by Sarah Bailey
Dante looked as sceptical as I felt about that statement. They’d been putting it off for far too long. I understood talking about what Dad did to them was difficult, but they couldn’t go through life breaking down any time someone mentioned him. He might be behind bars, but he was still a monster who haunted all of us in different ways.
“On a different topic, you’re practically glowing this morning,” Fi said, looking at me pointedly.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, I think someone got laid,” Jen sniggered.
I rolled my eyes and walked around my desk, taking a seat. I noticed Dante eying me more closely now.
Just what I need, all my siblings noticing I had sex literally less than two hours ago.
“I thought you and Cassie were done,” Fi said.
“We are.”
The twins glanced at each other.
“Who’s the lucky lady this time?”
“Don’t you all have work to do?”
I was not going to tell them about Ellie because they’d spend eternity giving me shit about her. I’d already had enough over the fact that I’d been screwing the accountant.
“You’ve blatantly got a secret lady love and we’re going to find out who it is,” Jen said with a twinkle in her eye.
“Can you take them away please?” I said to Dante, giving him a pleading look.
He raised an eyebrow.
“Do you think I have control over them?”
“More than me.”
He looked at my sisters.
“Why did you two come in here anyway?”
Thank fuck for the subject change.
“Oh, we were checking if you two were planning on attending the ball Avery’s charity is having.”
I slapped my hand on my head, groaning. I’d completely forgotten Avery mentioned it was being organised months ago. No wonder she was pissed with me. Not only had I not been talking to her, but I’d not even responded to the invite she sent me well over a month ago. It wasn’t for another month or so, but she’d been helping plan this for ages.
“Yeah, Liora, Brent and I are all confirmed,” Dante said.
The twins looked at me.
“Yes, of course I am,” I said. “It’s Avery’s thing, why wouldn’t I go?”
I just had to tell her I was going. And perhaps I could persuade Ellie to come with me. It was, after all, for women like her. Then again, I didn’t want to push Ellie into doing anything she was uncomfortable with. We still had to talk about what was going on between us first.
I just hoped she wanted the same thing as me.
I want to make you mine, Ellie. No other bullshit. Just us. Together. As a couple.
Chapter Sixteen
Ellie
The problem with what happened between James and me was now he wasn’t with me, all I could think about was how wrong it was for me to sleep with him. He’s given me no promises or indication of anything more between us. For all I knew, he was still pining over Avery and I was just a distraction for him.
He told me not to overthink everything, but I couldn’t help it. It whirled around and around in my head like a carousel. Even in his text messages, he didn’t really make anything clearer for me. He said he was looking forward to seeing me, but did that mean so he could have sex with me again or was he going to tell me he wanted some bullshit like friends with benefits?
Why the hell had I had sex with a guy who was in love with his best friend?
What kind of madness had possessed me?
It was true I wanted an experience with someone who would treat me with care and show me sex could be pleasurable. He’d done that in spades. I’d never had such an intense experience with anyone. Never knew it could be like that between two people. It made me wonder why people took without giving anything in return. Surely it was better when both parties wanted each other?
Some people were just fucked up and evil. They didn’t care what they took. It was all about them. With James, it had been about us, together, finding a release in each other. I mean, him going down on me was about the most erotic thing I’d ever seen. His eyes had been fixed on me the whole time, watching me as I came apart for him.
I wanted more though. More of him. And not just sex, I wanted that connection we shared. He knew more about me than anyone else in this world. There were still so many secrets I had to share, but he was the person I wanted to confide in. He was the only man I’d ever felt safe with. He’d seen the damage inflicted on me and told me I was beautiful.
I couldn’t help my doubts. All I’d had in my life was pain. People using and abusing me before tossing me out like I was a piece of dirt on their shoe. The only kindness I’d been shown was after I’d been rescued, but even then I had trouble trusting people. Letting them in. He hadn’t given me any reason to doubt him, but that didn’t mean I could fully trust he wasn’t playing with my feelings. I’d seen too much of the dark side of this world.
The buzzer for my door went. I’d been so nervous about seeing him and now he was here. I went to the intercom and buzzed him in. It was a few minutes before he knocked on the door and I opened it.
Why was he so beautiful? When I looked at him, all of my doubts went out the window. All I wanted to do was drown in James. Drown in the intense sensations he would no doubt draw out of me if I let him. I couldn’t afford to do that.
“Hi,” I said, stepping back.
“Hi yourself.”
He reached for me as soon as he walked in, his hand curling around the back of my neck, reeling me in. I barely had a chance to get another word in when his lips met mine. I melted into him, not least because I’d missed him, but his mouth on mine made my knees weak.
“Sweetheart,” he breathed, pulling away and resting his forehead against mine.
Why did his touch have this effect on me? I wanted to please him. This was really fucked up. We had to talk and that meant I couldn’t let him be close to me or I’d lose my nerve.
