by J E Mueller
“I can start now if you’d like,” I insisted, hoping my nod made it convincing.
She shook her head. “Settle in, I’ll call when dinner’s ready.” Turning, she went downstairs ending the conversation.
Opening the door in front of me, I walked into a modest room. The bed had a warm quilt laid out on it. There was also a desk and a water basin. An empty wardrobe was placed by the window, ready for immediate use. The sight of the bed made me yawn. Celia was right. I could use a long nap.
Chapter 4
My dreams twisted and turned. Why did the missing princess run away, the villagers asked? Well, there were a great many reasons, and their popular guesses weren’t close. Isaac sadly wasn’t the only one to die – just the first. While it can be said that wasn’t my fault, since no one told me I was cursed, it was still someone's fault. They didn’t want to blame my mother, and I was too young to blame directly, but that didn’t mean they didn’t hold a grudge against me.
Still, time went on. We grew up a bit before the next time discord wove its way back into our hearts. It was just over two years later. I was six, and it was another wonderful day outside. By this point I had grown into my gloves and they didn’t hinder my play. I ran and jumped and chased my siblings, Zarek and Elena, while Mother chatted on a blanket nearby with the others, Sandra and David. At the time Zarek was twelve, Elena fourteen. David was already seventeen and Sandra was sixteen so our childish games were beneath them. Not that it bothered me. Sewing lessons that made Sandra’s day bored me to tears, and the court workings that David liked to discuss were not in my range of interests.
Elena was stuck firmly between both worlds – wanting to run and play but expected to sit properly and meet the lads of the court she’d need to know well someday. Zarek was a year off from such things, so much of our spare time was spent together.
On this particular day Zarek and I were running along one of the stone walls, heavens only know how we got up there. Elena was trying to convince us to come down, to no avail. Mother finally tried to intervene and called for us to get down. At that moment, I lost my footing. Without thinking Elena grabbed me, preventing me from smacking into the ground. She had an arm wrapped firmly around my waist and my arm. The sleeve of my dress shifted in the tumble. I barely noticed the brush of her skin against mine.
Elena dropped me, shock reaching her before she started screaming. Everyone saw what happened and rushed to her aid. I ran the other way. At this point I knew well what was happening and who would be blamed. I stayed hidden deep within the gardens for the remainder of the day. My eyes were puffy and red from crying when a guard finally found me. No one asked to see me when I was brought back, but it was better that way. I couldn’t have faced them anyway.
A week or so later a healer was sent to speak with me. They gave me a well worn speech on grief and loss, but nothing reached my ears until they mentioned curses. Many in the world had curses and gifts. Some curses can be turned into gifts and some can be broken. If I was willing to work with this healer there might be hope.
“So, if it is understood, young princess, we will start assessing your skills right away,” the healer said.
I stared up at the strange new person, “Mommy said we were doing all right. Why the new lessons?” I gave a little curtsey, trying to mind my manners as best I could with the new healer. “I’m sorry for being confused.”
“Your mother is interested in new options. There are many different thoughts on how to help, and we would love to give you a chance to turn this into something constructive!” the healer smiled with glee.
I nodded my head, like I had seen Sandra do hundreds of times in her lessons. Part of me was thrilled to have special lessons to myself, while the other half was worried about what ‘something constructive’ could mean.
“Perfect. Are you ready to start? I have your mother’s full permission to begin right away. These matters are too complex for one person to handle alone. Isn’t it exciting to learn something new?”
I nodded once more at the healer and wondered if Sandra always understood what she was agreeing to.
After some time working together, the healer was convinced my emotions were the source of my deadly touch. As long as I was happy I was safe. No one liked the idea, but if it was true, this would help with many problems. When the healer tried to demonstrate that I was safe to touch, another body was added to the list.
Mother apologized for not trying to get me help sooner, but after the experience I had gone through with the healer and the recent death of Elena, I didn’t want more help.
I had learned a lot in those few weeks. It helped show me many of the complications of my curse that I needed to be aware of in order to help myself in the future.
While my soul wasn’t lost, it was as if I had a target on my back. Demons instinctively could tell the difference between those who were normal, cursed, and in between. Someone whose soul wasn’t gone, but had once been promised like mine, was seen as a way to rise in ranks. By winning the soul they would complete the deal that had cursed the soul to begin with. This would in turn allow them to move up in their dark demon ranks. To cause intentional harm or to take my own life, it would be letting them win. Letting that terrible mad king have his victory, even in death.
All of this was becoming too much for a little six year old's heart. It was almost two weeks before I spoke with anyone again.
After that my mother learned to take extra precautions with me; there were all sorts of unspoken rules. The whispers were the hardest part, the constant reminders that my siblings had to be careful near me. All were sworn to secrec,y but gossip still traveled like a plague. What hurt the most was the physical distance Mother put between myself and her. Even in the same room, it felt like miles when we had once been so close.
