by Rob Loughran
Melvin held up his copy of Sky and Telescope: “I’m going to be an astronaut.”
“Commendable. Johnny what are you going to be when you grow up?”
Johnny held up his copy of Playboy: “I’m just gonna be grown up.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny and Melvin were arguing:
“My dad’s better than your dad,” said Melvin.
“No he’s not.”
“My brother’s better than your brother.”
“No he’s not.”
“My sister’s better than your sister.”
Johnny hesitated, then said, “You got me there, Melvin.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny had a big time crush on the young substitute teacher. He followed her around all week, stayed in at recess and helped her clean the blackboards after school. One day she said, “Johnny, I can tell by the way you look at me that you have a schoolboy crush on me. But I don’t want a child.”
“Fine,” Johnny said, “I’ll wear a rubber.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny is walking home with Wendy. She says, “Johnny, you’re the first boy I’ve ever loved.”
“Dammit,” says Johnny, “another fucking rookie.”
* * *
Dirty Johnny says, “Hey mom, how do lions fuck?”
“I really don’t know,” says mom. “All your father’s friends are either Elk or Moose.”
* * *
“You need to eat a high fiber diet,” the doctor told the heart patient, “quit smoking, and get some exercise.”
“What about sex?”
“Just with your wife. We don’t want you getting too excited.”
* * *
A man arrives at the emergency room; the doctor approaches him and says, “Your wife’s been in a terrible car accident, she’s a paraplegic and brain-dead. You’ll have to spend the rest of your life caring for her.”
“But doc, I’m only 25 years old. She might live another 60 years; I can’t spend the rest of my life taking care of an invalid.”
“You won’t have to,” says the doctor. “I was just fucking with you. She’s dead.”
* * *
Two lawyers hire a stunning new secretary and a contest begins between them to bed her. They both end up sleeping with her the day of the Christmas party and meet afterwards for drinks and bragging rights. “So what do you think about her cocksucking?” asks the first partner.
“My wife is better.”
“You’re right.”
* * *
A couple visit a sex therapist who asks the wife, “What do you think is the biggest problem with your sex life?”
“My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”
“Is this true?” the therapist asks the husband.
“I don’t actually suffer,” he replies. “She does.”
* * *
When a lawyer asked the woman why she was divorcing her husband. She said, “Hobosexuality.”
“Don’t you mean homosexuality?”
“No, hobosexuality. He’s a bum fuck.”
* * *
“Is this Thomas Knopf?” asked the voice on the phone.
“Yes it is. May I help you?”
“Yes. My wife got this crazy notion she could make a living as a prostitute and she started turning tricks.”
“This is Thomas Knopf with one f. I’m a financial planner. You want Dr. Thomas Knopff with two F’s. He’s a psychiatrist and right below me in the phone book.”
“No, it’s you that I want. I need you to help me invest all the money my wife’s making.”
* * *
A man has his wisdom teeth pulled and his wife visits right after the operation. She walks into the hospital room and he says, “Honey, yer beautiful.” She kisses him gently on the cheek and leaves. An hour later, she reenters and he says, “Honey, you look like shit today.”
“Whatever happened to: Honey, yer beautiful?”
“I guess the drugs are wearing off.”
* * *
A woman visits the gynecologist and says, “My piss is coming out in four streams.”
He props her up in the stirrups and goes down for a peek. He starts laughing uncontrollably. She says, “This isn’t funny. This is a serious gynecological condition.”
“Serious? I don’t think so. Just give me a minute or two to fish that button out.”
* * *
The young lady rushed into the living room and said to her father, “Chuck asked me to marry him.”
“Congratulations.”
“But I told them I just couldn’t leave you and mom.”
“I’ll be fine,” he said. “You can take your mother with you.”
* * *
The waiter asked the couple on their first date what they wanted to eat. The lady said, “I’ll start with the oysters, then French onion soup, a Caesar salad, rack of lamb, a lobster tail, and start preparing an order of chocolate crepes for dessert.”
“Jesus,” said the man, “do you eat like this at home?”
“No,” she said. “But no one at home is going to lick my pussy and fuck me for an hour.”
* * *
“Sir, I respectfully ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”
“What do you do for a living, boy?”
“I manage a steakhouse.”
“My daughter has grown up with the best of everything. She has a very demanding sense of fashion and style, and I’ve always had a problem keeping her in clothes.”
“I know what you mean, I got that problem myself.”
* * *
“Honey, we’ve been married a year and you have yet to suck my dick.”
“That’s because you wouldn’t respect me if I did.”
“Yes I would.”
“No. You wouldn’t.”
“Yes I would.”
Convinced, she pulls his pants down then kneels and gargles on his cock. He comes on her tonsils and the phone rings. He answers it and says to his wife, “It’s for you, cocksucker.”
* * *
“Grounds for divorce?” asked the Judge.
“She won’t do it doggie-style, your honor,” said Brad.
“That’s a relatively minor objection, Mrs. Morrison,” said the Judge. “Every couple must compromise a little in the bedroom.”
