“You have a beautiful home,” Zoe said. He could hear the surprise in her voice.
“Oh, this,” Harmony said, clicking again as she waved her five pounds of turquoise. “We try to do our part in this world. Material things mean nothing to us.”
From the look of this place, material things meant quite a bit to someone.
They passed by a closet with the door halfway open. Zoe stopped and peeked inside. “Is that an infusion pump?”
Harmony closed the door, pulled a ring of keys from a pocket in her flowing dress, and locked it. “Are you a doctor?” she asked, a slight edge to her tone.
Zoe shook her head. “No, I volunteered at a hospital when I was a teenager. I just recognized it.”
Harmony smiled. “We had a guest who required an infusion treatment while they were here. The medical supply company just hasn’t picked it up yet.”
Zoe nodded, and they entered the main room where the other couples were seated, and Harmony clapped her hands. “Friends, I’d like to introduce Sam and Zoe Stein.”
Zoe’s eyes flicked his way. A warning. What did she think? He’d correct the woman and say their last name was Sinclair? His aura was yellow. He wasn’t a moron.
“Zoe and Sam,” Bud said, gesturing to the couples. “That’s John and Marta Payne.”
A rigid, antiseptic-looking couple produced tight smiles.
“Here, we’ve got Lee and Leanne Morehead.”
Sam nodded to the couple who looked more like siblings than spouses.
“And these are the Cobbledicks, Stu and Candy.”
A couple who looked ready to hit the Vegas Strip waved.
Zoe stiffened. “I’m sorry?”
“We’re Candy and Stu Cobbledick from Emporia, Kansas,” the woman said, smiling up at them like she didn’t just say Cobbledick.
“Sam and Zoe, why don’t you sit together next to the Moreheads,” Harmony said, pointing toward two chairs at the end of the long table.
He didn’t dare look at Zoe. He’d heard a lot of unusual names in his travels, but Cobbledick had to take the cake. Between the New Age aura cleansing and the comical last names—Morehead was pretty damn good, too—he could only imagine what was going on in Zoe’s mind.
Zoe sat down next to Leanne, and he took the chair next to her. He chanced a look and glanced over at her. She’d pressed her lips together in a tight smile. This was her hold your tongue look. He’d seen this face many times when they were hanging out with Kate. Zoe’s fingers brushed over her wrist, and she gently touched the braided friendship bracelet her niece had given her before they left. A warm sensation filled his chest. She must have been thinking about Kate, too.
Harmony set a few feathers on the table along with more of those sticks bound with twine. “All right, everyone. A little housekeeping before we get started. Your rooms are upstairs. You’ll find your names on the door of the room that will be your sexual sanctuary for the next few days.”
Zoe stiffened and twisted the bracelet.
Jesus! How was he going to get through this? All he’d wanted to do these last five years was put aside his past and give in to his desire. Instead, he’d lived like a monk, knowing friendship was all he could offer. It was easier those first couple of years after she’d returned to Langley Park. The focus was on Ben and Kate—and more so Kate. She was so little back then. Most of their time together was spent with her so Ben could focus on work. Taking her to the park. Going to the library. Strolling through the Langley Park Botanic Gardens. Despite the sadness that shrouded those first few years, they were some of the happiest days of his life. Zoe was so preoccupied with her niece, he could have her to himself and not worry about her wanting more from him, but the feeling of warmth those memories used to bring turned slimy and cold.
He was a bastard. A bastard to believe Zoe had been too busy to love him. He’d glossed over the longing in her gaze. He’d masked his awareness of her love, hoping she’d stop wanting more. What a fool! When had Zoe ever stopped fighting for something she believed in?
The couples sat quietly as Bud went around the table distributing small stone bowls and lighters.
“While Bud’s handing out the rest of the items you’ll need for our ritual, I just want to remind you all that you’ve signed waivers to participate in the retreat activities. Neither I, nor Bud, have any formal training in couples counseling. Everything we share with you over the next couple of days comes from our own experiences as sexual beings. However,” Harmony added with a twinkle in her eye. “Bud has taken several online Tantra courses and was recently ordained.”