I backed out of his grasp, almost shoving him away from me. His expression fell, confusion painting his features.
“Don’t.”
“Ellie? What’s wrong?”
He tried to take a step towards me but I put my hand up. It was now or never.
“Please, don’t. You scramble my thoughts when you’re close to me and I can’t say what I have to say if I can’t think straight.”
He went still, ocean blue eyes assessing me carefully.
“Okay. I’ll stay here.”
I nodded and backed away further, needing more distance between us. Balling my hands up in the sleeves of my jumper, I took a breath, focusing on what I wanted to say to him.
“This…” I waved my hand between us. “I don’t know what this is. It was all so clear before you kissed me. We were friends and I was damn proud of myself for that. I’ve not been able to have a conversation with a man since I was rescued without my skin itching or feeling the urge to be sick. I was so happy when I spoke to you because it felt good not to feel like I was dying inside.”
I looked away from him, unable to take the look of dread in his eyes. As if he knew what I was going to say would change so many things between us.
“There were no conflicting emotions. No complications. I was safe with you. Safe because you’re in love with her.”
I put my jumper clad fist to my mouth, finding myself trying to choke back tears which were beginning to well in my eyes. The pain of knowing that simple fact ripped right through my chest and broke my heart right in two.
“Ellie, I—”
I dropped my hand from my mouth.
“Don’t, don’t tell me that’s not true because we both know it is. I was okay with that, you know, we were simply sharing our dark pasts with each other. I was never meant to feel anything else but kinship with you.”
I slipped a hand from my jumper and rubbed my other arm with it.
�
�Somehow I found myself wanting more. I wanted to be close to you. I craved the moments when our hands touched because it made me feel… alive. And I kept telling myself it was okay. That friends touched each other in a purely platonic way. I was kidding myself because deep down, I felt something else. Something deeper and it kept building until I couldn’t deny it any longer.”
I heard him shift and I looked up. He’d taken a step towards me, his eyes intent on my face. There was longing in his eyes, the same longing I felt inside. The need to touch each other and make all this pain go away.
“And the thing is, I began to realise you felt it too. That you wanted more. I didn’t act on it, James. I tried to keep us as friends and you know why that is.”
“Because of Avery.”
I didn’t think it would hurt so much. Hearing her name. My chest felt tight and my heart burnt. The tears I didn’t want started falling.
“You ruined it when you kissed me. You made it impossible to go back. That’s why I avoided you because I knew the second I saw you, I’d be lost. I wanted you so much I didn’t care about the consequences.”
He took another step towards me. I should’ve moved away, but I was frozen in place.
“We paused reality, but we can’t escape it forever. It’s right here.”
“Nothing is ever going to happen with Avery, you know that.”
He closed the distance and wrapped his hands around my shoulders. The heat of his palms burnt through my clothing. I stared up at him, tears spilling down my cheeks, feeling desolation set in.
“But it already did, didn’t it? Tell me the truth. What happened between you two?”
I knew there was far more to what he’d told me.
“It’s complicated.”
“No, it isn’t. It’s pretty simple. You either slept with her or you didn’t.”
His expression was pained as if I’d hit on a sore subject.
“I did.”
I crumbled. Even though I knew it had to be the case, my world fucking disintegrated before my eyes. Somehow truly knowing they’d been together intimately made it worse than ever. He caught me against his chest as my legs buckled and held me.
“Sweetheart,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.”
“When? When did it happen?” I sobbed into his chest, clutching his coat with both fists.
“When we were seventeen and it carried on for two years, on and off.”
He must’ve thought I was crazy, getting upset about something that happened so long ago. Hell, I thought I was crazy right now.
“Why did it end?”
“A guy at Uni asked her out and she wanted to start seeing him. We were never really together. She wasn’t coping with her parents’ expectations of her very well… she sought solace in me and I gave it to her even though it felt wrong to sleep with my best friend. I saw her as family, I still do. All the lines just got blurred. My feelings grew into something they shouldn’t have, but I still let her go when she wanted to stop. I’ve never been able to say no to her.”
My heart broke further for him. She’d taken advantage of his affection for her. Didn’t he see that?
He stroked my hair, holding me tighter. I felt like such an idiot, crying over his feelings for his best friend. I wanted him to feel that way about me not her.
Hold on, what?
Was I jealous?
I was.
She was first. She’d had him first. And she didn’t cherish him in the way she should’ve. In the way he deserved. I didn’t know her, but what she’d done was selfish.
“Ellie, I don’t want her like that. Not anymore.”
He wanted her that way not so long ago. You couldn’t just turn feelings off like that.
“If you’re going to tell me you want me, you can save it.”
He sighed.
“You’ve already made up your mind, haven’t you?”
I had. Before he even got here. Before I saw him and my resolve started to crumble.
“I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice and I refuse to live in another girl’s shadow. I deserve more.”
