"Will you do me a favour, Garth?" Snow whispered. "Probably, ol' friend, probably. What is it?" "Kill me."
Garth paused, and a murderous scowl transformed the visible parts of his face into something very intimidating. Snow didn't glance up to catch it. "If you ever say that to me again," Garth growled slowly, "I will make you regret it."
"Knock me out, then," Snow replied in the same ghost of a voice, closing his eyes. "Please just do something to make this stop. I don't know what I'm feeling and I want to get away from it for a while. Please, Garth."
The scowl went away as quickly as it had come. Without a word, Garth passed his thick, gloved hand over Snow's forehead. A simple thread of strange power jumped between them and Snow went limp in a second, breaths slowing and deepening, colour coming back into his cheeks. "Could you get a stretcher or something, colonel?" Garth said to Stag, who was crouched beside them.
"Already did. They're on their way," Stag replied. He studied Snow for a while. "We need to talk as soon as possible, so I can send reinforcements after Rem."
Garth shook his head. "No, sir. You'll just kill them. The way isn't meant for people like us. I think Cadno made it because something helped us. Half of us, at least. It was a one-time thing, to open the way for Rem. He'll be okay on his own."
Stag considered it for a while before nodding. "All right. I trust your word. But still—we need to talk."
"Of course, colonel."
Elstrin spoke up timidly. "Um. Is he going to… recover? What… exactly happened, when Rem left like that?"
Garth looked at him as if noticing him for the first time. There was a thick rope of scar tissue where his right eye should've been. "You the kid he was training?"
"Yes. I… I just want to know if he'll be okay."
"Yeah, he's gonna be fine," Garth said, patting Snow's shoulder.
He didn't sound too sure.
Chapter 25
Vel woke up to warm sunshine on his face, the first chill of winter kept at bay by the infirmary's walls. His heart felt heavy. Another beautiful day. He turned his head to find Kana and Elstrin there, talking quietly. He had just two close friends left here, now that Andrew was gone. It was an awkward, too-small number that he didn't like. And something seemed amiss; something had changed as he slept through his confused fever dreams, trying to reach his dead lover.
It was almost time to confront it. He didn't want to.
They were glad to see him awake, a sort of distracted, layered gladness shadowed by other
looming matters. Those matters were made known soon after they exchanged empty pleasantries and Elstrin launched into the fantastic, packed tale of the events that had happened almost immediately after Vel had fallen unconscious in the outer hall. A not-quite-ghost called Lilea that Vel had unwittingly set free after the Salt Hex. A strange boy named Rem (Vel had missed Snow's speech about him, so they had to reiterate that too) who had, as a best guess, performed some profound magic many years ago and somehow produced Lieutenant Snow, like a lesser, simpler, saner mirror copy of himself—and severed that same link yesterday because he had to leave. An elite team of soldiers, Cadno, that had been gone two years and come back in the nick of time, or maybe by design. Vel didn't really believe in destiny, but it all seemed very connected. A secret place that nobody but Cadno knew fully about, a place that Rem would travel to and get better, because he was and had been sick for a long time. The barrier around HQ was currently completely unmaintained, but that was okay—it had stabilised once removed from Rem's conflicting, jagged magic, and merely morphed into a powerful network of shields and spells that Snow would know how to manage. Providing the man ever woke up.
With all the commotion going on from Rem's departure and the discoveries of Cadno, Vel's incident in the city had sort of slipped under the radar, for now at least—even though, from what he gathered, it had directly caused the events that led to complete, fundamental change in Mernot HQ. He found that he didn't mind. If people weren't paying attention to him, then they wouldn't talk about Andrew, and he liked it that way. Being alone with his grief, getting to know it and tame it. He realised that all through Elstrin's stumbling recount, aided by Kana's more logical, less overwhelmed comments, he was still primarily thinking of Andrew. After all, it was finally over, right? All the looping secrets that he'd felt compelled to reveal ever since Damien had died… he had reached the end of the chain. Grieving sorcerers and black magic and stupid actions and stupid reactions, incomprehensible powers beyond their control and the simple, immensely sad fact that soldiers fought, and soldiers died. End of the chain. Now they all got to sort through the rubble and pick up their pieces, and Vel thought he ought to start with Andrew.
