by Jenna Jacob
“You’re spoiling me.” I grinned.
“Oh, princess. I haven’t even started spoiling you yet. You just wait.” Warmth, like a blanket of sunshine, spread through me. “But for now, what sounds good…something light that won’t upset your stomach?”
“Oatmeal with brown sugar and buttered toast.”
“I know just the place to get that for you.”
While Ross phoned in my order, Dad flashed me a smile and a wink of approval.
I had no clue if I’d ever see Ross again after I was released from the hospital. Didn’t know if there was a future for us written in the stars. I only knew I wasn’t wasting a single precious second I’d been blessed to spend with him, here and now.
When my oatmeal arrived, Burk and Sofia announced that they were going back to the hotel. When they offered to take Dad with them so he could get some rest, he smiled at me.
“I think I’ll take you up on that,” he said to Burk, “now that I know my baby girl is in such good hands. Thank you, Ross. You’re a fine young man.”
When my dad extended his hand, Ross clasped it then pulled him in for a manly hug and clapped him on the back. Clearly the two had bonded while I’d been dreaming about my mountain home, about stars, and wildly trying to find Ross. And seeing the two share such a special moment made me want to break down and sob like a baby.
“I’ll be back after I get a nap,” Dad promised as he bent and kissed my forehead. “You get some rest, too.”
“I’ll make sure she does,” Ross assured as the trio strolled out the door. Sitting down in the chair beside me, he placed his wide palm on my thigh. Even being wired up to machines and tubes and my arm throbbing painfully didn’t keep sparks of delight from sputtering through me. “Can I get you anything else? Some more water…a soda…carrot cake? I still owe you one.”
“I don’t need the cake. I have everything I need right here.” I just didn’t know for how much longer. I’d never been the kind of girl who could ignore an elephant in the room. Especially one this big and important. “Do you have any idea when you’ll be going home?”
The light in Ross’s eyes suddenly dimmed. A great wave of sadness spilled off him and rolled over me, making my soul weep.
“I haven’t even thought about it yet. I’m not in any hurry. I’ll probably hang out here in New York, see if Bernie needs help packing up his things.” Ross paused and held my gaze. “I’m not leaving until you and Bodhi are back on the mountain safe and sound.”
“You could always come to Kentucky with us,” I whispered, trying to tamp down the tendrils of hope sprouting within. “The mountain has powerful healing magic.”
The sad smile tugging his lips made me want to howl. “Don’t tempt me, princess.”
“Why not?”
I honestly wasn’t trying to stab myself in the heart, but since Ross now owned every inch of mine, I had to know if I possessed a tiny sliver of his. But when he stood, raked a hand over his head with a heavy sigh, and strode toward the window, every whisper of hope inside me sailed away.
“There’s still a whole lot you don’t know about me.”
“Then tell me,” I demanded.
“And a whole lot I still don’t know about you.”
“Then ask.”
I hated the tone of desperation in my voice.
But I wasn’t going to let stubborn pride rule me this time. If there was a chance of keeping Ross in my life longer than a few short days, I wasn’t going to let him slip through my fingers.
All I wanted to do was run to him, wrap my arms around his wide chest, and beg him to come back to Kentucky with me. Instead, I waited for his reply, silently cursing the wires and tubes holding me prisoner to the bed.
Long seconds passed and Ross still hadn’t uttered a word. I tried mentally reaching out to him but was met, once again, with his unyielding and maddening wall. Frustration and anger began bubbling low in my belly.
“If you’re thinking of ways to try and convince me that you’re a bad person, stop. It’s not going to work. I know who you are, Ross. I know what’s inside your—”
“You don’t,” he barked, spinning around to face me. “You don’t know shit. You have no idea the things I’ve done. If you did, you’d call security and toss me out of this room.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Believe it, princess. I’m beyond redemption. The sooner you get that through your pretty little head, the better off you’ll be.” Nostrils flaring, eyes wild, Ross stormed back to the side of the bed. “Do us both a favor. Go back to your mountain and forget you ever met me.”
As he turned and headed toward the door, I swallowed the lump of pain, regret, and hopelessness clogging my throat.
“I can’t,” I cried. “You’re so deep inside me you’ll always be with me.”
Ross didn’t turn around, didn’t even glance back over his shoulder. He simply lowered his head and exhaled a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You deserve better than me.”
He yanked the door open, and then he was gone.
“Ross,” I screamed as tears slid down my cheeks. “Please. Oh, please…come back.”
But he didn’t.
He was gone. He’d left me with nothing but a hole in my heart. A hole that was eating its way to my soul.
