“But Jack Nicholson did tell Tom Cruise everything,” Lee Morehead said.
John Payne nodded. “Yeah, he’s right. Tom Cruise says, ‘Did you order the code red?’ And then Nicholson is like, ‘You’re Goddamn right I did!’”
Sam grimaced. Christ, his ass hurt! “Fine! Then tell Zoe, I’d pull a total Jack Nicholson. I’d tell her everything. I’d order the code. Whatever she wanted, I’d do it!”
The men began discussing the finer points of A Few Good Men when Stu Cobbledick reappeared.
“You’re not going to die, Sam.”
Stu must have been behind him the whole time staring at his ass!
“I looked at the bite on your butt. It’s a bit inflamed, but there’s barely any swelling. All you need to do is wash it with soap and water.”
Sam gasped. “What? It hurts like hell!”
“Yeah, you got bit by a venomous snake. But you’re walking around, yelling things, and your respiration is normal. Very few of these bites are fatal, especially for a man of your size.” His gaze dropped.
Sam pulled up his boxer briefs which had come down when he’d fallen catching the dentist with the precious fucking hands. He adjusted himself, making sure all his naughty bits weren’t exposed. He met Stu’s gaze. “Don’t I need antivenom? Don’t I need to be rushed to the hospital?”
Stu shook his head. “No, I think you’ll be fine. You’re not a child. You’re not elderly. I’m guessing you’re not on an immune-suppressing medication.”
Sam took a breath as a rush of relief crashed over him. “I’m gonna be okay?”
“Yeah, you should be fine.”
Sam’s gaze bounced between the men. A grin the size of Texas stretched across his face. “I can tell Zoe that I love her and that I want to tell her everything?”
Bud clapped his back. “Yes, Sam, you can! What a breakthrough!”
Sam stared out at the water, feeling like a new man. “I’m going to do it! I’ve got to do it!”
“Let us help you, Sam! What can we do?” John asked as the men nodded.
“It’s gotta be big, guys. I’ve really screwed up.”
14
“Are you guys sure this is going to work?”
Sam glanced around at the men—all running in their underwear. In his rush to get back to Zoe, he’d forgotten about his shirt and pants. Stu, Lee, and Bud had the good sense to put on their underwear, but not the great sense to grab all their clothes. Still—these men were going to help him get Zoe back. Clothed or partially clothed, he owed them big-time.
John Payne tried to catch his breath. “We’ve sung it twice. It’s not perfect, and you sound like absolute shit, Sam. But it’s the gesture, and it’s the only song we all know. Just sing the refrain, and you’ll be fine.”
On their mostly naked run back to the farmhouse while brainstorming romantic gestures, it came out that Lee, John, and Stu all had sung in men’s a cappella groups in college, and the one song they’d all remembered was Boyz II Men’s “On Bended Knee.”
Cheesy as fuck! But it was the best they had, and since he’s one cheesy, giant ginger, he already knew the words. Because at the end of the day, it really was one hell of a get back together song.
“The singing should bring Zoe outside, and then I’ll go down on a knee and beg,” Sam said as they ran up the dirt path and the farmhouse came into sight.
John agreed. “I think that’s the best we’ve got right now. You could always show her the snake bite on your ass. That may get you a little sympathy.”
“Nah, I’m going to lead with the whole Jack Nicholson, I know you can handle the truth thing.”
“You’re sure she’s seen the movie?” Lee asked.
“Yeah, everyone’s seen that movie. We watched it a couple of years back and acted it out.”
Stu’s eyes went wide. “In bed?”
Sam shook his head. “No, dude, not in bed! Who the hell acts out that movie in bed?”
Stu shrugged his shoulders.
“We just played around with the ‘handle the truth’ part in Jack Nicholson’s voice.” Jesus, Zoe was adorable that night. Standing on his couch. Wine glass in hand. Pinched face, acting out the scene. They’d laughed for hours doing that.
“Did you use sex toys?” Stu pressed.
Sam needed to focus, but Doctor Herpetologist over here was getting him off track. “Stu, dude! No! We were just playing around.”
