by Harlow James
It’s after ten and Rachel still isn’t home. Pacing the living room, I recall every detail of the day that could have made her leave that abruptly, but I’m coming up short. She wouldn’t make eye contact with me before she left, which leads me to believe it was something I did, but I honestly have no idea.
Trying to maintain my composure while Bill and Teresa remained in my home was like trying to smile through a root canal. I obviously didn’t want to address the issue with Rachel while they were here, so I buried down my nerves and focused on making sure the time spent between them and Grayson was worthwhile. They will remain in town for the next four days, staying at an RV resort about forty minutes away before they resume their travel across the country. Each summer they take off for weeks, but always make it a point to come through Emerson Falls to see Grayson and visit Hannah’s grave.
As soon as they left though, my fingers flew across the keyboard sending her multiple texts, asking her where she was. After no response or answer to my dozens of calls, I had no choice but to accept the fact that she was avoiding me, and for whatever reason, I was still unsure.
It’s been so long since I’ve had to consider someone else’s feelings and during this week especially, my sole focus has been on navigating my own. Hannah’s parents coming to visit always puts me on edge. But add in the fact there’s a woman living with me now that I’m actively in a relationship with? Well, it made the guilt grow exponentially.
And then there’s the dream, the same one from over a week ago, popping up almost every night—Rachel’s lifeless body hanging out of the window of the car, fucking with my mind each time as I fought to wake up before I had to accept the image, much like the night of Hannah’s death.
My headspace is a jumbled mess of past, present, and future, and even more fucked up now as I wait for Rachel to come home so we can talk about what the hell happened earlier.
The gloom of my house feels appropriate as a wave of darkness takes over my brain, gravitating to worst case scenarios—wondering if she’s hurt, praying that she’s okay, and hoping that she will in fact return. All of her belongings are here, so she’d have to come back eventually, right?
The flash of headlights coming through the front window alerts me to her arrival, especially when I hear the hum of a car in the driveway and then the engine shut off. I contemplate how to play this as I wait for her to open the door. Do I meet her right at the entrance and demand where she went? Or do I sit on the couch and wait for her to come to me? Seeing as how I don’t know exactly what’s going through her mind, I decide on option number two.
The click of the lock signals she’s about to walk through the door, so I decide to stand as her eyes meet mine.
But she doesn’t say a word as we stare at each other, the silence more unsettling than the fact that I couldn’t get her to answer my texts or calls. Finally she moves to set her purse down on the table by the door, shuts the door behind her, and then turns, meeting my eyes again.
“Where were you?” I finally ask while my body hums with nerves. The scarce light coming through the blinds and curtains is enough for me to see the redness on her face and the swollen lids of her eyes.
She stands tall, observing me for what feels like an hour before she finally answers. “Why do you care?”
“Why do I care? Are you kidding me?”
“No. I’m not. I’m just your friend, right? I’m just the nanny. So why do you care if I left? I wasn’t technically on the clock anymore anyway.”
“Rachel…” I start to move towards her, but she flashes her palm at me, stopping me in my steps.
“No, Luke. Don’t touch me. I just need to gather some clothes and then I’m leaving again.”
“What do you mean you’re leaving?” My mind is spinning as she starts down the hall, but I reach out to grab her wrist, pulling her gently behind me to the garage where we can speak at full volume without threatening to wake up Grayson.
“You’re not leaving until we talk,” I command once the door is shut and we pick our sides of the spacious room.
“Oh, now you wanna talk?” She raises her voice as her eyes laser focus in on mine, folding her arms across her body in a protective shield.
“Yeah, I do.”
“I’ve been trying to talk to you for days, but you just kept pushing me away!”
I run my hand through my hair as I stare at the ground. “I’m sorry. I know. It’s just that Hannah’s parents coming always makes me…”
“An asshole?”
My head flies up to watch her face grow even angrier. “An asshole?”
“Yup.”
“Rachel… what the fuck happened?”
She shakes her head at me, her eyes welling with tears before she looks away and to my workout bench. Her eyes close, surely with the memory of what we did on that bench just over a week ago.
“I can’t fix this if you don’t tell me what happened.” I scrunch my face up while I wait for her to speak.
“I heard you…”
“Okay… heard me do what?”
“I heard what you said to Teresa.”
And instantly I feel my jaw drop, my stomach sink to my toes, and my heart frantically beat in my chest.
“Rachel…”
“No, Luke! No!” She throws her hands up again in defeat. “I’ve tried to convince myself you were just nervous about them coming here, about all the memories I’m sure their presence brings up. But to hear you say you’re not ready to move on, that you don’t think you’ll ever be…”
“I didn’t mean it, Rachel,” I plead as she backs away.
“Then why say that!”
“What the fuck was I supposed to say to the mother of my dead wife? Yeah, I’m fucking my nanny now!”
Her mouth falls open before she shouts. “Is that all this has been about for you? Getting your dick wet again?”
“You know that’s not true! You know I care about you!”
“I thought I did. But then it all started making more sense. You pulling away, you saying those words to Teresa… you’re not ready for this, Luke. And it’s not fair to me.”