Bud nodded, and Sam swallowed hard. He glanced at Zoe. She was trying to hide it, but she looked equally freaked out.
“Time to get naked,” Harmony said as serious as a heart attack.
The couples glanced around the table nervously. The white-knuckled Paynes looked terrified.
The Moreheads started unbuttoning their shirts, but Harmony stopped them. “Not your clothes. Your rings. The symbol of your commitment to each other. You’re going to take off your rings, and we’re going to let the burning sage get rid of the negativity around these sacred objects. These rings hold your story. We want to make sure to cleanse them of any negativity.”
“What’s the feather for?” Stu Cobbledick asked.
“To fan the smoke onto the rings,” Bud answered.
Sam released a breath. This wasn’t so bad. He could fan smoke onto rings. But when he glanced at Zoe, she wouldn’t meet his gaze. Just like before she left Park Tavern, she was purposefully pulling away, and it cut him to the bone.
Zoe slid the ring off her finger and placed it on the table, and he did the same. He’d been wearing it for less than an hour, and he already felt naked without it.
Bud showed them how to light the sage stick, and soon they were fanning the smoke toward the rings. Zoe still wouldn’t look at him, her gaze trained on the braided bands. After a few minutes, Harmony called for their attention.
“I almost forgot!” she gasped. “We need an intention! Couples, extinguish your smudging sticks, hold hands, and repeat after me: These rings are a symbol of our unbreakable bond.”
He took care of the sage then turned to Zoe and held out his hands. She unclenched her fists and placed them into his, so small, but so perfectly matched it made him want to weep.
Bud tapped him on the shoulder. “Well, go on, you two. You first, Sam.”
“These rings are a symbol of our unbreakable bond.”
Like a magical incantation, the air buzzed. The energy changed. Warmth filled his chest and radiated toward his limbs. When he’d spoken words like these to Kara, it was an actual shotgun wedding. Her father had a real rifle mounted on the wall of his chambers where they’d recited detached vows. The words he’d spoken that day had fallen flat, each syllable a lead weight, pulling him into the abyss. It was nothingness. It was emptiness. It was hell. It was the polar opposite of what was thrumming through his veins as he spoke to Zoe.
Now, in this farmhouse with her, everything was alive. The warmth of her hands. Her gentle breathing. The earthy sage mixed with her sweet scent that reminded him of laughter and long summer days.
“Now you, Zoe.”
She glanced at Bud then brought her gaze back to him. Her hands trembled. “These rings are a symbol of our unbreakable bond.” She rattled off the words then pulled her shaking hands away.
He swallowed hard. Would they be able to take three days of this?
“Wonderful!” Harmony said, cutting into his thoughts. “Now, the last activity we’re going to do before dinner is a four-minute grounding exercise. No touching with this one. Now turn and face your partner.”
He breathed a tentative sigh of relief. They could make it through four minutes. That was nothing. It would go by in a blink. He angled his body toward her. To fit, Zoe slid her slim legs between his muscled, powerful thighs, and he couldn’t help the burst of lust that rushed through him. Images of her on his
truck flashed through his mind. It would take less than a second to sweep her off that chair and into his lap. She could be straddling him, her body pressed flush against his in the space of a second. He took a breath and steadied himself.
“For this exercise, you’re going to stare into each other’s eyes,” Harmony continued.
“Can we talk to each other?” Lee Morehead asked.
Harmony shook her head. “No talking. Only looking. I’ll let you know when time’s up. Now, begin.”
He sat forward and focused his gaze on Zoe’s eyes. He’d never done anything like this before. He could see her soul. His vision went fuzzy, and time overlapped. Images of Zoe smiling and hanging upside-down from a tree branch collided with the sensation of her body tucked warmly against him as they slept in her bed. The splash of water as he thrust inside her. The twinkle in her eye as she called naughty bingo. The carousel of memories spun faster and faster. Then everything slowed, and he saw her, bathed in pink light, holding a baby—their baby.
