by M. Robinson
I tried to pretend that it didn’t bother me, as if I wasn’t dying inside. I ignored the sermon that the priest recited, every verse read by family, every memory her friends shared.
Getting lost in the abyss that now resided in my soul.
My father stood, bringing my attention back to the present as he made his way up to the podium to say his eulogy. He peered out at the crowd of people with a devastated expression. Every row in the cathedral was packed with everyone who loved our mother.
Even that didn’t grant me peace.
He bowed his head for a few seconds, needing to gain his composure. “Adriana, my wife, was the love of my life. My past, my present, and she would have been my future,” he announced, looking back up.
As soon as the words left his mouth, I felt Amari tense beside me.
“Before I begin, I would like to thank you all for coming here today to honor and celebrate the accomplishments of my wife. Thank you for the sympathy and support you have shown my children and me during our time of need. I can’t begin to tell you how much I wish my wife were here. Standing right here by my side, witnessing how loved she really was.”
Amari scoffed out, “Unbelievable” under her breath.
“I spent twenty-two wonderful, blissful years married to the woman who was my soul mate. She was only thirty-nine years old and had so much more life to live. I never imagined I would be a widower at fifty-eight years old, having to spend the rest of my life alone when we should be spending it together. I vowed to always keep her safe. To always protect her.”
“Liar,” Amari blurted a little too loud, catching the attention of the people sitting around us.
“Amari," I warned, looking over at her. She scowled, narrowing her eyes at me as he continued his speech. “Enough,” I added in a demanding tone. She just shook her head with a disgusted look on her face. Peering back at our father.
“I know my wife is looking down on us today with nothing but love in her eyes. Thankful for the years we shared and the children we made. Proud to have called us her family. To have—”
“Jesus… I’m sorry, Mamá. Please forgive me, but I can’t listen to this any longer,” Amari interrupted, standing abruptly, pushing her way out of the pew. Immediately making her way toward the side exit.
I stood, trying to grab her arm, but I was too late, she was out of reach. “Amari,” I called out after her.
“Please, forgive my daughter. She is hurting badly. She not only lost her mother, but her best friend, and we all grieve in different ways.”
Amari stopped dead in her tracks, her body stirring with emotions she couldn't control. Her chest heaved as her hands worked into fists at her sides. As if reading my mind, Michael stood to go comfort her. He wrapped an arm around her waist, leading her to the door. She leaned into his embrace, breaking down as they left together.
Never looking back.
My father nodded to one of the guards to follow them out, and then locked eyes with me. Both of us concerned about Amari’s outburst, not knowing what fueled it. I sat back down and he continued with his eulogy. Sharing memories of the love he had for a woman he would never see again. At one point he had to stop, bowing his head on the verge of shutting down. He pushed on, and with each word that left his mouth, my heart broke for him a little more.
The rest of the service went on without a problem, filled with nothing but sadness and tears. Amari was already in the limo when we walked out, waiting for us to go to the cemetery to officially lay our mother to rest.
We drove in silence, all of us lost in our own thoughts. Staring out the windows as the rain came down mimicking everyone's despair.
“Alejandro, it’s okay to cry,” Sophia whispered, rubbing my back as we stood in front of her grave.
I reached over and held her hand, squeezing it in reassurance. Watching through my dark sunglasses as they lowered my mother into the ground. My father was the first to throw a single white rose onto the coffin. Making the sign of the cross, walking away from his wife for the last time. Tears running down his face as he got in his limo.
I wrapped my arm around Amari, supporting her as we each threw in another two white roses. Sophia and Michael followed. Amari was physically falling apart in my arms, and I couldn't do anything to take away her pain. I couldn't bring back our mother. Her eyes held so much sadness, anger and disgust, all mixed together.
Not knowing who it was for.
By the time we made it back to the house, it was packed with mostly everyone who had attended the funeral. If Amari heard “I’m so sorry” one more fucking time, she was going to lose it. She was hanging on by a thread that was ready to snap at any second. I paid close attention to her the entire afternoon, making sure that Sophia or I were near her at all times. Making her eat and be somewhat social. When all she wanted to do was go up to her room and drown in her sorrow.
I wish I could tell you I was expecting what happened next…
But I didn’t.
Not for one goddamn second.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” the wife of one of my father’s associates consoled him. “I can only imagine what you’re going through.”
“I loved my wife with everything inside of me. A part of me doesn’t even know how I am going to keep going. She was my everything. I promised her that I would always protect her—”
“Liar!” Amari shouted, slipping out of my grasp. Going right for my father.
Fuck.
“You did this! You’re the reason that she’s dead!”
Dad jerked back, her accusation almost knocking him on his ass. An immediate eerie silence filled the room that was packed with guests. All eyes were on them. I didn’t falter. I was over to her in a heartbeat, gripping her arm but she roughly tore out of my grasp.
“Amari, I understand you’re hurting—”
“You don’t understand,” she interrupted him. “You know nothing. You think you do. You think you have everything under control with your holier-than-thou persona. All you do is hurt people! You have no respect for anyone or anything! You will do anything to make people fear you! Look where that has gotten you. It should have been you we were burying today, not her. This is all your fault! You’re nothing but the Devil trying to pretend that he’s God,” she gritted out through a clenched jaw, her fists balling at her sides.
