by John Scalzi
“Oh. Wow,” Robin said.
“That’s what everybody says,” Creek said.
“There’s a reason for that,” Robin said.
“Well, not everybody,” Creek said. “Some species don’t have color perception like we do. Some races of the CC don’t even see.”
“That’s a shame,” Robin said. “They’re missing out. Sometimes it’s good to be human.”
Judge Bufan Nigun Sn yanked at one of his antennae as if in irritation, spidered his legs around his stool, set his cup of coffee on his desk, and pulled out his communicator module from a drawer. “Being we’re on Earth, we’ll have this conversation in English,” the module said, lowering the high-pitched scrapings coming from Sn’s mouthparts into the human and Nidu sonic range. “Does the Nidu representative have a problem with this?”
“Not at all,” said Quua-win-Getag, General Counsel for Nidu’s embassy to the United Nations of Earth.
“And I assume you’re fine with it, Mr. Javna,” Judge Sn said.
“Yes, your honor,” Ben Javna said.
“Good,” Sn said. “Given the extraordinary time constraints involved in this case, I have agreed to this in camera session and will render a decision by the end of this session. While the decision can of course be appealed to a high court, the ruling will not be suspended pending appeal. So this means if you’re not happy with the ruling, you’re shit out of luck. Are we clear?” Both Quua-win-Getag and Javna consented.
“Fine,” Sn said. “And now, Counselor win-Getag, you can explain your government’s damn fool line of reasoning that says a human citizen of the UNE is somehow equivalent to livestock.”
Quua-win-Getag launched into a recap of his government’s legal argument while Judge Sn took the lid off his coffee, descended his sucking mouthpiece into the cup, and sipped gingerly. Javna wasn’t a knowledgeable student of the Wryg, the species to which Judge Sn belonged; nevertheless he suspected Sn was probably more than a little hung over, which explained why he was snippier today than the average Wryg.
“Fine, fine, fine,” Judge Sn eventually said, as Quua-win-Getag began to rehash the particulars of Agnach-u v. Ar-Thaneg for the second time. “I get where you’re going with this. Very innovative, counselor. Amoral and repugnant, but innovative.”
“Thank you, your honor,” Quua-win-Getag said.
Judge Sn glanced over to Javna. “Tell me you’ve got something to counter this crap,” he said.
“Actually,” Javna said, “the UNE would like to stipulate the Nidu assertion that Miss Baker is not human, nor a citizen of the UNE.”
“What?” said Judge Sn.
“What?” said Quua-win-Getag.
“The UNE stipulates that Miss Baker is not human, nor a citizen of the UNE,” Javna said.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” said Judge Sn. “I’ve never been a big fan of the human race, if you want the truth about it. You people have your heads up your asses most of the time. Even so, your one saving grace is that you fight like mad for the rights of your own people. If this represents the true thought of your government, this planet is more of a toilet than I thought it was. You’d be insane to give up a citizen to these lizards.”
“On behalf of my government, I protest those comments,” Quua-win-Getag said.
“Quiet, you,” Judge Sn said to Quua-win-Getag, then turned his attention back to Javna. “Well?”
“I appreciate your candor in your opinion of the human race,” Javna said. “Nevertheless, the UNE stipulates.”
“Well, that’s just great,” said Judge Sn. “Remind me to get working on that request for a new posting as soon as you two clear out of my office.”
“If the UNE stipulates our points, then the entity is indeed our property, and the UNE must present it to us at the earliest opportunity,” Quua-win-Getag said, to Judge Sn. “Nidu asks you to rule such.”
“And I assume you’re perfectly fine with that, too,” Judge Sn said to Javna.
“We are not,” Javna said. “And in fact we request that you dismiss the case on the grounds that the Nidu have no standing to bring the suit in the first place.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Quua-win-Getag said. “The UNE already stipulated that the entity is Nidu property.”
“We stipulated that she is not human and not a UNE citizen,” Javna said. “Which is not the same as saying she’s your property.”
“I’m getting a headache,” Judge Sn said. “Explain yourself, counselor. Be quick and clear.”
