by Rob Loughran
“But,” said the groom, “I’m not getting married until tomorrow.”
Dad said, “I repeat: To my son on the happiest day of his life.”
* * *
“I want,” says the wife, “a boob job.”
“Too expensive,” says the husband, “just rub them old titties with toilet paper.”
“What good will that do?”
“Look what it’s done to your ass.”
* * *
One California surfer dude said to another, “I’m trying to get my girlfriend’s mother out of my life.”
“Tell her to move out.”
“I would, but she owns the house.”
* * *
“You have testified,” said the judge “that you were run over at midnight, in a blinding snowstorm and yet you’re absolutely certain it was your mother-in-law driving the car?”
“That’s correct, your Honor.”
“These are serious charges. How can you be so sure?”
“I recognized her cackle.”
* * *
“This is just a formality,” said the young man, “but I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”
“Who the hell,” said the father, “told you this was just a formality?”
“Your daughter’s obstetrician.”
* * *
“What am I going to do?” said the grieving widower, “What am I going to do? What am I going to do?”
His best friend said, “You’ll find someone else, don’t take it so hard.”
“I know that. But what am I going to do tonight.”
* * *
Why do honeymoons only last a week?
Because seven days make a hole weak.
* * *
Harry has to work a double shift as a department store Santa. He’s so busy that he can’t get to a phone so he asks his boss to stop by and tell his wife he won’t be home until 9:00 pm.
The boss stops by after work and says to Harry’s wife, “I know you’re having money problems.”
“Yeah. Terrible problems. We might lose the house. That’s why Harry took the job as Santa.”
“Tell you what. I’ll give you $350 if you suck my dick.”
“Harry can never find out.”
“I’ll never tell a soul.”
He drops the cash on the counter. She kneels, pulls out the trouser trout and starts bobbing and slurping.
Harry arrives home later and says, “Did my boss stop by to tell you I’d be late?”
“Yes.”
“Good. And did he drop off my $350 Christmas bonus?”
* * *
“I have a unique problem while traveling,” says Brad.
“How may I help you?” replies the travel agent.
“I vacationed in Italy and my wife got pregnant. I vacationed in Argentina and my wife got pregnant. I vacationed in New Zealand and my wife got pregnant. I don’t know what to do.”
“Maybe you should purchase some condoms?”
“Either that, or I’ll just take her with me this time.”
* * *
Two Irishman, Sean and Mike, had grown up together. And of course, when Mike decided to get married it was a foregone conclusion that Sean would be his best man. Following the wedding the booze flowed like water and everyone imbibed freely. Mike walked into the bathroom, and there he saw his new wife and Sean sucking and fucking like little bunny rabbits. But instead of anger or disbelieve, Mike started laughing. His new bride said, “I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I at least imagined you’d be angry instead of tickled pink.”
“What you’re doing is all right,” said Mike. “It’s just quite amusing to me that Sean is so drunk he thinks he’s me.”
* * *
Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?
A bachelor comes home, looks in the fridge and goes to bed. The married man comes home, takes one look at what’s in bed and goes to the refrigerator.
* * *
CHAPTER 3
A woman is an animal, and an animal of not the highest order.
—Edmund Burke
What do you call a female peacock?
A peacunt.
* * *
“Have you fucked your new girlfriend yet?” said one Tyrannosaurus Rex to the other.
“No. We went away for the weekend. I got her drunk and had her in the mood; but then, wouldn’t you know it, she gets her century.”
* * *
An old lady lived alone with her dog. She was cleaning the attic and rubbed a dusty lamp. Out pops a genie who grants her three wishes: “One,” she said, “I never want to worry about money again. Two, I want to be young and beautiful. Three, I want you to change my best friend, my dog, into a handsome prince.”
Poof! Money appears. Poof! She’s beautiful again. Poof! Her dog becomes a prince. They kiss and the dog says, “What a fucking pity you had my balls cut off.”
* * *
What did Bambi say when she ran out of the woods?
“I’ll never do that for five bucks again.”
* * *
Why do elephants have four feet?
Because two feet just won’t satisfy a female elephant.
* * *
An executive arrives at work and his secretary says, “Today’s your mom’s birthday. Did you forget again?”
“Yes, I did. Thank you for the reminder.”
He enters his office and phones the pet store. “My mom’s been recently widowed and I’d like to get her a companion pet.”
“You’re in luck, we have a parrot here that speaks English, French, and Italian. Wonderful companion.”
“Great, have him delivered with a card that reads From Your Loving Son.”
“I gotta tell you buddy, this bird costs $10,000.”
“Nothing is too costly for my mother.”
“Done.”
So the executive waits until late afternoon to call his mom. “Happy Birthday Mom. Did you get the bird?”
“Yes. Thank you,” she says. “It was delicious.”
