by Nancy Warren
“Look at these,” she cried to Trish as she unearthed two strings of crystal beads, both of them broken but she didn’t care. She wasn’t planning to wear them.
“My mother had loads of these,” Trish said, picking up a rhinestone broach sparkling blue and green. I wonder whatever happened to them?”
Erin purchased all the crystal beads. She also became inspired by an ancient native headdress, not inspired enough to buy it, but she snapped a few photos, as an idea shaped. Her designs often started this way. A pattern, a shape in nature, an old headdress, she never knew what would trigger her creativity, but suddenly she’d get a picture in her mind and start to play.
Trish purchased an ornate sterling silver serving spoon. “Not that I need one, but the spoon’s so pretty and the money’s for a good cause.”
When they went through to the room holding the crafts, she stopped to admire a set of handcrafted Christmas stockings.
There were ornaments made of bread dough, and of clothes pins and feathers, Popsicle sticks and little plastic googly eyes. Most of it was cheap and junky and fun.
She was definitely feeling a little better when she
turned and confronted a beautiful, hand knit layette set in pink wool. In that moment, the crowded rooms seemed to grow empty and the noise of a hundred shoppers chattering and sellers ringing up purchases faded to silence. She reached out and touched the tiny pink hat knit for a newborn. The blanket, so tiny and impractical. The dress made of pink wool with silk roses embroidered on the bodice. She reached for the pink mittens made for the smallest of human hands.
“They’ll fit newborn to six months,” an older woman’s voice finally intruded on Erin’s retreat into the past.
She glanced up feeling dazed. Realized Trish was by her side. She forced a smile, though it hurt her cheeks. “I’ve got a friend who is having a baby,” she lied. “I’m not sure if it’s going to be a boy or a girl, though,” she said, thinking rapidly. “Do you make custom orders? Your work is so beautiful.” So beautiful it made Erin want to cry. Not over the tiny woolen garments but over her lost baby.
“Yes, of course I do. As soon as you let me know the sex, I’ll get started right away. It’ll take about a month. Maybe six weeks.” The woman passed over her card. “I can even gift wrap the set and mail it for you if you like.”
“Thank you.” She took the card in fingers that felt cold and numb.
“I take credit cards or PayPal,” the woman continued.
“Thank you,” Erin said again and walked away. Immediately, she began to rave over the macramé Santa at the next table, babbling with determined cheerfulness.
Trish didn’t say a word for which she was deeply grateful.
She bought a hand sewn rag doll for Sadie and, unable to resist, bought a pair of felt reindeer antlers made to fit a dog’s head. She doubted Cupid would wear them for long but was fairly certain he’d enjoy being the center of attention.
“I can’t go home with something for Sadie and Cupid and nothing for Jared. She held up a man’s waistcoat that was made of some kind of silver fabric. “What do you think?”
Trish glanced at the waistcoat and then at Erin. She was smiling, but there was a serious expression in her eyes. “I think Jared is a very traditional man. He likes his shirts from Eddie Bauer and he always buys the same kind of boots because they’re comfortable and familiar.”
Erin put down the waistcoat, knowing her mother-in-law was right. “You know I’m not like a plaid shirt from Eddie Bauer or a pair of boots that will ever be comfortable and familiar.”
“I know. I think that’s what makes you such a surprise and delight. But try not to push Jared too far out of his comfort zone.”
“This isn’t about kitschy gifts, is it? You’re talking about Thanksgiving dinner.” She felt a sharp and sudden sense of betrayal. “I can’t believe Jared complained to you behind my back.”
“You should know your husband better than that. He would never gossip about you. Never! When you were getting your purse, I saw a pile of recipes on the kitchen counter for all those different turkey dinners. I asked Jared and he explained that you’ve been experimenting. He never said a word in criticism. Erin, if you want to cook a fashionable, avant garde Thanksgiving dinner then you know all of us will do our best to enjoy it, knowing you put a lot of effort into cooking a nice meal.”
