by Dean Atta
not publicly, not proudly,
not like you.
I couldn’t do what you do,
I couldn’t be so brave, so out there,
not where I live, where I work,
not in my family.
My brother knows
but doesn’t want it to be true.
I’m sorry about what he said to you
and I’m sorry that I lied to you.”
I accept Jack’s apology,
tell him I hope he figures out
his truth and how to tell it.
We hug and go back inside.
But that’s not what happened,
that was just a sweet fantasy.
Just Be a Man
“Can we talk privately?”
“Sure,” I say. I sashay toward
the smoking area and he follows.
It’s not so private but at least
we can hear each other here.
“So, what’s up?” I ask casually.
“What’s all this?” Jack points at me.
“My brother said you were
performing tonight but I thought
it would be poetry, like when
we first met. I didn’t know
it was going to be a gay night
and you’d be dressed like a girl.
I just don’t get this, Mike;
you’re a talented writer,
you don’t need to do all this,
it’s just so embarrassingly extra.
Why can’t you just be a man?”
And he’s shouting at me now.
“Why do you have to hide
behind a costume like this?”
And I don’t know if he’s
talking to me or himself.
“You look ridiculous, Mike,
I’m embarrassed for you.”
And the whole smoking area
is looking at us and I don’t know
if I should say what I truly
want to say to him right now.
Fight or flight?
I scream:
“You’re embarrassed for me?
I don’t need to be a man
for you or anyone else.
I don’t perform for you
or anyone else.
What I wear is for me.
What I perform is for me.
What I write is for me.
I’m my own man
and you’re a frightened
little boy. Who are you
to come here and shout at me?
We slept together once,
Jack. You don’t know me.
You don’t know my story
and I don’t know yours,
but right now I don’t want to.
If this is who you are, Jack,
I don’t want to know you anymore.
I was so excited to see you
here tonight to support me.
I thought we could be friends
or at least get some closure.
Well, this sure is some closure.
You know what? I’m embarrassed, too.
Embarrassed I lost my virginity
to you. What a waste. What a shame.
But you know what? Whatever!”
And this is most of our audience
in the smoking area. They saw
my performance earlier and this,
this is like an encore for them.
They all start to clap and cheer
even louder than before.
I turn and take a bow and when
I turn back there’s no sign of Jack.
Removing my costume
in the dressing room,
I’m retelling the story
to my drag family.
I wish they’d been there,
but I know one of them
would have jumped to my defense
as soon as Jack started shouting.
I defended myself.
Maybe said more than I should
but I feel so good.
Even better than
I could have imagined.
I wish Jack had changed,
I wish he had apologized,
but I’m satisfied having
given him a piece of my mind.
I attempt to return
the borrowed items that
my costume is made of.
“Keep them,” says Katy.
“Even the coat?” I ask.
“Especially the coat.” She laughs.
“An ice-cold queen like you,
you’re gonna need to wrap up.”
Everyone cackles at this.
Katy continues, “Merry Christmas!”
When I try to hand back
the boa to Mzz B, they say,
“It’s yours. You were born
to wear those feathers!”
“Thank you,” I say, “and I’m sorry
for shouting at you earlier.”
Mzz B says, “I knew that anger
was nothing to do with me.”
Epilogue
How to Come Out as Gay
Don’t.
Don’t come out unless you want to.
Don’t come out for anyone else’s sake.
Don’t come out because you think
society expects you to.
Come out for yourself.
Come out to yourself.
Shout, sing it.
Softly stutter.
Correct those who say they knew
before you did.
That’s not how sexuality works,
it’s yours to define.
Being effeminate doesn’t make you gay.
Being sensitive doesn’t make you gay.
Being gay makes you gay.
Be a bit gay, be very gay.
Be the glitter that shows up
in unexpected places.
Be Typing . . . on WhatsApp
but leave them waiting.
Throw a party for yourself
but don’t invite anyone else.
Invite everyone to your party
but show up late or not at all.
If you’re unhappy in the closet
but afraid of what’s outside,
leave the door ajar and call out.
If you’re happy in the closet
for the time being,
play dress-up until
you find the right outfit.
Don’t worry, it’s okay
to say you’re gay and later exchange it
for something else that suits you,
fits, feels better.
Watch movies that make it seem
a little less scary:
Beautiful Thing, Moonlight.
Be southeast London,
a daytime dance floor,
his head resting on your shoulder.