“There’s no point arguing that Miss Baker is human. She’s not—she’s a hybrid entity and an entirely new species,” Javna said. “But she’s more than a new species, she’s a new sentient species. The Common Confederation automatically confers special rights on the individuals of newly discovered sentient species to protect them from exploitation by other races. It’s one of the fundamental tenets of the Common Confederation, and in the Confederation’s charter, which every nation must agree to upon entering the CC. Furthermore, the Common Confederation holds each sentient species en masse to be sovereign—again, to prevent their exploitation by other races. It’s up to the chosen governments of those species to enter into treaties and agreements on behalf of its people. This is all well established.”
“Go on,” Judge Sn said.
“Given these facts, Miss Baker’s rights as a new sentient species trump Nidu’s claim to her as property,” Javna said. “Likewise, any treaties that the Earth may have entered into with Nidu are irrelevant regarding the disposition of Miss Baker. She is de facto the governing body of her species, sovereign into her own self, and therefore only she is able to enter into treaties and agreements concerning herself. The UNE recognizes this and relinquishes any claim it has regarding citizenship pending Miss Baker’s own decision to ally her nation to ours. As Miss Baker is sovereign, Nidu has no standing to demand the UNE present her. As Miss Baker is a new sentient species, Nidu has no standing to claim her as property. Basically, Nidu has no standing to bring these suits.”
Judge Sn turned to Quua-win-Getag. “And what do you say to that, counselor?”
Quua-win-Getag blinked hard; he had expected and prepared for Javna to fight for Baker’s citizenship; he was entirely taken aback by this legal tack. “It’s an interesting theory,” Quua-win-Getag said, drawing out his words for effect and to give himself more time to think. “But it’s not proven that the entity is in fact an entirely new sentient species.”
“Really, now,” Judge Sn said. “Which part are you disputing? The ‘sentient’ part or the ‘species’ part?”
“Both,” Quua-win-Getag said. “Neither has been proven.”
“Oh, come on,” Javna said. “Miss Baker attended college and owns her own business. I’m pretty sure that qualifies her as sentient.”
“Agreed,” Judge Sn said. “And as for the species part, Counselor win-Getag, your colleague here has already stipulated your own assertion that Miss Baker is not human. In order for her not to be a new species, I think you would have to assert she is entirely livestock. I don’t think even the Nidu are prepared to go that far.”
“It may not have all the hallmarks of speciation,” Quua-win-Getag said, thinking furiously now. “Species have to be able to pass on their characteristics to their offspring, and it’s not been proven the entity can do that.”
“Are you suggesting we knock up the young lady to prove her status?” said Judge Sn. “I don’t think we have the time for that.”
“For another thing!” Quua-win-Getag said, a little breathlessly. “The entity was genetically engineered from previously known species. Every previously known new sentient species occurred through the natural processes of evolution and not from previously known species.”
“Meaning?” Judge Sn prompted.
“Meaning that genetically engineered entities are not selected for speciation by the processes of evolution,” Quua-win-Getag said. “Therefore they cannot be considered true species. The entity is a one-of
f, unlikely to be reproduced. If she is not truly a new species and the UNE stipulates that she is not human, then legally speaking, she is livestock. And as her species of sheep is already well-known and its characteristics well-noted, the question of her sentience becomes a moot point. She is, legally, Nidu property.”
“Fascinating,” Judge Sn. “You’re so ready to ignore the fact she’s obviously sentient.”
“It’s not my fault the UNE has stipulated she’s not human,” Quua-win-Getag said. “Everything follows from its capitulation on that point of fact.”
“Counselor Javna,” Judge Sn said. “You’re up.”
Javna smiled. Quua-win-Getag didn’t know it, but he’d just maneuvered the case right where Javna wanted it. “Your honor, we grant that all previous examples of sentient species occurred through the natural processes of evolution. But rather than suggest that this limits your honor to rulings based on previous standards, allow me to suggest that this offers another option.”
“Which is?” said Judge Sn.
“To make new law,” Javna said.
Judge Sn’s antennae shot straight up. “What did you say, counselor?” Judge Sn asked.