She nibbled her lower lip. “But Jared won’t enjoy it?” She recalled the dogged expression on his face as he’d pushed down the peach turkey and realized he’d never complain about her cooking even if it was awful.
“I don’t know. But sometimes, tradition can be nice. Why don’t you ask him?”
She shook her head, feeling suddenly a little foolish. “I’ve never cooked a turkey in my life. The person I should be asking, is you. Can you teach me how to cook a turkey the way Jared and Sadie like it?”
“I can’t think of anything I’d like more.” She put a hand on Erin’s shoulder. “You make them so happy. I didn’t think I’d ever see my son happy again. This whole year it’s been like a miracle.”
“For me, too.” A miracle that she’d found her family.
Chapter Five
By Sunday she could see that Jared had a permanent worry furrow between his brows. As hard as she tried to pretend that everything was fine, it so clearly wasn’t fine. She was having trouble concentrating on conversations, her energy level was at the basement level. She was sick most days and from the moment she got out of bed all she wanted to do was crawl back under the covers.
The minute Jared and Sadie left the house Monday morning, she called the doctor’s office and made an appointment. Strangely, she wasn’t too worried for herself but she was extremely worried about how Jared and Sadie would cope if she were ill.
Could fate really be that cruel? Jared and Sadie had already lost one wife and mother. She couldn’t stand the thought that they might lose her, too.
When she walked into the doctor’s office, Erin glanced around the small waiting room but luckily there was no one there she knew. An exhausted looking mom rocked a little boy who kept grabbing at his ear and crying. An old man sat as far away from the crying kid as he could get, reading a Time magazine so recent that he must have brought it in with him.
After giving her name to the receptionist, Erin settled between the other patients and pulled out her cell phone for something to do. She could hardly sit still she was so nervous. Her stomach was so jumpy she thought she might vomit. Again.
She’d planned to check emails on her phone but instead found herself flipping through her photos. There was Sadie, laughing, her cheeks rosy from running around in the backyard. There was Jared, in one of his plaid lumberjack shirts, chopping wood. Cupid had photobombed nearly every single one of her photos. He was a blur of motion, or sitting, tail caught in mid thump, while he posed with her husband and her new stepdaughter. She felt such love for all three of them, all strangers to her a year ago, that she kept flipping from picture to picture, recalling each moment that she’d captured.
When her name was called, she pulled in a deep breath, knowing that whatever happened, she’d deal with it. That’s what she’d always done.
Dr. Taylor Larsen was the newest and youngest of the two doctors in Kaslo. She wasn’t much older than Erin and in a town this size, they’d socialized more than they’d met professionally. “Erin,” she said, walking in with a smile, “What can I do for you today?”
All business, not a lot of time to waste. Erin respected that. Besides, she didn’t have time for chit chat. She needed to know what was wrong with her. “I don’t know,” she said. “I’m sick. I’ve suffered nausea and vomiting for several days now. I’ve got no energy and my balance seems to be off.” Taylor didn’t take notes, she simply listened. Then asked, “When you say your balance is off, are you falling?”
“No. Dizzy.”
She nodded. “Any fainting spells?”
“No. But if I get up too fast the ro
om spins.”
The woman scratched her chin. “Have you taken a pregnancy test?”
Erin’s face twisted. Of course, the doctor didn’t have time to re-read her file. “I can’t have children.”
“Remind me why not?”
It still hurt to talk about, but now that she had a ready-made family and such a happy life, it was easier to look back on that terrible time without falling apart. “I got pregnant about two years ago. I was engaged at the time and living in New York.” She swallowed. “He broke off our engagement. He’d met someone else. I got sick. Really sick. High fever and, well, I lost the baby. There were complications. My doctor at the time said I’d never have children.”
Taylor nodded. Empathetic but she wasn’t one for tears and hugs. “Okay. I’m going to run some tests. Let’s see what we find.”
