moving up from her shoulders to capture her face. Warm palms on her cheeks
, his fingers curled into her hair. “I cannot conjure trust for you to feel, Lily, but I can vow to spend every minute from here, till death, proving to you that you can.”
He shifted closer to her, lining himself so she had to feel his body on hers from his chest to his thighs.
Lily half gasped at the touch, fire instant in her core.
Moving from her face, Garek’s left hand dropped, trailing along her shoulder, down her side, until he slipped it around her waist, pressing her body into his. His mouth left her lips, and the stubble along his jaw slid along her cheek, roughing her skin.
His warm breath tickled her right ear with his gravelly whisper. “Feel me, Lily. Feel how much my body craves you. Every minute since I left you. Every minute in prison. Every minute since then. Even when I hated you, my body ached for yours. I could not even stomach the thought of touching another.”
Her eyes slid shut, resistance waning. “Yes. But our bodies have never disappointed us, Garek.”
“You are afraid I will disappear again, leave you?”
She held still—silent—her mind railing against the very thought. If she never let him into her heart, her soul again, then he could not hurt her again. It was the safe—the sane thing to do. Resist.
“Admit to it, Lils. You are afraid.” His fingers trailed up her spine and back down, teasing the bumps along her back, sending her skin to tingle. “I am not going anywhere until we resolve this, Lily. Not a step. And neither are you.” He pulled back, searching her face. “Are you afraid, Lily?”
“Yes—yes, I am.” Her shoulders leaned back as her hips pressed into him—her own body unable to either accept or deny him. “I cannot suffer the loss of you again, Garek.”
“You have to let it go, Lils. You cannot worry on what the next day brings.”
He met her eyes as his hand that was still on her face moved inward, his thumb tracing her lower lip. “Know this now—I will never leave you again of my own free will. Never leave your presence without a word, without telling you I love you. But I cannot make you believe my words, Lils—you are the one that has to take the chance—has to trust in the possibility of me again. Trust that giving over to the moment, the lifetime with me, the memories to be made, will all be worth taking this chance.”
Her hand came up, gripping his elbow, holding it to steady herself. “Garek…”
Lily’s voice left her as she looked into his eyes, searching for the honesty in his soul. If he was lying again, lying about wanting her—she knew it would destroy the last of her hope, any remaining ability she had to ever love another again.
“Do you feel safe, Lils?”
“I do not want to surrender to it, Garek.” Her words came out in the merest whisper.
“You are on the wrong side of the war, Lils. Stop fighting it. Choose to fight for us. Us.” His voice dropped, raw. “In my arms, Lils, do you feel safe?”
“Do you know what you can do to me, Garek—how you can destroy everything I am?”
“I do.” Not a second passed before his reply. “And I refuse to shy from that responsibility, Lily. I am strong enough—in who I am, in what I am capable of—to never disappoint you again. And you are strong enough to love me again. To trust me wholly and completely.”
His left hand came up, cradling her face, insistent. “Do you feel safe, Lils?”
It welled from deep within, the sudden and complete disregard of caution, the crushing need just to be his. To be his no matter the consequences, no matter the future.
She was strong enough.
Opening her mouth, the one word took her breath with it. “Yes.”
He smiled, the gravity of her answer sending a ripple through his body. A ripple she could feel in his chest, down his torso, along his arms.
He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing. Just breathing.
When his eyes opened, raw heat, guttural, had consumed his look.
“Tell me that is a yes to everything, Lils.” His grip along her jawline tightened. “Tell me that. Because if you need time, I will give you all—”
“I need no time, Garek. It is a yes—to everything. Everything in this moment.”
His eyes went to the dark sky above as he shook his head. Whatever he was about to say, he didn’t want to say it. “We can wait until Coldstream, Lily. Until you are properly my wife.”
Lily almost laughed at the resistance she could feel straining through his body, through his fingers on her face. “Would you like to wait?”
His look dropped down to her. “No. Hell, no. I want to rip your clothes to shreds. I want to have you on a proper bed. I want to have you on a proper wall. A proper floor. A proper chair. A proper windowsill.”
She laughed. “Then why are we still standing here? Did you not get a bed up above?” Lily pointed over her shoulder to the upper floors of the coaching inn.
“Minx.” Garek chuckled as his arms flew around her, lifting her just as his feet started moving toward the side door. The low rumble still vibrated in his chest as his lips came down on hers, ravaging her mouth, tasting her, his tongue exploring the depths. Her legs came up, wrapping around him, not caring in the slightest she would look the harlot were anyone to see them.