“I can’t!” Zoe cried, pushing back in her chair, the legs screeching against the floor. She tore out of the room and headed toward a grand staircase.
“No need to worry, everyone,” Harmony soothed. “These things happen. Refocus on your spouse, and then we’ll continue.”
Sam glanced around the table. Everyone’s gaze was trained on him. “I’m just going to…”
Fuck it! He didn’t know these people. He got up and headed for the stairs. Once he hit the second floor, he went door to door until he found the one with Zoe and Cam written on a neat, rectangular chalkboard with an inch of chalk hanging from a piece of string. He erased the C in Cam with his finger and made an S.
He knocked once then opened the door. The room, like the rest of the house, was cozy and farmhouse chic, decked in warm hues and rich fabrics. He took a hesitant step inside and closed the door. She sat at a small desk next to the bed, arms crossed, chin to chest.
“I could have done a lot with Morehead.”
The tightness in his shoulders loosened a fraction. He’d come ready for another fight. Another round of questioning. Out of mercy or maybe out of self-preservation—he didn’t know which—she’d fallen back into their rhythm. That layer of humor they used to separate themselves from the truth they’d danced around for years.
He sat down on the side of the bed. “I know.”
“Then Cobbledick,” she said on a gasp, holding back a sob.
It killed him to see her hurting, but he needed to play along. “Yeah, I don’t know how you held yourself back.”
She lifted her chin and met his gaze, eyes shining with unshed tears. “I’m so mad at you, Sam.”
He looked down at the ring on his finger. “I’m sorry.”
She turned and leaned forward. “I need to know.”
He shook his head. They were back to this. “I don’t want to lose you, Zoe.”
Her bottom lip trembled, and she captured him with those haunting, gray-blue eyes. “How could you lose me? You’ve always had me.”
The pain of those words slashed into his soul. “I don’t deserve you.”
She sat back. The tears were gone. Now anger heated her cheeks. “Why don’t you let me decide what I don’t deserve!”
“I told you—” he began, but she cut him off.
“You don’t have to repeat yourself. I remember what you told me. You said it was a stain. You won’t tell me what was in that journal, only that it’s left a stain on us. Some Scarlet Letter you wear that you won’t even begin to try and help me understand.”
He took her hands into his. “It’s because I care about you. I care so fucking much for you.”
She pulled her hands from his grip and went to the window. “I can’t do this anymore, Sam. I can’t be your friend. Not anymore.”
“Z.”
Her eyes flashed anger. “I told you not to call me that.”
“Then what are we going to do when we get back to Langley Park? Act like we don’t know each other? At least this way we get to be together.”
She released a bark of a laugh. “Be together? Is that what you think has been going on between us? You’d consider us together?”
“It’s better than—”
She shook her head. “No, I used to think so. I used to think this was enough. But it’s not.”
A slice of silence stretched between them.
She ran her fingertips down the length of the window pane. “I’m friends with the program director of WBUR in Boston. I’m going to see about getting hired on there or maybe Denver. I know a reporter at Colorado Public Radio. But I can’t stay in Langley Park. I don’t need to be there anymore. Ben and Kate have Jenna. They don’t need me like they used to.” She turned from the window and met his gaze. “After I finish this investigation into the detention center, it’s time I move on. It’s time for me to let you go.”
13
“Can you hear that?”
Zoe sat on a yoga mat in the middle of a sunflower field, trying to hear anything besides the sound of her heart breaking.
“That’s the sound of your mind connecting with the vibrations of Mother Earth,” Harmony said, leading the women through an outdoor guided meditation.
The couples had separated after breakfast to have peer encounter time, with the women going with Harmony and the men going with Bud. A blessing after the night she’d had with Sam.
She’d woken up alone in the king size bed. He’d slept on the love seat in their room’s cozy sitting area. His long legs hung over the side of the small couch, and he looked just as pained in his sleep as he did last night. She hated hurting him, but she’d reached her breaking point, and she couldn’t go on as they had these last five years.
