by Sandy Lowe
“I am,” Beck said. “I took the bar again a few months ago. I’m licensed to practice in New York now.”
“You’re moving back?”
Beck’s mouth tilted up at the corner in a half smile. “Yeah.”
“Because of your dad?” Kaitlyn asked, hearing her own words without realizing she’d said them.
“Partly.” Beck flopped backward and stared at the back of the driver’s seat. “Have you ever made a decision, which at the time you genuinely thought was the right one, only to discover it didn’t make you as happy as you’d hoped?”
Kaitlyn’s heart did a tap dance in her chest. “Does too much eggnog on Christmas Eve count? Every year, Uncle Henry convinces me to have that second glass, and every year, it’s a mistake. Alcoholic beverages made with dairy should be generally outlawed.”
“Kait,” Beck said.
Maybe Beck wasn’t getting at what she hoped she was getting at, but the implication had her nerves on end. Kaitlyn shook her head slowly. “Honestly, no. I’ve always been pretty sure of what I wanted.” You, and us, and maybe even a baby or two.
Beck laughed. “Yeah. That’s why it’s taken me so long to explain. You’ve always been sure, so put together, so rational. It’s intimidating to the rest of us mere mortals who occasionally fuck up.”
“I got a head start,” Kaitlyn said. “I didn’t just lose my mom. I stopped being a kid and started being an heiress. People were counting on me.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
Kaitlyn waved away the apology. “No need. It’s not your fault.” She paused, and with her heart in her throat, asked, “Did you fuck up, Beck?”
When Beck looked at her, her eyes filled with sorrow. “In so many ways. I wanted politics because I wanted to change the world. I wanted to be the person others looked to to make decisions. In some ways, I wanted what you have.”
“What?” Of all the things Beck could’ve said, that was the last Kaitlyn would’ve expected. What did she have that Beck could possibly want?
“You were stepping up to run Forrester Fund. Back then I had no real concept of how big it was or how many people were counting on you. I just knew it was important, and it was yours.”
“God,” Kaitlyn said. “My mom died. I had to step up. I was the only one. Do you know how much pressure I was under?”
Beck nodded. “I know that. Knew it then too. But it didn’t stop me from feeling as if I didn’t measure up, that I wasn’t good enough.”
Ice settled on Kaitlyn’s skin so fast she was sure she’d crack. “You left because you didn’t think you were good enough?”
“I think so. I wanted to make something of myself. Be someone who deserved a woman like you,” Beck said.
Kaitlyn was master of the stoic stiff upper lip. But she wasn’t a masochist, and she couldn’t take this anymore. She flung the passenger door open. She had a foot on the ground before Beck grabbed her hand to stop her.
“Whoa. Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving. Screw you.”
“What? Why?” Beck looked adorably confused, but Kaitlyn didn’t have it in herself to care.
She wished Beck had never come back, that they hadn’t kissed, and that it hadn’t made her want things she’d promised herself she’d never want with Beck again. But especially that they hadn’t sneaked out of the party and ended up right here, right now, having this conversation. Kaitlyn had built her life in spite of Beck’s leaving. She’d had no choice. Falling apart wasn’t an option. But she’d pushed her broken heart down and built the woman she’d become on top of it. Her pain was her foundation, and Beck had just pulled it up. Kaitlyn was starting to crumble. She couldn’t let that happen. Beck shouldn’t be allowed to have that kind of power.
Love completely sucked.
She got back in the car and slammed the door with more force than necessary. “You left because you didn’t think you were good enough for me? How about my feelings? How about asking me what I wanted?”
Beck shook her head. “No, honey. I wasn’t good enough for me.”
Kaitlyn wanted to scream. “What does that even mean?”
Beck sighed. “My parents are successful by anyone’s standards. My brother was a Rhodes Scholar, and my girlfriend was not only an heiress, but about to run a company that balances a checkbook worth more than my whole family put together. I felt as if I had some catching up to do. Like everyone around me was five steps ahead. I wanted to forge my own path.”
“You do realize I was only successful because my mother died, right? That I’d give it all back and then some to have her back? I inherited both my money and my company. I didn’t earn it. Not then.”
