by Wolf, Bree
Suddenly, she was right here. She was right here when he came down for breakfast in the morning. She was right here when he strode outdoors for a stroll through the countryside. She was right here when he headed to the stables for a head-long gallop across the fields.
She was here. Right here. In his arms. And if he wanted to, he could kiss her. And to his utter surprise, she did not stop him, did not argue or snap at him. Of course, she certainly teased him, but then again so did he. It was a game of sorts between the two of them, a game Phineas had always enjoyed. At least, that had not changed.
“You need to leave,” Louisa mumbled against his lips as she pulled back. Her hand settled upon his chest, the force behind her push now more pronounced.
Phineas looked at her, surprised. “Are you serious? Why? I thought we were practicing.”
Louisa chuckled, once more giving him a slight shove so that he had to take a step backward to keep his balance. “We certainly are practicing,” she said, amusement in her voice. “The only question is, what is it we are practicing?” She wiggled her eyebrows at him, and Phineas laughed. “Now, you’re the one distracting me,” she accused with a smile, her arms rising once more to cross over her chest. “I insist you leave this instant so I may have peace of mind to look over these…” A deep frown came to her face as her gaze drifted back down to the words on the parchments. “These rather unusual sentences,” she ended diplomatically.
Grateful not to see her disheartened, Phineas took a step back, nodding his head to her. “Very well, but only under protest.”
Louisa grinned. “Duly noted.”
Spinning on his heel, Phineas headed toward the door, but then stopped with his hand on the doorknob and glanced over his shoulder. “I shall see you later,” he said, surprised to hear his voice rise ever so slightly as though he were asking a question. Was he?
Deep down, Phineas could not help but wonder if Louisa genuinely cared for him. Of course, one could argue that simply because he had learned of her secret by happenstance, she had had no choice but to accept that he knew. After all, had he not all but badgered her into accepting his help? Had she not rolled her eyes at his method from the very beginning? Did she truly dislike it, or did she rather enjoy the heated back-and-forth that had always existed between them?
Sometimes, Phineas was certain that something deep and meaningful lingered between them, still elusive, but there, nonetheless. Other times, he wondered if he was simply imagining things, seeing them in a certain light simply because he wished for them.
Closing the door behind him, Phineas rested his back against it and for a moment closed his eyes. If only he knew!
Chapter Thirty-One
With Family
Leonora’s sad eyes were the only cloud on the horizon as far as Louisa was concerned. For these days, life was good and beautiful and exceedingly invigorating. She woke every morning with a smile upon her face and went to bed each night with a happy giggle drifting from her lips.
Indeed, it would be safe to assume that her progress regarding the written word was at its root. Every word that no longer remained a mystery encouraged Louisa, brought a smile to her face and eagerness to her heart. Letters no longer appeared as random scribbles, but were part of a whole, a network that made sense and promised explanation if one only were to look closer.
Of course, like everything worthwhile, it took time and endurance and tenacity for her to claw her way closer to understanding. However, Louisa did not mind. It only made her want it more.
As the days passed, and summer slowly drew to its end, Louisa found that notes and letters no longer terrified her. Of course, she was far from being able to read them with anything even resembling fluency. Still, the veil was lifting, and Louisa eagerly gobbled up each word. She even strayed into the library and snatched books randomly off the shelves, her eyes scanning the titles, trying to make them out. It was a small step, but to her it was uplifting.
It felt so incredibly good to not be reliant on others in this matter. It felt free, utterly free.
“You look happy!”
At the sound of Anne’s voice, Louisa spun around and the book in her hands slipped from her fingers, clattering to the ground. Her heart beat fast, almost painfully as she stared at her cousin. It had been a long time since she had been on her guard; now, here, she was deeply unprepared to have someone intrude upon her own little world.
Watching her most intently, Anne stepped forward, then bent down to pick up the book, handing it back to Louisa. “Is something wrong? You look tense.”