I felt alone. I felt tired. Every day was a hopeless cycle. I started to love books and being indoors. The smell of the books brought me peace, and before long the library became my refuge. The towers of books and stacks of once beloved scrolls were my safe haven. It was nearly always empty of people, and I could spend hours there before someone would think to seek me out. I’d find a corner or empty a shelf and sit, hidden, enjoying the various tales. The worse the character's predicament, the better. If they could survive their trials it helped me find hope.
By the time I was twelve I could make my own clothes and had written some short stories. Not that I showed anyone my work. If they had their whispers, I could have my hidden words too. Sewing time was one of the few mandatory things I attended, and usually no one had anything to say to me, so it was a quiet time. It was the only reason I came to enjoy it.
When I had started to tire of just reading about happy endings, a new idea set in. What if I needed to leave like the characters in the books had? There was so much to learn about the outside world, so I began reading everything I could. It started with survival books. Before long I stole a knife from the kitchens and practiced the techniques I learned. I even nabbed a wooden practice sword. In my room I had an earthen pot with kindling in it that I would practice setting aflame.
Just before I was to turn thirteen, Mother’s illness became serious. Most court dealings went on as usual. David and Sandra were old enough to handle them on their own. At one point I wondered if there was anything I could do to help, or what I should be doing at all.
“We will worry about it when we have the time,” Sandra replied to my question as she left one meeting and headed for her daily court session.
Everything inside me wanted to scream. I knew my mother was dying due to having me; there had to be something more I could be doing. “I’m sure there must be something, even small I could help with. You’ve too much to do on your own,” I insisted instead.
“And that is what David is for. We’ve no time with mother dying to worry about anything else. You can keep yourself busy until you are needed.” Sandra snapped at me and picked up her pace.
With a defeated sigh, I
stopped and watched her disappear from sight.
Her response had been slightly better than my brother’s, but only just a little. David, too busy to even look in my direction, just said, “Stay out of the way”.
Part of me wondered if Mother ever bothered to tell them the truth about her sickness. Even if I had the desire to know, I didn’t have the courage to ask.
Life’s routines were terribly broken as Mother’s condition reached a critical state. Zarek reached the age where he was constantly in lessons and there was no one left to go to. Mother was the one who kept us together, who made family time for us each day. Without her, I was forgotten.
Since I had no one else, I visited Mother often. The healers couldn’t solve her illness and she began to worsen. There was talk that it could be a spell, someone could have sent a curse to weaken the kingdom. Then the talking stopped whenever I entered the room. They all knew the truth, there was already a curse here. It surprised me that no one had brought up what I had heard all those years ago that my curse had slowly been killing her. My anxiety became constant as her condition worsened. Would someone finally point fingers and place the blame on me? It certainly did belong to me, but what then? Would they toss me out or in the dungeon? I blocked out the thoughts as best I could, but the memory always found its way back.
Days stretched into weeks and her condition continued to deteriorate. Life left her eyes as the color drained from her skin. She stopped eating and before long looked like nothing more than skin stretched over bones. Fever raged through her feeble body, and if she spoke, her words made no sense. It was only a matter of time.
It had at long last reached the point where nothing helped. The healers only came every so often to check on her since nothing more could be done. My siblings made a daily appearance, but it only lasted a few moments. I spent many hours alone with mother.
Then came the day she finally looked me in the eyes and spoke, “Please…”
One word. One request that shattered my heart. Something inside of me screamed, but I understood what she wanted. My heart beat faster, was this really what it was going to come to? Her suffering had lasted long enough.
But what if there was still a chance? A sliver of hope in the distance we couldn’t yet see? Was it wrong to keep her holding on just in case she could be saved? Questions raced through my mind.
Again, “Please, Kikara…” Her words bespoke a pain deeper than my own.
Without another word, I gave her a soft kiss on the forehead. I felt my heart drop, and emptiness settled in. Moments later she was gone. No screaming, no more pain. Blissful and painful silence filled the room.
Not wasting another second, I fled to my rooms and grabbed my pack which I had kept filled for years for just such an occasion. Rushing to the kitchens I grabbed whatever food would fit. The staff watched curiously, but it didn’t matter. By the time anyone would think to ask where I was, I would be gone.
I had spent so much time preparing for such a moment. Filled with adrenaline, I was ready to go and begin my life anew. But aside from a successful escape, I was prepared for nothing outside the palace walls.
The first few weeks went by in a blur. On the first day I fled all afternoon as fast as I could through the woods just outside the palace. I traveled as quickly as my legs would carry me until dusk when I realized that I was beginning to get cramps in my calves. Though cursed, growing up as a princess had its perks. That meant my body was wholly unprepared for the exertion of hiking all day. My legs ached, but I was determined. I traveled on until sunlight was suddenly creeping back into view. Exhausted and drained from not only the physical pain I was in, but also the emotional ache I felt, I cried myself to sleep in a thicket of bushes.