“I know,” Beck said. “And I’m so sorry. But surely you can see it from my perspective too? I wasn’t anyone special, I was a loner in school, I wasn’t quite as smart, or as good looking, or as wealthy, as anyone else. I had to make it on my own terms.”
So the hell what? How did that make it okay? Kaitlyn refused to accept Beck’s choice. It had been the wrong choice. “We were kids. We could’ve learned to be adults together. Why did you have to leave?”
If Beck had still wanted her, why did she go? She could’ve had everything in New York, and Kaitlyn as well. They could’ve made it together.
“At the time I felt like it was the only way to distinguish myself. To figure out who I really was, the same way that Forrester Fund has defined life for you,” Beck said.
The anger drained away until Kaitlyn felt like a wrapper someone had tossed out a car window to be blown around by the wind. How could the person you loved so much be so completely wrong about you? Did you ever really know someone, or did people just bump up against each other as they went about their lives, forging their own solitary existence? “Forrester Fund isn’t what defines me. I enjoy it. I’m proud to carry on the legacy, but what defined me was you. It was us. That’s what I really wanted. A nice quiet life in a quaint brownstone with a couple of kids running around and you by my side. I lost my family so young. All I’ve ever wanted was to make one of our own.” Kaitlyn sagged back in her seat, weary of it all. “Did you become the person you wanted to be? Is that why you came back?”
She caught Beck shaking her head in her peripheral vision. “I came back for you. I love you.”
I love you. Kaitlyn supposed she should be shocked it was still true, but part of her had always known their love was forever. That’s why Beck’s leaving had hurt so badly. High school sweethearts rarely lasted, everyone knew that. But they’d been soul mates, not sweethearts. Their love meant for a lifetime.
Beck started to speak again, but Kaitlyn held up a hand. If she hadn’t been clear when they were kids, she was certainly going to be crystal now. Beck was about to get a taste of just how sure she could be. “I’m sorry, but you’ve wasted your time. I can see how you must’ve felt insecure. It’s not easy growing up here. The expectations are high, and mine more than most. But you put us in opposition when we should’ve been a team. My career, whatever it was, shouldn’t have been something you had to compete with to feel worthy. I never wanted that. You,” she poked Beck in the chest, “are worthy by virtue of my loving you. You are my everything, and you screwed it up because your brother is scary smart and I have a little more money?” Kaitlyn rolled her eyes. “That was really dumb, and I don’t forgive you.”
Beck was staring at her in a way Kaitlyn had never seen before. She wasn’t sure what the look meant, but it made her squirm. “What?”
“You said you love me.”
“No, I didn’t,” Kaitlyn said. Had she? Oh, dear God.
“You did. You said I was worthy because you loved me.” Beck touched Kaitlyn’s cheek. “You still love me.”
Panic rose in Kaitlyn’s throat until she was sure the salmon she’d had for dinner would end up all over their laps. “I didn’t. I meant back then. I loved you back then.”
Beck traced her finger down Kaitlyn’s cheek and along the li
ne of her jaw, mapping her face. “I don’t think so. You said I’m your everything. You meant now.”
Kaitlyn’s heart was beating so fast she felt light-headed. She didn’t. She hadn’t. She couldn’t. Not again. “No, I can’t…”
Beck moved in close, tilting Kaitlyn’s face toward her. “You can,” she murmured right before she crushed Kaitlyn’s mouth in a kiss.
This was the kiss Kaitlyn had thought about endlessly. Gone was perfection, gone was gentle and considerate. Beck pressed her back against the seat and took what she wanted. Her breath went all shuddery, and intelligent thought emptied from her brain. Beck threaded a hand into her hair, cupping the back of her neck and pushing her lips apart. She reacted instinctively, wrapping her arms around Beck’s neck, as sensation raced down her belly to pool between her legs. Her head went all guhhh as Beck’s kiss walked the line between pleasurable and unbearable, reminding Kaitlyn with every brush of her tongue and nip of her teeth what they’d once had, and what had been denied her. As much as she wanted to hold on to her anger, Beck’s mouth was making her a hot rush of promises. This is how I’ll touch you. This is how I’ll savor you. Remember how good it was.
