by Wolf, Bree
Her feet retreated a step and then another. Before Louisa knew that she had decided on anything at all, she felt herself whirl around, her feet carrying her away from him. She slipped into the grove, moved quickly past tall standing trees and vanished into the thicket. Only too well did she remember this place from her childhood days. Countless, precious memories drifted back into her mind as her eyes swept over old forts, now helplessly overgrown, as well as rotting ropes, dangling down from the tall branches above like snakes. Oh, how she had loved this place as a child!
Now, however, she did not pause, not for a second doubting that Phineas would pursue her. She needed to get away and find a place to collect her thoughts. But what was she to do now that he was here? She could not escape him forever. Perhaps it would be wise to simply stop and get it over with, hear him out and meet his disdain with a brave face. Surely, there could be no other reason he wished to speak with her.
When she reached the small clearing surrounded by bushes and brambles and tall trees where long ago they had played at knights and dragons, Louisa stopped. She lifted her head and squared her shoulders, then turned around, determined to face him.
Chapter Twenty-Five
A Lonely Clearing
Nodding a greeting to the two youngest Whickerton sisters as well as their friend, Phineas strode onward not wishing to be detained by idle chitchat. Still, he frowned and once more looked over his shoulder before he rounded the next corner, wondering where he had seen the sisters’ friend before. A second or two passed before sudden realization hit him, and he knew the sisters’ friend to be none other but Miss Mortensen, the young woman who had developed a bit of a fancy for him.
Indeed, he had seen them in each other’s company before. Still, he could not deny that he was displeased finding Miss Mortensen at Whickerton Grove for he found it rather tiresome to try and avoid her attentions.
By the time he rounded the hedge though, all thoughts of Miss Mortensen fled his mind. His eyes settled on Louisa with deadly precision even from such a distance. He could barely make out her face as she sat with her eldest sister on a lone stone bench under a grove of trees. A small pond glistened in the sun near them, and the beauty of the world around them struck him for it stood in such stark contrast to the misery he knew to be lingering upon the two sisters. Had Louisa confided in Juliet?
Impatiently, Phineas quickened his step, now almost desperate to be near her, to look into her eyes once more, to hear her speak even if she were to lash out at him, which he supposed she definitely would. It was who she was, and Phineas would not have her any other way. He enjoyed their quick-witted battles; to him they spoke of the passion they shared: one they might even feel for one another.
As expected, Louisa seemed more than a bit reluctant to meet him. The shock of her revelation still stood clear as day on her face. While Juliet rose and headed back up the gravel path, Louisa seemed to retreat, step after step carrying her farther away.
“Good day, Lord Barrington,” Lady Juliet greeted him with a kind smile. “I assume Anne invited you to join us here.”
Phineas smiled at her. “You assume right, Lady Juliet. I hope you do not mind.”
“Of course not,” she assured him; still, something inscrutable lingered in her gaze, and Phineas suspected that she knew more than she let on. “If you’ll excuse me, I have to see to my grandmother.” And with that, she walked away, soon disappearing around the large hedge.
Phineas’ gaze swung back to Louisa, barely catching a glimpse of her as she disappeared into the grove. Indeed, she was running from him. In truth, it was most unlike her and told him just how deeply her secret and his knowledge of it rattled her. Did she honestly believe that he now thought less of her?
To him, it was an impossible thought.
Once again quickening his steps, Phineas pursued her, knowing that he could not allow her to slip away. They needed to speak to each other, to address what had happened for her sake as well as his own.
The warm sun fell away as thick branches overhead shielded him from its glowing heat. He stepped over roots and around brambles that grew onto a soft, once well-trodden path leading through the tall growing trees. He spotted the remnants of an old fort and smiled at the thought of Louisa and her siblings playing here as children.
On and on, he strode, hearing the faint rustling of another moving not too far ahead. Then the soft sounds ceased, and Phineas wondered if she had hidden herself or was awaiting him with open eyes.
Stepping around yet another wild growing bush, Phineas left the dense trees behind and moved out into a small clearing filled with sunshine. And there, in its center, stood Louisa.
Her chin was raised, and her shoulders drawn back. Her gaze looked defiant even from this distance, and Phineas knew that after all the guilt and grief she had suffered so recently, a spark of courage had once more ignited. It gave him hope.
“Why are you here?” Louisa demanded the second he stepped close enough. Her hands which were balled into fists opened when she saw him glance down at them. She forced them to hang loose at her sides, willing to appear unburdened and unconcerned. Still, only moments later, her arms once more rose as though of their own accord and crossed over her chest. A defiant and resistant gesture if ever there was one!
“I came to speak to you,” Phineas told her honestly as he slowly moved closer, step-by-step. “I told you I would not walk away, did I not?” In truth, he could not quite recall what he had said. All he knew was that the thought of not seeking her out was one he could not bear.
“I have no desire to speak to you,” she told him icily, and for a moment, Phineas felt reminded of the many moments she had hurled insults at his face. There was something deeply familiar and comforting about the situation. “I’d appreciate it if you left. After all, I do not recall inviting you nor do I believe did my family.” Her tone was still cold, but Phineas got the distinct impression that the ice in her voice was forced. Did she not feel it? But merely used it to drive him away? If so, she could not have made a worse choice.