“When he says doggie-style, your Honor. He means on the front lawn.”
* * *
A husband comes home from the bar and the wife says, “You’ve come home fucking half-loaded again?”
He says, “That’s just because I run out of fucking money again.”
* * *
“Honey,” said the wife, “do you remember those marlin you went fishing for down in Florida last summer?”
“Yeah?”
“One of them just called. She’s pregnant.”
* * *
A man walks into his bedroom to see his wife sucking another man’s cock. “Who the fuck is this?” he screams.
She spits out the guy’s dick and says to her husband, “Now that’s a fair question.” Then to her lover, “What is your name?”
* * *
“You came home from work, found your wife sucking a strange man’s dick. Then you pulled out a pistol and shot your wife. Is that correct?”
“Yes Judge, it is.”
“Just out of curiosity, why did you shoot your wife, and not her lover?”
“I figured getting the bitch out of the way would be easier than shooting a man every other day.”
* * *
A man who just moved to Seattle walks into the local bar and orders a triple scotch. “Troubles?” asks the bartender.
“I think my wife is having an affair with a younger man.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because we just moved to Seattle from Dallas and we have the same paperboy.”
* * *
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
You buy a u
sed car for your teenaged son and find her panties in the back seat.
* * *
A man brought his golfing buddy home to get something to eat. He walks in and his wife is fucking the UPS guy on the living room couch. The man and his friend walk to the kitchen and the husband calmly starts making two sandwiches. “What about the UPS guy?” asks the friend.
“Fuck him; he can make his own sandwich.”
* * *
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
After five years the job still sucks.
* * *
A wife says to her husband, “If you don’t buy me a new wardrobe I’ll start running around the neighborhood naked. What will the neighbors think then?”
“They’ll think I married you for your brains.”
* * *
The husband strolls in to discover his wife sucking his best friend’s dick. “No point,” says the friend, “fighting over this. I’ll play you a game of cribbage for her.”
“Okay,” says the hubby, “but let’s play a dime-a-hole to keep it interesting.”
* * *
Right in the middle of fucking his wife the husband stopped and said, “Are you all right?”
“Yes, why?”
“You moved.”
* * *
A woman returns home from a business trip; and her husband and six year old son greet her at the door, “Mommy, mommy the neighbor lady came over last night. Daddy took off all her clothes and they lay down on the couch.”
She asks her husband, “Is this true?”
Her husband was speechless, but their six year old says, “Then they did exactly what you and Uncle Ronald do when daddy is out of town!”
* * *
A women packs her bags and says, “Fuck you Fred, I’m leaving.”
“That’s cute,” he says, “how are you going to support yourself?”
“Hookers in Atlantic City charge $250 for a blowjob. I’ll get by”
“Wait,” the husband runs upstairs and returns with a suitcase. “I’m going with you. I want to see how you can possibly live on $750 a year.”
* * *
“Honey,” she says to her fiancée, “will you still love me when we’re married?”
“Probably. I’ve always been quite fond of married women.”
* * *
The morning following their first night together the newlyweds went out for breakfast. “I’ll have,” said the groom, “a three-egg Florentine omelet, with rye toast and sausage. And bring some lettuce for my wife.”
“Why,” asked the puzzled bride, “did you order lettuce for me?”
“I want to see if you also eat like a rabbit.”
* * *
“What’s the matter?” said the young wife to her husband.
“I have a huge problem.”
“We’re married. Your problems are my problems. There is no I in this marriage only a we. Now, what’s wrong?”
“We’ve just conceived a child with my secretary.”
* * *
“How should I let you know when I want to make love?” signed the deaf bride to her husband on their first night together.
“Just pull on my penis once,” he signed back.
“How should I let you know when I don’t want to make love?”
“Just pull on my penis 257 times.”
* * *
Joe was glued to the television set, following every game of the NBA playoffs. His wife Nancy walked into the living room and flicked off the television set, “I’m sick of sports. You haven’t touched me in months. You hardly speak to me. All you do is watch fucking sports. We need to talk about sex.”
“Okay. We’ll talk about sex.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. How often do you think Shaquille O’Neal gets laid?”
* * *
What’s Niagara Falls?
A bride’s 2nd biggest disappointment.
* * *
How do you know if you’re a real loser?
When you call a 900 number and the girl says, “Not tonight asshole, I’ve got a headache.”
* * *
What you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 25 feet of garden hose?
Sweetie pie.
* * *
Why is divorce central to the American economy?
If it weren’t for divorce, where would coffee shops get all their bitchy waitresses?
* * *
His last day on the job, the retiring mailman was delighted to see Mrs. Simpkins answer the door naked. She pulled his pants down and gave him a blowjob on the porch; then she took him inside and they screwed on the floor. Then she served him soup, salad, and a sandwich. As he was leaving she handed him $20. “Why,” he asked, “are you paying me?”
“You can thank my husband.”
“Your husband?”
“I told him you are retiring and we should get you a gift. He said, Fuck him. Give him $20. The lunch was my idea.”
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