Louisa inhaled a slow breath, her gaze lingering upon her cousin’s face. More than once over the past few weeks, both Leonora and Phineas had separately urged her to share her secret with the rest of her family. Considering how well both had reacted, Louisa had been open to the thought. She had at length contemplated who to confide in next, however, to be now, so abruptly, so unexpectedly, faced with this decision was overwhelming…and utterly terrifying.
Anne barely moved, and Louisa felt oddly reminded of someone trying not to spook a deer. “Louisa?”
Shaking off her paralysis, Louisa swallowed, her fingers closing more tightly around the book. She did not even know what kind of book it was. If she had read the title, she could no longer recall it. Still, she clutched it to her chest, the movement reminding her of Leonora and her precious notebook. Unwittingly, a chuckle drifted from her lips.
Anne frowned. “Lou, what is going on?” Carefully, she took a step closer, her hand rising very slowly before it gently settled upon Louisa’s shoulder. “Is there anything I can do?” Her blue eyes lingered, searching Louisa’s, no doubt contemplating her rather odd behavior. “A moment ago, you looked utterly happy, and now, you seem worried. Did I do something? Did you wish to be alone?”
Louisa closed her eyes, then once more inhaled a deep breath and decided to take a leap of faith. “I was happy,” she told Anne honestly, the book still clutched to her chest. “I was very happy.”
A slow smile came to Anne’s face. “Does your happiness by any chance have something to do with Phineas?” Her blue eyes sparkled, and Louisa could see the same hope in them that she herself had felt when she had worked tirelessly to bring Anne and Tobias together.
“It might have,” Louisa admitted with a slight huff, feeling rather self-conscious to be at this end of the conversation.
Anne clapped her hands together and almost shrieked with joy. “You must tell me everything! I mean, I’ve seen the two of you together, and I could not help but think…” She shook her head, words failing her. “Tell me everything!”
Louisa laughed, delighted with her cousin’s joyous reaction. “You will not tease me?” she asked, watching Anne skeptically.
Anne gave her an odd look. “Why would I tease you?”
“I teased you about Tobias, did I not?”
Anne shrugged. “That was a long time ago.”
“Not a year has passed since,” Louisa pointed out, unable to help herself.
Anne was about to reply when she suddenly paused, her eyes narrowing. “Are you stalling for time?” she asked, her right foot slowly tapping against the floor. “Or do you not want to answer me?”
Louisa grinned. “Perhaps a bit of both.”
Anne’s gaze became thoughtful. “What are you worried about? That he might not care for you? Because I assure you that he does.”
Louisa’s hands tensed upon the book. “How would you know? Did he say anything?”
Anne grinned. “For the same reason I know you care for him.” She chuckled, “It is written all over your face. Was that not how you knew I cared for Tobias?”
Louisa hung her head. “I cannot believe it,” she mumbled, a smile teasing her lips. “Bested by my own weapons.” With a sigh, she looked back up at Anne…and then told her everything.
The words simply spilled forth, and Louisa barely had to think about how to phrase what she wanted to say. Her lips moved, and she spoke witho
ut thought. Her heart expressed everything that had happened with ease, and she could see in Anne’s face that her cousin understood.
“Why did you never tell me?” Anne asked, tears misting her eyes as she looked at Louisa. “I would’ve helped you.”
Louisa smiled. “Leonora said the same thing.”
“Of course, she did.”
Louisa laughed, “In retrospect, I should’ve known. Of course, I should’ve known.” She shook her head, wondering how she could ever have believed that her family would not be there for her. “But before, I…”
Anne grasped her shoulders, her kind, blue eyes looking into Louisa’s. “Fear makes us blind,” Anne whispered knowingly. “Everybody knew that Tobias cared for me, but I did not see it. I feared it might not be true, and that fear made me blind.” She offered Louisa a warm smile. “It was the same for you, was it not?”
Blinking back tears, Louisa nodded. “I suppose it was.”
