by Vincent Gray
consequences if I broke up with her? That was the fearful unknown. What about the painful yearnings, the painful memories which would come back to haunt me, what about the recurrent bouts of melancholy that would drain away all meaning and significance from my life without Cheryl? I was becoming increasingly overwhelmed by all kinds of conflicts. When I began contemplating unconditional forgiveness, I felt all kinds of resistances erupting in my psyche and in my bones, preventing me from going down the road of forgiveness. I felt the psychological resistances against forgiveness in the full force of my burning pride, in the power of my vanity, in the emotional pain of betrayal, in the unbearable disappointment, and in the humiliation that a stranger was fucking my girlfriend behind my back. She seemed to have so much power over me. And then there was the question: what about my self-respect? I was torn apart. Sitting close to me in the cinema I could actually feel her deep remorse and sorrow, and I wanted to believe that it was genuine. But then my heart hardened. I could not bring myself to forgive her, and I realized I could not forgive Cheryl for her betrayal without divine help, without divine intervention. I could not do it by myself. I needed help. If God told me right then at that moment: Forgive her! Embrace her and take her back! I would have, there was no doubt about that, in fact it would have been relief. I prayed while we sat in the cinema and I said to God that I did not have the moral strength or the moral courage or the heart to forgive her, even knowing that if I don’t forgive her, both of us were going to suffer. And then the little voice whispered in my ear: What about your self-respect, don’t you have any self-respect, the German was fucking your girlfriend, she did this behind your back, and she will do it again. Don’t you have any self-respect? What kind of a man are you? Are you so weak? The German was fucking your girlfriend.
In my heart I knew at this moment of profound crisis that deep down I was still a Roman Catholic. Grace, forgiveness and absolution was at the heart of Catholicism. I knew that divine forgiveness in the form of unmerited grace was also at the heart of Christianity. I knew that forgiveness was not something that could be earned; it was always a divine work of unmerited grace. I knew that in Christianity grace, forgiveness and absolution were always the divine gifts that were freely bestowed on the repentant offender, on the person who was at fault. As a Catholic my cross would be to forgive Cheryl unconditionally, but taking up that cross would also be my absolution, and taking up that cross would also be my liberation, and also taking up that cross would also be an act of kindness and true love. I realized that by taking up that cross of forgiveness I would also be participating in an act of grace which could only come from God and the burden of cross could only draw me closer to God. As a Catholic I had to be gracious, because God was always gracious towards the remorseful penitent who seeks forgiveness, no one is ever turned away from God’s grace. So how could I turn away Cheryl when she was so remorseful, contrite, penitent and broken? I had be gracious and forgive her and take her back. But I could not. I failed.
We did not speak. After the movie I dropped her off at her home. I did not feel like going home and I did not want to see Sheldon. I ended up outside the church. It was very late, but I knocked on the door of the manse, the home of our pastor which was next to the church. He opened the door dressed in his gown and pyjamas. When I saw him I started to cry. I was in a terrible emotional state, I was completely distraught, I was in so much mental agony and emotional pain, and I felt so helpless and pathetic, and above all I felt extremely confused and conflicted. I did not tell him everything. I wanted to spare Cheryl. I told the pastor that she had gone out for dinner with someone that she had met while on holiday and this guy had followed her back to Johannesburg and they were having a secret relationship behind my back. I asked the pastor what he would do if he were in my shoes. He said he would leave her. When he said that, I decided to return to the church of my baptism and confirmation. I returned to Roman Catholicism, the prodigal son had come home. If the pastor had said forgive her unconditionally and take her back, I would have. And I would have been saved. I would have found my redemption and absolution. Above all I would have found and experienced grace. I desperately wanted hear that I should forgive her unconditionally and take her back. I wanted to be commanded by a priest to forgive her unconditionally, because I could not do it by myself. I knew at that moment that I had failed myself. I knew deep down in my heart that I had failed myself and I would have to carry that burden for the rest of my life. I knew I did not want to lose Cheryl. But I needed someone to see this and tell me to go back to her. Why I could not do this by myself was a mystery. It was clearly evident to myself that I had a deep moral flaw in my character. The little voice that kept on whispering: ‘what about you self-respect’ had won the day.
