by Alison Mello
My throat closes up and I take a deep breath. “What happened last time, Poppy?” Reid asks between clenched teeth.
“I just wish…I want to be stronger. I-I want to be able to live without you or Rachel…just as you do without me.” Reid stands and walks toward me, but I back up.
“You’re dead wrong, Poppy. I can’t—”
“I need you to leave, Reid. Y-You need to leave me alone. I can’t—I need—I-I have to…” I shake my head, not able to speak. Reid’s eyes are wide, his mouth falling open as he desperately tries to find the words to speak.
“Poppy, please,” he whispers.
I quickly turn on my heel and walk toward the bathroom. I hear a loud bang, probably his fist hitting a table. I hear him yell, “crap!” before the bell of the door signals his exit. I shut the bathroom door and lean against it, tears streaming down my face.
Why am I so pathetic?
***
“What is going on, Poppy?” Rachel asks, walking into my apartment without knocking or calling me. I sit on my couch, Aragorn pressed warmly into my side. He lets out a warning bark before he wags his tail at the sight of our regular guest.
“What do you mean?” I ask, muting the TV to look at her. Rachel stands with her arms crossed over her chest. Her blonde hair is pulled into a high ponytail, showing off her elegant neck and slender shoulders.
“Reid called me a few hours ago, telling me you broke down. He’s worried out of his mind, Poppy. He told me about something with Gavin. What the hell happened with Gavin?” I hear the venom on her tongue as she speaks his name…
He ruined my life, and she doesn’t even know how.
No, I didn’t tell Rachel. I couldn’t. I was too ashamed.
I bow my head, shaking it. “I can’t tell you.”
“Bull. We tell each other everything.” Rachel sits beside me, gently pushing Aragorn out of the way.
Rachel grabs my hand, holding it tightly as she gives me all the support I need with the simple touch.
“You didn’t tell me Reid was joining the Army…” I trail off, biting the inside of my cheek. Rachel sighs, running her free hand over her ponytail.
“Only because I didn’t want it to be true. I felt that speaking it would make it real,” Rachel whispers.
I finally meet her gaze. “I feel the same way. I can’t tell you about Gavin. It will make it worse, Rachel.” A tear rolls down her cheek and I see her body shake.
Of course, she knows. How could she not? She knows everything about me. Just saying that I couldn’t speak of the act, she knows exactly what happened. I don’t even have to tell her.
Rachel falls forward and clings to me, sobbing into my chest. “Oh my God,” she mutters, sinking her fingers into my arms. I hold her, allowing her to cry as my chest feels heavy and my throat closes again. “I didn’t protect you…I didn’t keep you safe.” Tears roll down my cheeks as I let out a sob.
“I-It isn’t your j-job.”
“He trusted me. And I let him down. I let you down.”
Who is she talking about?
“He’ll never forgive me.”
Chapter 6
A Date
Reid
May 26, 2016
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell her,” I whisper, sitting on Rachel’s brown leather couch. She walks toward me with two cups of steaming hot coffee, giving me the black one with two sugars. I hold it in my hands, feeling the warmth spread through my body.
Rachel sips her extra cream, extra sugar coffee, leaning back into the La-Z-Boy chair, sighing.
“I just couldn’t, Reid. I didn’t want to accept the fact that you were going into the Army. Telling Poppy…it just made it real,” Rachel whispers, a frown marring her face. Taking a deep breath, I glance outside to see it lightly drizzling.
“What about Gavin? Did she say anything?” I ask.
It has been eating me alive, worrying about what happened with Gavin. She didn’t even tell Rachel…
I had approached my sister, angry that she didn’t relay the message about me going to boot camp. And then I asked her what happened senior year with this man named Gavin. She only looked at me with wide eyes, shaking her head.
Rachel didn’t have the slightest clue.
Why wouldn’t Poppy confide in her best friend, with whatever had happened? Was it really that bad? Or perhaps it wasn’t even that large of a problem, that she didn’t feel like it needed to be shared.