But there was no time for another run-through. They’d arrived at the farmhouse, but the women weren’t inside. They were sitting on rocking chairs on the front porch passing around glass cylinder-looking things. Sam came to a screeching halt at the steps leading up to the porch, and the men fanned in around him.
Zoe pointed a glass tube-thing at him. “Where are your clothes?”
The women stared at the men, brows knit into tight perplexed expressions. Marta Payne looked ready to say something when her husband snapped his fingers and counted them down. In four quick beats, the barely clothed men were crooning out a decent a capella intro with Bud adding a rather lovely baritone to the mix. Sam shook his head. He had to get in the game. This was his big chance.
He dropped to his knee and gazed onto the porch. Zoe stood before him. Now closer, it looked like she was clutching a giant glass penis.
Focus!
The men did a few oohs and ahhs and a fancy sounding doo-woppy a capella thing that really seemed to work before he joined in. Zoe’s jawed dropped as he sang his heart out. He chanced a glance at the other women. Now, they were all smiling.
Jesus! Maybe this would work!
He brought his gaze back to Zoe who appeared gobsmacked—a term he didn’t use lightly—and her gray-blue eyes shined with tears as he finished singing the refrain.
The men stopped singing.
Sam swallowed hard. “Zoe, I don’t want to lose you.”
“Sam, I—”
He reached out to her. “Wait! Just let me say what I need to say.”
Her bottom lip trembled, but she nodded.
“I’ve screwed up. I’ve held things back from you. I haven’t been the man you needed or that you deserved these past years.”
A tear trailed down her cheek.
“That all changes now.” He sucked in a breath and channeled Jack Nicholson. “I know you can handle the truth.”
Zoe cocked her head to the side. “What?”
Sam shook his head. It was too soon to quote the movie. “What I mean is that I’ll answer any questions you have. Anything you want to know, I’ll tell you.” He sucked in a shaky breath. “I love you, Zoe Stein. I’ve loved you since back when I used to throw you into the swimming pool and watch you hang from tree branches. I’ve loved you since I dragged your ass out of that shithole bar in Kansas City. I’ve loved you since you called naughty bingo at the old folks’ home.”
She took a step closer and wiped another tear from her cheek with the hand not holding a giant glass dildo.
He pressed on. “If you want to go to Boston, we’ll go to Boston. If you want to go to Denver, we’ll go to Denver. Your brother, my brother, my cousin, our friends, they’ve all found love and have made a home. You’re my home, Zoe. Our story starts now. The Zoe and Sam story starts here and now.”
She came down from the porch, wiped another tear, and pointed the dildo at him. “You have to promise me no more lies. You have to tell me everything—no matter what you’re afraid it will do to me.”
He nodded. “I’m an open book, Z. I love you so much. I want you so badly. I even masturbate listening to you on the radio sometimes.”
Her mouth formed a shocked oh.
Dammit! Too much information.
“On the radio?” Candy Cobbledick asked.
Zoe looked back at the porch. “I’m with Kansas Public Radio,” she said then met his gaze with that perfect twinkle back in her eye. “What else do you do?”
His heart was in his throat. This crazy-ass attempt to get her back was working. H
e swallowed past the emotion. “I’ve got a coaster from that bar I carried you out of, a cherry stem from that sundae, and a pink-tipped strand of your hair in a box in my sock drawer.”
She blinked back tears. “That’s serial killer creepy, Sam, but I’m totally okay with it.”
His cheeks were wet. Jesus! Now he was crying. “A snake bit me in the ass today, Z.”
Her eyes went wide.
“It was a venomous snake, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to live or die.”
Stu shook his head. “He was never going to die.”
Sam waved off the herpes doctor. “The point is, I thought I was. And all I wanted in those last minutes was tell you that I wanted to be with you. That I’d do anything to prove my love. We’re not stained, Z. Nothing can tarnish the love we have for each other. Nothing. I know that now. It’s as clear as that giant penis you’re holding.”
Zoe glanced at the glass cock, laughing through tears.
He stood. “Can I please kiss you, now, Z?”
“Hold on!” Bud called, really jacking up the momentum of the moment. “Let’s press pause on that kiss.”
“Why?” he and Zoe asked in unison.
