by Lissa Bilyk
ROSES ARE RED
“An imperfect rose is still a rose and imperfect love is still love.” – anonymous
LOREN
Dear Martin
I guess you would want to know everything that happened, and yes, it really did. I have been thinking about writing this for quite some time. I just wasn’t sure how to say it.
I guess you’ll be wondering where I’ve gone. Please don’t grieve for me, I am truly happy.
We have been friends for many years, and in that time we have grown closer. I feel that you, ignorant of what has been going on around you, deserve to know exactly what has happened and why I have gone.
Angels are real. It sounds crazy, I know, but all I’m telling you is true.
At night I often dreamed that I met a mysterious figure in a beautiful garden. We talked about the day’s events. Most of the time the figure was hidden in the shadow of a big old tree, but recently he had been coming forward into the soft light of a springtime sun. And the craziest thing – as dreams often are – was that the beautiful white sweeping wings seemed absolutely normal. It was the piercing green eyes that got my attention.
The depth and clarity of those beautiful eyes haunted my dreams. I’d find myself doodling an eye during lectures. Then I’d start with the realisation of what I’d done and hastily scribble down notes.
He came to me in a dream not long before the party. The beautiful garden, which I’d jokingly christened Eden, was in full bloom. Flowers exploded from every angle, pink and blue and yellow and red and every other colour imaginable. Green in every shade filled the garden from the trees to the shrubs and bushes and soft, dry grass. The absence of insects and birds didn’t occur to me until now, or the unnatural stillness of the air. Beyond the tallest trees that created a sort of wall, the sky was milky-white, and wispy, like a cloud. The air was warm, and heavy with the scent of flowers.
Loren.
I turned around. He was in the shade of a tree.
I’ve been waiting for you.
I held my breath as he came into the light. He moved so majestically, I was hypnotised and terrified without knowing why.
That musician is no good for you. He’ll get you into trouble if you go to any more wild parties.
He’s just a friend, I had said. And back then, Martin, you were. You still are.
Leave him be, the angel urged. You have me. I will protect you.
I giggled at the sheer idiocy of the situation. Dreams! Who could fathom them?
Look at me, Loren. Look at my eyes. Tell me you will leave him be.
There was some strange power in his eyes… some unknown force compelling me to submit to him. I tried to fight it, but it overwhelmed me, and I agreed with him in the end. It was just a dream!
It was the next day that he appeared to me for real. I got home from Uni and began to unwind on my bed. At first I thought I was dreaming because I suddenly felt this unease in the pit of my belly and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I opened my eyes and sat up.
And he was there in my room, just standing there with a sort of sheepish grin and an apologetic gesture.
I leapt off my bed as if it was on fire and scooped up my lacrosse stick ready to swat him if he tried to approach. The angel – for surely he was an angel, with those extensive white wings and those green eyes of my dreams – held out his hands in a ‘don’t shoot’ motion. I felt my breath catch in my throat as he moved. He was spellbinding. He was hypnotic. And all this even before he opened his mouth and spoke in a hauntingly beautiful voice:
“Hi… I’m your guardian angel.”
I stared. The stick wavered. His grin faltered.
“My name’s Justice.”
I looked out the window and put the stick down. Logically, he couldn’t get into my room without my noticing it. I would have heard something. Besides, who would dress like that, in nothing but white pants? Who would walk around the campus with great wings sticking out of their back?
No one. So I assumed he was speaking the truth.
JUSTICE
I don’t think she was too impressed with the first meeting. At least I had the decency to appear clothed! One of the biggest shocks I could have given her would be to appear as a naked angel, revealing my flesh as well as my spirit. But I didn’t scare her. Surprised, shocked, but not scared. I would never scare her. Maybe I should have announced my arrival. I was going to, but she was very tired from her lectures and seeing her on the bed my throat suddenly constricted and I found it very hard to breathe. She is definitely one of the most beautiful humans I have ever seen. She looks like an angel already.
When she got home I would appear to her. She was getting used to seeing the supernatural every day, but I decided I really wanted to show her something special. I wanted to take her flying.
We flew in her dreams. Well, to her it was her dreams; to me it was her spirit I coaxed out of her body during sleep. I could touch her spirit without the intense ecstasy and pure bliss of touching a divine being. She gladly took my hand, she seemed to float, and there we were, swimming in the frozen sky, dancing on the moonlit water of the shining beach.
So it was reckless, but who could see us? I, an invisible angel, flying with my charge’s spirit.
I still watched over her during the school hours. She would meet with that young musician. I would watch them flirting: she had no idea what she was getting into. Perhaps if I offered myself to her fully, she would choose me over him. If I offered her something he could never give…
“Loren, you haven’t listened to me.”
“Of course I’ve listened to you, Justice.”
“No, you haven’t. I can see you hanging with the young jazz player. Every time you blush, every time you ‘accidentally’ brush his hand: Loren, I see it all.”
She put her hands on her hips and glared at me. “You don’t have to watch me, Justice. I can be friends with whomever I like.”
“Not if those ‘friends’ will get you into trouble I can’t protect you from.”
“Justice, this is none of your business. I can -”
“It is entirely my business!” She took a step back as my wings flared. “I am your guardian angel. That means the point of my life is to protect you. Why won’t you listen to me?”
My accidental intimidation did nothing to dent her courage. “Because you’re talking a bunch of crap! Martin is a perfectly respectable young man. He’s in his second year of study and he’s won four state competitions in a row. Justice, there is nothing wrong with him!”
I settled my wings and folded my arms. “Loren, I have taken the liberty of watching him myself. You have no idea what he’s like when he’s drunk. He turns into a monster, I tell you. Berserk rage. He’s been thrown out of pubs in brawls.”
“He would never get into a fight. He has to protect his fingers.”
“Loren, I know what I saw. Would I lie to you?”
“You’re just jealous!” she cried. “You’re jealous because he’s human and you’re not.”
A silence fell around the room. She instantly regretted what she’d said. I felt as though my heart had broken. I had to get her back to trusting me. I knew there was power in my voice, now was the time to use it. So long as she was looking at my eyes, she was in my power.
“Do you really think that is the truth?”
She looked as though she might cry.
“Loren, I’ve been human. I’ve felt what you’re going through now.” A lie. I hadn’t actually been in love. Not until now. “I understand all these thoughts and feelings and emotions are playing with you, but I’m your angel. It is my duty to protect you.” Now she was crying. “Please, as a favour to me more than to yourself; don’t see that boy again. Don’t encourage him. He’s bad news.”
I moved towards her. Her tears had their own power on me. I reached out to touch her… but then just traced the outline of her hair. It wouldn’t do to touch her. No.
LOREN
The day before the party J
ustice and I had a really big argument about you. He said you were bad news, and I tried to believe him. He wouldn’t lie to me. But still I told him he was jealous, and yet I regretted it instantly. I was just trying to hurt him, but I think I hurt him too bad. I had this feeling that maybe he was being just a bit too overprotective, and I loved him for it, but I couldn’t control my own frustration. I felt like a loser. No one loved me. No one ever had. I’d never even been kissed.
Anyway, he started to touch me. He put his hand up as if he were going to stroke my face but then simply brushed the air next to my cheek. I wished he had touched me. Then he left. I felt awful, I really did. I felt so upset and the only thing I could think of was what I was going to tell you at the party.