But she cried. She ran out of the backyard so fast, you’d think her tail was on fire.
I grind my teeth. “She didn’t say anything,” Rachel responds. I growl and bite my knuckle, just wishing I had the answers.
If that had happened when I went to college, able to return at any moment, what was going to happen when I was overseas?
In this moment, regret fills me. Regret for not being here four years ago for Poppy. Regret for enlisting and now leaving her again.
Taking a deep breath, I look over at Rachel. She is gazing down at her coffee, the frown remaining. “I never understood your uncontrollable need to protect her…I thought, perhaps it was because she was my friend…but it goes beyond that. Beyond friendship, doesn’t it?” Rachel asks.
I almost want to clap and congratulate her for figuring it out. She, apart from Poppy, is the only person to not see it. A complete stranger could make the assumption that I am in love with Poppy.
“It started as friendship…until my senior year. I was completely enthralled by her, Rachel. I wanted her…I’ll admit, at the time, it wasn’t in the most pure of ways. I thought she was beautiful and I just wanted to have her. When I went to college, everything changed. Finding Jesus and learning about what it means to truly love, I realized I didn’t just want Poppy. I want her heart. Her trust. I want her love. That’s why I never dated, Rach. I simply couldn’t. Poppy is the girl God created for me. I know it. So that’s it. That’s all there is. She has my heart. I’m just waiting for her to accept it. And I’ll wait as long as I have to.”
I haven’t been so open about my newly found faith with Rachel. I know she considers herself a Christian, but she isn’t as devoted as me. But I am not ashamed, and she wants the truth behind my feelings for Poppy.
And there it is.
God gave her to me six years ago. I just realized it, however, four years ago. He gave her to me to love, and cherish, and protect.
And so far, it seems I’m doing a lousy job with the latter.
“Wow. It all makes sense now…” Rachel whispers. I let out a soft chuckle and nod my head. Yes. It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?
I take a sip of my coffee and look down at my phone.
I had texted Poppy, apologizing for all that went down at the cafe. I didn’t mean to make her upset…I just assumed she knew. That shouldn’t have been how she found out. She deserved better.
Now, she’s scared to be alone again. My chest feels heavy as I let out a shaky breath. How can I make this up to her?
How do I make her understand that everything is going to be okay? That I’m going to come back for her? That even though I’m gone, she is going to be okay?
Rachel isn’t going to let anything happen…and I know Talen won’t either. He has become a good friend toward her. I trust Poppy in their hands.
My phone finally buzzes after a few hours.
Poppy: It’s all right, Reid. You deserve to do what you want. Please, don’t let me hold you back. I value our friendship, but I’ll let you go if I have to.
Not exactly what I wanted to hear.
No. It’s the opposite, really.
There is no letting go of anyone. She needs to understand that I am never going to truly leave her. My home is where she is, and I’ll return to her.
I’ll serve out my year in the Army, and when I’m done, I’m going to make a life for the both of us.
Reid: That is not what I want, Poppy. Please, meet me at Rachel’s. I think it’s time we spoke.
I t
ake a deep breath and look over at Rachel. It’s time I tell Poppy how I really feel. It will be in her court, to either act upon the feelings I share…whether she reciprocates them or not…
Oh, how I wish she does. I want nothing more than to have a relationship with Poppy Evans, to be able to give her my love completely. To take her out for dinners, and movies, and buy her ridiculously expensive necklaces that she will demand I return because she’s not materialistic. I want to, one day, get on my knee and propose. I want to watch her walk down the aisle for me. I want to have a family, children that will love her as much as I do.
That is what I want.
And I pray she wants the same thing.
***
Poppy comes to Rachel’s apartment after her shift. She has her long, thick brown hair twisted into a bun that is falling apart. I smile at her, seeing a smudge of mocha on her chin. She is so beautiful.
