“Penelope!” I cry, she’s drank the vodka straight. No mixer. “Relax, will you? We’ve got all night; besides, you’ve not told me what he’s done.” I pour myself a drink; I seem to be adding more vodka to my glass each time.
“The fucker brought the subject up again. While we were having sex!” She’s fuming, but I would be too. “It’s going to get to a stage where he’ll end up saying he wants a baby, and if I can’t give it to him then he’ll go elsewhere.” Her eyes are swimming with tears.
“Pen, did you actually sit down and tell him that you don’t want to have any more kids?” I place the bottle back and grab the bottle of coke Pen got from the takeaway.
“Yes,” she says tartly.
“Did you? Or did you tell him you’ve already had a baby and you can’t go through with it again?” I add the coke to my glass. “Pen?” I ask again as I take a sip, loving that I’m getting numb.
“I’m not sure, I think I told him that I can’t go through with it again.” She takes another gulp of her vodka and I smirk when she grimaces. “Why should I have to reiterate that I don’t want any more children? I’ve said it once already.”
“Pen, men find the word can’t a challenge. So, you telling him that you can’t go through with it again doesn’t mean you’re never having any more, it means that there’s some leeway.”
“Leeway my arse, why are men so dumb?” She shakes her head and I’m wondering if she’s talking to me or musing out loud? “I’ll have to talk to him.”
“You’re asking me why men are dumb?” I can’t even keep the sarcasm out of my voice.
She tilts her head in question. “What’s Richie done now?”
“He’s gone.” Saying those words out loud hurts, my eyes fill with tears and my nostrils flare as I try not to cry. He doesn’t deserve my tears. I bring my glass to my lips and drink, I don’t stop until the glass is empty.
“What do you mean he’s gone? Gone where?” She’s sitting up, she looks ready to go find him.
I’d laugh if I weren’t so bloody hurt by what he’s done. “He’s gone back to Ireland. I woke up this morning and the bed was empty.”
Her mouth opens in surprise, and she blinks a few times before she’s able to say anything. “He just up and left? What the hell did he say?”
I sigh and get up off of the sofa. “Here,” I say, handing her my glass, “you make us both another drink, we’re going to need it. I’ll be back in a second.” I don’t let her say anything, I walk into the kitchen and that bloody drawer is like a magnet, every time I come in here, I want to take the letter out and read it. This time I do take it out, I don’t read it though, I bring it into the sitting room and hand it to Pen.
“What’s this?” She asks disgusted, looking at it as though it’s a bomb.
“The letter that Richie left me. It’s how I found out that he was gone.”
“I’m going to wring that fucker’s neck.” She’s upset, a lot more upset than she was about Grant. She opens the letter and begins to read it.
I bury my head in my hands, unable to bear to look at her while she reads it, I don’t want to see the pity she’ll have as she realises that the man I love isn’t coming back. I’ve been sad and hurt before, but nothing compares to how I’m feeling right now. This time though I’m more equipped to handle the hurt, to hide from it and bury it. I’m giving myself this day, this night to let it consume me and then I’m hiding it.
“Is he serious?” She crumbles up the letter in her hand. “This is crap, he’s an arsehole.” I understand that she’s angry, he’s hurt me, and she loves me, but I don’t want to hear how much of an arsehole he is. He’s a coward, but I still love him. I’d give anything to have him back, and I hate myself for still wanting him.
“Nat, are you okay?” Her hand is outstretched as she passes me the letter. “Why didn’t you say something beforehand? We’ve spent the entire evening talking about crap and you’ve not said a fucking thing?” A spark of anger flashes in her eyes. She’s mad that I’ve not said anything to her before now.
“I didn’t want to say anything in front of Stef, I never told her that Richie and I have been together for that long and tonight wasn’t the night to be going into everything. I don’t want to talk about it. He’s gone, he’s left me again and there’s nothing I can do about it.” I want her to understand that she’s not the reason I never said anything.
