“That vision you keep seeing—first with Ezra, then with Rask—that will happen if you don’t let me go,” he said, his voice catching in his throat. “The universe will burn. Please, Riley, release me.”
“No!” I sobbed, the blade edging closer to his throat. I was losing my grip on him.
“Orfaio promised me something, to make it easier to bear,” he said. “He told me a secret.”
“What secret?”
Ronad smiled. “He told me of heaven… of the place where souls go. I can’t tell you about it, because it isn’t your time, but Naya is waiting for me there. I’ve seen her in the gift of knowledge that Orfaio gave to me. She is as alive as you or me, and she is out there, ready to welcome me home.” He paused, his hand relaxing on the knife blade. “It’s what I’ve been waiting for, ever since she died. I tried to forget, I tried to move on, I tried to get on with life, but none of it makes sense without her. Now, I understand why—it isn’t supposed to. I’m supposed to go now and meet with her again in the afterlife. This was always supposed to happen.”
I shook my head, my fingertips slipping on the knife. “Possible outcomes, not definite ones.”
“Either way, Naya’s out there, and I’m not going to keep her waiting a second longer.” He smiled at me. “Please, Riley… I need to do this.”
“I’ll stay with you until it’s over,” I whispered, knowing I had no choice.
He covered my hands with his and stared up into my eyes with gratitude. Suddenly, the familiar face that I knew so well morphed into one I didn’t recognize. His gentle expression twisted into something wry and unpleasant. A dark laugh bubbled from the back of Ronad’s throat, sounding distant and unnerving.
Rask was taking over.
A flicker of Ronad remained in the steady gaze. I held onto that final scrap of him, feeling his grip grow tighter. My hands were underneath his, and now I understood why. He couldn’t do this on his own, not with Rask overwhelming his senses.
“Please…” he whispered. “There's no time.”
“Ronad, I…”
“Think of Nova.”
I closed my eyes and let him bring my hands toward his neck, feeling the sensation of the blade sinking into his throat. I wanted to pull away so badly, but the dark laugh bubbled up again. Ronad must have been building up to this moment, ever since Orfaio imparted their knowledge to him. I couldn't falter now, not when Ronad needed me to be strong.
I pressed down harder, until there was no blade left. I refused to look at what I’d helped to do, tears cascading down my face. A warm, wet liquid ran across my fingertips, the metal of the blade growing hotter in my palms. Still, I refused to look. I knew why he’d asked me to come with him—because I lacked the strength to actually stop him from killing himself. Had Navan or Bashrik been here, they would have wrestled the knife from him without difficulty. Now, I knew why he’d trusted me with this; he knew I would understand the importance. But it didn’t lessen the pain. I’d helped him take his last breaths, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever get over it.
“Thank you,” Ronad breathed, from somewhere close to my ear.
Puzzled, I opened my eyes wide to find that Ronad had disappeared. Streaks of blood covered my hands, but there was no body to speak of. A flurry of gray dust was all that remained of him, the flakes settling on the ground. I wondered how that could have happened after everything Ronad had gone through, to change his body, and realized Rask must be somehow responsible. He’d infiltrated Ronad’s body, and with Ronad’s death he’d been stopped from escaping his prison.
Forcing myself to stand, I staggered back through to the med-bay with the knife clutched in my hand. I fell to the ground, unable to bear the weight of myself any longer. Navan rushed to my side and pulled me into his arms, carefully wresting the knife from my hand.
“What's going on, Riley? Are you okay? Did someone try to hurt you?” He looked toward the door. “Wait… where's Ronad?”
“He’s… He’s gone.”
“What do you mean ‘gone?’”
“Gone where?” Bashrik asked, hurrying over, and receiving a sharp look from Navan. “Did you do something to him?” The note of accusation was more than I could bear. I started to sob in Navan’s arms, as the others gathered around me.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he murmured.
“It will never be okay,” I wept.
“What happened?”
“Ronad… is dead,” I whispered. “He sacrificed himself. He has gone to see Naya.”