“Make new law, your honor,” Javna said. “The question of the disposition of artificially created sentient species has never come up before in the history of the Common Confederation. Agnach-u v. Ar-Thaneg came close but the ruling didn’t address issues related to sentience, merely property. This is virgin territory, your honor, and an issue that goes straight to the heart of the mission of the Common Confederation. Indeed, your honor, there may be no more important issue.”
Judge Sn sat there, stock still, for nearly a full minute, mouthpieces moving in tiny little circles. Javna glanced over at Quua-win-Getag, who stared straight ahead at the judge. Javna could hear him grinding his teeth. He knew he’d been outmaneuvered by his human counterpart, who had dangled in front of the judge the one thing that would be utterly irresistible: The opportunity to make new law. In a legal system tens of thousands of years old, there was almost nothing new in the law, merely ever-more-finely parsed restatings of the law as it existed. Offering an ambitious judge the chance to make new law—indeed create an entire new branch off the tree of law—and thus win instant fame and glory in the CC judicial circles was like offering a lamed baby ibex to a starving leopard.
“Okay, I’m ready to rule,” Judge Sn said.
“I hope your honor will not take this opportunity to overstep the parameters of your responsibilities,” Quua-win-Getag said.
“Excuse me?” Judge Sn said. “You show up in my courtroom with a petition to turn a citizen of a member of the Common Confederation into a meat animal, and you warn me about overreaching? Good fucking gravy. You’re in contempt, counselor. You can pay your thousand CC credits on the way out the door. Now shut the hell up. You’re the dipshit who brought the suit and demanded it get ruled on today, so now you’re going to get a ruling.”
“Yes, your honor,” Quua-win-Getag said. “My apologies.” Javna tried very hard not to smile.
“Damn right,” Judge Sn said. “First, regarding the nature of Miss Robin Baker, the court finds that she does, in fact, represent an entirely new species of sentient being. How this species came into being is irrelevant in light of the fact that it is sentient, and as such has sovereign protections under the Common Confederation charter. Likewise as an individual Miss Baker is afforded certain protections under the CC charter.
“As the UNE has disavowed claim to Miss Baker as a citizen, the Nidu suit to have her citizenship revoked is moot and therefore dismissed. As Miss Baker is sovereign, the Nidu suit to compel the UNE to produce Miss Baker is likewise dismissed. I’ll also note, Counselor win-Getag, that if Nidu further attempts to breach its treaties with the UNE on this issue, it will be held to be the defaulting party and as such will be subject to penalties, both financial and diplomatic. If the Nidu want a war with the Earth, you’re not getting any cover for it from the CC. Are we clear on this, Counselor?”
“Yes, your honor,” Quua-win-Getag said.
“Good,” Judge Sn said. “Then we’re done here. The ruling will be published on the court’s site within the hour.”
“You will have our appeal by the end of the day,” Quua-win-Getag said.
“Of course I will,” said Judge Sn. “I’d be deeply disappointed if I didn’t. Now get out. Making new law has made me hungry. I’m going to get a snack.” He exited to find the court’s vending machines.
“Very tricky, counselor,” Quua-win-Getag said, after Judge Sn left. “Although I don’t expect the ruling to make it past appeal.”
Javna shrugged. “Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But by that time, this little crisis of ours is going to be resolved one way or another.”
“Indeed,” Quua-win-Getag said. “Still, I’d like to know how you came up with that line of reasoning.”
“You can thank a rabbi,” Javna said. “And a hot dog.”
On the Neverland, Chuck Gracie sat on his bunk, flipping through pictures in his camera while Evelyn dozed beside him. Most of the pictures were of Evelyn or Evelyn and Gracie together while Gracie held out the camera at arm’s length. Chuck Gracie was one of those people who was of the opinion there was nothing wrong with any scenery that the presence of himself, his wife, or both couldn’t fix. Unfortunately, this fetish made it difficult to find suitable pictures for the regiment newsletter; after previous experiences with Gracie as photojournalist, Dale Turley, the editor of the newsletter, gently suggested to Gracie that he should submit more pictures that didn’t have so much of that Chuck Gracie feel to them.