“Why didn’t you tell me this morning when I was on the phone to you?” She pours herself another drink, her hands shaking, and it’s because of her temper.
“Because I didn’t know. I woke up and you called, I didn’t find out until I got off the phone to you and found the note in the kitchen.”
“Bastard,” she curses. “What are your plans? Are you still going to go to college?” Ah, that’s what she’s worried about.
“Yes, I’m still going to college and I’m still going to work for Margaret. I’m going to do what I’ve always wanted to do. I want to make something out of my life.” I’m not letting this set me back. I’m so close to getting out of this life and doing something that I can be proud of.
She smiles. “That’s what I want to hear. I was worried for a second.”
I roll my eyes. “There’s no need to be, I’m not going back. Thank you Pen, I’m aware that you’ve paid a lot for me to go to college.”
She smirks. “Oh yeah, and how did you come to that conclusion?”
My cheeks flush. “I may have looked it up online. I didn’t intend on searching, but I came across it.”
She shakes her head not at all surprised. “Okay, you’re going to forget about the arsehole, you’re going to do what we’ve planned. You’re going to be the best bloody hairdresser in London, no, the UK and everyone is going to want you to be their hairdresser.”
I giggle; she’s so over the top. I love that she wants the absolute best for me. “Of course you’ll be my number one client.”
“Damn straight I will be, I expect that if I need my hair done, you’ll push all other clients aside so that I can be seen.” She sips her drink, she’s smiling now.
“Making demands already? God, Pen, I’ve not even started working yet.” I’m flattered that she wants me to be her hairdresser. She’s extremely picky when it comes to her beauticians and hairdressers. She’s been using Margaret since she was married to David, so well over twenty years now.
She looks as though she wants to say something, her head’s tilted to the side in question, I sip on my drink until she’s ready to say whatever it is that’s on her mind.
“When Stef asked you about going to Katy’s birthday party you said you’d go, I saw your face Nat, you don’t want to go but I think you should. I think it would be good for you. Make some new friends.” I laugh, she’s like my mum. “What are you laughing at missy?”
I can’t help but giggle. “You’re like my mum, you want me to have some new friends.”
She shakes her head. “Yes, I’ve told you that I love you like my child. Nat, you’ve grown up on the streets without any guidance. The only people you talk to are me and Stefanie. You need to be around people your own age.”
“Pen, do you honestly believe that I’m going to make friends? I used to be a prostitute, no one is going to be jumping at the chance to befriend a prossie.” It’s what I’m dreading the most when I go to college, people finding out what I used to do.
“Natalie, you don’t need to tell anyone what you used to do. This is your fresh start. This is your new beginning. You can be anyone you want to be.”
She’s right, this is a way for me to become a new me.
“You’re a young girl who is going to college, you live with your aunt. That’s all the information that anyone needs.”
I nod. “Fresh start. This is going to be about me and getting my life where I want it.” I should have done it from the get go, I should have listened to my gut about Richie, I should have walked away that night after we talked and never looked back
. If I had, I wouldn’t be hurting right now.
“Yes, a new beginning. If anyone deserves one, you do. You’ve been through so much already Nat, it’s time for you to have something good in your life.” Her phone rings and a small smile forms on her lips. It’s obvious who’s calling her. Only one person can put that smile on her face. It’s Grant.
I stand up and walk into the kitchen leaving her to talk to Grant alone. The letter is still in my hand, the paper rough against my fingers, I just want to crumble to the floor, crumble up just as this piece of paper is. I shove it back into the drawer, I really should throw it away.
“You okay?” I hear from behind me.
I jump and spin around and come face to face with Pen who’s standing at the doorway with a worried look on her face. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Good, that was Grant. He’s on his way home, he’s hurt himself while working.” Her whole body shudders, and as she reaches for the door, I see how shaky her hand is.
My mouth drops open in shock. “Oh God, is he okay?” I rush over to her and help her sit down.