Phineas smiled at her. He could not help it since the way she reacted to him only reinforced his feeling of old familiarity. “Call me every vile name in the book if you must,” he told her with a smirk, “but I shall not leave. I came to speak to you,” holding her gaze, he moved closer until he stood no more than an arm’s length away, “and speak to you I shall.”
Looking up at him, Louisa barely blinked. Her jaw hardened, almost stone-like if it weren’t for the one slight twitch in her cheek. “What is there to talk about?” A challenge rested in her eyes, and Phineas wondered what she was hoping he would do.
Alone with her, here in this clearing, far away from everybody else, Phineas understood that this was his chance to finally receive some answers. “I understand very well that you never meant to reveal to me what you did the other day,” he said gently, doing his best not to rile her for right here in this moment he did not want passion, but honesty instead. “Why you thought I already knew is beyond me. Still, it has not escaped my notice—how could it have?—that you’ve despised me for far longer.” He sidled closer another step. “Why?”
Defiance still blazed in her eyes. Nevertheless, her chest rose and fell with rapid breaths and she was chewing rather nervously on her bottom lip.
“Louisa, please,” Phineas all but begged.
Her brows drew down, and she stared at him, defiance replaced by incredulity. “You called me Louisa,” she whispered almost breathlessly.
Phineas nodded. “I did.”
A soft breeze traveled across the clearing, gathering up her golden curls as they gleamed in the sunshine and twirling them around her face. Her eyes still held his, suddenly so still and watchful as though she were looking upon him for the first time. “Two years ago,” she told him softly, her voice distant and rather unexpectedly free of accusation, “I attended a ball. You were there as well.” Her wide, green eyes lingered upon his face as though expecting him to
remember from these few words alone. “You spoke to a friend. That friend—Lord Lockton, I believe, was his name—he expressed…a certain partiality toward me.” She paused, looking up at him and waiting.
Oddly enough, Phineas felt a mild echo of what she had said. He could not quite recall the moment, but it sounded familiar, frighteningly familiar, for it chased goosebumps up and down his arms. What had he done?
Her gaze dropped from his for a split second before she once more looked up at him, the softness in her gaze weakening. “You dissuaded him from pursuing me,” Louisa continued, accusation once more tainting her words. “You told him that I was nothing but a pretty head, that you believed I could not even read.”
As though winter had suddenly descended, Phineas felt locked in a block of ice. Every inch of him grew cold when suddenly, the fog cleared, and he recalled the moment she had just described with perfect clarity. A groan slipped from his lips for he finally understood why she had hated him these past two years. How could he have been such a fool to utter these words? Of course, he had not meant them. But how could she have known?
Louisa’s lips thinned, and her fingers dug deeper into her arms, a clear sign of how deeply he had hurt her. “You did not think me good enough for your friend,” she told him, her voice stronger now, no longer distant and far away. Her chin rose, and steel returned to her green eyes. “You put him on his guard because you thought me inferior to him. He never addressed me. He never spoke to me or asked me to dance. You did that!” Her hands fell from her arms once more balling into fists as she glared at him. “And then you sought me out again and again, baiting me, riling me, insulting me. Was it fun to torment me? Were you hoping I would slip up, and my secret would be revealed to the whole world?” Gritting her teeth, she shook her head, disgust curling up her lip. “You have no idea how deeply I loathe you.” The words left her lips in a snarl, and yet, a tear glistened in the corner of her eye.
Contemplating his own stupidity, Phineas rubbed his hands over his face, wishing he could undo what had led them down this path. For it lay at the root of everything, did it not?
“Let me explain.” He reached for her, but she stepped back.
“Do not touch me!” she snapped, and the tear spilled over and snaked down her cheek. As though angry at it for revealing her vulnerability in a moment when she needed to be strong, Louisa brushed it away with an angry huff. “Leave for there’s nothing left to say!” She whirled around and made to hurry away.
Ignoring all tender emotions toward her, Phineas grasped her by the arm and jerked her back, knowing that he needed to be more forceful to make her listen to him. “You’re wrong!” he growled into her face, noting the way she struggled against his grip, no sign of fear in her eyes though. He liked that about her. “Listen, and I will release you,” he told her, “but not a moment before.”
Ignoring him, Louisa shoved against his chest. “What else is there to say? You chose your friend over me,” a dark chuckle rumbled in her throat, “something that I—in all truthfulness—cannot even hold against you. Nevertheless—”
“He was not my friend, and you have no idea why I said what I said!”
She stilled then, and her eyes narrowed. “Why then?” she demanded, her hands upon his chest once more, curling into fists. “What reason could you possibly have had? What could possibly excuse what you said?”
“I said what I said because I wanted you for myself!” The words fell from his tongue without thought, shocking them both.
Silence lingered as they breathed in and out, their gazes locked. “What?” Her voice was barely audible as she stared up at him, her cheeks suddenly pale.
