by Shirley Jump
Vivian took a sip of her lemonade. “I can’t imagine you ever being overwhelmed, Mrs. Barlow. You just seem so...capable of anything.”
“Smoke and mirrors, sweetie, smoke and mirrors.” Della pushed her plate to the side. “Jack was a fussy baby from the start, and I was a terribly nervous momma. My own mother was a good mother, but a little...distant. Not cold, just not warm, you know?”
Vivian nodded. She thought of Nick’s parents. If Della had become a person who embraced everyone and made mothering look easy, then maybe Vivian would be able to do the same. Someday. Someday she would be somewhere else. And someday Nick would, too. Maybe he’d be with his own family with another woman. The thought made a sharp pain sear her chest.
“Anyway, there was one day when Jack just wouldn’t stop crying. I’d gone maybe three, four days without sleep. That little booger was up all night, and both Bobby and I were exhausted. Jack was probably colicky, but I was so headstrong, I was sure I could handle this on my own, and that I didn’t need to go to the doctor. Anyway, Bobby went to work, and I was home alone with little Jack. I tried everything. Blankets, bottles, binkies, walks, singing, rocking, offering him bribes—”
Vivian laughed. “I take it those didn’t work?”
“Nothing worked. I felt like such a failure. So I decided I was going to just find someone else who could take care of Jack. I wasn’t thinking of giving him away exactly...honestly, I’m not sure what I was thinking in my sleep-deprived mind. I was so convinced I was a terrible mother. I bundled Jack up and put him in the stroller and headed downtown. I was either going to find Mary Poppins or go see Bobby and have him help me somehow. I didn’t even make it to the garage before Jack started crying so hard, I was worried he might choke. I stopped, sat down on a bench and just broke down.”
“What happened?”
“Ida Mae, of all people, happened by. She sat down beside me and told me that her Richard had been the same way. A real pain in the butt, she said. That made me laugh, but I still couldn’t stop crying.” Della smiled at the memory. “I’m sitting there, holding my crying baby, and crying just as hard as he is. Sweet Ida Mae said, here, let me, in that soft, sweet way she had. She took that screaming little boy and rewrapped his blankets around him like a burrito.”
“Swaddling.” Nick had mentioned something about that the other day when he was holding Ellie. He had clearly inherited that soft, sweet way from his grandmother. “It calms the baby, right?”
“Yep. Makes them think they’re all snug and happy in the womb again. Wouldn’t you know, my little Jack stopped crying quick as a minute, and took his bottle like nothing had ever happened.” Della pressed a hand to her heart. “Made me so happy. But then one second later, I felt like a failure all over again. I was his mom. I was supposed to know what he needed.”
“I’ve felt the same way.” The admission took a weight off Vivian’s shoulders. If this capable, kind, smart woman had felt the same way with a new baby in her life, maybe it was more common than Vivian thought? “I’m a woman—aren’t I supposed to be a natural mother?”
“I don’t know if anyone is a natural mother. It’s natural to love our kids the second they’re born, of course, but we’re also all scared to death we’re going to screw them up. Most moms get past that, and realize that all they can do is their best and pray the good Lord directs their hand and watches over their kids.”
“And some moms just keep on screwing up.” Like her own mother.
Della gave a sad, slow nod. “They do, and they sometimes hurt their kids in the process. Not by intention, I don’t believe, but like a car accident on the highway. A chain reaction. If you ask me, those moms are the ones who need the most love and understanding. They’re struggling so very hard, and they still keep falling down.”
“Like my sister. And my mother.”
“Exactly. Just before she went on her way, Ida Mae said something to me that day that I’ve never forgotten. Something that got me through mothering three very active, very boisterous boys.” Della leaned across the desk. “You can either choose to believe in yourself the way your baby does, or choose to believe the doubts that are whispering in your ear. From the day they were born, all my boys looked up at me and Bobby with love and trust. They believed we could take care of them and love them the way they deserved. It was up to us to rise to that challenge.”
Undoubtedly, Vivian had looked at her own mother that way. There were days when her mother had been good—Vivian had spotty memories of doing puzzles and making sandwiches together—but then her mother would sink back into depression and self-medicating, and those days would end. Could it be that her mother had felt the same as Vivian and Della? Like a failure? And every day she let her girls down again, she just proved her worst fears about herself?
“All your sister is hearing in her head are all those doubts,” Della went on, “all those whispers that say she’s not a good enough momma for Ellie. She’s got to choose to believe differently.” Della’s concern and soft voice made it all sound so simple and clear. “Maybe Sammie truly isn’t ready to be a parent right now and that’s why Ellie is with you. Because it wouldn’t be good for her to be a...what did you call it? Boomerang baby.”
Vivian shook her head, and tried to ignore the flicker of guilt that she’d come very close to finding another home for Ellie. Boomerang baby. Just like she’d been and Sammie, too. “I’m no good at being a mother. I don’t have the instincts for it.”
“Oh, sweetie, you do too. We all do, if we choose to open our hearts.” Della rose and picked up both plates. “Being a good mother starts with love. I’ve seen how you look at that baby. You have love in abundance. Start there. The rest will come. And give that little girl the kind of home and childhood you dreamed of having.”