Navan gasped. “What?”
“What the hell did you do to him?” Bashrik breathed.
To my surprise, it was Jareth who held him back.
“Let her speak,” he urged.
“The last Vysanthean god… he tried to take over Ronad’s body,” I explained, struggling for words. “Ronad saw it coming all along. He knew he would have to give up his own life to stop the universe from burning. He did it for us… for everyone, and now he’s gone.” I descended into heavy, ugly tears that wracked my chest.
“He killed himself?” Bashrik gaped in horror. “Can’t we do something? Is he still breathing? Maybe he’s not dead!”
I shook my head. “He’s dust.”
“How can he be dust? You’re delusional from the serum!” Bashrik ran across the room and froze in the doorway, peering out into the hall beyond. I could tell from his body language that he’d seen the floating flakes of gray dust.
“I'm not,” I croaked. “Rask was taking over his body. The possession was reversing everything Ronad did on Earth, to remove his coldbloodness. When he… When he died, he turned to dust. I'm not lying.”
“I believe you,” Navan murmured.
“He made me help. He knew I wouldn't have the strength to stop him. He used my hands to plunge the blade in.” I choked on a wretched sob, and felt Navan’s arms tighten around me. “I’m sorry… I didn’t want to. I didn’t have the power to stop him.”
“You do appear to be human again,” Jareth murmured, a hint of sadness in his voice. “I am sorry you were tasked with such a difficult necessity, Riley. Ronad and I… did not exactly see eye-to-eye. But I believe he was a good man, and I know you shared a firm friendship. That is not easy to find in this universe. This Stargazer of yours would likely not have chosen him if he had not been the man that he was… of kind heart and generous spirit.”
“Orfaio promised him heaven,” I whispered, nestling into Navan’s chest. “They promised him heaven, but I still didn’t want him to go. I wanted him to stay with us… I couldn't make him stay.”
Navan pulled me closer. “His was the last piece, sweetheart. He…He was a strong, brave, defiant man. My father is right; who else would they have picked for the hardest task of them all? And if he was promised heaven, and the chance to see Naya again, then why should we be sad?” he murmured, though I could feel the damp trickle of tears on his cheeks. “It’s over, my love. It’s all over now.”
Then why does it hurt so much? I thought, clinging to Navan for dear life.
Chapter Forty-Three
Aboard Szayan's ship, Nisha took the helm and waited for the all-clear to take off. We were due to head back to the cabin in the woods, though all I could do was stare listlessly at the wall while Kaido continued to rush around, feeding tubes into my arms and making more notes. Bashrik had barely said a word to me, before he and Jareth had made their excuses and begun preparations to head into the Fed ship. They were going to follow us, though I knew Bashrik was using it as an excuse to be alone. I could see that he blamed me, but what else could I have done? I kept trying to replay the memory in my head, but it was weirdly suppressed, a hazy blur that made no sense, yet left me with a hole in my heart. Without Ronad, nothing would ever be the same again.
"Everyone is going to hate me," I murmured to Navan, who still sat beside me.
"They aren't."
"How do you know that? You can't know that." I turned my face away. "I had my hands on the knife h
andle. I could have pulled it away... but I let him do it. I let him kill himself. Bashrik already hates me."
"He doesn't. It's just a lot to process."
I turned back to Navan and looked deep into his eyes. "Do you hate me? He was your best friend, after all, and I did nothing to save him."
Tears still glittered in his eyes. "If I know Ronad, he'd have persuaded you; he'd have won you around to his way of thinking, because that's what he always did. He was the kind of guy who always wanted to do what was right." He paused, clearing his throat. I could hear it in his voice that he hated using the past tense to talk about his friend. "It's why he struggled with his love for Naya, to begin with. He knew it was somehow wrong, and he always wanted to do right by her and by her family. He talked Naya out of eloping because he knew it wasn't the right thing to do. He'd have been happy enough, but he wanted to do what was right for her—he knew she wanted a proper wedding, and he'd never have robbed her of that."