Phineas swallowed. Never in his life had he allowed himself to be so vulnerable. “I said what I said,” he forced out through gritted teeth, knowing that if he did not speak now, he would not get another chance, “because I did not want him to pursue you. His interest in you caught me off guard, and I grasped for the first words that came into my mind to dissuade him.” He closed his eyes and breathed out deeply. “I know it was foolish and disrespectful, but it was an impulse. Nothing more.”
When he opened his eyes once more, her own still looked into his with the same disbelief as before. “Are you saying…you care for me?” If possible, the incredulity in her voice even grew.
Phineas snorted, “Is that truly so hard to believe?” he demanded, his hands tensing on her arms, holding her close. “Why else do you think I tease you so?” He jerked her closer, lowering his head to hers, his gaze insistent as it held hers. “Darn it, I’ve missed you these past few weeks!” His words were no more than a groan full of longing, and before he knew what he was doing, his head had swooped down, and his mouth closed over hers.
Chapter Twenty-Six
A Mess of Things
All strength, all anger, all pain had fallen from Louisa the moment Phineas had uttered these words, Because I wanted you for myself!
Treacherously, her heart seemed to dance in her chest, alternately thudding rapidly, wildly even, and then stumbling along as though it did not know how to continue. She felt his own beat in a similar rhythm—if one could call it that—as her hands unclenched, her palms settling upon his chest.
His words warmed her, and yet, they chased goosebumps all over her skin. Her mind spun, and her heart did not know what to feel. And then he was kissing her, and the tumult in her heart grew a thousandfold.
Still, the confusion only lasted for a second or two before a rather unexpected and utterly overwhelming longing surged through her being, silencing everything else. It swept through her like a tidal wave, burying everything in its path: guilt, pain, anger. All she could feel was an almost desperate need for the man holding her in his arms.
Phineas, too, seemed desperate, his hands rough and possessive, giving voice to the very sentiment he had spoken of before. His kiss did not allow for objection, not that she truly intended to voice any, and he held her with such insistence as though she was already his.
And in that moment, Louisa wanted to be. It was a weak moment, far from thought, and she allowed herself to feel it all. This was what she had always wanted, was it not? A moment of freedom. A moment to forget. Was that not why she had gone to the masquerade that night? But she had not found freedom or peace that night, not even for a moment, not the way she felt it now.
In his arms.
Why was it always him? Why did he make her feel all these things? Why could it not be someone who treated her kindly and with respect? Why did it have to be Phineas?
Dimly, Louisa took note of all the voices once more piping up in the back of her head. His kiss had silenced them before, but now they were reawakening, reminding her that he was not good for her, that he would never be able to stop teasing her, that a mere look at him sufficed to make her once again feel inferior and insignificant and worthless. Because of what had happened—even if he had not meant what he had said—these emotions were now irrevocably tied to him.
Steeling herself, Louisa whispered a silent goodbye to the beautiful emotions currently coursing through her. Indeed, his kiss felt wonderful; unfortunately, it could not make up for all the harsh words he had said to her. They were imprinted on her mind, and she could not imagine a time without them tormenting her. For a second, she wondered what would have happened if she had not overheard his words, if he had at some point simply addressed her and they had slowly gotten to know one another. What would have happened then?
Breaking their kiss, Louisa struggled for some distance between them. She struggled against him as much as herself, for a part of her still urged her to yield. Indeed, there had been something beautiful in this moment, and she could not help but cherish it. Nevertheless, it was but one moment, and it could not change what was.
“Let go of me,” she demanded, looking up at him, trying not to feel regret.
His arms remained around her as he slowly shook his head. “We need to talk.”
“We did talk.” Again, sh
e shoved against his chest.
Again, he would not release her. “There is more to say, and you know it.”
Louisa shook her head. “No matter what you say, it will not change anything. When I look at you, I will forever remember that moment.” She inhaled a slow breath, dimly realizing that she was looking at him now, and although she did remember that moment, it was not the only thing on her mind.
Contrition came to his face. “I’m deeply sorry for wounding you thus,” he whispered, his dark gaze upon hers, wide and open and honest. “I never for a second believed what I said.”
Louisa swallowed, feeling the usual sense of shame and disappointment drift into her heart. “And yet, you were right. I cannot fault your observation.”
“I observed nothing of the kind!” he all but snarled, a hint of anger in his voice as his hands tightened upon her. “I said those words because I knew they were the opposite of what he was looking for in a woman. That is it! That is the sole reason for saying what I said.”
Indeed, the words did feel soothing, but they failed to correct the fault in her stars. “Still, it does not change that…your words were true.” She inhaled a lungful of fresh air, wishing it could somehow wash away this lingering regret. “Are true.”
His gaze became contemplative, and she could all but see his thoughts turning toward her failure of learning something any child learned with ease. Before he could speak, though, Louisa swung down her arms, her elbows connecting with his, finally breaking his hold on her.
Quickly, Louisa took a step back and then another, determined to keep away from him. She knew there was a weakness within her, a weakness where he was concerned. A part of her wanted him close. A part of her longed for him. A part of her wished that things could be different. And yet, she needed to face reality.
Standing a few feet away from her, Phineas watched her most intently. She could almost feel his gaze sweeping over her features. “Does anyone else know?”
