“That was the minute for me. The minute I knew it wouldn’t be just a roll in bed to scratch an itch. Then you were gone, and I found myself glancing around for you. I wish I could say it was only when I saw the others together, but it wasn’t. I’d go to the grocery and I’d wonder what aisle I’d run into you. You have driven me crazy. But once you find out that I can’t give you everything, you’ll change your mind, and I’ll be left with the memory of you to remind me that no man could ever want me.”
“Damn it, woman. I’m more confused now. Why wouldn’t a man want you? Seriously? Fuck, I want you, and the last time I looked in the mirror, I’m all man.”
“I’ll never be able to give you or any man a family. I can’t have kids, Emery. And it may be shitty on my part to want it all, but I do. I’ve always achieved and obtained everything I wanted. I’ve never failed, Emery. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to meet and fall in love with a man. I wanted to have children. Then bam, I ran straight into a wall and it was taken away in a blink.
“And the worst part, it is my own fault I can’t have children. I was on track to becoming a trauma surgeon. The hours were grueling and long and there was so much to learn. I started experiencing cramps, then it progressed into a sharp pain in my side. At least the pain felt like it was in my side. I put off going to the doctor and getting it checked out. How stupid was that? I was going to be a doctor and ignored every sign my body was giving because I was too busy. It’s one of the first things I tell my patients. Listen to what your body is telling you. What a fraud I am.
“I started bleeding after a while and was left with no choice but to go. I went to the ER, and they did their thing. Tests, bloodwork, eventually a biopsy. Then the next thing I know, a surgeon is discussing my options. A partial hysterectomy versus a complete. Surgery sooner rather than later. And by the way, it could have been avoided if I’d come in when the cramping started.
“So, at twenty-three, I had a complete hysterectomy. If I’d gone to the doctor sooner, they would have biopsied one of the cysts from the one ovary where it started, and then they would have removed the one ovary when the test came back with cancer cells present. Instead, the cysts essentially popped, letting the cancer inside free. The bleeding was because the cancer moved into the inside wall of my uterus.
“I had the surgery. Recovered. Changed from wanting to be a trauma surgeon to OB/GYN, specializing in high-risk pregnancies. I figured if I couldn’t have kids, then I’d help others who were trying with no luck. I could have a practice geared toward high-risk only, but I didn’t want my days to be filled with some ups and a lot of downs. Nothing is worse for parents than to do everything right and lose the baby in the end. And as doctors, we might not show it, but the losses have an effect on us, too. I made the decision to split my skills and have a little normal no problem in pregnancy, to yearly exams, to the I will do anything required to have this baby, patients. Switching specialties, I now get to experience bringing a new life into the world, but once the delivery is over, there will never be a baby coming home with me. I’ve accepted that, but it doesn’t mean I should take that feeling away for someone else.”
I pulled Mac until she straddled me, then I cupped her face between my hands. “I’m sorry for everything you went through. But the months I’ve spent popping up where you were, had nothing to do with your ability to give me children or not. It was all you. When I saw you for the first time, I wanted you and you alone. I was drawn to you. You are who I want to get to know better. I planned to take things slow with you, but you can blame yourself if I don’t stick to that plan. And if you try to run, I’ll catch you again and remind you what you said about me being under your skin.
“You’re smart enough to know that you don’t have to give birth to a child for one to be yours. Family isn’t always about blood. Hell, my own mother didn’t have one ounce of maternal instinct inside her. Neither did my brothers’ mothers. Blood nor the ability to pop out a kid means shit if you don’t have anything to offer from here.” I laid a hand over her heart.
Mac placed one of her hands over mine. “Maybe you aren’t as arrogant as I thought.”
My lip twitched. “As arrogant, huh? Well, we going to see where this leads between us?” I asked and turned my hand over and squeezed hers.
“I guess so.” She squeezed my hand back and then started to move off me. “Since my crazy killed the mood, we might as well get up.”