When the door flew open again, hope damn near leapt through my chest, but when a nurse hurried in with a syringe in her hand, I simply turned my head and bit back a sob.
“You need to push the button and ask for pain meds before it gets this bad, honey,” she explained holding up a control and showing me how to call the nurses’ station. Then she patted my shoulder and smiled. “That will take all the pain away in a few minutes.”
When she left the room, I shook my head. “No, it won’t. It’s not going to touch the agony inside.”
Burying half my face in the pillow, I cried myself to sleep.
Hours later, I woke when they brought me a tray of food.
I didn’t bother lifting the brown plastic lid. I didn’t care what was inside. I wasn’t even hungry. I was nothing but numb. Empty. And as I stared out the window across the room, I realized I’d never been so completely broken and alone in my entire life.
The sun was low in the sky when Bodhi returned. He took one look at me and clenched his jaw. I told him about my conversation with Ross and that he wasn’t coming back. Without a word, Dad eased to the side of my bed, gently wrapped me in his arms, and held me until I ran out of tears.
“I want to go home,” I whispered. “I need to be on our mountain…need something to take this pain away.”
“I’ll see if I can make that happen, sweetheart.” Bodhi kissed my forehead and sent me a sad smile, then hurried out the door.
Twenty minutes later, Dad returned with a pretty blonde woman wearing a white lab coat and a bright smile. For the last time, I slid on my actress mask and sent her a convincing but inwardly hollow smile.
“I hear you’re ready to leave us.”
“Yes. I’d like to go home.”
“Normally, we’d keep you for twenty-four hours, but your vitals are strong and no hint of fever.”
As she talked to Bodhi about physical therapy, overexertion, fever, and swelling, I slipped inside my head and savored the memories of Ross I’d stored away. They were all I had left now.
It seemed to take forever before a nurse returned with my discharge papers, bottles of pain pills, antibiotics, and some plastic contraption I was supposed to wrap around my arm before taking a shower.
When she handed Dad a bag with my belongings, I realized it was pointless to try and wear my destroyed cocktail dress or heels. Instead, I left the hospital wearing the ugly green gown, a pair of non-skid socks, and a blanket draped around my shoulders—to keep from flashing a full moon to the whole city.
When the taxi pulled to a stop in front of the hotel, Dad helped me out and into the lobby. Since I had no idea what had happened to my purs
e, crystals, or room key, I gave the clerk my name, Quinn’s name, and my suite number. With a sympathetic smile, she handed me another keycard, and I shuffled to the elevator. I was already wiped out before we entered my suite, so I sat down on the sectional in hopes of regaining some stamina.
“You’re already spent, baby girl. Let’s stay the night and catch a flight home early tomorrow morning.”
I opened my mouth to argue but couldn’t find the energy.
He was right. If we could even get a flight tonight, we wouldn’t be back on the mountain until the wee hours of the morning. I wasn’t in any shape to travel and we both knew it.
“All right.”
“You stay put. I’m gonna run down the hall and pack my suitcase, then I’ll sleep here on the couch tonight in case you need any pain pills or help getting to the bathroom or whatever.”
“Okay.” I leaned my head back and closed my eyes as the door snicked shut.
Though the lure to fall asleep was strong and insistent, I lifted my lids and padded to the bedroom. I still had one working arm. I could toss my own suitcase on the bed and start packing.
When I flipped on the light, I saw a note and several bills nestled on my pillow. Easing onto the side of the bed, I gaped at the three twenties and the three hundred-dollar bills. Then I picked up the paper…
Harmony—In case there’s ever anything you want or need. Ross
Tracing my fingers over the strong, bold letters, I felt my heart breaking all over again. Tears I’d thought were all cried out slid down my cheeks as I pressed the note to my chest.
Lost in misery, I jolted when Bodhi pounded on my door. Wiping my eyes, I shuffled down the hall and pulled it open.
Ross—wearing a furious scowl—didn’t wait for me to invite him in. He simply bent and gently lifted me into his arms before carrying me back to the bedroom.
“What are you doing here?” he thundered as he carefully eased my backside to the mattress. “You had no business checking yourself out of the hospital.”
“Packing to go home,” I said, lifting my chin while struggling to disregard the self-indulgent loss of his heated body.
“Why the rush, princess?”
“You made it very clear there was nothing left for me here. Why in the world would I want to stay? To make myself more miserable? No thank you.”
Ross heaved a heavy sigh and scrubbed a hand over his head, then carefully eased in beside me. “I’m sorry about today. I-I… Fuck.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m the one who messed up and convinced myself that I mattered to you.”