Erin gulped. “I have to ask you. Could it be serious? I looked on the Internet and …” She couldn’t even finish the sentence. The horror stories she’d found on the Internet were enough to have her picking out her tombstone.
The doctor opened a computer file. “Of course it could be serious. It could also be a virus, a parasite you picked up somewhere, an internal disorder, all kinds of things.”
“Jared and Sadie. They’ve been through so much. I can’t stand the thought of being sick.”
Taylor turned from the screen so she was looking right into Erin’s eyes. “I treated Jared’s wife.” She shook her head. “That was a tragedy from the very beginning. A young, healthy woman with everything to live for. She got a brain tumor and she died decades before she should have. But I’ll tell you something, if there is a man you want at your side when life sucks, it’s a man like Jared. He never fell apart. Not once. He was steady as a rock. He did what he needed to do. And he was there for her.” She smiled grimly. “I can tell you that not all men are able to cope when their wives get sick.”
She felt tears prick her eyes. “I don’t want him to go through that again.”
“Well, let’s not plan the funeral until we know more. My advice to you is to quit worrying so much about everybody else. Go to the lab and get the tests done, then go home, go to bed, and get plenty of rest. I’ll call you when I have the results.”
She nodded and as she left she had the clearest picture in her mind of Jared shouldering a burden no one would have wanted him to bear. To support his young wife though a terminal illness while still trying to be a good parent to Sadie.
She drove straight to the lab, got the tests done and then followed the doctor’s advice. As she headed to bed, Cupid trotted by her side. He always seemed to know when she was upset and just having him there with her lightened her dark mood.
When she’d settled herself in bed, he curled up on the floor beside her, a comforting presence as she drifted off to sleep.
Jared cooked dinner that night, bringing her a bowl of vegetable soup and dry crackers, all she could stomach. She saw the tightening around his jaw even as he kept his tone cheerful. How could he not be remembering the last time he’d looked after a sick wife?
Sadie bounded in after dinner with a picture she’d drawn in crayon. “That’s me and Cupid in the back yard.” She’d drawn the dog the same size as herself. “Get Well Soon, Love Sadie,” was written in the painstaking hand of a child just learning her letters. She felt more tears prick. Something that happened far too often lately.
“Thanks, honey.”
Cupid never left her side except to race out and eat his dinner and enjoy his evening run around the back yard. Otherwise, he stayed by Erin as though he knew how much she needed the comfort of his quiet presence.
Whatever happened, she determined, she was not giving in without a fight.
Chapter Six
When the phone woke her the next morning from a deep, heavy sleep it was the doctor’s office. “Can you come in today? Dr. Larsen has your results,” the cheerful receptionist informed her.
“Yes, of course.” She got out of bed, groggy and scared. Managed some herbal tea and dry toast. On the fridge, above the photo of their foster child, was a big orangy red paper turkey that had clearly come home from school with Sadie. Things I am Thankful For: was the title and there was a list from 1 to 3 with a blank space to be filled in.
Sadie had carefully filled out the preprinted list.
I am thankful for the sunshine.
I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful for my dog.
I am thankful that I have enough to eat. (It was scribbled in small letters like an afterthought.)
She smiled and dragged herself into the shower. Sometimes that’s what life came down to. A series of everyday joys. She let the water wash over her and took a moment to really experience the feel of warm water coursing over her skin, the smell of the grapefruit and lemon in her body wash, the tone in her arms when she soaped them. I am so thankful.
Determined to show up ready to face whatever battle was ahead of her, she took time to do her makeup, put on her favorite earrings and dressed in her best jeans and a bright blue sweater with a wildly patterned scarf. She didn’t have the energy to fuss with her hair, so she let it dry naturally into a mass of curls tumbling down her back. She clipped the mess away from her face and then pulled on boots.