Her words slice through me, because even though I want to deny them, part of me knows they’re true. I’m not fully ready for what the future could hold for us and the unknown that it brings, but I know I don’t want to lose her either.
“And your silence right now speaks volumes.” She shakes her head at me, wiping tears from her eyes. “You were never going to fully let me in, were you, Luke?”
More silence from me as I realize there’s nothing I could say right now to make this any better. Yet still I need to say something. “I care about you so much, Rachel. I do. But…”
“I’m in love with you, Luke. I love you and your son. But I don’t deserve to be second best, or be strung along…”
“You feel like you’re second best?”
Throwing her hands in the air, she cuts me off. “How can I not? I never once said I was trying to replace Hannah, Luke! Not once! I was perfectly content with helping keep her memory alive while building our own memories together. But I swear that’s what you think I’m doing! Trying to replace her…”
And now my anger is rising. “No one can ever replace her, Rachel! She was my wife and the mother of my son. She will always be a part of me and him! She will always be a part of our lives!”
“And I get that, I do. I respect it and it kills me that you’ve had to go through losing her. But I know you have room in that heart of yours to love again. I just don’t think you want to.”
“I fucking found her, Rachel!” I shout, the tools on the walls rattling as I punch the wall, my knuckles cracking as blood drips down when I turn to face her again. Her hand is covering her mouth, her eyes wide with shock as I struggle to breathe and control my heart rate. “I arrived on the scene of her accident, saw her lifeless body and mangled car! I watched the paramedics pull her from the crunched up metal and her body being zipped in a black bag.
Do you know how badly that fucked me up?”
Rachel’s eyes are leaking as she watches me.
“I swore I would never do that to someone else, make them experience that kind of pain. So yeah, I don’t know that I can love someone else like I loved her—because losing her was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced and I NEVER want to feel that again!”
“Luke…” She breathes through the emotion in her voice, yet still standing so far away from me.
“No!” I yell and then throw my hand towards the door. “You know what? Just go! Leave! It’s better this way. Grayson never knew about us, so he’ll be fine.”
And then her anger returns as her eyes narrow at me, still crying but clenching her jaw tightly now. “You never should have pursued me if you knew this would be the end result,” she seethes.
“You’re right. But there was something about you that told me to, and I couldn’t deny that. What we have is real, Rachel. But now, I know… I’m not ready, and I don’t know that I ever will be.” Watching Rachel hear those words from my mouth mimics a pain I’ve only ever felt once before. Her entire body is shaking, her face is covered in tear-stained make-up and she looks truly heartbroken. I didn’t want to be the person to do that to her, but I can’t fight the response my head is having right now.
Push her away before this goes any further. She’ll be okay, eventually. You’ll just go back to normal. It’s better this way for everyone involved.
I knew better than to get involved with my nanny, or any other woman for that matter. But there was something about this woman that told me to take the shot, to risk breaking down the walls I had erected around my heart.
And now standing here, watching us demolish the past five months of sharing our lives with one another, I’m reminded of why I avoided this in the first place, why I never toyed with the idea of moving on.
Because love fucking hurts, and that pain never goes away completely.
“You deserve to be happy, Luke. You deserve to love again.” I just watch her, letting her say her final words to me. “I think you’re just angry that you’d finally felt something for another woman for the first time. You’re scared…”
“Scared? You think I’m fucking scared?”
“Yeah, I do! You were finally feeling…”
“Feeling what?”
“Alive! You were living for the first time in five years, Luke! I think a part of you died that day with Hannah…”
“Yeah, it fucking did. And now…”
“Now your heart is pumping, your mind is reeling, and your feeling everything that reminds you that you’re still living and you’re fucking scared!”
My chest rises and falls before I stand tall, clench my fists at my sides, and utter the last thing I need to. “You’re fired, Rachel. Now get out.”
Her mouth falls open in shock, her head shaking from left to right, before she finally turns and exits the garage, not saying another word before she leaves.
My entire body falls before I sit on the workout bench, hanging my head between my shoulders and finally letting the tears fall. Fuck this. I’m not made for love. I had my shot, and it was taken away from me. She doesn’t deserve a guy like me that’s this fucked up. She deserves someone who will appreciate her and love her with every fiber of his heart. And no matter how hard it is to let her go, knowing she was slowly taking over mine, there will always be a portion of my heart that will belong to my wife, and I can’t imagine letting that part go—ever.
Chapter 25
Rachel
“Are you just going to lie on the couch and watch television all day?”
“Are you going to judge me if I do?” I ask, my head still resting on the pillow, not bothering to look up at the concerned face of my best friend.
“You know I won’t. But don’t you think you should try to do something today? Get up and move a bit? Wanna go for a run with me?”
I scoff at her. She may be my best friend, but clearly she’s forgotten who she’s speaking to right now. “No, I don’t want to run. I’ve never understood why people do that for fun to begin with.”
“Rachel,” she speaks softly before sitting down on the portion of the couch cushions still open, even though my entire body is splayed across the length of it. “I’m worried about you. It’s been a week,” she announces, as if I had no clue how long it’s been since I lost my boyfriend, my job, and the little boy that made every day brighter in my life.