Kaitlyn groaned, feeling Beck’s hip press into her stomach as they moved closer in the tight space. Beck palmed her breast through her dress and Kaitlyn whimpered, darts of electricity shooting from her nipple down to her clit like they were connected by a live wire. She was losing her mind. It wasn’t fair. There was something unbearably arousing about Beck’s power over her, the way she couldn’t help but want her even after all this time. But wanting Beck was one thing, loving her was a whole different story, and love wasn’t an emotion to be trusted.
As if sensing her whirling thoughts Beck pulled back, breathing hard. “Relax, honey.”
Kaitlyn looked away. She was panting like a dog in heat. God, she had to pull herself together. She was so turned on she was surprised she hadn’t come already. But underneath the desire her chest hurt. Her entire life hurt. Kaitlyn wanted Beck inside her more than she wanted to breathe, but she hated herself for wanting it. Why was she throwing herself at Beck after everything she’d done to her? She didn’t forgive her, but she wanted her anyway. What did that say about her? About her values, and what was truly important?
Beck stroked Kaitlyn’s hair, her eyes as open and trusting as a Labrador retriever, though currently clouded with concern. “What can I do? Tell me what you need and I’ll do it. Anything. I’ll take you back to the party and round up your friends so you can go home if that’s what you want. You’ll never have to see me again.”
Kaitlyn knew that if she told Beck to leave, she’d be gone for good. But that thought had the ache in her chest transforming into knife sharp pain. Never seeing her again might be what she wanted, but it wasn’t what she needed.
Kaitlyn took a deep breath. All she’d ever wanted in her life was to love Beck and make a family. But that was then. Now, even if only for tonight, she could be a different version of herself. The version who took what she wanted and damned the consequences. A braver, sexier woman, less tied to unreliable dreams. She wanted Beck, and Beck wanted her. That part was simple, always had been. Sex. This was about sex and nothing else. She’d never done casual. Never had just sex before. But there was no time like the present to try, and God, did it sound appealing.
“I’m so sorry,” Beck said gently. “I ruined us, didn’t I?”
Had she? Kaitlyn didn’t know. But at least one thing between them had only gotten stronger. Kaitlyn made her decision and, as advertised, she was sure. “No more apologies,” Kaitlyn said. “Just for tonight, we don’t have a past, okay? We just have right now.”
“Right now,” Beck echoed, staring at her so intently Kaitlyn felt as if Beck was reaching inside her head to read her thoughts.
“Yes,” was all Kaitlyn could manage over the pounding of her heart. She wanted this. It made no sense. It wasn’t like her at all, but her engine was revving as if this was the start of a race, and she wanted desperately to win.
“And what are we going to do right now?” Technically, it was a question, but Beck said it in a way that implied she had a million unique answers and wanted to try each and every one of them. Slowly, and with excruciating attention to detail.
Kaitlyn bit her lip and squared her shoulders. “I’m going to show you exactly what you gave up when you walked away, Delmar.”
Chapter Nineteen
The Best Revenge
“Put your back against the window,” Kaitlyn said, mirroring Beck on the other side. They were face-to-face with only the middle seat between them. Beck looked at her curiously. Taking the lead had never been Kaitlyn’s strong suit. She’d been raised to believe ladies never made the first move, and socialization was part of it. But honestly, she just plain liked it when her lovers took control.
Beck had been right; running Forrester Fund was a prestigious and demanding occupation. She made decisions all day. The last thing she wanted was to make them in bed too. Yet tonight she’d taunted Beck with the story of her vibrator. She’d kissed her to provide a warning for her friends, and now here she was, alone in the back seat of a car with her. Tonight was no ordinary night, she wasn’t her ordinary self, and she was going to do something she’d never had the guts to do before.
She slipped off her sling-back heels and placed them on the mat. Then she brought one leg up, bent her knee, and rested it in the crease in the seat where the back support met the bench. She faced Beck with her legs splayed open as much as she could manage in the cramped space.
