by Jen Talty
“Erik?” Dixie stared at him with her big green eyes. “The guy who did my interview? That’s the man you were in love with?”
Zane blinked. “How do you know I was in love with a man?”
“Not important. You should have told me.”
“I know. I planned on it before we got interrupted by my mom’s phone call to come here,” Zane said, letting out a long breath. He rubbed his hands up and down Dixie’s arms. “Besides, he’s married. And I’m not in love with him. I love you.”
“I know that.” Dixie shook her head. “I don’t care that you were with a man. Or that you loved him in the past. You should know me better than that. My issue is that you cheated on her.” She pointed toward Rebecca. “That’s not cool.”
He let his gaze drop to his feet. No matter how many times he’d defended himself, it always came down to the story Rebecca told. And not the truth. “It’s not exactly as it seems.”
Dixie poked him in the chest. “You better not ever cheat on me.”
“I don’t plan on it.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Rebecca said under her breath. “You two deserve each other.” She turned but quickly snapped her focus back to Dixie. “You look familiar, “Rebecca said. “I’ve seen you somewhere before.”
“I doubt it.” Dixie curled her fingers around Zane’s biceps. “I need to use the little girls’ room.”
“Holy shit. You’re the chick who writes the Create the Dew blog.” Rebecca shook her head. “Un-fucking-believable.”
“I’m not following,” Zane said. “What’s Create the Dew?”
“No way. You don’t know?” Rebecca asked. “Oh, Dixie. Big mistake.”
“Just like Erik wasn’t your story to tell, neither is this,” Dixie said.
“Yeah, but Zane doesn’t like his sex life being plastered on the ‘net for the entire world to read about, and that’s exactly what you’re doing on your blog. You might not have used his name like I did, but once people see you with him, well, they’ll know about your sexual exploits. Like hand jobs in public places, or multiple orgasms.” Rebecca smiled triumphantly. “I think my work here is done.” She turned on her heel and practically skipped down the hallway.
Zane’s heart lurched and rose to the back of his throat. He took a step back. “What is she talking about?”
“Something I archived this morning. The thing I was going to tell you about before we found out about—”
“So it’s true? You wrote about us having sex and published it on the internet?”
“I took down the two explicit—”
“I don’t want to hear it.” He raised his hands. “I can’t believe you did that to me. To us. To what we had together. Is that all I was to you? Fodder for an article? Is that why you came to the club in the first place?”
“Will you let me explain?”
“No.” He shook his head. “You know how I feel about having my trust betrayed.”
“Are you kidding me? You’re going to lecture me about trust? You do realize that your story doesn’t jibe.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You told me that you broke up because she betrayed your trust. When in reality, you cheated on her with your ex-boyfriend.”
Zane’s jaw dropped open.
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
“Rebecca plastered what she thought was my indiscretion all over Page Six. She nearly ruined Erik’s relationship with his now-husband. She didn’t understand that for Erik and me, that last night was our way of saying good-bye to each other. And she has no idea what she really saw. What Rebecca did was make a man feel ugly for being gay.”
“Because you didn’t inform her of your need to be with Erik and have one last bang before he tied the knot with someone else.”
“That’s not what happened. You’re missing what I’m saying,” Zane said. “And I didn’t love Rebecca.”
Dixie tilted her head. “Do you hear yourself? You can be mad at her all you want for breaking your trust about your sexuality.”
“It wasn’t about me. She hurt Erik and his husband. And their families. She didn’t just put out that she thought she caught us in bed together. It went way deeper than that. If you read the article, you’ll understand.”
“If you’d let me explain my blog, or better yet, read it, you might understand why I did that.” Dixie dug into her purse and pulled out her cell. “I’ll send you everything I wrote and the most recent post. I’ll dig up the article on Page Six.” She swiped at the tear that ran down her cheek. “I’ll call a Lyft. Congratulations on being an uncle.”
He stood there and watched Dixie walk out of the waiting room.
And out of his life.
Perhaps it was for the best.
Fuck.
His phone vibrated. He stared at a text from Dixie with a link.
To her blog.
He fell back onto one of the metal chairs and tapped the screen. His heart dropped to the pit of his stomach like a cement brick. He loved Dixie. No matter what she’d done, he still loved her.
The question was, could he get past it?
And if he could, would it even matter?
As you can see, I’ve taken down the posts regarding my sexual relationship. I probably shouldn’t even post this, but I promised you, my readers, transparency.
I never told my boyfriend about this blog.
Big mistake.
Huge.
I will be rectifying that today. Tomorrow, when I post, it’s possible I could be single, though I’m hopeful that won’t be the case. My boyfriend is an amazing man. He’s accepted me for exactly who I am, despite my insecurities. In spite of the old tapes that play in my mind that tell me I’m not good enough. Or pretty enough.
Especially the ones that tell me I’m not skinny enough.