“Maybe you need to at least shower?”
“I’ve taken a shower in the last week, Pfeiffer.”
“I know. But not after you worked your shift last night. No offense, but you reek of booze and jalapeno poppers.”
Rolling my eyes, I move to stand. “Fine. I’ll shower. But I’m coming right back here when I’m done.”
“That’s perfectly fine. I’m just glad to see you upright.” She smiles politely at me, but her eyes show her true worry.
For the past seven days I’ve been sleeping at Cash and Pfeiffer’s, seeing as how I didn’t really have anywhere else to go. After my blow up with Luke, I packed up enough clothes for a few days and ran out of the house, vowing to never return. I sent Pfeiffer mid-week to pick up the rest of my things, while Luke just watched her, saying nothing before she left.
I was hoping by now to have heard something from him. Of course, when I remember that he fired me and kicked me out of his house, I guess that hope was truly far-fetched. I’ve never realized how long a day is until this past week, as every second away from the two men I love reminds me of what I lost.
Yet I can’t regret it. I would do it all over in a heartbeat, because letting Grayson and Luke into my heart made me feel wanted and needed finally by someone other than my family. I was doing something fulfilling by taking care of that boy, and I was falling in love with a man like I’d never felt before. I thought I’d been in love before Luke. But boy, was I wrong. That man erased any preconceived notions I had about how it felt to be valued by someone. And that’s exactly what I thought he felt—that he valued me, cherished me, wanted a future with me.
I guess I was wrong about that too.
Once I’m clean and showered, I make my way back to the couch, sliding under the blanket to ward off the chill of the air conditioner and returning to my binge of horror movies, since I know they won’t make me cry anymore. It’s almost the middle of July now and the air outside is hot and sticky, while the frigidness of Cash and Pfeiffer’s house protects me from the elements, and from the possibility of running into Luke.
I know I can’t hide here forever, and I even told Tony last night that I’m available now to work more shifts if he needs me, seeing as how I lost my other job. The sympathy in his eyes told me he’s holding out for Luke to change his mind too, especially after I broke down and confessed to him what happened. He’s the only other person I’ve told about the break-up besides Pfeiffer, although I’m sure word will travel fast around town once it gets out. I’ve yet to tell my mom or dad because I know what they’ll do. They’ll tell me how sorry they are and then beg me to come home. And even though the thought has crossed my mind, part of me is hoping Luke will come to his senses sooner rather than later.
I didn’t imagine what was there between us. I didn’t dream the entire thing. What we had was real, no matter how badly he wants to deny it. I know what it was, and I’m trying to keep faith that it all wasn’t for nothing.
But how can you convince someone that they’re worthy of their life? That they're worthy of finding love again? I could tell Luke those words repeatedly until I’m blue in the face, but he has to be the one to believe them. And until he does, this is where we will remain—miles apart, shattered and bruised, and with a gap left in my chest wanting to fill it again with the love of a little boy and his father—a love I was sure I was meant to have for the rest of my life, but now understand that I might just have to live without.
“When I get home later, we’re going to have a girl’s nig
ht, okay? Jess is bringing the fixings for ice cream sundaes, and I’m ordering pizza.”
“Ugh, do we have to?”
“Yes! You’re my best friend and you’re nursing a broken heart. Junk food and a girl’s night are in order.”
“Fine.” I roll my eyes again at her.
“I love you, Rach. You’re going to get through this.” She leans down and kisses me on the forehead before leaving the house to tackle her run. I press play on my movie and then snuggle back into the cushions, concentrating on the stupidity of the characters running towards a killer before sleep overtakes me.
“Hey, sleeping beauty.” I pop one eye open as I find Jess hovering over me.
“Hey.” Sitting up to adjust to the light, I feel drool dripping down the side of my face, so I reach up to swipe it away.
“Well, aren’t you just a merry ball of sunshine?” Jess jokes but then sits down next to me.
“Yup.”
“Seriously,” she lowers her voice, reaching for my hand. “How are you holding up?”
I shake my head as the sting of tears builds behind my eyes. “I’ve been better.”
“Life just sucks sometimes,” she assures me, soothingly rubbing my hands with hers as tears build in her eyes.
“Yeah. It does,” I choke out, letting my own tears come. Jess pulls me into her arms and Pfeiffer sits on the other side of me. “Why are you crying, Jess? Are you crying for me?”
“Uh… yeah. I just know how badly a broken heart feels.” Pfeiffer eyes Jess across the couch and I can’t help but feel like there’s something else going on.
“You know what? I think we just need to all drown our sorrows in food tonight. So… Rach? Are you ready to consume mass quantities of carbs and calories and not give two fucks about it?” Jess holds her hand up like we’re pledging a sorority or something.
I can’t help but chuckle. “Sure.”
“Perfect. Piper, what’s the E.T.A. on the pizza?”
“Five minutes,” she replies, mock-saluting her. As they both rise, I can’t help but smile for the first time in days. Pfeiffer was right. I needed this.