Bud looked to his wife. “It’s time. Do you feel it, Harmony?”
The woman joined them. “At Intimacy Now, we’ve added a vow renewal ceremony. This is the perfect time to do yours.”
“Renewal?” Zoe echoed.
Bud nodded. “I’ve recently been ordained, so this vow renewal is as legitimate as a real marriage ceremony.”
“You mean, this would count as marrying us if we weren’t already married?” Zoe pressed.
“Yeah, it would. I’m the real deal. Are you ready?” Bud asked.
Zoe’s gaze shifted from Bud and fell on him.
He took her hand. “What do you say, Z? I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life. Will you marry me…again?” he added, almost forgetting they were already supposed to be a married couple.
She held his gaze, and he saw everything he’d ever wanted in her eyes.
She smiled. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”
His heart was ready to explode. Standing in front of a farmhouse in his boxer shorts, he grinned like an idiot at the woman he’d loved his entire life who had just agreed to marry him while wielding a giant glass cock.
Truth be told, he wouldn’t have had it any other way. This crazy, bizarre, comical, beautiful situation was uniquely them.
“Everyone,” Harmony called out. “Gather around!”
The couples came together. Marta Payne joined her husband and kissed his cheek. “You haven’t sung in years, John.”
Leanne took Lee’s hand. “Neither have you, Lee. It reminded me of when you used to sing to me before we had the girls,” she said, eyes shining with tears.
Candy took her place next to Stu. A naughty glint flashed in her eyes. “Did you get a good look at the copperhead bite on Sam’s butt?”
“Oh, yeah,” Stu answered in just about the creepiest way “Oh, yeah” could be uttered.
But Sam didn’t care if Stu Cobbledick sketched his ass and hung it on his fridge. He was about to get married.
“Please, take off your rings and hand them to me,” Bud directed.
Zoe looked down at the glass penis. “Could somebody take this?” she asked, like a bride ready to hand her bouquet to her bride’s maid. Except, in their case, it was a dildo.
“I’ll take that,” Candy offered.
Sam took off his ring and handed it to Bud, and Zoe did the same.
Candy leaned in to get a better look at their rings. “The braided design of your bands reminds me of the little copperhead that brushed past you today, Zoe.”
“You had a run in with a snake, too?” Sam asked.
Zoe nodded. “Yeah, it slithered past me and brushed my leg when we were meditating in the field.”
“What did I tell you, Zoe?” Harmony chimed in. “You and Sam were both visited by a snake, and that changed the course of your relationship.”
Zoe gave a reluctant nod. “I still hate the damn things.”
He took her hands. “After today, I don’t like those slithery bastards either, Z. But I’d gladly be bitten a thousand times if it led to marrying you.”
“Shall we begin?” Bud asked.
“Yesss,” Zoe whispered, holding the s sound a second longer like a snake hiss.
Christ Almighty! This woman!
Bud began to wax poetic, rambling on about the mysteries of the universe, but Sam couldn’t focus on his words. In front of him stood the light of his life. Luckily, his brain tuned in when Bud spoke the words he’d only dreamed of hearing.
“Zoe, do you take Sam to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
Her eyes sparkled with tears. “I do.”
“Sam, do you take Zoe to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
He released her hands and cupped her cheeks. “Before I say I do, I want to make you three promises, Z.”
She rested her hands over his. “Okay.”
“I promise never to keep anything from you again, and I promise never to be a knuckle-dragging bag of dicks.”
“Those are two good ones,” she said, blinking back tears. “What’s the third?”
“I promise to always honor your strength and your spirit every day for the rest of my life.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
He dropped his hands and glanced at Bud.
The man nodded. “Now, Sam, do you take Zoe to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
He held Zoe’s gaze. “I do.”
“The rings,” Bud said, handing Zoe his ring.
“Place the ring on Sam’s finger and repeat, with this ring I thee wed.”
Zoe slid the band on his finger and repeated the phrase.
“Your turn, Sam.”
He held her hand. A hand he knew as well as he knew his own and gently worked the braided band down her finger. He stared into her eyes. “With this ring, I thee wed.”