Jesus. He hated her mother for putting that into her head. For making her feel as though no man would appreciate her for the loving human being she was, and making her think that all men cared about was a flat stomach.
Which was totally overrated anyway.
My boyfriend has shown me that my size doesn’t define me. However, my perception of my size does. And even as I write this, my perception is still skewed. Something I’m constantly working on. But more importantly, he’s shown me unconditional love and how I’m deserving of it.
Working as a relationship counselor, I constantly tell my patients to be open and honest with each other. To take risks with their feelings because it’s the only way to work through issues.
As I’ve told you before, it’s always easier to advise than to follow advice through in your own life. And for a long time, I wasn’t involved in a serious relationship. And when I was, it was with a married man. That’s the kind of relationship that will keep any woman in a negative cycle.
I want to be in a healthy, positive partnership, but the only way to do that is to take risks. I thought I was doing that when I first stopped hiding my true identity and then started sharing my intimate thoughts and experiences.
And while it did help me, it’s not helping my relationship and only serves to break trust, something I know is very important to my boyfriend.
I will continue writing blog posts regarding sexuality and relationships, but it won’t be using my own experiences. It’s not fair to those I care about. Of course, tomorrow, I might not have a boyfriend to care about. But that’s a risk I have to take. Because if I’m not honest, then I’m not the person he deserves.
Zane held his cell against his chest and stared at the ceiling. He’d experienced her thirst to understand her sexuality firsthand and knew how her weight and her perception of her body held her back. He’d also learned a lot about himself through their shared encounters.
Mostly, he’d fallen in love with the most amazing woman he’d ever met.
“There you are,” Alister said as he plopped down on the chair adjacent to Zane’s. “I just ran into Rebecca. I can’t believe she’
s here. Gayle asked her to leave out of respect for our family. Hopefully, you won’t run into her.”
“Too late,” Zane said. “And she caused a bit of a scene with Dixie.”
“Shit. Where is Dixie?”
“I fucked up, Alister. I fucked up good this time.”
Chapter 10
“Thanks for coming.” Dixie pulled open the door and let in the tall, dark, and handsome bouncer she’d met at Club Temptation.
“I wasn’t going to,” Erik said.
“What changed your mind?” Dixie waved him into her family room where he took a seat on the sofa.
“Honestly? Seeing Zane mope around the club these past few days.”
It had been three days since she’d last seen Zane.
He hadn’t texted.
Or called.
That spoke volumes.
After reading the article that Rebecca had submitted to Page Six, Dixie understood why Zane would be pissed. Rebecca had made Zane out to be a home-wrecker—which he wasn’t.
She’d painted Zane as a sexual predator. A man who exploited both men and women.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
She’d also planted lie after lie about him and his family.
And a few about Erik.
Dixie was amazed that Zane hadn’t sued her for slander or something.
Page Six actually wrote a retraction to the article, but it didn’t matter. The damage had been done, and the world felt sorry for Rebecca.
“I haven’t heard from him since Lilly was born,” she admitted.
“Zane can be his own worst enemy sometimes.” Erik fiddled with his wedding ring, a habit she’d noticed the first night she met him. “He’s a proud man who doesn’t like his privacy stripped from him.”
“I noticed. And I shouldn’t have used our sex life as blog material.”
“You didn’t know the two of you would fall in love with each other.”
She let out a short laugh. “This is true. But still. Before I wrote the second blog post, he’d told me that some girl had betrayed his trust. He just hadn’t given me the details.”
“He’s still trying to protect me.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Enlighten me,” she said.
“My family didn’t know I was gay. The article in Page Six outed me. My family hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“I’m so sorry.”
He shrugged. “They needed to know the truth about me, but Zane has always felt responsible for causing my family to cut all ties with me. But it’s not his fault. It’s theirs. Now, what do you really want to know?”
“Did Rebecca catch you and Zane having sex? Because after thinking about what Zane said to me the other day, reading the article, and talking with some people, I don’t believe she caught the two of you fucking.”
Erik smiled. “Zane was right about you being smart.”
“If you weren’t having sex, then why did both of you let her perpetuate the story?”
“Once the story broke, my husband—then-boyfriend—had to answer a lot of questions from his family. While they all knew about his gayness, they didn’t know about me. They thought he was still with someone else. Someone they loved and never wanted to see him break up with. So that came as a shock.”
“Jesus. I’m sorry. This sounds like a shitshow,” she said. “Did the other guy—?”
“Oh. They were long broken up.” Erik held up his hand. “But between his family and mine, we realized all the secrets and lies were only killing us. In a way, Rebecca did us all a favor. But Zane still can’t see it that way.”
“Why not?”