My father stood there, his chest rising and falling. Trying to remain calm in front of everyone. “Amari, now is not the time—”
“To what? To call you out on your bullshit and lies! That’s all you fucking care about!”
“Amari,” I murmured, grabbing her arm again. Yanking her toward me. “That’s enough.”
She peered up at me with hurt and fury blazing in her eyes. “Fuck. You. Alejandro. You’re a part of this, too! Dad's little puppet. You're both to blame for MY mother's death. You both brought evil into our lives. Do you know how much it kills me to say that to you, Alejandro? You’re my brother, and I love you more than anything in this world, but all I want to do is hate you right now! He may be the reason she’s dead, but you’re going to be just like him. The Devil in the making, and it makes me fucking sick! Our mother lost her life because of her love for him! She’s dead, Alejandro. Do you understand that? She’s fucking dead! And her blood is on both of your hands.”
I swallowed hard, knowing everything she was saying was true.
“I hope for Sophia's sake you walk away from this asshole, and show her a life full of love. Not a life where you’ll always be looking over your shoulder, waiting for bullets to fly. Waiting for death to come for you. Or she’s the next woman you’re dragging out of a car.”
Sophia and I locked eyes from across the room. She was the first to break our connection, the truth in my sister’s words taking residence in her mind.
Amari’s intense glare turned back to our father. He put his hand up in the air in a surrendering gesture only fueling Amari’s rage.
“I love you, Amari. I’m so sorr
y. But you lashing out like this isn’t going to change anything. I’m your father and that’s never going to change. You will always be my daughter, whether you like it or not. You're a Martinez. I understand you’re hurting, but breaking up our family isn’t the answer, you—”
Before he even got all his words out, she charged at him, screaming. The guests, including Sophia, stood there, horrified at the scene Amari was causing. I immediately sprang into action, holding her back.
“YOU KILLED HER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! There is no more family, she was the bond that kept us all together and now she’s gone. This is your fault! And I fucking hate you for it! This life! This Hell! I’m done. Do you understand me? Fucking done! I’m leaving, and I don’t ever want to see you again!” She thrashed around in my arms, wanting to hit him.
Needing to hurt him.
“I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR! YOU’RE DEAD TO ME! MY FATHER DIED THE DAY MY MOTHER WAS MURDERED!”
I hauled her out of the room, kicking and screaming. Putting up one hell of a fight to go after him. Whipping her body around trying to get out of my grasp.
“Jesus Christ, Amari! That’s enough,” I roared once we were outside and away from prying ears. Sophia and Michael not too far behind us.
She spun, facing me. "Let me go," she gritted, pulling her arm out of my grasp. Pushing me in the chest with all her strength.
I barely wavered.
“You’re an asshole! How could you do that to me! How could you take his side after everything he’s done! You know I’m right! Or is your conscience too fucking scared to admit it out loud?!” she yelled, shoving me over and over again.
I let her take out all her aggression on me.
I deserved it.
I deserved everything.
“Amari, calm the fuck down,” I reasoned, only pissing her off more. Grabbing her by the wrists, halting her assault.
“Why didn’t you do something?! Why didn’t you save her?! How could you just let her die like that?!” she sobbed, breaking free, shoving me the closer I tried to come toward her.
“Amari, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I did everything I could. Don’t you think I would switch places with her if I could?”
Her eyes blurred with nothing but tears, and my body twisted with the longing to fall apart. To finally let out all my emotions that were wreaking havoc on my soul.
“She’s gone! She’s fucking gone! I hate you! I hate you!” she yelled over and over to let it sink into my pores and make it become a part of me.
Making me truly believe it, truly know that this was the end.
“Amari, I’ll make it right. I promise you I’ll make it fucking right. Look at me. It's me, your brother.”
She crumbled to the ground, taking me along with her. I dropped to my knees, ignoring the sting, which was minor compared to the pain in my heart. The devastation in my soul. I broke her fall as her body hunched over. Shattering into pieces in my hands, slipping through my fingers.
“I’m so fucking sorry… please… you have to forgive me… I can’t lose you, too…” I murmured, my voice breaking.
Sophia and Michael just stood there, watching the two loves of their lives, breaking.
She let me take her in my arms, her head buried in my chest. Her body lying in between my legs.
“I feel like I’m dying… I feel like a part of me is dead, and I’m never going to get it back. I don’t want to hate you, but I can’t forgive you. I don’t know what to do, Alejandro. Nothing is going to bring her back,” she sobbed uncontrollably.
“Shhh… it’s okay,” I whispered, rocking her back and forth. “Shhh… I’m here. I’m here, Amari,” I reassured her at a loss for anything else to say or do.
Our lives would forever change after that day.
Especially mine.
The limo pulled into the driveway just after five in the evening. It had been a few days since the funeral, and I was trying to play catch up and get everything back in order. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep.
I was so fucking exhausted.