"He told me Rask would bring one of my visions to life, if I let the god take over his body," I explained feebly. "It was a vision where the universe was on fire, and every planet was burning. There were people screaming everywhere. Life as we know it was being destroyed on a universal scale."
He kissed my forehead gently. "Then you and Ronad did the right thing."
"I didn't want him to die, though. I really wanted to stop him, even though stopping him would have resulted in that image coming true." I held my head in my hands. "Does that sound insane?"
Navan shook his head. "No, my love, that just sounds like you. I know you would do anything to save the people you love, because I'm fortunate enough to be one of those people. You always want to put our lives ahead of everything else, and I admire you for it. It's just that, every so often, a situation comes along where the individual can't be put ahead of the whole."
I sighed bitterly. "Orfaio's bigger picture?"
"The universe's bigger picture."
"I miss him already," I murmured softly.
"So do I." He held me closer. "Ronad and I have been friends ever since I can remember. He was more of a brother to me than a friend, and probably more of a brother to me than some of my actual brothers."
I smiled, but my heart wasn't in it.
"I will miss him every day of my life," he went on, "but I will hold on to his memory with so much pride, because he gave up his life so the entire universe could live. Who else gets to say they've done that? He was lost for so long, and though it's going to hurt like hell trying to exist without him, I know he's somewhere out there, in good hands. Naya will take care of him."
"I thought you didn't believe in all that stuff."
"If Orfaio promised it to Ronad, then I don't know what I believe anymore. Anything is possible."
A small cough distracted us. Nisha was standing in the doorway. "Ready to go? I've just gotten word from Bashrik that they're good to take off whenever we are."
"I'll come and help," Navan replied, turning to me uncertainly. "Will you be okay here on your own? I won't be gone for long—I’ll set it to autopilot and come straight back."
I nodded. "It's okay, I could do with a moment to get my mind straight."
"Are you sure? I can stay if you want me to."
"Honestly, I'll be fine."
He kissed me tenderly on the lips and pulled me in for a tight embrace, before getting to his feet and leaving the makeshift med-bay. At the door, he cast a worried look back at me. At least there was one person who would continue to love me, no matter what I'd done... or hadn't done.
"You do understand that it is not your fault?" Kaido said suddenly, kneeling on the floor beside me to remove the arm tube he'd put in to flush out the last of the vision serum and to check my vitals after being a coldblood for a while.
"I didn't stop him."
"I do not always understand social cues or jokes or ways of behaving that come easily to others, but I have some grasp on what it means to be sentient," he continued. "Ronad is responsible for this, not you. He did not give you ample opportunity to consider your consent. How could you have made such a decision, and looked at all the variables, with barely a few moments to decide? This is not your fault."
Tears welled up in my eyes. "But I didn't stop him. Don't you understand? I could've done something, but I didn't.”
"He did not want you to stop him. I must insist, this is not your doing. He clamped your hands on the handle, as you have said, and used your momentum. There is nothing more to it. You certainly could not have stopped him. Ronad was far stronger than you, regardless of his peculiar decision to remove the majority of his abilities. You could not have resisted him even if you had tried with every ounce of human strength you had left," he explained. "The coldblood serum had been sapped from your body; you could not have fought against him to stop him, regardless of your desire to. Ronad was aware of this, as you say—he would not have selected you otherwise."
"You're just saying this to make me feel less guilty."
"Why would I do such a thing? I do not lie, and I have never avoided the truth about anything in my entire life. I do not intend to start now, nor would I know how to," he said. "Ronad was informed. You were not. The responsibility lies with him. He would agree with me if he had not stabbed himself with a knife and brought his life to a premature close."
I glanced at Kaido. "There's more empathy in you than you give yourself credit for. Sometimes, I wonder if you understand us all better than we understand ourselves."