“He was after a suspect, and they got into a fight. He’s hurt his ribs.” I pull her into a hug. I can’t imagine what she must have felt when she got that phone call. She must have instantly thought the worst.
“He’s okay Pen,” I try to reassure her, but her body is still shaking.
“Yeah, he’s coming over to get me,” I hold her closer to me, glad that he’s okay. “Is that okay? You’ve been through hell today. I can tell him that I’ll see him in the morning.”
I pull away from her and give her a look that tells her not to be silly. “Don’t be stupid. I’m fine, honestly. You need to check that Grant’s okay, go home, make sure he’s fine and talk to him.” I wouldn’t keep her away from him, besides if I do need her, all I have to do is call her and she’d be here in a heartbeat.
“Thank you,” she whispers as she stands up, her arms going around me. “He doesn’t deserve you, he never did. You’re going to find someone who’s going to treat you like you truly deserve.”
“I’m not even going to think of that right now. I’m going to focus on college, that’s all I will be focused on.” The thought of finding someone else causes my stomach to flip.
Pen’s phone vibrates, and she smiles. Pain hits me in the chest, and my heart sinks. That’s Grant telling her that he’s outside, she’s going to go and I’m going to be alone. “I’ve got to go, how about we get some breakfast tomorrow?” She asks walking into the sitting room to grab her handbag.
“Only if you’re buying.” I giggle at her shocked face, I never say that, I usually insist on paying but that hardly ever works out because Pen hardly ever lets me. “Breakfast sounds perfect. Call me when you manage to pry yourself away from Grant.”
“That will be hard, but I have to let the man rest at some point.” Her wicked grin tells me way more than I need to know.
We walk out into the hall; the headlights of Grant’s car shine through the front door. “Remember if you talk to him about kids, be precise in what you’re saying. If you’re completely sure that you don’t want any more, be clear, don’t let him hold on to hope.” I want her to be happy and she’s happy with Grant, I really hope that he understands and loves her enough to stay with her.
“I will. Thank you for listening to me even though you’re hurting.” She kisses my cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Definitely. Good night, Penelope.” I open the door and look on as she walks down the stairs and into Grant’s car.
Once Grant drives off, I close the front door and as soon as I turn around and look into my empty house, everything hits me at once. My knees tremble as the tears that I’ve managed to keep at bay all day begin to fall. My legs bow beneath me and I collapse to the floor. The pain I’m in takes over my entire body. So much for it being a heartache, it’s everywhere. Bringing my knees up to my chest, I lay my head against them and sob.
My phone rings, but I don’t have the energy to get up. I leave it to ring, listening to my ringtone sound. I sob harder as the lyrics hit me. That bloody song, I loved it up until right now. Dean Lewis has an amazing voice but this song, it’s not what I want to listen to right now. His song ‘Be Alright.’ It’s like a knife through the heart, it takes my breath away. Finally, it stops, but yet I stay here, my head lays on my knees.
My sobs finally stop, I can breathe easier, but the pain is still there. I’m not sure if it will ever go, I manage to stand and drag myself into the sitting room. My phone’s sitting on the table beside the half empty glass of vodka that Penelope left. I pick up the glass and sit on the sofa. My eyes immediately go to my phone, the voicemail symbol is up. Whoever rang has left a voice message, picking up my phone my heart skips when I see who it was that rang me.
I dial my voicemail and listen to the message that was left, as I do tears stream down my face.
“Love, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t be leaving you this message. I really wanted to talk to you. God, things are so fucked up at the moment, and I can’t find any way out. You must hate me so much right now—I hate myself. If I could change things I would. I would have told you when you woke up that I had to leave. I would have begged you to come with me.” His heavy breathing is followed by sniffing. “My dad died last night. Mary-Anne called me at four this morning. I panicked, Mary got me the first flight home. I’m so sorry, baby. I wish this wasn’t happening. I’d give anything to be with you right now.” It sounds as though he’s crying.
Oh God, his dad died.