Then she left the office, leaving Vivian alone with Ellie, who had started to stir. No matter what Della Barlow said—or how cleverly she tried to convince Vivian to stay by mentioning jobs and what a wonderful place Stone Gap was to live in—Vivian knew the best option, for herself and for Ellie, was to stick with what she did best.
Being an island unto themselves.
* * *
The afternoon passed in a blur of emails, files, phone calls, diaper changes, bottles and visitors. The inn was a busy place during the day, guests in and out, meals served, housework done. The dining room was transformed for the impromptu birthday party for one of the guests, and the scent of cake fresh from the oven kept tempting Vivian out of the office. She tried to avoid Nick, but she found at least a half a dozen excuses to go into the kitchen. A glass of water. A paper towel to wipe up a spill. A new bottle for Ellie.
Every time, he greeted her with a smile that made her heart flip. As if he was genuinely glad for the interruption. They chatted a little, mostly small talk, then Vivian used the work excuse to duck back into the office.
She buried herself in the pages before her, the documents she was supposed to read. But it wasn’t enough to forget Nick—
Or the big decisions that were waiting for her soon. Al had been the first to ask when she’d be back in the office full-time. “That court date is going to be here before you know it, Viv. We’re going to need all hands on deck if any of this goes south before then.”
She’d mumbled something vague, then hung up. Ellie, on her back in the playpen, was watching her hands wave back and forth. Happy, content, warm, fed. Looking up at her aunt with trust and belief. You can either choose to believe in yourself the way your baby does, or choose to believe the doubts that are whispering in your ear.
How could Vivian leave her? With the state, with a nanny, with anyone?
But how could she keep her? And do it all herself? Or manage to juggle motherhood and a busy career?
Vivian was just about to call the client with a status update when her phone rang. Sammie’s number lit up the screen. Vivian nearly dropped the phone,
fumbling to answer it. “Sammie. Where are you? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” There was the sound of passing traffic behind Sammie’s voice. “How’s Ellie?”
Was her sister on a freeway? Hitchhiking? Frustration and anger trumped Vivian’s concern in that moment, though. “She’s fine. We’ve been watching her. What were you thinking, leaving her here?”
“Who’s we?”
“Me and Nick, the chef at the inn. He’s the one who found her in the kitchen. It’s a long story. But she’s fine.” Then Vivian’s anger ebbed, and her worry for her little sister returned. For so many years, it had been the two of them against a world that was always upside down. Outside, the air held a December chill, and Vivian wondered if her sister was cold, alone, hungry. “And you, you’re okay?”
A horn blared. A beat passed. “Yes. I just...needed some time to clear my head.”
Vivian bit off the first comment about being a responsible parent that came to mind. If she kept lashing out at her sister, it would only make Sammie more distant. “Where are you? Tell me, and I’ll come get you.”
“I’m okay,” Sammie said. “I’m glad Ellie is with you. I...” Her voice caught. “I miss her so much, Viv.”
“I know you do. I know you love her.” Vivian pressed the phone tighter to her ear, as if she could transport through it to Sammie’s side. “When are you coming back?”
“Soon. I promise.” The traffic whipped by with a steady vroom-vroom sound. It had to be a highway. Vivian prayed Sammie wouldn’t be stupid enough to hitchhike.
“I’ll send you some money. Give me the address of where you’re staying.” Vivian readied a pen and dug through the pile on the desk for a blank sheet of paper.
But Sammie was already refusing. “I can’t. Not yet. I... I wasn’t ready to be a mom, and that’s why I left. I’ve been going to counseling and working, and just trying to get my act together so I can be there for Ellie. I don’t want to fail her like Mom did, you know? But I still don’t know if I’m ready.”
“You don’t get a choice in that, Sammie. You have to grow up sometime. Ellie is here and she needs a mother.”
“Who can be you until I’m ready.”
“Sammie, I have a demanding job and a life in Durham. I can’t be a mom, too.” Vivian softened her tone. She thought of Nick’s notes, of his soft, calm words that guided her through the simplest tasks with Ellie. “You can do this, I know you can.”
“I’m not like you, Viv. I work as a waitress, and I barely pay my rent. I can’t afford Ellie. And I sure can’t afford day care while I work. You...you have money and a nice apartment and I’m sure you’re so much better than I am with her. You were so good with me, Viv. A better mom than ours.”
“Sammie, Ellie loves you. I’ve seen the two of you together. You’re her mother, through and through. I’ll help you with the money. Just come back. Please?”
“Take care of her for me, will you?” Sammie’s voice broke. “I hate not being with her. But...I didn’t know what else to do.”
Damn it. Why wasn’t Sammie listening? “Come back to Stone Gap. Ellie misses you.”
Sammie’s words caught on a sob. “I swore I’d never do this to my kids. Not after Mom did it to us.”
In the space between them, a dozen memories flowed. The two girls, huddled together, sobbing, while strangers invaded their house yet again, piling their belongings into garbage bags while their mother ranted about the government. Being hungry, dirty, scared, but not wanting to leave. Not again. And then their mother, packing the rest of their things in the bags and shoving them out the door and turning her back on her daughters, a drink in her hand. Always a drink in her hand. “Then don’t, Sammie. Please don’t.”