It was almost time, and Vel felt ready. But he still didn't want to. He suspected none of them did. Nobody wanted to step back and zoom out and realise just how much damage the tidal wave had left behind. That was a job for the seagulls and scavengers, not survivors.
x
"Have you found it yet?"
Elstrin looked over from his study of the training field. "What?"
"When we first met," Vel murmured, drawing lines into the dirt with his pinky finger. They were sitting in the shade of a tree, waiting for Kana to come back with their drinks, which they'd forgotten on the first run to the cafeteria, so they could have a quick, impromptu picnic before Andrew's memorial service commenced in an hour. Elstrin had wanted to spend most of his time outdoors in the two days following Rem's departure, for some weird reason he couldn't really fathom. He thought that maybe the already-fresh mountain air smelled even sweeter lately. "Well, the second time we talked, actually. You said you came up here for soul-searching. So have you found it yet?"
"You remembered?" Elstrin said, impressed. He'd forgotten, though the memory was easy to recall now that it was mentioned. It seemed like he'd talked to a different Vel Matthews back then, sitting at the old drum kit with a wry smile at the corner of his lips. Both of them had been different.
"Yeah, I remember," Vel said softly, scratching a row of half-moons into his pattern. Some sort of fish-creature.
"Well… I guess I have. I mean, I was really enjoying life up here before… all that crazy stuff happened."
"That's good."
"Yeah. I'll probably keep on training once everything's settled down again. Um, how about you? Will you stay?"
"I don't know."
"I'd be cool if you did," Elstrin said honestly. Vel smiled a little and added spindly legs to the fish, so it abruptly became a skinny lizard-thing.
"I hope Gabriel shows up later."
"He probably will. I hope Snow does too."
"He probably will," Vel returned. He lengthened the lizard's neck, gave it large claws and a pair of wings, and it morphed into a dragon. Elstrin thought of the tall white dragon that had emerged from HQ along with the dusty soldiers. Gille, Gabriel had called it. He repeated the name to himself, in case he ever met it again.
Kana returned with three glasses of cold lemonade. They ate, and talked, and sometimes shared long, comfortable silences. They didn't really laugh.
The soldiers' graveyard was not a direct part of HQ proper; it stood on the left of the army base, a large, carefully-tended swathe of green grass sheltered by a low arm of rocky hills, studded with clean white headstones placed at perfect intervals. They were guided through the outer gate to the main road, then along a soft branching path that led to the almost-secret space. Everything had been set up and readied when the two hundred and ninety-nine cadets arrived. Empty, rectangular, freshly-dug grave. Flowers and polished oak coffin and photo. Podium for the speaker and fold-out chairs for the audience. The neatness of it all reminded Elstrin absurdly of a posh all-boys' school assembly.
A handful of people were already there: Andrew's parents, sitting with some teenagers he
assumed were Andrew's friends. Diva was there, looking lonely and beautiful, hair shining like wine and skin pale as alabaster. Vel made a beeline f
or her and wrapped her in a wordless hug, murmuring what sounded like an apology into her ear. Beside her was Keri, sombre and quiet in a simple black dress, holding a single thorned rose in her hands. She looked around as the cadets filed into their seats and smiled at Elstrin.
Further away, half-hidden beneath the purple shadow of a knotted yew tree at the side of the graveyard, were two figures. There was a headstone standing within the tree's roots, set apart from the precise grid of the others, a white gleam scattered with old flowers. Elstrin squinted and thought they were Gabriel and Snow; one of them wasn't in uniform, and the other had pale hair. They didn't come closer, not even when everyone had settled down and Colonel Stag stepped onto the podium to begin his speech.