“I have to go. I’m sorry Natalie. I love you, and I want you to be happy.”
The call ends, I hit redial and call him back, I want to talk to him, tell him that he could have told me, that he should have said so. That he can still come back. Tell him how sorry I am that he’s lost his dad, the man he respected and admired more than anyone in this world.
‘The number you have dialled is not accessible at the moment.’ I hang up assaulted by confusion and doubt. Why is he doing this? I don’t understand why he can’t come back to me.
Chapter 19
Nine Weeks Later
I sit back on my hunches, God, this is the eighth day in a row that I’m throwing up first thing in the morning. I think a part of me knew before this morning why I’ve been sick, but I’ve been praying that I was wrong. Looking up at the sink, the white test that’s sitting there is mocking me with those stupid pink stripes. I can't believe how stupid I am, this isn’t the right time; two days ago, I began college, I’ve finally got my life on track, I’m finally where I’ve always wanted to be. Doing something I’ve only dreamed of. What a bloody way to start a Wednesday morning.
How am I supposed to tell Penelope? What am I supposed to tell her? I have no idea what I’m supposed to do next, where do I go from here? I get up and wash my face, my eyes immediately go to that bloody test. I can’t keep my focus off it, what am I going to do? I have no idea where the baby’s dad is and I’m not even sure if I have it in me to be a mum.
Walking into the kitchen, my phone to my ear as I wait for Penelope to answer. My hand shakes as I hear the ringing.
Pick up, please Pen, pick up. That’s all I keep thinking. I need her to answer, I need someone to talk to.
“Shouldn’t you be getting ready for college?” She’s a lot happier since her and Grant sorted things out. I’m not sure if she changed her mind or if she actually told him that she doesn’t want any more kids, my guess is the latter, she’s felt pain that no one should ever go through.
“Pen, are you busy?” My voice is as shaky as my hands.
“Not anymore, what’s wrong?” She’s instantly on edge, movement sounds in the background, she’s getting ready to leave.
“I need to talk to you. Pen, I need you.” Tears fall now, I’m so frightened, usually I’d have some sort of plan, my mind would usually race and think of my next step but right now my mind is blank, I’m frozen.
“I’ll be there sh
ortly. Natalie, are you hurt?” A revving car engine in the background tells me that’s she’s on her way.
“I’m not hurt Pen, I promise. I’ll see you soon.” I reassure her that I’m safe and okay, I hang up as the tears fall thicker and faster.
I stare at my phone wondering if I should call him or not. He deserves the truth, I’m not sure if he’ll even care, I’ve not spoken to him at all, he left, and he’s made it clear he won’t be back. I still have that stupid voice message, just like that bloody letter, I can’t bring myself to get rid of them.
My fingers automatically go to his name and I hit call, my heart sinks when I hear ‘the number you have dialled is no longer in use.’
He’s changed his number. God, how am I meant to tell him now?
I go to the drawer and pull out the letter; I’ve read it every day since he’s been gone, I’m still hoping that I can find out the reason as to why he’s not coming back. I understand that he needs to be with his family, but I thought he loved me, I thought that he cared for me. If he did then surely, he’d want to come back, each day that has passed my hope and love for him slowly fades. I read the letter once more, this time it’s as though there’s a finality to reading it. Maybe because with him changing his number it means it’s the end.
I put the kettle on boil and go to my bedroom, I quickly get dressed, Penelope will be here soon. Knowing her she’s probably speeding to get here. I hope she wasn’t at Stef’s, that would be worse than anything. I love Stef, I really do but she’s so judgemental when it comes to Richie and our relationship, although there isn’t one anymore. I don’t understand how she can judge, she should really look at her own relationship before commenting on anyone else's. When she and James got together, he was married, and it’s been hell ever since, James doesn’t stop lying to her, I honestly don’t understand how she puts up with it. She says she won’t put up with it anymore, yet he does it again, they argue, and she forgives him.
The Scars Of Life (The Working Girls Book 4) Page 16