The day was sunny and, in the Pacific Northwest where it rained more days than it didn’t, she slipped on sunglasses and remembered to feel grateful for the sunshine. Cupid, who always looked at her when it was raining as though she were personally responsible, was equally happy to bound down the sun-dappled trail in some kind of mysterious race against invisible opponents. He didn’t go as far ahead as usual, she noted, but turned often, running back to her side, tongue hanging out, checking if she was all right before tearing off again.
She passed the tired mom with the new baby and the lab. They nodded but she didn’t feel up to chatting.
Back at the house, she made a few pairs of earrings to use up the time that seemed to stretch ahead of her endlessly before her two o’clock appointment with the doctor.
This time, when she got to the doctor’s office, she was the only one there so she didn’t have to wait. “Erin,” the chirpy receptionist said, “come right in.”
She was led to the same examining room as yesterday. In a few minutes the doctor came in. Erin searched her face but she didn’t see the deliberate lack of expression she remembered from two years ago when she’d lost her baby.
In fact, the doctor was smiling.
Smiling?
Wasn’t that a little insensitive? Maybe she only had a virus or some mysterious parasite, but she felt that anyone who’d thrown up as many times as she had deserved more bedside manner than a broad grin. “How are you feeling?”
“Same as yesterday. Yucky.”
The doctor sat down across from her. “Erin, I think I have good news.”
Oh, thank God, she thought. I’m not dying.
“You’re pregnant.”
She felt as though someone had taken a photograph and she was trapped within it, unable to move or speak. Every inch of the room was frozen. The doctor, her smile still in place, seemed trapped in a strange bubble. The computer, its screen saver glowing blue, the paper sheet on the examination table lay as still as an antique map. The tiled floor, the window, the door, the beige walls, the picture of the human body labeled with medical terms, all would forever be etched in her mind.
“I can’t be pregnant.” Her voice sounded thin and sad. “I told you. It’s not possible.”
“I’ve been a doctor for almost a decade and in that time I’ve seen a lot of things that weren’t possible.”
“But, I don’t understand.”
“Erin, our bodies are amazing. When your physician told you you’d never bear children he or she was giving you a probable outcome.”
“But, the fever. I lost my child.”
“You did. And your body was traumatized. But it healed.”
She put her head in her hands. She d
idn’t feel wildly excited; she felt numb. As though she didn’t want to let herself feel joy in case it was taken away again. “I can’t believe it.”
“Sometimes, miracles really do happen.”
“Oh, come on,” she snapped. “Where was the miracle when Jared’s first wife was dying? Where was the miracle when I got so sick I lost my baby?”
“Hey, terrible, unfair things happen all the time.” She patted Erin’s knee. “But not always.”
“I just—I want another opinion. I hope you don’t mind, but I don’t think I believe you.”
“I took a blood test. It’s as close to one hundred percent accurate as you can get. I’ll do a physical exam today if you like. Of course, you’re welcome to take as many tests as you need to. See other doctors. But you are definitely pregnant.”
She wanted to laugh, she wanted to cry, she wanted to scream. She also wanted to throw up.
“It’s just that I made my peace with my condition. Jared and Sadie and I, we have a foster child. In Ecuador. Her name is Gabriela. We’re thinking of going to visit her and her family one day. We talked about taking Spanish lessons.” She was babbling like a crazy woman, she knew it and couldn’t seem to stop her mouth. “We chose her because she’s the same age as Sadie. And we have a dog.”
The doctor let her ramble until she finally pulled herself together. “Why aren’t I more excited?”
“I think you’re in shock. Excitement will come.” She stretched out a hand for a notepad and began writing notes. “I want you to go to the pharmacy and get these pregnancy vitamins. Make an appointment with Carol for a full checkup and we’ll start monitoring your progress.”
“Can I tell Jared?”
The pen paused and the doctor looked up at her. “Why wouldn’t you tell Jared?”
“Because I might lose the baby.”
“You might lose it, of course. But statistically, you are a lot more likely to enjoy a healthy pregnancy.”