Poppy’s hazel eyes look at me with earnest. She gives Rachel a hug, accepts a ready cup of hot mint tea, and walks over to sit beside me on the couch. She watches me for a moment, holding her cup close to her body.
“I need to be honest with you, Poppy,” I whisper. Her eyes flick with apprehension and uncertainty, but she nods her head.
I glance at Rachel to see her smile softly and nod her head in encouragement…Rachel really is the strength of our group.
“Poppy, I want to take you out on a date. I want to spoil you and treasure you. I know you may be hesitant…I know you may be confused, but I want you to understand that—” I bite my bottom lip, suddenly becoming self-conscious. “Please, let me take you out, Poppy. I want to get to know you on a different level. Just a simple date to a drive-in. That’s all I ask. And we can discuss our…feelings with more conviction, in private.”
I see Rachel scowl, pouting. I ignore her, desperately pleading for Poppy to accept. It wasn’t the best invitation, but I hope she will accept.
Poppy’s eyes are again uncertain. She looks me up and down, as if silently calculating what this would entail.
“You’ll be leaving soon…” she whispers. My heart sinks at her words. I don’t exactly know when I’ll be leaving, but yes, it could be soon. I nod slowly, never taking my eyes off her. “I-I…yes. We need to figure this out—erm. Best if we settle this sooner, rather than later.”
“Yes, you’ll go on the date with me?” I ask.
Poppy nods her head and I jump up in joy, looking at the clock above Rachel’s oven. “It’s six thirty. If we leave now, we can make it.”
Poppy smiles and I hear Rachel giggle. I mentally sneer at my sister, but smile back down at Poppy.
So beautiful.
***
Poppy just finishes setting up the bed of the truck with blankets and pillows when I return with a large tub of popcorn and two containers of nachos and cheese. She looks at me with wide eyes before she smirks and helps me.
“Is someone joining us?” she asks. I arch an eyebrow.
Did I not explain that this is just for the two of us? That this is meant for communicating, alone?
“It’s just…I don’t know who is going to eat all of this,” she whispers and I let out a chuckle, pulling cans of beer and a wine cooler out of a mini cooler. I hand her the Straw-Ber-Rita as I open my beer and take a sip. I lean against the pillows and watch as she sits cross-legged, gazing down at her feet.
Her lip is caught in between her teeth.
She’s happy.
I reach over and move her curtain of hair over her shoulder, revealing her face. She tilts her head to the side, meeting my eyes.
“What are you thinking about so hard?” I ask. Poppy blushes and looks away, her eyes on the screen for a long moment. I see her shoulders rise and fall at a slightly faster pace.
“It just doesn’t make sense.” Her voice is quiet, almost unheard. But I always hear her. It’s almost as if my ears listen only for her voice.
“What doesn’t, Poppy?” She turns so she is fully facing me. She licks her dry lips and lets out a breath, leaning over to run her hand along the side of my face before she jerks it back.
I tighten at her touch, completely not expecting it. It was a very bold move for her. I am surprised, but also prideful that she feels confident to do so with me.
“That you, for some reason, want me.” I laugh and roll my eyes, lifting off the pillows so I am sitting straight. Poppy doesn’t take her eyes off of me. “I always thought you protected me because you saw me as weak. A-And I-I was holding you back from living…that’s why you joined the Army.”
I’m angry.
Not at her.
But toward the person who has made her feel this way about herself. To have shoved her self-confidence so far down that it’s nearly impossible to resuscitate. But I will pump life into her for as long as it takes, until she sees her beauty the way I do.
“I never thought you were weak. Ever. The fact that you have survived so much, Poppy…it makes you strong. So strong. And the Army…that decision was not made because of you. It’s for me. It’s to find the man I want to be, the man who is worthy of you. If anything, you make me want to be better. I want to be closer to you. Not further away, Poppy.” Poppy finally breaks eye contact to look down again.