Here we go, Gracie thought. He’d just clicked on to the picture from the dinner table. True, Gracie was in it, but he was flanked by six other people, plus Hiroki and his fiancée over there in the corner. As an overall percentage, the picture was just 11% Chuck Gracie, which he figured was an acceptable amount for Turley (or Turdley, as Gracie mentally thought of him since the initial “less Gracie” photographic suggestion). Gracie transferred the picture to his communicator, typed a note identifying the people in the picture, and sent both off. Gracie’s communicator synced with the Neverland’s internal network; the network dropped the note and picture into the final burst of data sent out by the Neverland prior to its jump into n-space and thence to Caledonia colony.
About an hour later, the picture and text dropped into the mail queue of Dale Turley, who was putting the finishing touches on this week’s regiment newsletter. Dale opened the mail and, pleased that the overall Chuck Gracie ratio in the picture was indeed low, slapped it into the newsletter at the bottom, typed in the names and location for the picture caption, and then dropped the newsletter into the distribution queue. There it would be printed out for current members of the regiment at their various bases across the U.S., and distributed in electronic form to former and/or veteran members of the 75th Ranger regiment, a host of several thousand ex-rangers, including one Rod Acuna.
“Fuck me running,” Acuna said to himself, as the newsletter and the picture popped up on his communicator. He cleared the newsletter from his communicator screen and punched in Jean Schroeder’s access code. Their lost lamb had been found.
chapter 12
Takk sat on a chair that was too small for him, glanced over at Archie McClellan, and contemplated the fact that he was probably going to have to eat him.
Morally, Takk had no problem with this. Takk, like all Nagch his age, was on his Ftruu, the culturally mandated moral journey in which young Nagch endeavor to experience as many aspects of existence as possible, including the unseemly; this last category could reasonably be expected to include consuming members of other sentient species. During the Ftruu, a Nagch like any member of the CC would be legally liable for his or her actions. So Takk would be on the hook for murder if he were caught.
But as a matter of sin, Takk was in the clear. Nagch experiencing the Ftruu were considered blameless, on the rationale that one of the
objects of the journey was to experience sin and thus better understand it. Unless Takk decided to end it early and return to the fold, he had roughly 14 months left on his Ftruu. After that point, eating humans would be a definite mark against his soul. At the moment, however, he could eat his way through an entire schoolyard with nary a theological burp.
So morals weren’t the issues. Instead, Takk was focused on the practical matters of eating humans: namely, that they tended to come with a number of indigestible components, like watches and communicators and plastic zippers and metal shoe bits and occasionally some things that you simply couldn’t know about until after you’ve eaten someone. That sheep rancher, for example, had had some metal pins and screws in him; Acuna told him that some humans had broken bones screwed back into place rather than fixed up by a QuickHeal session. It was a cost thing. All Takk knew was that they poked uncomfortably. Like every other indigestible item of human accoutrement Takk eventually had to spit them out, otherwise they’d just pile up in his digestive sac and Takk would jangle when he walked and feel them clanging together inside of him. Takk hated that.
Optimally, Takk thought, he’d be able to strip a human out of his stuff before ingesting them. But Takk realized that a situation like that probably wasn’t going to happen. The whole advantage Takk had in dealing with humans was the element of surprise. No human being actually ever expected to be eaten. Ridding them of their clothes and personal objects would pretty much telegraph Takk’s intentions. He had to accept the occasional watch and leg screw as an occupational hazard.
With that in mind, Takk was eyeing McClellan to see how much indigestible crap the human might have with him. Takk was pleased to see that the human appeared to be wearing no jewelry, save for a watch, and especially no earrings, which were small and pointy and difficult for Takk to remove afterward. The human’s clothes likewise appeared fine; digesting humans had made Takk something of a connoisseur of human clothing fabrics, and he could tell by the hang and crumple of Archie’s clothes that they were primarily natural fibers rather than artificial. That meant less of a lump of plastic fibers a day down the line. Then there was that thing Archie had in his hand, which he’d been looking at off and on since Acuna brought him back and told Takk to watch him.