* * *
The Smiths threw a wild New Year’s Eve party that turned into a drunken orgy. They were having brunch on New Year’s Day when Mr. Smith asks, “I hate to ask you this, but did I buttfuck you on the kitchen floor last night?”
“Darling, you’ll have to be more specific. About what time?”
* * *
Dirty Johnny and his father are in the drugstore and they walk by a display of condoms. “Why do they come in different sized boxes?” asks Dirty Johnny as he holds up a two-pack.
“That’s for when you’re in high school. One for Friday night one for Saturday night.”
Johnny holds up a six-pack, “How about this one?”
“That’s for when you’re in college; two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, two for Sunday afternoon.”
Johnny holds up a 12 pack, “How about this one?”
“That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for March...”
* * *
Dirty Johnny is sitting on Santa Claus’ lap. “What you want for Christmas, little boy?”
“I want a GI Joe and a Barbie.”
“But Barbie doesn’t come with GI Joe. She comes with Ken.”
“You got it wrong fat man. Barbie comes with GI Joe; she fucking fakes it with Ken.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny’s class had a substitute teacher who said, “My name is Miss Prussy. It’s easy to remember because it’s just like pussy but with an r.”
Johnny raised his hand and said, “May I please be excused to go to the bathroom Miss Crunt?”
* * *
Dirty Johnny asked his father, “What’s a penis?”
Dad unzipped his pants and whipped it out. “Johnny, this is a penis. In fact this is a perfect penis.”
“Thanks dad,” said Johnny. He ran across the street to Suzie’s, whipped it out and said, “This is a penis.”
“Yes, and if it was three inches shorter it would be just as perfect as my dad’s.”
* * *
When he was seven years old, Dirty Johnny was charged with the rape of a 32 year old woman. His defense attorney said, “In summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you can’t believe that such a small, undeveloped boy is sexually mature enough to perpetrate a rape. Johnny, would you please?”
Johnny whipped out his dick. The lawyer walked over, grabbed Johnny’s dick and shook it at the jury. “How could this little member be capable of a full erection, let alone a rape?”
“One more shake,” said Johnny, “and you lose the case.”
* * *
The teacher asked the class, “What are the three advantages of breast milk?” Dirty Johnny raised his hand and said, “Breast milk helps to develop the child’s immune system. It contains the proper nutrients. And it comes in these beautiful fucking containers.”
* * *
The teacher asked her class, if they could use the word contagious in a sentence. Suzie raised her hand and said, “Mumps are contagious.”
Dirty Johnny raised his hand and said, “My next-door neighbor’s wife was painting the fence and my dad said. It’s gonna take that cunt ages to paint that fence.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny gets up in the middle of the night and sneaks down the hall. He peeks into his parents’ room while they are having sex and says, “And she yells at me for sucking my thumb.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny asked his grandfather, “Grandpa, what’s the secret to a long happy marriage?”
“Your grandma and I go out for a romantic dinner every Friday night. That keeps us happy.”
“Where do you go?”
“I like Chinese. I don’t care where the fuck she goes.”
* * *
“What part,” asks the teacher, “of the human anatomy gets 12 times bigger when stimulated?”
Sally raises her hand and says, “The penis?”
“You’re going to be disappointed Sally,” says Dirty Johnny. “The iris gets 12 bigger when stimulated. The cock only triples.”
* * *
“I’m thinking,” says the teacher, “of a fruit that’s yellow.”
“Banana,” says Johnny.
“No,” says the teacher, “a lemon. But it shows that you’re thinking. Now I’m thinking of a green vegetable.”
“How about a zucchini,” says Johnny.
“No,” says the teacher, “a pea. But it shows that you’re thinking.”
“Alright,” says Dirty Johnny, “I got something in my pants that’s long and hard and has a pink tip.”
The teacher says, “Your penis?”
“No, my fucking pencil, but it shows that you’re thinking.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny was collecting for his paper route when the widow Mullins answered the door in her bra and panties. She said, “I don’t have your $7.50 this month Johnny; but I’ll let you fuck me.”
“Sure.” Johnny pulls down his pants to reveal a cock so big it hung to his knee caps.
“Oh my,” said the widow Mullins. “This is going to be good.”
Johnny fished in his jacket pocket and pulled out several rubber washers, which he slipped over the head of his dick. “Oh,” said the widow Mullins. “I can take it all. I really can!”
“Not for $7.50 you can’t.”
* * *
The sexual education teacher drew a penis on the blackboard and asked the class, “does anybody know what this is?”
Dirty Johnny stands up and says, “It’s a cock. My dad has two of them.”
“Your father has two penises?” asked the teacher.
“Yeah. The little one he pisses out of and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter’s teeth.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny pulled down his pants and said to the neighbor girl, “This is a cock and you don’t have one.”