I grabbed her waist and tossed her to the bed. “Yeah, I don’t think so. I think we need to start over. And the best part, I won’t have to stop and get a condom,” I said, then started back at the beginning and took her mouth with mine.
I had news for Mackenzie Minton, but I’d wait to share it with her. She said no man could ever want her. Did she not see herself when she looked in the mirror? I she’d had she would know there was a flaw in her reasoning. But no man would ever get the chance to her—she was mine. And I protected and kept what belonged to me. Which now included her.
We’d reached the point where we’d left off, and instead of reaching for a condom, I lifted to my elbows so I could watch her face as I moved my hips forward. I breached her entrance with one thrust and seated myself until I filled her fully.
“Christ, you’re tight. I don’t know how long I’ll last,” I said as I pulled back and pushed in. Her hips lifted to meet my downward thrusts until we set a pace that had us both on the brink. I felt my balls draw up and knew I wasn’t going to last much longer, so I slid a hand between us, pressed down on her clit as I slammed in one last time and sent us both over the edge. We rode out the trembling of our bodies together. When our bodies and breathing settled, I pulled out and fell to her side, pulling her into my arms.
“I’ve never gone without a condom, so I didn’t know if sex would feel different or not without one. I’m never wearing latex again because nothing could compare to what I felt inside you bare.” I shut my eyes and let out a sigh.
“I’m not sure whether it makes a difference or not, either. In the medical field, sometimes the same test has to be done over and over to compare results before coming to a conclusion,” Mac said, then giggled when I tickled her side.
“You okay now, cariño?”
She snuggled closer. “Yes. Nothing like letting out your inner lunatic to cleanse your soul. But you know what’s crazy? In my head, I know giving birth isn’t the only way to become a mom. There are hundreds of kids waiting for home. It’s one of the reasons why after I settled here, I applied to become a foster parent. I’m not sure why I haven’t actively started taking in kids, it just always seems like the wrong time. Maybe I’ll check back in with DCYF, Department of Children, Youth, and Families, and let them know I’m ready for them to place a child with me.”
“You’re qualified as a foster parent?”
“Yeah. The process took a little time, from the application to them checking me out and the in-house inspections. Plus, I had to go through a training course.”
“I’d think being a doctor would have made the process easier for you.”
“Nope, a doctor does not automatically make me parent material. Plus, I’m single and have a practice, so any children I foster who aren’t school age, would have to spend the day in daycare. Not to mention having a babysitter on call for when I go to the hospital for middle of the night deliveries. Maybe that’s what’s held me back from becoming active. I hate thinking of a child spending all day in daycare.”
When Mac mentioned being a foster parent, it made my thoughts go to Tracker and Paxton, and I wondered if they were doing better and if Mrs. Stone had gotten them into a place together.
“You asleep?” Mac asked and bent her head back so she could see my face.
“As you can see, no. But I am hungry.” I moved and pulled us both up in a sitting position. “Come on, once we have breakfast ready, we can eat it on the couch in the living, then lay around and watch movies. I’ll even let you pick the first one.”
“
Oh my, you’re too good for me. I’m swooning,” Mac said, then yelped when I pinched her butt as she shifted to get off the bed and headed toward the bathroom.
I grinned, pulled on my jeans, and headed downstairs. I’d use the bathroom off the kitchen, then get the coffee started. I was looking forward to spending the whole day with Mac. Hopefully, without any interruptions.
Sunday flew by, and it had been the most relaxing day I’d spent in a long time. And without any interruptions. Which was surprising considering my brothers were home, too.
Mac and I cooked and ate. We watched movies, laughed, and talked about family. She told me about how her parents died and about her brother, who was in the army. I told her about Kiyaya, and how I’d ended up with my dad. I shared about my time in the military. She shared about her time in college and working hard in medical school. Which brought more questions from me.
“Did you start college at twelve? I know all that training takes time. Not to mention you switched fields in the middle. And you can’t be older than thirty,” I said because there was no way Mac was passed thirty, and if she was it was barely.