When he said nothing, my heart shattered. Funny that I hadn’t realised how much I cared about this man until now. How my feelings had blossomed. How much I desperately wanted him when I couldn’t have him. I could but it wouldn’t feel right. I’d always wonder if he wished I was Avery. That was stupid because I knew I wouldn’t be some kind of consolation prize, but she was still in his life. She was still an important part of his world. I would never, ever ask someone to give up their friend for me. Especially not someone who’d been in his life for almost twenty years. I wasn’t selfish.
“I think you should go,” I whispered even though the words sounded hollow to my ears.
I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to stay and kiss away my tears. Touch me in the way I knew he could. Heal my poor wounded heart.
He kissed the top of my head before laying his cheek on it.
“I don’t think you want that,” he whispered back.
“It’s not about what I want… it’s about what’s best for both of us.”
If I could have what I wanted, it would be him. He would be mine. And I’d be his. How I fucking desperately wanted to be his. I recognised something in him which I longed for. A sense of belonging. Someone who’d take care of me. Who’d make me feel worthy again. I’d spent too long feeling like I was worthless. Nothing and nobody. He’d help me fix that part of me if I let him. When I was with James, I felt like I could give up all my control and hand it over to him for safekeeping because he wouldn’t abuse me.
He raised his head from mine and shifted, tucking a hand under my chin and forcing my face up towards him. His gaze was so intense, it almost burnt me.
“You’re right. I’m not worthy of you.”
I didn’t get a chance to respond. If I had, I would’ve told him that wasn’t true. It hadn’t been what I meant when I said I deserved more. It had nothing to do with worth. It had everything to do with wanting to be the only girl in his heart. But he let me go abruptly and walked out of my flat without a backwards glance.
I stumbled towards my bed and sat down, tears still flowing freely down my cheeks. How had that conversation gone so badly wrong? I wanted to at least end things amicably. Instead, I’d become an emotional wreck and now he thought he was unworthy. What kind of person makes another feel like that? He didn’t need that. He’d already been through enough with his father.
It hit me all at once. James told me his dad had been verbally abusive. I knew what that was like. When someone got in your head and made you feel like you weren’t worth anything.
Oh fuck. No. No. No.
Had what I said got to him? Did he feel as worthless as I sometimes did? I put a hand to my mouth, trying to stifle a sob. Had I made everything worse by trying to do the right thing? Who knew. I hadn’t let him speak. Let him explain things to me on his own terms. I was an idiot. A stupid fucking idiot who’d just made a complete mess of things.
What was the fucking point? I didn’t deserve him. It wasn’t the other way around. He deserved more than my bullshit. My damage. My messy baggage. James deserved a girl who would love him the way he was and not be idiotically jealous that his best friend would always be his first love.
He doesn’t need me.
I crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head. My life was one big fucking joke. Why did I think I was capable of being a normal girl, who had normal relationships and lived a normal life?
I’m not normal.
I’ll never be normal.
***
I must’ve fallen asleep because I woke up to a loud banging noise. My head was pounding in my skull like I’d had too much to drink even though I hadn’t had a drop. Pulling the covers off me, I realised the banging was coming from my front door.
What the hell?
Who would be banging at my door? Th
is area sucked. People didn’t care who they let in our block of flats. I should’ve moved ages ago, but I was happy here in my own little private space.
I got up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Daylight streamed in through the window. I picked up my phone from the bedside table. It was almost eleven. Had I really slept that long? It can’t have been that long past eight last night when I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.
The banging intensified.
“Okay, okay, I’m coming,” I huffed.
I walked over to the door, unlatched it and pulled it open. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I’d checked who it was through the peephole.
“D…Dad?”
“Hello Ellie.”
His smile made my skin crawl. He shoved me backwards into the flat and walked in. I stumbled, almost losing my footing, but he reached out and caught me by the arm. His grip was far too tight. The door slammed shut behind us.
“What are you doing here? How did you find me?”
I tried to pull my arm out of his grasp, but he wasn’t having any of it.
“How indeed. I have my ways… but look at you. All grown up.”
I stared up at him. Into the sky blue eyes which matched my own. I hated that I looked so much like him. I wished I had more of Mum in me.
“What do you want?”
I tried to pry his fingers off my arm, but he snatched my other hand and wrenched it behind my back. He was far too close now. My scars itched and a chill ran down my spine.
“Now the Daniels are gone, you’re mine again, Ellie. Mine to do what I want with.”
“W…What?”
Was he crazy? I didn’t belong to him. He sold me. He didn’t have the rights to anything. My father was a drug addict, a wife beater and a worthless piece of shit.
“Did you think I wouldn’t come for you?”
“Why? Why now? It’s been two and a half years since they went down. I never told anyone about you. What you did.”
He leant toward me.
“And you won’t. Not if you know what’s good for you. I have need of you. You see, I got myself cleaned up. Run my own little operation now.”