“You make it sound so easy. It’s not, Viv. Babies need food and diapers and cribs and car seats, and all these things I can’t afford.”
“I’ll buy all that. Call it early Christmas presents. I already shipped a bunch of things to your apartment a couple days ago.” Vivian could hear the desperation in her voice, the hope that some money could smooth all these bumps for Sammie. She knew that was impractical, and a panacea for an unwieldly problem. But it was the best Vivian could offer.
There was a long moment of silence. “Do you really think I can be a good mom?”
“Yes, Sammie, I do.”
“Maybe if I can get a better job, and find a better place to live—”
“Let me help you with that. I can pay—”
“I need to do those things on my own, Viv. I appreciate it, but like you said, I have to grow up sometime. And now is the time.” Sammie sighed. “Just a few more days, okay?”
Vivian thought of the work week ahead of her. Nick was back at the inn during the days, which meant he wasn’t going to be babysitting full-time anymore. He’d forced her to take a day off, which had been a nice break, she’d give him that, but it had put her even more behind. She needed to be in the office, not working from home. Otherwise, details got missed.
She was just going to have to contact her work’s day care and find a nanny for after-hours. Go back to Durham this weekend, interview some caregivers and get a plan in place before Monday. Talk to her contractors and see if they could put a halt to the renovations and make the place livable by Monday. Staying here much longer only put her more behind at work. Maybe with the help of a nanny, she could at least leave the office at a reasonable time every day so she could spend time with her niece on a daily basis until Sammie returned.
“Yeah, sure. That’ll be fine,” Vivian said.
“Thanks, Viv. You’re the best. I knew I could count on you.”
As she hung up with her irresponsible little sister, Vivian realized she had just done the same thing she’d always done for Sammie—made escaping reality easier by taking away the pressures of real life.
Chapter Nine
Nick hadn’t been this nervous in a long time. He finished the dinner shift at the inn, with Mavis and Della practically shoving him out the door so he could go home and get ready for his date that may or may not be a real date. He’d decided to treat it as a real date, regardless. Vivian might be all wrong for him, this always-working lawyer who had no interest in a family life, but the little glimpses he’d had of another side to her intrigued Nick. And as much as he tried to repress it, he couldn’t deny that he was interested in her. Vivian had left a few minutes earlier, leaving Ellie with the two women. Della had Ellie in her arms, and was waiting for a bottle to warm.
“Don’t you worry about a thing,” Mavis said. “We are going to spoil this little girl rotten, and keep her up well past her bedtime.”
Nick chuckled and gathered up his bag. “I have no doubt you will. All right. We’ll be back by nine to pick her up.”
When he pulled in the driveway of Ida Mae’s, he did a double take. The lights were on, drenching the windows with a soft golden glow, and the soft strains of the radio could be heard when he stepped out of the pickup. Some Frank Sinatra song. Nick could see the Christmas decorations he’d put up in the days before, looking bright and festive and homey. Welcoming.
For a second, he was ten years old and running into his grandmother’s house, rushing toward the sight of warm cookies and even warmer hugs. This house, with its lilac shutters and ring of rosebushes, was home, Nick realized, more than any home he’d ever known.
He pulled out his cell and called Grady. “Hey, big brother. When are you coming down here to see your inheritance?”
“Work is crazy,” Grady said into the phone, then he gave directions to someone driving. “I’m heading into a meeting in a minute. I thought you said you were staying in the house. The electric and gas are all paid. And I’ll send a maintenance guy by every month to check on any necessary repairs.”
In other words, Grady was going to be as hands-off about his inheritance as Nick was about the box. He
wondered what that said about the two of them. “I am staying here. But the house is technically yours. Which means I think I’ll have to look for one of my own.”
“What, down there? In Stone Gap?” Grady scoffed. “I know you loved that place but the only good thing about it to me was Grandma.”
“There’s more good here than you know.” Was Nick talking about the weather? The inn? Or maybe a certain woman he was seeing tonight?
“Well, feel free to stay there as long as you like,” Grady said. “I miss you, brother.”
“Miss you too. Come down and visit sometime.”
Grady scoffed. “Chances of that are slim. Talk to you later.”
Grady hung up and Nick realized that telling his brother to come and visit sometime implied he wasn’t going anywhere. He’d thought his move to Stone Gap was temporary, but as he stood there in Ida Mae’s driveway, he realized he didn’t want to leave this place, a town that held all his best memories. The job at the inn might not be glamorous or even pay all that well, but it was a job where he felt content, where he created things that made people happy. And that was something he’d been seeking all his life. He was going to take Grady up on his offer, and stay in the house until he found one of his own.
Nick got out of the car, took the porch stairs two at a time, then walked inside. “Honey, I’m home!”
The joke echoed into an empty space. He checked the living room, then the kitchen. No Vivian. As he returned to the hallway, he heard the sound of her heels on the wooden staircase. He watched Vivian descend, giving him a slow reveal of long, long, amazing legs, a sleek black dress and sexy shoulders bared by her upswept hair.
