by S J Batsford
My nervousness is palpable I can’t stop my hands shaking. I’m grateful when Mace grasps them, giving them a reassuring squeeze. I blow out a breath fortified by my best friend.
“Thanks,” I say under my breath. “It’s okay, I can’t believe my dad.” He mutters.
“Listen Ash. There’s some things we need to talk about, can we meet at my apartment later tonight?” I stiffen, squeezing Mason’s hand hard.
I don’t want him alone with her. Why doesn’t he just tell her?
“Why? What’s all this about? Why is Alex calling me telling me to come here ASAP?” She asks annoyed. Ethan looks at Alex, frustrated.
“E?” She snaps.
“I didn’t want to do this here.” He growls frustrated. “Will someone just tell me what the hell’s going on?”
“I…”
“Shut up Alex!” Ethan shouts. “You’ve done more than enough. Thank you.”
“Okay, Ash, I… I can’t marry you.” Ethan winces, looking ashamed.
“What?” she screeches, making us all wince.
We look between them. She’s turning red and in contrast Ethan goes pale.
“What do you mean you can’t marry me? It’s two months away,” she says, waving her arms around.
“Come on, tell me why?” she storms forward and jabs him in the chest with her perfectly painted nail.
Ethan winces, just standing there. Which makes me spitting mad. Who the hell does she think she is? I go to stand, but Mace holds me down, shaking his head. “But…”
Ethan looks back, shaking his head, telling me no or to be quiet. But it’s too late, Ashley turns on me.
“Who are you?” She asks coldly eyes narrowed. Oh, she's sprawling for a fight? Okay.
“Me?” I ask, pointing at myself sarcastically, standing. I hear a “shit.” From behind me. “Who am I? Well, since this is my living room you’re standing in, I suggest you find those manners my Nan mentioned earlier. As for your question. My name is Lily.”
“Oh, you’re the girl Mason’s been seeing?” I look at Mace and bust up laughing. He smirks shaking his head at me.
“Ah, no, I love him dearly, and he’s all kinds of hot, but no. He’s my best friend,” I say, winking at Mace. He blows me a kiss acknowledging my compliment.
“Okay, I’m confused.” She says, rubbing her head. Airhead. Comes to mind. I’m not a mean person, but I really don’t like her, her air of self-importance ticks me off.
“Aren’t we all,” I mutter drawing a chuckle from Mace.
“If Mason is your best friend. Why is Ethan here and Alex and me? What do these people have to do with you not wanting to marry me? We were happy making wedding plans just yesterday?” she asks softly.
“I’m trying to tell you. I’ve… Met someone else,” he blurts looking into her eyes.
“That’s ridiculous. How could you have met someone else? What about the baby?” she whispers hurt. Oh God, my eyes widen and I fall back into my seat.
I need to run, I need air. My emotions are colliding inside me I need a release so bad. If I don’t I’m going to scream.
“Mace” I tug his shirt, looking at him, panic in my eyes. “What? Lils, are you okay?” he asks worried.
“I need… I need to go for a run, I...” I lick my lips, trying to put into words what I’m feeling.
“Okay, but now?” We look over at Ethan, who is trying to calm down Ashley, I notice how gently he’s talking to her.
I’m about to turn away, when she flings herself into his arms, kissing him fully on the mouth, and he doesn’t push her away.
I guess that’s that then…I’m such a fucking idiot. My eyes are huge looking at Mace, he’s gobsmacked too.
I’ve got to get out of here. I’m already out of my chair and headed for the stairs, as the thought registers.
“Honey.”
“Lils?”
I hear Nan and Mason calling, but I’m already safely locked in my room, whipping off my clothes, I yank my running clothes from my draws. Pulling them on with jerky movements.
Yanking my hair, painfully into a messy ponytail and yank on my trainers. Stretching so I won’t have to stop when I get outside. Grabbing my phone and plugging in my earphones, I’m out within minutes.
Mason is pacing the kitchen angrily, while Nan is at the table with her head in her hands.