The procession was simple. Stag talked about things Elstrin expected to hear, about honour and bravery and sacrifice. Andrew's mother delivered a short, wavering eulogy about how glad she was that Andrew had spent his final days in HQ, living out his dreams. It was important, she said, that he had been happy. It was all they'd ever wanted.
And because it was a funeral, something Elstrin had never attended before and hoped he'd never have to attend again, he thought it fitting to make a private little memorial service himself. As the speeches ended and they stood, watching the coffin being lowered slowly into the grave in the wintry sun, he curled his fingers against his left thigh, a feather-light touch that stirred up the last imaginary threads lingering there. He recalled an insubstantial smile hovering before him, the snap of a boy's ghost breaking away from his corporeal body. "Goodbye, Max," he murmured under his breath, barely mouthing the words.
The coffin hit the ground with a low, strangely peaceful thud, and the row of lieutenants standing on either side of it fired a volley into the air with their polished rifles. The noise cracked through the silence. A lone trumpet sounded, playing a clear, heartbreakingly heroic tune. Somewhere in front of Elstrin, Vel started to sob.
x
It rained the day after the funeral. One of those abrupt onsets of weather that sometimes hid behind the mountains then pounced on HQ in a sudden ambush. Training was still on hold, a fact that they were all glad for, especially when the field was turning into freezing mud under the insistent showers. Elstrin spent the morning in bed with Kana, warm and reluctant to move (and also a little sore), listening to the drumming of water on glass as the rain eased and swelled with the wind. Then they went to find Vel. They hadn't left his side for more than a few moments during the day, even though they rarely spoke much together. Kana, who seemed to have more experience with this kind of thing, said that Vel would make it clear if he wanted time on his own. Until then, he would appreciate some company.
Nobody answered when they knocked on his door in Apartment A. The next choice was the cafeteria, which yielded no results, which left the graveyard. They grabbed a few umbrellas and headed through the ruined outer hall. There were guards posted there, but nobody stopped them. Both the code yellow and the cadets' supervised curfew had been lifted. There was no need to explain why; everyone knew, to some degree, that Rem had dragged away all his troubles with him when he left.
Not surprisingly, they found Vel there already, sitting by Andrew's grave with his shoulder
against the headstone, eating a plate of sandwiches nonchalantly. He waved them over. Kana leaned the spare umbrella on the headstone, wrinkling his nose. "Your food's getting soggy."
"Whatever," Vel replied, not touching the umbrella. "I like the rain."
"I know." Kana sat down on the lush grass beside him, heedless of the water. Elstrin stayed standing, not wishing to get his pants wet, though it made for some potential fun later when they'd have to take a shower to clean up. Kana tried to steal a sandwich and Vel elbowed him away with a scowl.
"Get your own."
"I don't want to walk all the way back. Come on, you've got four. These are fucking cocktail sandwiches. Why are they even serving these?"
"They're leftovers from the funeral. There was this special buffet thing afterwards but it was just
for the family and stuff. I missed out—too busy crying my eyes out—but Diva got the staff to save a plate for me. She's persuasive like that." His tone was still casual and light, almost normal. Elstrin felt a swell of pride for him. "Unlike you."
"Hey, I can be very persuasive," Kana argued. "I finally got Elstrin to—"
"Oh for god's sake, shut up," Elstrin sighed. "You're horrible. And so disrespectful. Look where we are."
"I was going to say I finally got you to try fries with ice cream, which you thought were gross,
and boy were your presumptions wrong. What, did you think I was going to tell him I finally fucked you last night? That is a pretty disrespectful thing to say at a graveyard."
Vel surprised them by laughing. The smile that lingered after it was brief, but warm. "Congratulations. Now leave the poor guy alone. Elstrin, you should go talk to Snow."