Erik tapped the center of his chest. “Her intentions weren’t pure. She had malice in her heart. All Rebecca wanted to do was hurt everyone involved, and Zane took that personally.” Erik leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “He’d be pissed at me for being here. And more upset for me saying this, but since he can’t get his head out of his ass, someone has to do it. Zane is one of the sweetest men I know. Some people would call him an empath. So, when people he cares about are in pain, he hurts, too. It was easier for him to take the fall than to force her to come out and tell the truth because he wanted my husband and me to be happy.”
Dixie swallowed the lump in her throat. “That does sound like Zane.”
“He printed out your blog, along with the ones you archived that you sent him. He reads them every day. All day. Your words are genuine. You write with heart and the kind of vulnerability that helps people. Not hurts them. While you might have shared a sexual experience, you did so in a way that empowers women. And men. I think Zane feels as though he’s stifled you somehow and hates himself for it. The same way he took responsibility for what happened with Rebecca.”
“You think he’s mad that I took down the blog and am writing on more clinical topics?”
“It’s not that he wants you to write about your sex life with him. But rather the way you came to understand how your perception of yourself hadn’t come full circle yet. And how you managed to embrace your sexuality in new ways.” Erik stood. “I know what it’s like to be loved by Zane. And that man loves you with every fiber of his being. He’ll come around, but do you really want to wait for him to stop sulking? Because, trust me, he can do it for weeks.” Erik bent and kissed her cheek. “I’ll see myself out.”
Tomorrow.
She’d go see Zane tomorrow.
Dixie poured herself a glass of wine and made herself a tray of cheese and crackers. It was a nice night, and she’d enjoy a quiet evening by the water.
She sucked in a deep, cleansing breath as she made her way down to the dock. She rolled up her jeans and dipped her feet into the cool water. The sun rays burned through the thick Seattle haze.
Leaning back, she gently kicked her feet, splashing.
The wood planks rattled.
She glanced over her shoulder.
Zane.
The air in her lungs flew out like a rocket racing to the moon.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
He sat down next to her and took a big swig of her wine. “I should ask you what Erik was doing here, but he already told me.”
“I see.” She stared at the ripples in the water. “Are you mad?”
“No. I understand you just wanted to hear his side of things, but you could have asked me.”
“You haven’t been talking to me,” she said.
“That’s a two-way street.”
“Good point,” she said. “I needed some time and space. Between what happened with my mother and then Rebecca, I wasn’t sure I could think rationally about anything.”
“And now?” He reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear. “What are you thinking now?”
“That we’re both slightly wounded when it comes to love, and we tried to protect ourselves but ended up hurting each other instead.”
“I’m sorry, Dixie. I overreacted when Rebecca brought up your blog. I should have at least listened to you.”
“I shouldn’t have written the posts without your permission.”
He palmed her cheek. “I don’t know about that. I’ve read and re-read them a dozen times. They’re so beautiful, and I love how you express yourself and how it helps people. I don’t want to take that from you.”
“You’re not.”
“I’m still reading your blog, and the tone has changed. I hate that.”
“I think I’m still helping my readers.”
“Maybe,” he said. “But it’s not the same. I mean, if what you felt with me, and what has happened between us since can help other couples—or women who struggle with feeling good about themselves—then I want to be a part of that.” He ran his hand through his hair. “You haven’t even asked me why I didn’t tell you about Erik.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about me being bisexual or the fa
ct that the only other person I’ve ever loved was a man. People judge you for being overweight. Well, I get the same judgments. But you’re not like that. Nor am I. And I don’t want to be the man who stops you from doing what you’re passionate about.”
“You’d really be okay if I put what happened between us in the beginning back up? The entire blog? And write more?”
“Yes, I would. I am. I only ask that, going forward, the specific details of our sex life stay private. Unless you discuss it with me and let me read it first. But the emotions… The growth. How women deal with their sexuality. Weight. Self-perceptions. All that, you need to write it. And you need to do it from the heart.” He tapped the center of her chest. “I love you, Dixie. I don’t want to be the person who prevents you from being you. I want to be the man who supports you and stands by you.”
She swiped the tear that escaped her eye. “Can I put that in my blog?”
He laughed. “Only if you tell me you still love me.”
“I might have to think about that.” She flung her arms around his body, only she did so a little too aggressively.
Splash!
The chilly water clung to her clothes. She kicked her feet and swiped her wet hair from her face. She popped up from the water and looked around.
Zane shook his head like a wet dog. “Are you okay?” He pulled her to the dock.
“Just cold and drippy.”
“You and me both.” He jumped up onto the wooden planks and offered her a hand but then yanked it back.
“Hey.”
“No help from me until I hear the words.”
“That’s a little childish, don’t you think?” She took her hand and smacked it against the surface of the water, splashing his face.
“No more than what you just did.” He wrung out some of his hair.
She smiled. “You’re a big pain in the ass. But I love you anyway. Now, help me up.” She took his hand.
And yanked.
“Oh, you’re—” He fell into the water wearing a grin. He popped back up and shook his head. “…in big trouble.”