I go and hug her, “I’m okay, or I will be. I just need a run, time to sort my head and feelings. I’m sorry to leave all this to you. Will you be okay?” I rush not wanting to be anywhere near Alex, Ethan or Ashley.
“It’s fine. I’m so sorry all this is happening. Once you’re gone, I’m kicking those three out,” I giggle.
“Okay, I’ve got my phone, but it’s in flight mode. I’ll see you later.”
“I’m coming with you.”
“No. Please, will you stay with Nan? Just until they go? She needs someone right now.”
Blowing out a frustrated breath, he agrees. “I’m so sorry, Lily, I can’t believe he did that.”
“Okay, I’ve got to go. Text me later?”
Programing my music too loud, I head out, spotting Alex off to the side. He looks at me guiltily. I scoff at the thought. Arsehole, I think pushing through the door.
Taking off down the path, a nice breeze brushes my face.
My mind automatically changes pace, throwing thoughts at me.
Looks like plans have changed somewhat. Why the hell did I fall for his bullshit? Twice? What the hell am I going to do if I’m pregnant? Shit. Fuck. Shit, I’m so stupid. What am I going to do Mom?
Looks like I'll be a single Mom too. If it comes to that. It was plain as day where this is all headed. You, idiot. When she kissed him right in front of us all. He didn’t push her away. Just the opposite, his hands went to he her hips. Ugh.
Mom raised me alone, I can raise a baby alone too... Shit, I don’t even know yet. It may all be okay. I don’t want a kid born from all this shit, what a fucking mess that would be.
After giving myself a talking to. I head home, tired, sweaty, hurt and broken. The past few months have left me barely strong enough to get through life.
I do need to find a way to tell Nan and Mace, though, I wince just thinking about it. Not going to be a pleasant conversation.
‘You made your bed, now you have to lie in it’. My Mom’s words ring in my ears.
“God, I miss you, Mom.”
Stopping, I bend in half, absorbing the pain that always accompanies thoughts of her.
It’s been hard, I have good and bad days. But I think about her every day. Sometimes, like now, when my emotions are all over the place, it catches me off guard, just how much I miss her. I could use her advice and support.
Sitting down I hug my knees to my chest, bowing my head as sobs overtake me.
The pain of seeing Ethan kiss Ashley. From all the crap that went down today and over the last few weeks. And missing my Mom so much it’s physically painful. Just wishing I could call her and have her tell me it will be okay, that she’s there for me.
I let myself grieve and cry until I feel better from my pity party.
Taking a series of deep breaths, I stand, wipe my face, shake off the sad thoughts.
I bolster myself. I can do this. I will move on.
With my positive thoughts circling, I start to feel mildly better, more in control of myself and my emotions.
I walk the rest of the way home, thinking happy thoughts.
I may be a Mommy in nine months. I’ll be fine.
~*~
Chapter Eleven
I walk into full blown warfare. “Oh, thank god, your back, honey. Stop them, before they kill each other.” Nan rushes to me looking frazzled and flustered.
Walking over I see Mason in Ethan’s face, “I warned you to be careful. That she was fragile,” Mason yells at Ethan, red faced and more pissed than I have ever seen him.
“I know that. I’ve seen it myself. I’m sorry,” Ethan yells ba
ck.
“You keep saying that. But you keep hurting her. Making her promises, before you’re able to fulfil them.” Mason’s tone is menacing, scaring the shit out of me.
“I know. I’ve messed this up, but, Ashley is vulnerable right now...” Before he can finish his sentence. I hear Mason’s growl, in a flash he’s across the room, on top of him, his arm poised to strike.
“Mason, no!” I shriek, tears blurring my vision as I run to catch his arm.
“Lily?” he whispers, horrified, looking at me before getting up to catch me in a bear hug. I didn’t know I needed until I was being squeezed.
“I’m sorry, I scared you, sweetie,” he whispers hoarsely.
I didn’t realise how upset he was by all this, and I should have.
“You didn’t. I just don’t want you hitting your brother. Not over me, it’s not worth it.” I look over his shoulder, my eyes connecting with Ethan’s. He looks like shit, with his hair standing on end and his eyes red and swollen from crying.