“Fuck,” Beck breathed. “What are you doing?”
Kaitlyn’s floor-length dress covered most of her legs, but Beck’s gaze was glued to the spot where, underneath the layers of satin, Kaitlyn had her legs spread like an invitation from a broke hooker.
“I’m going to give you a show,” Kaitlyn said. “After-dinner entertainment, if you like.”
“A show,” Beck said, as if not quite believing her.
“Or perhaps we should call it a demonstration.” Kaitlyn edged the layers of pale material up her legs until it started to bunch in her hands. “It’s been a long time. You’ll need a primer before getting back in the game.”
Beck groaned. “If you had any idea how primed I am right now…”
Kaitlyn shook her head. “Not you, Delmar. You need a primer on me. On what I want, how I like to be touched.”
Heat flared in Beck’s eyes. “I already know how you like it.”
God, did she ever. But Kaitlyn wasn’t ready to give her the upper hand just yet. She wanted to see Beck squirm a little. She needed Beck to need her and not be able to have her. Not real revenge, but sexy, drive Beck out of her mind revenge. Then, just maybe, she’d be able to face her mirror in the morning. “Maybe what I like has changed.”
She inched her dress up past her knees.
When she’d pulled it up far enough to reveal rose pink panties, Beck grasped Kaitlyn’s ankle, like touching her anywhere was imperative.
“People don’t change that much.” Beck’s voice sounded as if someone had scoured her vocal cords with a Scotch-Brite pad. “I know you like me on top.”
Kaitlyn released a shaky breath, her heartbeat a bass drum, and her clit pulsing in tune. The overhead light was harsh. Beck would be able to see she’d soaked through her panties.
“I know there’s a spot right behind your ear, and when I kiss you there you get wet instantly.” Beck’s fingers tightened on her ankle. “Look me in the eye and tell me another lover has found that spot, that they know what it does to you to be touched there.”
Beck’s words flayed her open. Of course no one else had ever found that spot. No one had ever hung around long enough, or taken the time, to discover her most obscure turn-ons. Beck knew them all. Knew her.
Kaitlyn shrugged. “There’s plenty of ways to make me hot. Maybe some other lover has found a few you haven’t.”
“Trying to make me jealous?” Beck
traced the bones in her ankle one by one.
Kaitlyn tilted her head to the side. “Are you?”
“Maybe a little. I’m glad you haven’t been lonely, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish it’d been me every time.”
Sex without love had scratched an itch, but it hadn’t made Kaitlyn less lonely. Another woman’s hands felt nice, but it was the touch to her heart that really mattered. “What about you? Been lonely?” There she went again, asking questions she didn’t want to know the answer to, and setting herself up for disappointment. She really had to stop doing that.
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?” Kaitlyn asked.
“Yes, I’ve been lonely.”
Kaitlyn didn’t know what to say to that.
“My life didn’t exactly work out the way I thought it would.” Beck’s fingers moved to the arch of her foot, massaging in a way that made Kaitlyn’s eyes roll back in her head. Standing for hours in heels was hell on your feet, and Beck knew right where to apply pressure so her toes curled in pleasure. “At first, a new city was fun, but after a while the drinking and partying got old, and I was working more and more. I thought the work would make me happy. Make up for what I’d left behind.”
“But it didn’t?”
“Nothing could ever make up for losing you.”
Kaitlyn’s breath caught. The words sounded so heartfelt. So big and open. They terrified her. How could she possibly trust that they were true?
“Oh, I don’t know.” Kaitlyn reached between her legs and stroked over her panties. Nerves she’d forgotten she had lit up like fairy lights, making her shiver. “This might rank as a decent consolation prize.” Because that’s all it was. A bit of fun. A tying up of loose ends and rowdy libidos.
It was nothing more than a long good-bye.
Beck watched her stroke herself with such focus Kaitlyn felt her stare like a flame on her skin. Heating. Burning. Branding. You’re mine Beck’s eyes seemed to say to her. Kaitlyn’s throat was so dry it was difficult to swallow. She hadn’t even done anything yet and already she was in over her head. She didn’t want to think about that.