She sighed. “I started college at fourteen and was in medical school before I’d turned seventeen. And you know it isn’t nice to ask a woman her age, but I’m thirty-two.”
“Holy shit, Mac. That’s impressive.”
“Thanks. At least you aren’t looking at me like a freak,” she said and her cheeks pinkened.
“I’m in awe of you, cariño. You accomplished things at a young age when most are just figuring out what they want to do with their lives. You should never be embarrassed because you’re intelligent. I’m proud of you for knowing exactly what you wanted and going after it. And if people looked you as a freak, that’s on them. They were probably jealous.”
“It bothered me at first when I had no difficulty with exams and some of the others with years on me failed. After years of being the youngest in every grade, though, I hate to say it, but I got used to the looks and whispers. I just focused on getting through it all.”
“You did it and then some.” I kissed her and changed the subject because she seemed uncomfortable talking about it. It didn’t help I wanted to go back and beat the crap out of anyone who made her feel uncomfortable because they had a problem competing with someone so young.
After that talk, I worked on blanking out her mind with a few heated necking sessions on the couch. Other than the sex we had that morning, we’d spent the day getting to know each other. I’d never experienced anything close to what Mac and I had done all day. And I hadn’t wanted it to end.
“I’ve got to go in. It’s after eleven,” Mac said a little breathless as I kissed her neck, then worked up to her ear.
“If you’d let me come inside when we got here, you’d already be in bed,” I whispered in her ear, then nipped her lobe.
“I told you when we were at the hospital picking up my car that you didn’t need to follow me home. Now look at what your stubbornness has done. You’ve kept me on the porch for thirty minutes. If I’d let you in, I still wouldn’t be asleep. That is why you are on the porch and not crossing through the doorway. And didn’t we decide to treat this as a normal dating situation, and agreed we wouldn’t spend every night together?”
“You decided that. I remember saying I would stay at your place Sunday night through Thursday night and make the drive to Black Hawk since you work in town. And you would come to Black Hawk and stay with me Friday and Saturday nights.”
“We can’t spend every minute together. Trust me, you would be sick of me inside a month.”
“Not a chance. And we wouldn’t be with each other every minute because you work during the week, and so do I. What did you misinterpret today with me saying I liked getting to hold you? I’m trying to go slow, Mac, but everything in me is wanting to push you hard.”
Mac chuckled. “If you can’t be separated from me, what are you going to do next weekend when I go shopping with Bailey and the others?”
“I’m going to sit in my house and pout.”
“Oh, I’d love to see that.”
“Don’t go shopping Saturday and I’ll pout just for you. I’ll even pout while I’m going down on—”
“Stop, stop, stop,” Mac said, laughing and cutting me off as she smacked my arm.
“Fine, I’ll go so you can go inside your lonely house and get into your lonely bed. After you give me a goodnight kiss. I hear couples who are dating do that,” I said, and Mac sighed.
“One kiss, then you’ll let me go inside. Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Alright.”
Twenty minutes more minutes passed by when the door slammed on Mac’s condo, and I listened as the locks clicked. The smile stayed on my face the entire way back to Black Hawk. Maybe the dating shit wouldn’t be that bad after all.
Chapter Twelve
Mac
“I really had fun. Thanks for inviting me along,” I said as we pulled up at Sami’s house.
“It was fun, but I’m not sure Kane is going to see it that way when I tell him how much I spent,” Sami said as she parked the Expedition.
“Please. I bought for two. I’m hiding the sales slips. No sense having Brax flipping out,” Luna said as she opened the door and slid from the seat to the ground, then hit the latch on the side, so the seat leaned forward to allow Carly and I to get out of the third row.
“After seeing how much you four spent on kids, I’m a little less anxious to get pregnant,” Carly said as she jumped down out of the vehicle. I followed her, but not as gracefully and easily as she had. Height definitely was a factor in the big SUV for short people. My height had been the deciding factor when I’d purchased a smaller SUV.