Before Lily could take a breath from the kiss, Garek was walking up narrow stairs, her backside bumping against the rough wood of the wall. She curled into him, making herself small against his mass, her fingers curling into his hair, pressing his head down to make sure he didn’t even ponder pulling from her lips.
His footsteps fast and heavy down the hall, Garek opened the door without breaking the kiss, only to be rewarded with a high-pitched scream.
He yanked his face from Lily, looking over her head. “My apologies,” he said, grasping the door and quickly shutting it.
Lily hid her head on his chest.
“The man said right, not left.” Garek went to the opposite side of the hallway, still carrying Lily. A quick knock went unanswered, and he kicked open the door. “No time for mortification, Lils. This room is empty. As is the bed.”
The door closed and Lily pulled her face free from his chest, finding his neck with her lips, tasting the saltiness of his skin. The dark stubble roughed her skin raw, but she took no mind, working her way up along Garek’s jawline.
A growl rumbled from his lips, and he dropped one of his hands from her back. “Stand, Lils.”
Her legs slid down from his body without question, her boots finding wobbly balance on the wood planks of the floor.
“I know I said I wanted to rip your clothes to shreds, Lils, but I am not about to let the opportunity to disrobe you properly pass me by.”
His hands moved to the front line of her riding jacket, flipping the gold buttons free from their restraints. “To see your body bared inch by inch, to watch your skin react to my touch.”
Lily stilled, staring at the low fire in the small hearth as he walked around her, stripping her plum-colored jacket off her shoulders and down her arms.
From behind, his fingers slid along her neck, moving downward to slip beneath the front of her white linen shirt. Five thin ribbons held it closed, and each one of them his fingers gently tugged at, freeing her skin to the air. He gathered the fabric, pulling it up and over her head.
He stayed behind her, his lips, his teeth running along the lines of her neck. Lily’s head dropped to the side, her eyes closing as she let him have full rein on her body.
His mouth did not leave her skin, yet she could feel him moving behind her, hear his clothes fluttering to the ground. Heard his boots clunk onto the wood.
When his hands slipped around her ribcage, moving up between her breasts to unlace her short stays, she looked down to find his arms were now bare, the smattering of short black hair darkening his arm.
Her breath drew in, shaking, at the sight.
Garek bared to her.
His hands baring her to him.
Short stays loosened, he wrapped the straps of her chemise around his foref
ingers, sliding the fabric down her arms.
In a blink, the last of her clothing, save for her boots and stockings, were a puddle on the floor.
Slowly, inch by inch, Garek pressed the full height of his body into her bare backside, from his legs to his chest that curved around the back of her head. Skin meeting skin, his hardness, the pulsating length of him, pressed insistently into the small of her back.
Her head turned as she looked up to him, and his fingers dug into her hair, setting free the captured strands from the singular braid trailing down her back.
“You are naked.”
He chuckled. “I am.”
“It is different.” She swayed her hips, feeling his skin rub back and forth against hers. “And wondrous.”
“And maddening.” His hands went down, wrapping around her hips, stilling the motion. “You continue to do that, and I will learn nothing about your body, Lils.”
“What do you want to learn about my body?”
“Everything.” He smiled, rounding her as one hand trailed across her lower back, and then his fingers slipped down past her backside and between her legs.
She gasped, nearly losing her balance. At the touch, or at the sight of Garek naked in front of her—she wasn’t positive which.
She grabbed his upper arm for balance, her eyes travelling down his chest, the muscles lining his stomach, the dark hair starting below his navel. His shaft. Long and beautiful and straining upward, touching his abdomen.
Heaven forgive her, she wanted him in her.
He smiled as he stopped in front of her, dragging his arm behind her upward, his fingers invading her folds.
Lily curled forward, her nails digging into his arm.
“You know it is my nature to study. To see what happens—cause and effect. And I want to learn what pleasures you the most, Lils. What makes you gasp. What makes you beg.”
“Is it too early to beg?”
Garek laughed, dropping to his knees in front of her.
“These I know about.” He set his mouth right in front of her breasts, taking one nipple between his teeth, sucking to tautness, and then the other. His head angled back, a smile on his lips at her reaction. “These I know make you strain.”
Lord of Fates: A Complete Historical Regency Romance Series (3-Book Box Set) Page 74
