“Because I tempted karma by breaking our code. We have it for a reason.”
“Yeah, to keep peace among the team,” Finn said. “But that’s when two guys both want the same girl. Or if you mess with someone’s sister. That wasn’t the case with you and Shane, now was it?”
“No.” He exhaled a long breath. Not this time.
“So…what’s the real problem here?”
It was something he didn’t want to dredge up. Something he’d kept buried for more than a decade because if it saw the light of day, he’d fall back into that black pit it had taken him years to crawl out of. He’d been topside for nearly a year when he’d met Stacy. He’d fallen hard and fast for her and for a brief time, he’d found happiness again.
And someone else had suffered for it. Again.
Drawing his brows in, he leaned forward and glared at them. “I’m toxic. She deserves a hell of a lot better. I’m staying away because I love her, all right? Let’s just leave it at that.”
He slumped back in his chair with enough force to send it rolling a few inches.
“You done talking bullshit?” Finn asked, brows raised. “Because I’m done hearing it.”
“Me, too.”
“Gotta side with the boys on this.” Terry nodded.
Finn rolled up his sleeves and stared him down. “You were not responsible for anyone’s death. It was one hundred percent a part of life. That’s it. Bad things happen in life, and blaming someone for it is wrong. I learned that the hard way. Blaming something or someone for actions that are out of our control isn’t wise. Again, I learned that the hard way. Blamed that Marine for ruining my naval career because I went in the building to get him and it exploded, tearing up my hip and leg. The poor guy lost his own leg. It wasn’t my fault or his. I didn’t cause the explosion. He didn’t cause the explosion. We were both in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s it.”
The stiffness left Liam’s shoulders and he blew out a breath. He’d heard about the mission Finn’s team had caught and how it’d gone down. Finn was right. Wrong place. Wrong time. “That was a tough one.”
“Yeah. A tough break,” Finn said. “So why does that make yours different?”
He cocked his head. “Because it was different.”
Finn’s brows crashed together. “How the fuck was it different, Liam? Because it happened to your team?”
The guy just didn’t get it.
Liam shook his head. “Because it happened to DaSilva.”
Finn blinked. “I know. It’s awful. But it sounds like you have a different meaning.”
A pounding started in his head and he resisted the urge to rub his temples.
“Considering the first time I broke the code his sister died and the second time I broke it he died? Yeah. It means I’m goddam toxic and I don’t want Stacy anywhere the fuck near me.”
There. He’d said it. Put it out in the open. Admitted he was responsible for two people’s deaths.
There was a family out there without a daughter and son. A brother and sister. And Liam was the common factor.
“What do you mean, first time?” Brett asked.
Liam shoved a hand through his hair, squeezed the back of his neck and forced out a long, slow breath.
“Yeah.” Finn nodded. “You never broke it while I was on the team.”
Swallowing a curse, Liam released the back of his neck, frustration ricocheting through him, knotting his gut. “It was before then. Right after BUDs training. I met Marisol DaSilva at the graduation festivities. Roberto introduced us. We were both young and so full of piss and vinegar, we thought we were invincible.”
Finn nodded. “Been there, done that.”
“You said Roberto introduced you two?” Terry asked.
Liam nodded.
“So, he wasn’t concerned about that code you talked about?”
“No,” Liam replied. “He saw how his sister and I hit it off and gave his blessing. His whole family had. He was best man at our wedding two months later.”
Finn went brows up. “What?”
“You were married?” Brett’s brow rose, too.
“Yeah.” He nodded. “And a widower a week later.”
Chapter Eighteen
Liam’s heart no longer squeezed over that loss, but the guilt remained. Would always remain.
Finn reeled back. “Fuck.”
“Sorry, man.” Brett slumped against the door. “Does your sister know?”
Liam shook his head. “None of my family ever knew. Or the team. Just Roberto.” He sat back in his chair. “I vowed never to break that damn code again.”
Finn’s chin lifted. “Until Stacy.”
“Until Stacy.” He nodded again. He’d vowed never to give his heart away too…until Stacy. “And four weeks later, Roberto died.”
“That still wasn’t your fault,” Terry said. “Neither of those deaths were.”
He rubbed his temples. “I respectfully disagree. Seems simple to me. I broke a code and Marisol died. Broke it again and her brother died. I am the common factor.”
“No,” Terry said. “You were the unfortunate survivor.”
He snorted as heat rolled in his gut. “You’ve got the unfortunate part right.”
“For years, I blamed myself for my best friend’s death,” Terry said quietly, and by the way Brett and Finn reeled back, Liam guessed the man was talking about their father. “We were both running to the Humvee because we both wanted to drive. Bill always could outrun me. Stepped on an IED.”
Christ…
Liam’s chest tightened. He’d seen what those devices could do to a vehicle. A body.
“Sorry, Terry,” Brett said, setting a hand on the guy’s shoulder. “We never blamed you.”
Finn nodded. “Part of war.”
“Then I spent nearly two decades feeling guilty for falling in love with his widow,” Terry stated into the quiet trailer.
It took a few seconds for that to sink in. “Damn, that’s tough, Terry,” Liam said. “Sorry.”