“Since I don’t have to worry about spending money on kids, it was fun to help you ladies spend your money.” With the day’s shopping trip focused around kids and the upcoming babies, I’d been asked if I wanted kids or did seeing women go through labor regularly curtail that desire. So, I’d shared with the women the same talk I’d had with Emery. Minus my insecurities.
After they told me how sorry they were, they’d said the same as Emery had. That I didn’t need to birth a child to be a mom. Then the subject was dropped, and everything was the same as before. They’d treated me no different. I’d been thankful for that because I hadn’t wanted the women to feel as if they needed to walk on eggshells or avoid any future talk about babies around me.
“I’ll say. I’m blaming every cent I spent today on you, Mac. I don’t even know the sex yet. Why did I let you talk me into buying so much?” Bailey said, and I chuckled.
“Yeah, I’m with Bailey. Poppy won’t be able to wear all the stuff I bought her before she grows out of it. Half of them came from you digging through the racks and finding more cute things. And I can’t even explain the four bags of stuff for the baby that won’t be born for months,” River griped.
“Don’t blame me. But I do want to suggest if you ladies ever ask me to go shopping again that we take two vehicles. The extra truck space would come in handy, and I won’t have to worry about falling out of the vehicle,” I said as I held onto the back of the seat and the door’s frame and lowered myself until my feet hit the ground.
“If we ask you to go again? Why the heck wouldn’t we?” Bailey asked as she lifted the backdoor where the bags were stashed.
“Because Emery and I may not work out and though I know we’re friends, he’s your family. I wouldn’t want it to be awkward for anyone.” I shrugged, and all five women stopped and stared at, then began to laugh.
Luna composed herself first. “You’ve been around the men for months. Have you not noticed that they do nothing they don’t want to do? I’ve seen Coast look at you, and, girl, he wants you.”
“There are different types of want. I’m not naïve. Men may think they want you, then after the chase and they spend time with you, they change their minds,” I said and reached for a bag and got told to
leave them, the men would get them.
“We’ve had this discussion. Besides, I got fifty bucks riding on you and Coast,” Carly said then laughed. It probably was from my facial expression.
“Hey, I didn’t get asked if I wanted to bet. And what does the bet entail between the two of them,” Luna said and placed her hands on her hips.
With Sami, Luna, Bailey, and River standing in a row facing Carly, they looked like a chart that showed the different stages of pregnancy.
“The bet is when you think they will be married—like Halloween, Christmas, New Year’s... They discussed it at the meeting, and Crusher told me about it. No way I was missing out on that,” Carly answered Luna as I stared at her.
“There are bets on when Emery and I will be married? Are the men insane? We’ve only been dating for a week!”
“Dating? Is that what you call it?” Bailey said and snickered.
“Yes. We are getting to know each other and taking it slow. So, I hate to inform you, but you wasted your money, Carly.”
“First, we aren’t crazy. Well, at least some of us aren’t,” Bailey said and looked to first Luna, then Carly. “Second, Coast has been vocal about what he wants. He won’t settle for anything less, and what he wants is you, my friend. Because he sure isn’t looking at anyone else and he looks like a man on a mission,” Bailey finished and pointed behind me.
The men headed in our direction from Carly and Crusher’s house. The only one missing was Flirt. When I looked at Emery, Bailey was right; his eyes were on me.”
“Better tell her bye now, ladies. ‘Cause he doesn’t have the face of a man who is going to stand around chit-chatting,” Luna said and laughed.
When the men reached us, Emery didn’t even say a word until he lifted me up and started in the direction of his house. He ignored my protest of his behavior but yelled over his shoulder about if I had bags in the truck, he’d get them later. Then he marched us in his house and up the stairs to his room. Instead of saying how much he missed me. He showed me.
Coast (Black Hawk MC Book 6) Page 11