Anne grinned. “And then came Phineas.”
Biting her lower lip, Louisa could not help but grin. She felt embarrassed, for the notion that Phineas might care for her, that she might care for him was still something to be ridiculed, was it not? “He is…infuriatingly stubborn,” she whispered, and her heart danced in her chest. “He simply would not leave me alone. Whenever I turned around, he was there. No matter what I did or where I went, he always followed.” She would have thrown up her hands had they not still been clutching the book. “He was relentless.”
Anne grinned from ear to ear. “That sounds as though you are displeased.”
“I was!”
“Was?” Anne inquired, mirth glittering in her eyes. “Am I right to assume that you are no longer?”
Turning around, Louisa finally loosened her grip on the book and gently sat it back down onto the shelf. She heaved a deep sigh, then leaned her head forward, her forehead coming to rest against the smooth wood. “I’m afraid so,” she mumbled, unable to look at Anne.
Behind her, Anne laughed, “He is not the man you thought you would marry, is he?”
As though struck by lightning, Louisa whirled around, her jaw dropping. “Marry? No! No! No! I am quite ready to admit that he is not…as bad as I thought, however—”
Anne chuckled, “As bad as you thought? Unbelievable,” she remarked, shaking her head. “You’re worse than I am! Worse, you’re worse than he is!”
Louisa did not know what she wanted Anne to say. Within her, a war was being waged. She could not even name the sides that struggled with one another, much less wish for an outcome. She did not dare.
“Trust me,” Anne said gently, taking Louisa’s hands in hers. “You care for him. I’ve watched you most closely over the past few weeks,” Louisa’s eyes widened, “and what I’ve observed is that you know what you want. You’re simply afraid to admit it to yourself.”
Louisa sighed, “Perhaps.” It was all she was currently willing to concede.
One step at a time.
“If this experience taught you anything,” Anne continued, giving Louisa’s hands a gentle squeeze, “it should be that being afraid is never rewarded. Be brave, take a risk and people will surprise you.” Her smile deepened. “You taught me that, and I’ll be forever grateful to you. You helped me when I did not even know I needed help. Now, let me do the same for you.”
Embracing her cousin, Louisa exhaled the breath she had been holding for a long, long time. All tension left her body, and she suddenly looked to the future with a carefree heart.
* * *
Autumn came and went, and Phineas still felt at peace. Never had he enjoyed a stay out in the country as he did now. Always had he felt restless and rather bored. Now, however, life was vastly different because of one woman.
Louisa.
Days passed with stolen kisses, whispered words and longing glances, but also with teasing notes and nonsensical riddles, for Louisa’s mastery of the written word grew with each day. Pride shone in her dark green eyes, and her enthusiasm was all but infectious. Never had Phineas read as much as he did over the course of these few weeks. He read by himself, but also with her or for her. Always would they speak about choice of words, their impact as well as alternatives. Of course, they also spoke of spelling and grammar, and Phineas was rather dumbfounded to see that even such a dry topic could hold his interest.
In truth, it was not the dry, rather uninspiring topic that held his interest, but the woman glowing like a beacon in the night sky.
“I’ve made a decision,” Louisa told him one day as they once more sneaked off to the library together. Glancing up and down the corridor, she quickly shut the door, then hurried over to him, grasping his hands as though they were an old married couple, and it came to her as naturally as breathing. “I will tell my family.”
Phineas could not prevent his jaw from dropping, but he quickly recovered, afraid his reaction might change her mind. “Why? I mean, not that I’m arguing against it. But…I’m curious what made you change your mind.”
Louisa shrugged. “I’m not sure,” she mumbled, her gaze a little distant. “I’m not certain I actually changed my mind. Of course, for years I could not imagine telling them. But recently…” She shook her head unable to find the words. “I think all I needed was a little time to familiarize myself with the thought. I’m still worried about how they might look at me once they know.” She cast him an apologetic grin. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it.”