And then there was what she saw in his eyes.
Everything. She saw everything. Like a flip book of memories that would never be hers, she saw her future, standing next to Sam. Mornings, tangled together in bed making love. Nights, staring up at the stars, cuddled together in the bed of his truck. She saw light and love and laughter. But when the face of the sweetest baby she’d ever seen flashed in his emerald eyes, she’d lost it. No matter what she’d seen, she couldn’t build a life with a man who saw them as stained. All these years, she’d hoped something would change. Some switch would flip and, like all her dearest friends, she would get her happily ever after, too.
And while she would miss her friends and family, it wasn’t as if Denver or Boston were a world away. A few hours on a plane is all it would take to be back home.
Home.
It was time she stopped starring as the comic relief in the lives of those she loved and started writing her own story. A story where Sam Sinclair wasn’t the hero standing at the end of a rainbow.
“Breathe. Relax. Refocus,” Harmony coaxed.
Zoe exhaled a long breath. Refocus. That’s what she needed to do. She wasn’t here to work on her relationship issues—things with Sam were beyond repair. She was here to get information about the girls’ detention facility. And so far, she hadn’t learned anything new.
Harmony shifted to a cross-legged position on her mat. “All right, ladies. Let’s share another story. Zoe, you’re up.”
This morning hadn’t been that different than spending a morning in her mother’s yoga studio. A lot of breathing. A lot of stretching. Except, between bursts of yoga which Zoe was pretty sure Harmony wasn’t cueing quite right—she’d never heard of the pose downward facing dildo—the women were encouraged to share what brought them to the Intimacy Now retreat.
The Paynes owned a busy dental practice out on the Kansas plains and had two children. Between the patients, the business, and the kids, they’d grown apart. The Moreheads were there for exactly that reason. Mr. Morehead wanted more head and more of everything else when it came to bedroom escapades. But with six daughters, all competitive gymnasts who needed to be carted all over town for classes and competitions, Leanne was too exhausted at the end of the day to partici
pate in carnal cartwheels with her husband.
And the Cobbledicks?
They were both herpetologists. Zoe nearly released her root lock or her Mula Bonda—her mother would be proud she even remembered that yoga term—and pissed herself before Candy Cobbledick, Ph.D. explained that herpetology was the study of amphibians and reptiles. She and Stu had recently left teaching positions at a college in Las Vegas and moved to Emporia, Kansas, to teach and be closer to her family. They’d enjoyed the kinkier side of the Vegas Strip and were finding it hard to get that itch scratched now that they were living in the sunflower state.
Zoe glanced at the women. Despite her initial impressions of the group, the women were kind and open. They’d come to the Intimacy Now retreat hoping to improve their relationships. She couldn’t fault them for that. Even Harmony, who she was ninety-nine percent sure was high as a kite, listened and offered helpful words.
Zoe cleared her throat. “Sam and I are here because we have communication problems.”
“He wants you to wear a strap-on, and you’re not into it?” Candy Cobbledick, Ph.D. asked.
“Um, no. Not that,” Zoe replied. “He has a secret, and he won’t tell me what it is.”
“What kind of secret?” Marta Payne asked.
Zoe did another scan of the group. What did she have to lose? “A secret about his dead ex-wife. That’s terrible, right?”
Leanne offered her a sympathetic smile. “Not necessarily. Have you told him you want to talk about it?”
“Yes, several times. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He says if I learn this secret, it’ll bring me more pain than not knowing it. But here’s the thing. The not knowing, that’s what’s killing me. That he can’t trust me with this, that he doubts my love is strong enough to endure it. That’s what’s tearing me apart.”
Candy reached over and patted her hand. “Oh, Zoe! I’m sorry it’s not the strap-on issue. That seems a lot easier to fix than the heavy stuff you and Sam are going through.”
Harmony clapped her hands. “I know! Let’s call the four corners for our friend, Zoe. Everyone, close your eyes.”
The Complete Langley Park Series (Books 1-5) Page 119