I never went back to the church and I never contacted Cheryl again. Sheldon and I drifted apart. We hardly ever saw each and we went on with our lives on separate paths that diverged further and further apart with time. Cape Town and UCT became a second home for me for a time. I did my PhD at UCT and I had a number of short term lecturing contracts at UCT’s Departments of English and Philosophy.
The irony of everything was that all the stuff that was flowing through my mind as I sat in darkness of the movie theatre with the meaningless frames of China Town rolling over the screen and with Cheryl desperately clinging to me and grasping my hand tightly came true. Within two days I regretted my decision to leave her. I was filled with regret. I was filled with the incredible pain of loss and grief. In the days, weeks, months and years that followed I experienced the recurrent pains of longing, loss, yearning, melancholy, nostalgia and forlornness. The black crows had come back to roost and haunt me.
It is also true that time is the great healer. I did eventually get over her and I did finally forgive her. I stopped thinking of her, often for very long periods of time. However at odd unexpected moments, a dream, a visual image of something, a sound, a texture, a fragrance or a taste would suddenly awaken memories of Cheryl, and when this happened the mental and emotional pain would return in the form of something like the pain of a phantom limb. Actually the pain was the emotional pain of depression. Talking about the pain of a phantom limb, I did eventually come to the realization that in my mind Cheryl had been magically metamorphosed into a fantasy and all my feelings were linked to an obsession with a fantasy that had no connection with any real person.
You can image how surprised I was when I received a wedding invitation from Sheldon. I drove back to Boksburg from Cape Town. I also wondered whether Cheryl had been invited to the wedding. I suddenly felt nervous and excited at the prospect of seeing her again. I knew I would be disappointed if she was not at the wedding. But I also had a strong feeling that it would be impossible to pick up and continue our relationship from where it had broken off. I also realized that if I saw Cheryl again I may experience disappointment with the mismatch between what had become my fantasy of her and the real existing person who was Cheryl with all her faults and flaws. I had also learnt that Sheldon had left the Pentecostal Church and had joined the Baptist Church. They were married in the Boksburg Baptist Church and the wedding reception was in the church hall. In the church I immediately spotted Cheryl, and my heart skipped beat. Sheldon had the heart to invite her. She turned her head and when she saw me she smiled radiantly and waved, and I waved back. After the wedding ceremony while the bride and bridegroom were driven to Boksburg Lake for the wedding picture taking we went and took our places in the reception hall. I sat down by an empty table and Cheryl walked over to join me. I stood up as she approached me. We kissed and hugged each other tightly. We were both emotional but we hide our feelings. We sat down and I held her hand for a long while. I asked her how she was doing. She replied: ‘I am doing fine, and how are you? It is so nice to see you again, you look so good, I hear you have been awarded your PhD, congratulations.’ I returned the compliments. She was still as beautiful as ever, yet I discerned a loneliness and forlornness in her. There was an unmistakabl
e sadness in her eyes. The real person had become completely different to the fantasy that I had of her.
After the reception I drove her back to her home. She was still living with her parents. She invited me in for coffee. No one was home. After coffee I suggested we go out for supper and maybe do something together. Having dinner together gave us a chance to speak about the past and we also spoke about our breakup, and in a real way we were able make amends and the rift was healed between us. But we both knew that we could never go back to how it was between us in the past. When I dropped her off at her home we embraced and kissed each other passionately, but we drew back from each other. Smiling in the moonlight she said: ‘I have never loved someone as much as I loved you.’ I answered: ‘I still love you.’ And she said: ‘I know.’ We both became very tearful and we clung to each other for a while. Anyway I had to go. She stood by the gate waving as I drove off. I could see her forlorn figure in my rear view mirror still waving until I turned