I stepped out of the limo, noticing Sophia’s car was parked behind Michael’s. That motherfucker was around more and more lately, consoling my sister, but I knew he had other intentions. I hadn’t seen Sophia much since the funeral, too busy dealing with worried business associates, and dodging the media that still lingered around like savages. The wedding plans were put on hold, the ceremony postponed as of now. We all needed time to heal and grieve. Neither one of us wanted to relive the painful memory that was now associated with my mother’s death.
I walked inside the house and headed straight for my bedroom, looking for Sophia. Sometimes she’d curl up on my bed and wait for me in there, or before my mom passed, she would be in the kitchen cooking with her. My chest tightened at the thought, remembering how many times I would lean against the door frame just to watch without them knowing. Loving their banter and the way they were around each other.
Memories I would cherish till the day I died.
“Cariño,” I called out, rounding the corner into my bedroom, expecting her to be waiting for me. “Sophia?” She was nowhere to be found.
I took off my suit jacket, along with the holster. Placing my guns on the nightstand and throwing the jacket on the bed. I made my way toward Amari’s room, figuring that she would be in there. Maybe hanging out with my sister who I hadn’t seen much of either. Giving her the space she obviously needed. She stayed at Michael’s more often than not, avoiding my father, and the memories of our mother that would always linger in the house.
“Sophia, you need to listen to me,” I heard Michael say from down the hallway. “I’m only trying to protect you.”
I stopped just shy of the door, wanting to hear where this was leading.
“Michael, I—”
“Do you really want this life? A life where bodyguards are constantly surrounding you because your life is always in danger? Waking up every morning not knowing if it’s your last? What about your kids? Huh? You want to risk their lives, too? Do you want to spend the rest of your life married to a criminal? Because make no mistake, Sophia, under the fancy suits and expensive façade, that’s what he will always be. A notorious gangster. Do you want to know where your love for him is going to lead you? Six-feet underground, right next to his mother. You need to go, you—”
I slowly clapped my hands, walking in. Snidely laughing, “Well, that was quite a goddamn speech, motherfucker. Next time you so much as mention my mother, I promise you, it will be you that’s six feet under.”
He narrowed his eyes at me, not backing down. “I’m not scared of you, Martinez.”
I chuckled, “That much is clear.”
“I’m trying to protect her. Save her fucking life, unlike you, who couldn’t even save your mother’s.”
“You motherfucker.” My fist connected with his jaw before he even saw it coming.
He stumbled a little, catching himself on the nightstand. Standing up and grabbing his jaw, adjusting it side to side. “You son of a bitch.” He charged me, ramming his shoulder into my torso, taking me to the ground. Sophia shrieked, immediately yelling at us to stop. Standing back watching two grown men have it out. I instantly fought back, wrestling around on the hardwood floor for a few minutes, each of us trying to get the upper hand. He was able to get on top of me, getting in a few hits to my face.
“You’re just proving my point, Martinez. That’s how you handle everything, isn’t it? Violence is all you know,” he spewed, pushing the side of my face into the floor. “That’s the life you want for your girl? Is that what you’re going to teach your kids? Huh? You’re an animal. And it’s only a matter of time until it costs you Sophia.”
“And it was only a matter of time until I fucked you up.” I hit him in the gut, and he fell forward. I flipped us over, locking him in with my weight. “I’ve warned you more than once.” I hit him. “Unlike my sister, I know what the
fuck you want and it’s not her!” I punched him again. “You don’t want to fuck with me, or what’s mine.” I hit him twice more. “You sorry ass motherfucker. Spitting your bullshit lies in my goddamn face. You’re lucky I don’t put a bullet in your fucking head right now.”
“I love Amari,” he yelled, blocking another blow.
“Alejandro, stop!” Amari shouted, trying to pull me away. “Please stop! I’m pregnant!”
I froze. Our labored breaths were the only sound in the room. I removed myself from him, our intense, crazed stares never faltered. I stood up, needing to take a few steps back to collect myself. She immediately got down on her knees in front of him, taking his bloody face between her hands. Comforting the piece of shit.
“Are you fucking kidding me? You go to him?” I seethed.
She glared up at me. There was no love for me in her eyes. Nothing.
“Jesus Christ, Alejandro, he’s on the ground, you’re standing. You insensitive prick.”
Sophia rushed over to me, trying to tend to my wounds. I pushed her hands away, not needing to be fucking babied. “I’m fine!” I yelled, startling her. “When?” I retorted, only glaring at Amari, not having any patience left in my body.
“You want to talk about this now? Are you serious?”
“How far?” I snarled through gritted teeth.
She looked down at Michael and then back at me. “A little over three months. It’s why I’ve been so pale and not eating. Morning sickness has kicked my ass. I can’t keep anything down. We wanted to wait until I was past the first trimester to tell anyone. I was going—”
“Did Mamá know?” I interrupted her, needing to know.
She shook her head no. “We were going to tell everyone the day sh-, the day she was murdered,” she announced, choking back tears. “I told her we had a surprise for her after your wedding appointments. It’s probably why she was so happy when she saw us. You know her, she knew everything before we even told her.”
I ran my hands through my hair in a frustrated gesture, wanting to tear it the fuck out. I turned away from her, looking back at Sophia. “Did you know about this?”