Phineas squeezed her hands. “I understand.”
Louisa smiled at him, one of those utterly endearing and intoxicating smiles that always made him feel weak in the knees. “Lately, I feel that it bothers me that they don’t know, that there is a part of me they know nothing about.” The look in her eyes dimmed. “When Leonora wouldn’t speak to me, I realized how painful it was that someone I loved did not trust me enough to confide in me.”
“It was never about trust,” Phineas told her, his gaze searching hers. “You know this, do you not?”
Louisa nodded. “I know that she didn’t tell me because she, too, realized that I had a secret that I wouldn’t share with her. It was all extremely complicated, and we all believed something to be true that simply wasn’t. That’s what secrets do, is it not? They addle your mind and separate you from the people you love.”
Phineas loved the passionate way she spoke about herself, her family, those she cared about, and he wondered if at least a small part of her thought of him in the same way. “How do you wish to do this? One after another? Or all at once?”
A slight tremor snaked down her arms, and Phineas’ grip upon her hands tightened, hoping she would draw courage from his presence. “I’ve thought long and hard about this,” Louisa told him, her breath quickening as the pulse in her neck began to gather speed. “I do not believe I have the strength to explain myself repeatedly. The mere thought of it makes me feel dizzy and lightheaded.” She exhaled a slow breath, her hands tightening upon his. “No. I shall tell them all at once.” Her eyes locked upon his. “Today. Now.”
For a long moment, they simply looked at one another, Louisa’s decision lingering in the air, its effect feeling like a deafening roar in absolute stillness. “Do you want me there?” Phineas asked, surprised at how nervous he himself suddenly felt.
“Of course! I need you there!” There was no hesitation in her reply, and her voice sounded strong and determined. Her eyes glowed with something Phineas could not quite make out, but he knew that it made him want to pull her into his arms and never let go.
Lately, that feeling had been sneaking up on him in a variety of moments. Always unexpected, but always forceful. It seemed to grow with each passing day, and rather abruptly, in a moment that held no meaning, Phineas had realized only recently that he thought of Louisa as his brother thought of Anne. Deep down, he knew what these emotions meant, what he wanted. What he also knew was that the right time had not yet come.
Hurrying through the house, Phineas gathered every Whickerton he c
ould find while Louisa sat in the drawing room, waiting, no doubt terribly nervous.
“What is this about?” Troy asked as Phineas urged him to abandon whatever he had been working on in the study and head to the drawing room.
“You shall see,” was all he replied, not wishing to reach ahead and say more than Louisa would want him to.
Lady Hayward had already returned home to her husband’s country estate a few weeks back while her brother, Lord Lockhart, had traveled to London on some business. Tobias, Anne as well as Phineas himself had stayed on though, feeling quite at home at Whickerton Grove.
That left Louisa’s parents, her grandmother—although Phineas wondered if the dowager might suspect something for, she frequently did—as well as her brother and sisters.
And Miss Mortensen.
As the drawing room slowly began to fill, Louisa’s family taking seats here and there, exchanging glances of surprise and curiosity, Phineas moved closer to Louisa without thought. He felt that he should be at her side, that that was where he belonged. Still, he did not wish to encroach on this moment and so he kept a little back, just lingering near enough in case she should need him.
Everyone began to speak simultaneously, asking questions and voicing their surprise. The sound was almost deafening, and Phineas could see Louisa’s hands tense. He was about to interfere when a loud knocking sound could be heard above the cacophony of voices. He glanced around and saw Grandma Edie, rapping her walking stick on the floor. “Silence, everyone!” she exclaimed, scowling at her family. “I cannot hear myself think.”
When everyone had settled down and taken their seats, their lips finally sealed, their ears ready to listen, Grandma Edie turned to Louisa and said, “Now, dear, what is it you wish to speak to us about?” An encouraging smile shone upon the old woman’s face, which convinced Phineas that she already knew.