“Is that why you waited until I told you to quit pining after my mother and make a move?” Finn asked.
Terry shrugged. “Not exactly. That did help, though. Watching you almost let guilt cost you the woman you loved helped me get a damn clue. I realized that feeling guilty was not only stupid but unhealthy, too.”
Finn nodded, a grin twitching his lips. “I’m glad we both got a clue.”
“Me, too.” Terry chuckled. “Now we just have to help Liam to realize that guilt is a cancer that can eat the happy out of your life.”
He shook his head. Heard the words. Understood there was truth in them, but it didn’t change anything. “People I cared about died because of me.”
“Jesus, Liam,” Finn growled. “They died because it was their time to die. Call it fate or whatever the hell you want, but it was their fate…not yours.”
“He’s right, son,” Terry said. “Go after Stacy. Share life together. Don’t let it pass you both by. Trust me, it ain’t fun. For either of you. Cause I wasn’t the only one who suffered or lost out. Rose did, too.”
“Listen to him.” Finn leaned against the door and crossed his arms. Liam recognized the stance. The guy was ready to go SEAL on his ass if needed. “Don’t let the past ruin your future. Life is too damn short.”
“Exactly,” Brett said, his expression as firm as his tone. “So, let’s talk about Stacy. The woman has had a shit life.”
Liam’s gut twisted. “What do you mean?”
“She’d kill me if she knew I was telling you this. Hell, she’d kill me if she knew I knew,” Brett said, not making much sense. “Bugsby told me her mother wasn’t the maternal type. She was beautiful. Loved attention. She’d disappear for days, then show up out of the blue. Until, one day, when she decided that family wasn’t her scene at all and packed her things and left for good a few days before Stacy’s tenth birthday.”
“Shit.” The blood in Liam’s veins heated and ru
shed through his body with such force his clenched fists shook.
“That bitch,” Finn growled.
“I agree.” Brett’s nostrils flared. “But apparently, her father hadn’t seen it that way. He was besotted with the woman and so devastated when she actually left that a few weeks later instead of going to work, he walked out the front door and right into traffic.”
Finn muttered under his breath and Terry shook his head.
Air funneled into his chest so fast he choked on it. In the space of a few weeks the poor girl had lost both parents. Not just lost them, they’d abandoned her.
Like he had.
Twice.
Fuck. He jumped to his feet and started to pace. He hadn’t left her to abandon her, he’d left to keep her safe. Alive.
He didn’t want her to end up like Marisol.
“Christ.” He scrubbed a hand over his face and muttered another curse. What the hell should he do? He couldn’t be with her, but he didn’t want to be another person in her life who left.
Even though he already had.
Twice.
“Sounds like that clue finally hit you,” Terry said.
Liam snickered but it wasn’t funny. “I’ll be damned if I know what to do about it.”
“It’s simple. Go apologize to her,” Brett said. “Grovel your ass off, then beg her to take you back.”
“You need to explain your behavior to her, too,” Terry said. “Open up and tell her about your past, because as much as we shouldn’t let our pasts rule our futures, it certainly does shape us…causes us to do stupid things.” The man’s unyielding gaze dared him to contradict.
“He’s right,” Brett said. “So, if you hurry, you can still catch Stacy.”
The knot in his stomach twisted tighter. “What if I have bad luck again and it’s Stacy who pays the price?”
Finn moved closer to cup his shoulder. “Hate to break it to you, buddy, but she’s already paying for it.”
Liam flinched back as if punched.
“You’re in love with the woman, but instead of telling her, you’re hiding in your trailer office when you should be at her office begging for that forgiveness we talked about,” Brett said. “She asked for a week off to spend in town at her uncle’s because her sister is coming in with her niece for a few days. But between you and me, I think she’s leaving so she doesn’t have to watch you go.”
“You mean, abandon her.”
Brett shrugged. “Think you got me mixed up with my brother. I’m the nice twin.”
Liam laughed despite the fact the invisible band across his chest was squeezing so tightly he was having a hard time breathing again.
“So…” Brett blinked at him. “About Stacy? Clock’s ticking. She’s leaving in a half hour.”
He blew out a breath and leaned his ass against the corner of his desk. “Need a hell of a lot longer than that to fix my fuck-up.”
The image of her shattered expression stopped Liam’s heart.
“That woman is in love with you, Liam. Trust me. You can fix it.”
God, he hoped Finn was right.
And all during his two-minute sprint across the parking lot and into the guest ranch, Liam repeated that thought over and over, until he got to her office, finding the door ajar and Stacy shrugging into her coat.
Good. He’d caught her.
Now what?
Open up and tell her about your past…
Grovel….
He cleared his throat, trying to force words out. “Stacy…can we talk?”
She stiffened, turning to face him, one arm in and the other only half in her coat. “I…uh, was just getting ready to leave. Spending the holiday at my uncle’s. Tracy and Reanna are driving in tomorrow. I need to leave now to beat the traffic. It gets heavy during rush hour.”
“I’m sorry,” he blurted. “So sorry for being such an ass. Over and over again. I want to apologize for four years ago. For this year. For last night.”