“By the power invested in me by Get Ordained Fast dot com, I now pronounce you man and wife. Sam, you may kiss your bride.”
Within the space of a breath, Zoe had jumped into his arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist. “Congratulations, Mr. Stein.”
“Christ! I love you,” he said as their lips came together.
He held her in place with one hand supporting her ass while the other threaded its way into her hair. Relief, lust, elation, and adoration rushed through him. It was like waiting a lifetime to open a priceless bottle of your favorite wine only to find it tasted even better than you’d imagined. The past, the present, and the future all overlapped. Nothing existed except this woman and their unbreakable bond. He deepened the kiss, tracing the seam of her lips with his tongue. She opened and sighed into his mouth.
When he’d kissed her yesterday, he’d been driven by lust and longing. He’d allowed guilt and pain to hold him back—just as it had held him back all these years. Now, he was free. Free to love her. Free to be her husband, her true partner.
He hardened, his thick length desperate to be back inside her. Zoe rocked against him, and he squeezed her ass. She tightened her hold, swaying her hips from side to side, grinding against his cock.
“Um…Sam? Zoe?”
Bud’s voice broke through their little lust bubble. Zoe pulled back and glanced around.
Dammit! He’d forgotten eight people were watching. Zoe released her grip, and he gently set her down.
Bud held out a key. “Congratulations!”
“What’s that for?” Zoe asked, taking the shiny bit of metal.
Harmony beamed. “You two get to spend the night in the love bungalow.”
“The love what?” he asked.
“It’s a secluded cabin on the property. We save it for couples who’ve made a significant breakthrough,” Bud answered. “Just follow the path we took to get back to the farmhouse and hang a right at the pond.”
“Enjoy your we
dding renewal night!” Harmony added.
Candy Cobbledick held out the giant glass penis. “And don’t forget this.”
“Oh, thank you, Candy! Would you mind dropping it off in our room? I don’t think we’ll be needing it tonight,” Zoe said, graciously turning down the cock.
This gave him a second to assess his clothing or lack of clothing situation. “Give me two seconds,” he said, looking down at his rather huge boner. “I think I’d like to—”
“Put on some clothes and cover up that giant erection?” she supplied with a naughty smile.
“That—and it’s getting a little chilly,” he replied, tossing her a wink. He didn’t give two shits who saw his giant boner. Nothing could dampen his spirits, but with the sun beginning to set, he knew the Midwest fall weather could change on a dime.
“The cold hasn’t seemed to affect your—” Stu Cobbledick began, but Zoe cut him off.
“Go put on some clothes, but don’t keep me waiting long.”
Like a sprinter off the block, he ran into the house, up the stairs, and into their room. Grabbing a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, he ran out into the hallway, nearly falling on his ass as he descended the stairs still pulling on a pant leg. He burst through the door and out onto the porch.
Zoe gasped. “That was freakishly fast.”
“Looks like somebody is ready for his second honeymoon,” Lee Morehead added.
Leanne stroked her husband’s arm. “I could do with a reenactment of our honeymoon.”
Sam scanned the group. Once tense and uncomfortable, the couples now gazed lovingly at each other. Look at that! Not only had he gotten the girl. His man-squad looked to be on the road to getting their marital juju back, too.
He and Zoe waved goodbye and set off down the path. After a few minutes, he glanced at Zoe who’d become quiet.
She was in her head. He squeezed her hand. “Do you want me to tell you what I wrote now?”
She looked up at him. “I certainly don’t want you to start masturbating to my voice. So, yeah, I better let you do the talking.”
He chuckled. There she was—that beautiful soul who could always lighten the load. He’d seen her do it hundreds, maybe thousands of times. From strangers to her closest friends and family, she made everything easier, brighter, safer. She made whatever weighed heavy on your mind a fraction lighter, a measure more manageable. He’d thought this would be hard. Scratch that. He’d never thought about this because he’d sworn to himself that he’d never share the details of Kara’s death with anyone—especially Zoe. For years, he’d wrapped Kara’s death in layer upon layer of guilt and pain. It had ceased being a memory and had become more like a weight he carried, every day dragging him down.
The Complete Langley Park Series (Books 1-5) Page 121