I hear her sniffle and I let out a sigh, shifting forward so I’m on my knees, sitting back on my feet. I cup her face gently and thumb her tears away.
“You can’t be real…” she whispers. I let out a single chuckle, placing a kiss on the top of her head.
“I’m as real as you, Poppy. Please, let me show you how much you mean to me. Allow me to treasure you and treat you the way you deserve. I promise you won’t regret it.” Poppy nods her head, despite my hold on it.
“I couldn’t regret trusting you, Reid. You and Rachel…you’ve never let me down. I know you won’t. Just, thank you.”
I arch an eyebrow. What could she thank me for? I am the one who is over the moon because she has said yes. Yes to giving me a chance. Yes to allowing me to love her.
“For what?”
Poppy lifts her head and looks at me, her hazel eyes watery yet passionate. They hold so much meaning in them, so much depth. I am convinced I can almost see into her soul.
“For seeing me.”
Chapter 7
To Protect
Poppy
May 27, 2016
“Aragorn!” I yell across the field, watching the large German shepherd spin around to look me dead in the eyes, his tongue lolling out at the side. He then breaks out into a hard sprint toward me, a few chunks of dirt flying out behind him as he makes it over the distance in the span of a few seconds.
He skids to a halt and sits back on his haunches, looking up at me with expectant eyes. I dig into my pocket and hand him a meaty treat before I rub the top of his head affectionately.
I look at all the other dogs in the dog park, running around and chasing each other or balls. They are all chaotic, and I’m so thankful that I trained my dog right away. I met with a specialist and together, we taught Aragorn simple commands.
He is loyal only to me, always pressed up against my side, and is quick to eliminate threats. I worked hard, training him to answer attack commands as well. He knows “press,” which is when he moves forward, barks, and gnashes his teeth in front of the assailant but never attacks. He also knows “sic,” my word to attack.
However, I know that if a threat presents itself, Aragorn won’t need to be told. He will protect me no matter what happens. He has that protective fiber within him.
To be completely honest, I bought a German shepherd for this very reason—to protect me. He is with me whenever I leave the house, except when I’m going to work. He will sit in the car while I run errands, the window cracked just enough that he’s able to jump out.
It’s sad that I rely on my dog to keep me safe. But I can hardly look at Stephanie without feeling as if I’m being attacked. Just the look in her eyes is enough to get me weak at my knees. She has done so m
uch to make my life miserable, to make me weak…it’s as if I am expecting it.
Aragorn is my saving grace. I remember one time, Diane, Stephanie, and my dad came to pay me a visit. It was immediate. The moment Stephanie and Diane stepped into my house, right after my father, the hair on Aragorn’s back stood up on end and he let out three threatening barks.
I was forced to make him settle, however he refused to leave my side. Even when we sat on the couch, he was practically on my lap with a watchful eye on the two threats.
Aragorn whines and I return my attention back to the dog. I nod my head and wave my hand, sending him away. He turns and runs back to the growing group of dogs.
He plays with the other dogs so gently, which contradicts the dog he was trained to be.
I can’t believe what happened last night. I wasn’t expecting Reid to confess his feelings and wear his heart on his sleeve for all to see. But he did. He wants to date me.
How is that even possible?
The butterflies in my stomach are still fluttering around, ever since the drive-in. We actually found ourselves talking more than watching the movie.
Yes. Talking.
I, Poppy Evans, spent four hours having a decent conversation…with minimal errors or stutters. It was perfect.
He was such a gentleman. We didn’t kiss, though I know he wanted to…and I did too. We cuddled in the bed of the truck and I fell asleep for about twenty minutes…and he just held me. I haven’t been held for as long as I can remember.
Then, he dropped me off at my apartment and walked me up to my door, where he clung to me in a warm hug, his fingers grabbing my hair and the shirt at my back. It made me feel wanted.
I hear a loud bark followed by screams. I shake out of my reverie and look to see Aragorn sprint directly toward a tall, skinny blonde with thick, curly hair.