Be South Beach, Miami,
night of water and fire,
your head resting on his shoulder.
Be the fabric of his shirt
the muscles in his shoulder, your shoulder.
Be the bricks, be the sand.
Be the river, be the ocean.
Remember your life is not a movie.
Accept you
will be coming out for your whole life.
Accept advice
from people and sources you trust.
If your mother warns you about STDs
within minutes of you coming out,
try to understand that she loves you
and is afraid.
If you come out at fifteen,
this is not a badge of honor,
it doesn’t matter what age you come out.
Be a beautiful thing.
Be the moonlight, too.
Remember you have the right to be proud.
Remember you have the right to be you.
Acknowledgments
Monumental thanks to Alessandra Balzer for bringing this British book to North Ameri
can readers and to her wonderful colleagues at Balzer + Bray/HarperCollins: Liz Byers, Laura Harshberger, Mark Rifkin, Nellie Kurtzman, Ebony LaDelle, Mitch Thorpe, Kathy Faber, Andrea Pappenheimer, and Kerry Moynagh.
A special thanks to Adriana Bellet and Jenna Stempel-Lobell for making this edition of the book look so incredibly fierce!
The writing of this book was made possible thanks to financial and in-kind support from The Authors’ Foundation, Metal Southend, New Writing South, Seedbed Christian Community Trust, Spread the Word, Tri-Borough Libraries, University of Sussex Development and Alumni Relations Office, and University of Sussex Students’ Union.
Thank you to my family, my friends, and my therapist and my mentors over the years: Benjamin Zephaniah, Charlie Dark, Jacob Sam-La Rose, Peter Kahn, and Polar Bear aka Steven Camden.
Thank you to Michael Twaits and my graduating class of The Art of Drag course, Ben Connors, and Tate London Schools and Teachers for believing in this work at an early stage.
Thank you to my agent, Becky Thomas, for championing my manuscript and finding its first home at Hodder Children’s Books; my UK editor, Polly Lyall Grant, for having the vision to see that what was a collection of poems could be transformed into a verse novel; and Susannah Palfrey for brokering the deal for North American rights.
Thank you to John Agard and Patrice Lawrence for advice and support when stepping into the world of writing for children and young adults; Elizabeth Acevedo, Jacqueline Woodson, Jason Reynolds, Sally Green, and Sarah Crossan, whose books showed me how to do this; Year 10 students at Shoeburyness High School for being such an amazing early audience; Leila Rasheed at Megaphone for the mentoring session at the halfway mark; Malika Booker for the tough love in the final stages; and Amyra Leon, Andrew McMillan, Caroline Bird, Joel Kelly, Joshua Judson, Keith Jarrett, Kostya Tsolákis, Matt Beavers, Sabrina Mahfouz, S. K. Perry, Travis Alabanza, and all the members of Malika’s Poetry Kitchen and Keats House Poets Forum for the feedback and encouragement.
Another special thanks to R. A. Villanueva, who, when I first shared a poem called “The Black Flamingo” at Keats House open mic, said, “That’s gotta be the title of your next book.”
Thank you to Tom, who has supported me throughout this journey, and helped me to believe that happy endings are possible.
For Resources and Support
Amnesty International
www.amnesty.org
The Anne Frank Trust
www.annefrank.org
Educate and Celebrate
www.educateandcelebrate.org
GLAAD
www.glaad.org
Human Rights Campaign
www.HRC.org
It Gets Better Project
www.itgetsbetter.org
LGBT National Help Center
www.glbthotline.org
Stonewall Community Foundation
www.stonewallfoundation.com
About the Author
Photo by Tenee Attoh
DEAN ATTA’s poems deal with themes of race, gender, and identity. He regularly performs across the UK and internationally, and his work has been shortlisted for the Polari First Book Prize and appeared on MTV and BET. The Black Flamingo is his debut YA novel.
You can find him online at www.deanatta.com.
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Copyright
Balzer + Bray is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
THE BLACK FLAMINGO. Copyright © 2020 by Dean Atta. Emojis by Carboxylase / Shutterstock. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.epicreads.com
Cover art © 2020 by ADRIANA BELLET
Cover design and lettering by JENNA STEMPEL-LOBELL
Digital Edition MAY 2020 ISBN: 978-0-06-299031-0
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-299029-7
2021222324PC/LSCH10987654321
FIRST US EDITION, 2020
Originally published in Great Britain in 2019 by Hodder and Stoughton
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