"On a neurological level, undoubtedly. Now that you mention it, I suppose everything is neurological, when it comes to the very root of our consciousness." He shrugged. "Anyway, I thought you looked troubled, so I thought I would tell you my thoughts on the matter. It is rather unfortunate that he had to die, but he knew it was going to happen. I imagine there is something useful to be found in knowing the timing of your death—one could get a lot more done. I imagine it is an excellent motivator, not that I require one. I am rarely idle. Besides, I believe he knew from the moment I gave you the vision serum that it was imminent, since now we know that Rask was at the heart of why you wished to enter those visions."
"Thank you, Kaido," I murmured, reaching out a hand to touch his shoulder.
He stiffened. "If my words have made you feel less troubled, I am glad. Although, I pray you do not try to embrace me. I am very busy."
I smiled weakly. "No hugs, just thanks."
"Then I may accept a shoulder hold, if that is what this is," he said, relaxing ever so slightly. A moment later, he was back on his feet, zipping about the room, writing down his findings.
How I wished I could move on from things so easily.
Half an hour later, we touched down in the clearing outside Ianthan's cabin. Angie, Lauren, Stone, Szayan, Seraphina, and Sarrask came out of the house to greet us. Without saying a word, I rushed toward Nova—who was cradled in Seraphina's arms—and took her in my own. Lifting her to my face, I kissed her chubby cheeks and inhaled the sweet, sugary scent of her. Ronad had told me to think of her, and I had... I hadn't understood then, but now I did. Ronad and Nova had been linked ever since Orfaio had given us those gifts of information. In order for her to have a happy, bright future, Ronad had been given a death sentence. It wasn't fair, but it was fact.
"I love you," I whispered, nestling her close to me. "Your Uncle Roro loves you, too—more than you will ever know. All of this is for you, and for all those like you."
"Roro!" she gurgled, damn near shattering my heart into a thousand splinters.
Seraphina put her hand on my arm. "What happened?"
"Ronad sacrificed himself so we could all live." I heaved out a choked sob.
"What?" Lauren gasped.
"Did ye say me man Ro ain't with us no more?" Stone asked, looking crestfallen.
I nodded, struggling for words.
"It was his piece of the puzzle," Bashrik said unexpectedly, relieving me of the strain. "Orfaio told him that was what he h
ad to do, and dammit, he did it. Riley was there at the end, but it wasn't her fault… he followed the path that Stargazer put him on. This is all Orfaio’s doing." There was a bitterness in his voice. It wasn't me he was angry at; it was Orfaio.
"No…" Angie ran forward and took Bashrik in her arms, his head sinking to her shoulder as he let the tears flow. A blanket of sadness settled over the group. It truly felt like we'd lost one of the family.
"I am sorry," Seraphina said. "I am sorry he had to do that."
"Aye, but who else woulda had the plums to do a sorta thing like that, am I right? Ro were the bravest among us. Braver than any bloke I ever had the privilege o' knowin'."
I nodded. "He really was. He wasn't even scared, at the end. He was just scared of letting Rask destroy the universe. That was all he was thinking about."
"Sounds like Ronad," Navan said, his eyes downcast.
"He'll be remembered in Vysanthean history," Seraphina promised. "I don't know how, but he will."
I looked at her, wanting to tell her about Xiphio's words… but I couldn't get them to come out. It was like something was stopping me, a deep, unyielding fear that his prophecy might not come true if I told her about it. It was the same as Orfaio's gifts of information. Any insight into them might change the outcome, in a way none of us wanted. So, I kept my mouth shut and gazed into the beautiful eyes of my baby daughter, who had no idea what was going on.
"Hey, did someone say Ronad?" Sarrask piped up, looking dazed. "I wonder if he still has that bracelet I gave him. Wait… he was just here, wasn't he? I remember him being here, in this clearing. He was filling canisters or something… is that right? We were talking about Naya… I'm sure we were. Everything is so fuzzy."
Szayan smiled. "A small progression, but we are getting there with his memory," he explained. "Much of it is coming back to him. I do not think it will be long before he has full retention."
"What are you talking about?" Sarrask asked tersely.
Stargazers Page 42