Elstrin's spluttering, embarrassed retort froze in his throat immediately. "What?"
Vel pointed behind him, at the yew tree. Kana used the opportunity to sneakily take a sandwich. "He's over there. He was there before I arrived. Gabriel dropped by to see him a while ago, but he didn't stay for long. Snow hasn't moved, so he probably thought you guys would come over because of me, and then he'd want to talk to you." Vel raised an eyebrow. "That guy's so weird. Can't he just go find you if he wants to talk?"
"Um, yeah, he does things the strange way. Thanks for telling me," Elstrin said. He added, "Enjoy your lunch."
He turned away just as Vel let out an indignant "Oi!" and tried to reclaim Kana's sandwich, which was already half-gone. Elstrin smiled to himself and walked towards the tree. Its low, splaying branches made deep shadows in the overcast gloom, so it wasn't until he was halfway there that he realised someone was sitting on the wrought-iron bench beside the headstone.
As he got closer, he started to think that maybe Vel had been wrong. Snow didn't look like he was waiting, but more like he had no energy to get up and leave, his mind faraway and wandering, not interested in steering his physical self anywhere. He sat at one end of the bench, hands folded on his lap, so still he was almost a statue. His blue eyes appeared cobalt in the shade. The dim white shape behind him that Elstrin had mistook for a tarp suddenly shifted, almost making him yelp and jump back. It was the one-eyed dragon. It lifted its long, serpentine neck and stared at him. Its head was as long as Elstrin's arm, pupil the size of his fist. After a second, it blinked and lowered its head onto Snow's lap, tail swishing in a wide arc. Snow shifted his hand to put it between the dragon's twisting horns, and stopped moving again.
Elstrin stood there, unsure. "I'm… glad you woke up," he said at last. It sounded a little morbid, but it was better than I'm glad you're okay, because he clearly wasn't. Snow's expression remained distant and blank.
"I didn't want to," he murmured into the air. "But Garth told me to stop running and face it."
Elstrin sat down carefully and shared the umbrella, though it was pointless: Snow was completely soaked already, though he wasn't shivering. It just felt a little safer, or at least less awkward, when there was an umbrella between them. The dragon watched him lazily, flicking out its tongue once. "Who is he?" Elstrin asked.
"Garth? Just an old friend of mine. And this is Gille."
"Oh, um… hello," Elstrin tried, glancing at the creature's sea-green eye nervously. It merely flicked its tongue again, unperturbed by his presence. He thought dragons couldn't be tamed, but then again he thought a lot of things wrong. "Snow?"
"Yes, Elstrin?"
"How… how are you?" Elstrin asked quietly.
Snow heaved a small, shallow sigh and finally met Elstrin's eyes. His pupils were wide in the shadows. Rain clung to his pale lashes like dew on a dandelion, and in that moment he looked more beautiful than Elstrin had ever seen him—sad and lost and utterly unable to escape the pain inside him, he was still so beautiful. Now Elstrin understood why Rem had pushed him away
: if he'd stayed, they'd probably both descend into the slow, crushing throes of dark madness, and nobody would ever dream of hurting someone like Snow in that way. No matter how terrible the alternative, Rem had taken it.
"Imagine the most important person in your life," Snow said in a dull voice. Elstrin looked over towards Kana—because it was difficult to hold Snow's gaze without, somehow, wanting to cry—the sound of his and Vel's conversation no longer discernable through the rain. "And multiply that importance by a thousand. Imagine you literally shared every moment of your life with him, waking and sleeping, and he is the person you would sacrifice anything for. And now he's gone. Just like that. Radio silence, and I don't know where he is and where I stand without him. How I feel is… I can't describe it."
"Can I do anything to help?"
"No," he mumbled. "It's my own battle to fight."
"Nothing at all?" Elstrin insisted. He would keep insisting until something came up; it was the very least he could do. He refused to be absolutely useless and let Snow deal with this alone.
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