“How long will it last this time?” Her face was pale and pinched, posture stiff, gaze dark with torment. “The first time we made it to four weeks. We almost made it to four weeks again this time, too. But it was what? Three weeks and three days?”
He didn’t answer. Couldn’t get anything out past his thick throat.
“So, since we’ve been apart for almost twenty hours now, I guess the clock resets, right? What will it be this time? Three weeks and six days?”
“I won’t leave you again, Stacy. Please,” he stepped closer, trying to find the words. “Please let me explain why—”
“Don’t,” she said, cutting him off. “Just don’t. If you love me—”
“I do.”
She closed her eyes and tears spilled down her cheeks, and he felt like scum for putting the anguish on her face. For breaking her heart. Her ragged inhale shook him to the core.
“If you feel anything for me at all, Liam, then let me go,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “God, it’d be so easy to take you back and lose myself in you again, then die all over again when something bad happens and you blame it on bad karma because we broke the code. Then you’d leave until you miss me too much and come back. And guess what? I’d take you back again because I love you. And then you’d leave before our magical four week number is up.” She stopped to draw in another breath, her watery gaze sending a piercing pain through his chest.
“God, Liam. You want to know the sad truth? I’d do it. I would. Over and over. I’d take you back. So, while I have at least one thread of strength. One tiny speck of self-respect, please, I’m begging you, if you feel anything for me, please let me go. Let me be the one to walk away.”
By now the pain in his heart—in his soul—was so intense, he was practically numb.
“Okay,” he managed to say in a voice he hardly recognized as his own.
But he didn’t blame her for his pain, God, no. She was right to be skeptical of his apology. And hell, maybe she was even correct. Maybe he would panic again at the first sign of bad luck. Or when they got to four weeks and one day.
No, letting her go was the right thing to do. It was the best thing for her. He should’ve stayed away. Stuck to his original plan, before the well-meaning but stupid guys sent him on this fool’s journey.
Liam stepped into the hall and motioned with his hand for her to proceed. To leave him behind. Giving her that position was the least he could do.
Let her be the one to end the relationship. To leave. To abandon.
She flicked off the lights, closed then locked the door, and stood there with her back to him, inhaling deeply.
Emotions rushed through him in a last minute surge and he even stepped closer and raised a hand to touch her. Managed to open his mouth too, wanting to beg her to reconsider. To tell her about Marisol. Explain that he’d only left because of his concern for her.
But she straightened her shoulders, and even though he could tell she was shaking, she walked down the hall and out of his life without glancing back.
She’d given him exactly what he deserved for constantly hurting her—nothing.
And had done what she deserved to do—leave on her terms.
Chapter Nineteen
The next day, Liam sat in the woods. On a rock. In the snow. Alone.
Sometime between Stacy walking out of his life and when Liam had emerged from his cabin that morning, Mother Nature had gotten her groove on. Five inches worth. Not much snow by Colorado standards, but enough to make everything seem clean and fresh.
Unlike his soul.
Or his heart.
They were dirty. Muddied. Dark.
His own fault. His own hell.
He’d deal with it. Had to for Trident’s sake.
Poor dog hadn’t left Liam’s side since he’d walked into the cabin yesterday. Trident had immediately sensed something was wrong and rushed over to lean against his leg and whimpered. Liam had taken him for a walk. Fed him. Stoked the fire. He’d gone through the motions
and during each of them, his dog remained close.
Poor thing was too cued into Liam’s emotions. He tried to get them under control for the dog’s sake, using techniques he’d learned for dealing with his PTSD. It’d worked a little. Enough for Trident to at least get some sleep.
On Liam’s chest.
He’d had to stretch out on the floor to get Trident to calm down. And the dog had, after sprawling half on and half off Liam.
At least one of them had slept.
The anguish in Stacy’s voice and eyes and words had stayed with him all night. Hell, it was with him now.
But not Trident. No. Liam had to give the poor dog a break but needed somewhere quiet to think. Not his office. No. It held memories he’d rather not deal with at the moment, and it was a place his buddies would no doubt visit today, too.
When they found out his attempt to win Stacy back had failed.
So, he’d trekked a mere half a mile into the woods. Not far, since he was alone and didn’t want to end up like Dick at the bottom of a gully.
He might be numb and not quite in his right mind, but he wasn’t stupid. You don’t hike without a partner. It was safe enough to take a short walk but not hike.
Blowing out a breath, he watched it swirl in a white haze in front of him. Too bad it hadn’t eased the tightness in his chest and shoulders. Neck and back. Hell, his entire body was so stiff, it ached.
Yet, he didn’t feel the cold.
Weird.
So was the image of Trident bounding around trees and through the snow toward him, muscles rippling, tongue hanging out…
Only it wasn’t an apparition, Liam soon realized, when the seventy-five-pound dog put his paws on Liam’s shoulders, knocking him off balance.
“Hey, buddy,” he said, righting himself before rubbing Trident’s shoulders. “What are you doing here? Who let you out?”
“I did,” his sister said, stepping into the clearing bundled in a parka, hat, and gloves. “Found him. Roger that,” she said into her phone before she hit a button and shoved the phone into her coat pocket.
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