When I finally awoke it was getting dark again and a deer was nudging around my pack, not seeing me as a threat until I jumped back, startled to see the creature so close. My stomach growled but I carefully stood up and took in my surroundings. Which way had I come from? I remembered the sun setting almost behind me, so I needed to stay away from that direction. By now my family should have noticed I was missing. A feeling of anguish grew inside me. I tried to find something to eat in my pack but stopped as my emotions overwhelmed my hunger. Did they even miss me? Did they know why Mother had died? Sure, she had been sick and near death as it was, but did they suspect my part in it? Forcing myself to eat a bruised apple, I continued on. Whatever the case was I needed more distance between myself and them.
However, my resolve lasted only about an hour before I broke down into tears. My sobs shortly attracted a group of people I couldn’t identify. Maybe hunters? I prayed they weren’t guards. I heard them in the distance, seeking out the strange sound, thinking it was a wounded animal. As quietly as possible I hid myself in the bushes. No doubt I was still close enough that if my family was searching for me people could be on the lookout. I couldn’t remember how long I stayed there before they were long gone from sight and sound, but I dared not cry out loud again. Instead I let silent tears lull me to sleep.
The next day I ate more of what was in my pack and covered more distance. I finally had a goal. I missed my family, but even if they did miss me, life couldn’t go on like this. I needed answers and to rid myself of this curse. At this rate, the mad king’s demon was winning. It would surely win if I didn’t try to fix what misfortune he sewed into our family.
There was nothing better I could do for my siblings than to gain control of my life, and I would be no use as a princess if I couldn’t even be part of my kingdom. With my mind made up, I thought this would be an easy couple of months wandering filled with new knowledge and answers. There were too many tales of others I had learned who had made it through the fire and flames and destroyed their own curses and misery. I had to stand just as good of a chance as any of them. I wasn’t going out of this world without a fight. Of course this wasn’t going to be easy.
Painfully, I covered distance. My snares were decent, but didn’t usually get meat. The first animal I caught was a little squirreI. It was hard seeing the light leave its eyes when I touched it. I hadn’t realized my curse would apply to animals. Skinning an animal for the first time is difficult, but it’s even harder when your hands are shaking and your eyes are blurry with tears. It was another ordeal that made me sick to my stomach. By the time I had it cooked it was flavorless, dry, and I could hardly eat it for the guilt in my stomach. Eventually, I could handle the process better, but I never liked being the one to bring about another creature’s end.
For weeks I made my primary goal covering more distance and practicing snares. I’d change direction at the slightest indication of other people and tried to avoid towns altogether, but truthfully had no idea where I was or where I was going.
Finally the stormy season came to put a damper on my plan, and brought in a wave of depression that was long overdue. It was difficult to find or build shelter and keep moving. To make things worse I had no idea how to catch animals while it was consistently rainy. The mixture of depression, exhaustion, and hunger quickly took its toll and I found I had to stay in one area in order to hope my snares would get anything.
I finally was overcome with a terrible sickness. Part of me was terrified that I would become as ill as mother had and would never get better, since there were no healers and no one knew where I was. I started to fear this was the end, but forced myself to remember mother had been sick because of my curse. I hoped my high temperature would win out and I would survive this illness.
One morning my head throbbed excruciatingly and I couldn’t get up to restart the fire. In the distance I saw a figure, but my vision blurred. There were words shouted over to me, but they were muffled. As if I had cotton stuck in my ears. The figure was soon in front of me. I couldn’t make out the voice, or any features. Accepting that my this was my end, I let the blackness take me.
Chapter 5
The fact that my head was throbbing was the next thing I remembered. Fear shook me fully awake, but
to my surprise I was in a cozy cottage. I could smell something cooking; something that smelled like actual food as opposed to what I had been attempting to call food. My head spun for a moment, but I quickly was able to get my bearings. There were many half-finished sewing and mending projects around me, and a small curtain pushed to the side of the room revealed another bed. For once I felt luck was on my side. Still, it was overwhelming and too much to process all at once.
The family that had rescued me was small, and wondering why such a young person was found alone, half dead in the woods. For the first time I found myself faced with the need to lie about who I was. I imagined myself spinning a tale of robbers, fleeing into the night hearing nothing but screams of my family, but instead I stuttered and cried my way through the tale.
“I don’t even know what they expected! We had so little.” I sobbed into the handkerchief I was handed. My heart was racing and I felt terrible for my lie, but the tears were real. I missed my family, and I especially missed the members lost to my curse.
“I’ve no idea how they didn’t see me slip out the window,” I continued, face red from tears and shame. “But when I made it back they were… they were...” I left the end open hoping they’d fill in the blanks with a reasonable enough ending.
With luck still on my side, the family happily took me in as their own. They were a small and close knit group, and I was here to throw everything off balance. Kana was an ideal mother, and clearly the head of the family. She kept everyone on task, while her husband, Talon, was the backbone and support to make sure everything got taken care of. Sam was a wonderful mix of both his parents, with the added teenage angst and rebellion popping up here and there.