She lifted up her skirt and said, “Yeah, but I can get all the cocks I want with one of these.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny and his grandfather fell asleep on the couch watching TV. Grandpa woke Johnny: “Quick, go get your grandma.”
“Grandpa,” said Johnny, “that’s my cock you’re holding.”
* * *
The teacher asked Dirty Johnny during the geography lesson, “Johnny, what’s wrong? You are unusually quiet.”
“I didn’t have no breakfast.”
“Lunch is in 15 minutes. Now, Johnny, back to geography. Where is the Mexican border?”
“In bed fucking my mother, that’s why I didn’t get no breakfast.”
* * *
“Hey mom,” asked Dirty Johnny, “can you knock someone up if you buttfuck them?”
“Sure,” says his mom, “where do you think lawyers come from?”
* * *
“Today class,” says the teacher, “we’re having sex education. How many sexual positions do you think there are?”
Dirty Johnny yells, “Eighteen that I’ve seen my sister do.”
“Eighteen? That’s inventive, but we’ll start,” says the teacher, “with the most basic. It’s called ‘Missionary’ and it’s the man on top of the woman.”
“Shit,” says Johnny. “Make that 19.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny’s dad comes home and Dirty Johnny and his grandmother are having sex on the couch. “Johnny,” yells dad, “what the hell are you doing?”
“Hey,” said Johnny, “you fuck my mom what’s it to you if I fuck yours?”
* * *
“Johnny,” said the teacher, “what’s the difference between realistically and theoretically?”
“Take my home life. I asked my mom and sister if they’d have sex with any man for a $1,000,000. They both said yes. So theoretically I’m living with two millionaires; but realistically I’m living with a couple of high priced whores.”
* * *
Suzie said to Dirty Johnny, “I know how babies are made.”
“Big fucking deal,” said Johnny, “I know how they’re not made.”
* * *
After a particularly crude and obscene joke Dirty Johnny’s teacher asks, “Don’t you know any jokes that aren’t filthy?”
“Only one,” says Johnny.
“Oh, please tell me?”
“Okay, a clean joke. I took a bath with bubbles.”
“That’s clean, but it’s not funny.”
Johnny says, “Bubbles is my fucking babysitter.”
* * *
Suzie runs up to her mom, “Can I have a baby?”
“Of course not.”
Suzie runs down the hall, “You were right Johnny, same game! Same game!”
* * *
Dirty Johnny has the next door neighbor girl on the couch. Johnny is feeling her up and kissing her. Then he says, “God, I’d love to get into your pants.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. I just came in mine.”
* * *
The teacher asks the class, “There are eight birds on a fence. Farmer Bill shoots three. How many are left?”
Everyone except Dirty Johnny says, “Five.”
Johnny says, “None. Even if he didn’t kill any they’d all fly away when they heard the gun.”
“Mathematically,” said the teacher, “you’re wrong, but I like the way you think.”
“I got one for you, teach. Three women are sitting on a park bench eating lollipops. One is licking it, one’s biting it, and one’s sucking it. Which one’s married?”
“The one sucking it?”
“No. The one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think.”
* * *
Suzie and the girls asked Dirty Johnny if he wanted to play house with them. “Sure,” he said, “which one of you is gonna be the madam?”
* * *
“Mommy,” asked Dirty Johnny, “what’s an Oedipus
complex?”
“Just shut up and keep licking my pussy you little bastard.”
* * *
“Mommy,” asked Dirty Johnny, “why can’t I play with the other children?”
“Just shut up and deal.”
* * *
A math teacher asked Dirty Johnny, “If I gave you $200 and you gave $50 each to Suzie, Sally, and Mary what would you have?”
Dirty Johnny replied: “An orgy.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny’s mom, tired of his preoccupation with breasts, takes him to a psychiatrist who guarantees results after one session. On the way to the doctor’s office Johnny kept pointing and saying, “Check out those titties! What a fucking rack! I’d love to bury my face in those!”
Following an intensive three hour session they pass the high school on the way home. Perky pubescent girls are everywhere, but not a peep out of Johnny about breasts. They stop at the store and Johnny isn’t ogling the cover of Cosmopolitan. They pull up in front of their house. The mailman is walking by and drops a letter. He bends over to pick it up and Johnny says, “Check out the righteous ass on that mailman.”
* * *
The teacher said, “I want you to think of a three syllable word and then use it in a sentence. Leroy stood and said, “Beautiful. It is a beautiful day outside.”
Sam stood and said, “Wonderful. Disneyland is wonderful.”
Dirty Johnny said, “Urinate. Teacher you’re-an-eight. But if your tits were bigger you’d be a ten.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny and his friend Melvin are reading magazines. Johnny’s grandma enters the room and says, “What nice little boys, reading quietly. Melvin, what are going to be when you grow up?”