“You okay?” Mace asks, setting me down. I nod “as well as I can be. I’m sorry for leaving you and Nan to deal with all this. Everything just overflowed,” I croak, blinking back yet more tears, I will not cry in front of him.
“Lily?” Just the sound of his anguished voice. Feels like nails on a chalk board. Summoning all the anger I can, I face him.
“What?” I ask, my voice cold.
“I’m sor…”
“Sorry? Yeah, I know. Me too.” I turn to leave.
“Lily. Wait, please?” he pleads.
“God. You’re like a broken record. I remembered those words last time the shit hit the fan, and I found out you had a fiancée.” I spin yelling.
“How stupid was I, sticking with you after finding out that? From your brother no less,” I pause, my chest rising and falling rapidly
“After everything you said and promised. Just a few hours ago… I gave you…” I choke on my words.
I bite down on my cheek, to keep from crying like a baby. The sting of pain is nothing compared to the agony tearing through me at this moment.
“No. You listen to me. After this conversation is over, I never, want to see your face again. I may be emotionally fragile. But I’m a Carter, and like the strongest one I knew, I’m more than capable of raising a child alone.” My words hit their mark, if the look on his face is any indication.
“Wait.” Mason looks between us. His eyes narrow as he looks at Ethan.
“You didn’t?” He growls, stepping toward Ethan. “Tell. Me. You. Didn’t,” he demands.
Ethan looks at his bother shame written all over his face, and drops his head in answer to Mason’s question. The next thing I know, Mason’s fist is connecting with Ethan’s face and blood squirts from his mouth.
“Mace,” I grab hold of his arm. “Stop. Please, don’t do this.”
“Tell me the truth. Has he taken your... virginity?” He looks at me furiously.
I nod grabbing his fist. “No. No more hitting, he’s your brother.”
“Like I give a shit. He took… he slept with you, and I’m going to go out on a limb here. From what you said… There could be a baby?” I close my eyes feeling bone tired.
“Yes,” I whisper. “There could be a baby, but that’s my problem.” I point at Ethan. “I want nothing from you, you get me?”
“No. If there’s a baby, I will be there for you and him or her.”
“Oh, you mean like what you were going to be for Ashley? No thanks. I’ll be fine. I may be a single mother, but I have Nan, Millie and Mace. Go be with your fiancée,” I tell him, falling onto the sofa and closing my eyes.
~*~
“Lily?” I feel someone shaking me.
“What,” I mumble not wanting to leave my comfy bed. Turning I cuddle into a hard chest. Feeling warm and content. “Mm, Ethan.”
“No, sweetie, Mason,” he whispers. I blink looking down at him, I’m on top of him and my hand is under his shirt.
I jump off him, falling onto the floor. “Shit, Mace, I’m so sorry.” I say covering my flaming face, I was touching him.
“It’s okay,” he says gently rubbing my back, and I giggle through my mortification.
“I’m sorry, Mace. I was dreaming,” I sigh, wishing I could go back to my dream, away from the harsh reality.
“Yeah, I know. One minute you were asleep, then you were on top of me, kissing my neck, with your hand up my T-shirt. Moaning Ethan.” He teases.
“God, Mace....” At a loss of what to say I change the subject.
“Aren’t you seeing Mills today?” My head is banging and my eyes are swollen and sore.
“Yeah. I called and explained. She said she wants to come over?”
“Not today. You go over there, spend time with your girlfriend. I just want to be alone, and I have to tell Nan I may be... There may be a baby coming soon.”
“I’m so stupid Mace. I believed him when he said he wanted to be with me. That it didn’t matter we forgot the condom. Convincing me to try for a baby, I got so swept up in the moment. Stupidly. I know.”
“He asked you to try for a baby?” He asks, astonished I nod, unable to look at him.
“Wait. How many times did you…? Without one?”
“Twice. And I worked it out, it’s the perfect time Mace,” I cry falling apart, I look at my best friend expecting to see anger, anything, but there’s only understanding.
“It’s okay, you have your gran and you’ll always have me,” he murmurs softly, hugging me as I sob my heart out.
“I know, and thank you. But if I am…. I’ll still be a single Mom. How will I take care of a baby? I’m barely an adult. What the hell am I going to do Mace?” I sob, holding onto him tighter.
“Ethan will support you. He’ll pay for everything.”
“I don’t want his money. I want the father of my child to be there, I don’t want to do this alone. He said we’d get married. He said we’d live together. He said he loved me. I still love him, Mace,” I whisper feeling empty.
~*~
I feel refreshed after my bath, still unsure and drained. I just laid there for an hour and a half, turning everything over in my head. I head down to the kitchen, needing food since I didn’t eat yesterday.
In the kitchen Nan and Mace are talking intently. Probably about me, I throw them a weak smile. “I thought you were over at Millie’s?” I ask Mace raising an eyebrow.
“I figured you needed me more today.”
I shake my head amazed by him. “What would I do without you?” I ask hugging him around the neck.
“I don’t know sweetie, but don’t worry. You’ll never find out,” he replies, kissing my hand, urging me to sit and talk. Why couldn’t Ethan be like Mace?
“Nan? I... erm, I need to tell you something”
She must see my struggle and places a hand on my arm.
“Whatever, it is, just get it out there, we’ll get through it together. We’re a family,” Silent tears trickle down my face.
“I might... I mean there… I might be having... a baby.”
“What?” she breathes, looking appalled.
“I’m sorry. It was a stupid mistake... Well, not the possible child, but the sleeping with him part,” I clarify through a torrent of tears.
Nan’s pacing and rambling incoherently. I didn’t even see her get up.
I only catch snippets of what she’s saying. She’s mumbling about history repeating itself. Well, that’s Mom having me. Something about a father…. And not losing me, like she did Mom.
“Nan, you’re not going to lose me,” I say, snapping her out of her rambling.
All this puts a new spin on growing up without a dad. Potentially becoming a single Mom puts a new spin on a lot of things.
“Nan. I don’t even know if I am yet. I just couldn’t keep it from you, that’s all.”
“Honey. I think it’s time for you to go back to school. I know you’re still… affected by your Mom, but wit
h all this. I think you need a direction,” she suggests as gently as possible. Mace nods, agreeing.
“I think you're right. Besides the more education I get done the better, just in case.”
~*~
The past two weeks have flown by. Putting on a happy face is the hardest sometimes, but I’ve enjoyed school, even laughed and smiled some. Focusing my mind and pushing on with life, has been the best choice I’ve made since meeting him.
With the constant support of Nan, Millie and Mace, I've gotten up every morning and gone through my daily routine.
It’s been two weeks to the day, since I’ve seen or spoken to Ethan. Just thinking of him makes me sick, but I miss him.
It’s now time to confirm what I already know to be true. I’m pregnant, with Ethan’s child.
Shit. Pregnant at eighteen... I guess I should tell him?
A knock on the bathroom door startles me. Mace ever the loyal friend is waiting to hear if he’ll be an uncle soon. Wiping my face, I drag my arse off the floor.
“Lils, you done?” I take a deep breath. Thank god, Nan’s out.
I can’t handle disappointing two people I love at once.
I’m going to be a Mommy.
“I’ll be out in a minute!” I call.
Pull yourself together, this baby needs you. God, I’m going to be a Mom.
Mason’s perched on my bed when I emerge looking like a bag of nerves, his arms braced on his knees, legs bouncing.
“From the look of you, you’d think you were the one…. Pregnant.”
“Aww, Lils... I’m not sure how to react. Are you happy or not?” He asks, excitement breaking his voice.
I smile. “It’s not the best situation, or time, but I’m happy. Scared shitless, but how could I not be happy?”
Jumping up, he has me in his arms, spinning me around in a circle. I laugh wiggling out of his arms as soon as he stops, I really don’t need to be sick again.
“So, what now?”
“God, Mace. I haven’t the foggiest,” I shrug, thinking. “I guess I have to tell Ethan.”