“You do. Too much.”
“Right,” I drawled, quickly clipping the wings of hope aching to take flight within. Reaching beside me, I picked up the money he’d left on my pillow and shoved it in his hand. “Here, I won’t be needing this anymore.”
Ross cupped my wrist and folded the bills back into my palm. “Keep it.”
“I don’t want it,” I snapped, tossing them back in his lap.
“Then tell me what you do want?”
“You,” I moaned as tears filled my eyes.
“I’m a mess, princess.” He cupped my cheeks and stared into my eyes as he brushed away my tears with the pads of his thumbs.
“No, you’re not. You’ve just told yourself that for so long you believe it.”
“You don’t understand. When I’m with you, I feel alive again, and I start wanting things I can’t have.”
“Like what?”
“Love.”
“Why can’t you have love? Why can’t you let me love you?”
“Because I don’t deserve your love.”
Chapter Eighteen
Ross
“That’s crazy. Everyone deserves love. Especially, you.” Harmony challenged.
Gut churning, anxiety spiking, and mind swimming, I clenched my teeth. The same way I’d done when Bodhi phoned me a minute ago telling me that Harmony was here, at the hotel, and alone in her suite. When he told me that they were leaving in the morning and I had one night to make things right, I thanked him profusely and raced out of my room.
Though I knew that Harmony would be appalled, sickened, and never forgive me, I owed her the truth. But finding the courage to confess my sins was harder than leaving my band brothers—letting them down—to get clean and sober in rehab. Harder than growing up in a fucking shrine of possessions without love.
It was overwhelming how effortlessly Harmony had awaked emotions I thought were long dead. I physically and mentally ached to shower her with the love she’d resurrected. But filling her with false hope, without her knowing the truth, was nothing but cruel and inhumane. She needed to know what I was capable of so she could save herself and walk away of her own volition.
Like a coward, I dragged my eyes from hers and stared out the window. I couldn’t stomach seeing her reaction when I ripped my black soul open and showed her the ugliness.
As my mind skipped back in time, I dragged in a deep breath. “Four and a half years ago, I was living the dream. Life was perfect. Our latest album had gone double platinum in less than a week. We’d snagged nearly every rock award at the Grammys and were supposed to fly to London a few months later to start another European tour.
“I was home in Chicago when I met a girl named Lily at a bar down the street. She was wild, spontaneous, and carefree, and I drank in those things about her like water. I envied her for being so free, for not having to grow up with a set of regimented rules and shit. We started dating and she took me to lots of parties and introduced me to a bunch of her friends. They all seemed nice, a little crazy like her, but they were regular people. A few weeks later, I asked her to move in.
“We’d been together a month or so when I accidently walked in on her while she was in the bathroom doing a line of coke off the marble sink. I had no idea she was doing drugs. I was pissed that she’d brought that shit into my house. Pissed that she’d hidden it from me. But mostly I was pissed at myself for being so fucking wrong about her. I told her to pack her things and leave.
“She cried and begged me to let her stay, promised me that she’d throw it all away and never use again. Lily swore that it was a one-time thing, that she was curious and wanted to try cocaine. And like a fool, I believed her, so I let her stay.”
Stomach churning, I closed my eyes and swallowed down the ball of guilt clogging my throat.
“A few months later, right before the guys and I were supposed to leave for London, a buddy of mine called. He’d just opened a bar and grill in a little town southeast of Rockford and invited me to come see the place. I couldn’t turn him down, so Lily and I hopped into my Ferrari and zoomed up the highway. We were laughing and joking and having a good time, until she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. That’s when a packet of cocaine spilled out of her purse and landed on the console.”
Harmony gasped, but I didn’t look her way. I couldn’t. If I did, I’d never be able to push this confession off my lips.
“As she grabbed it, I cinched her wrist and told her to open her hand. Lily refused and started slapping my arm, screaming for me to let her go. I lost my shit. I started yelling at her, demanding to know how long she’d been using again. She told me she’d never stopped. I was so shocked that she’d played me, I took my eyes off the road. It was only for a second, but…”
I paused and willed down the bile rising in the back of my throat.
“A panel van had broken down on the highway. It was stalled out in the middle of my lane. I didn’t even see it until I was right on top of it. I tried to swerve, but it was too late. The car pretty much disintegrated all around me, and though I had some cuts on my face and hands, I was relatively unscathed. Lily wasn’t so lucky. The passenger side of the car took the full force of the crash. She was messed up, badly…bleeding everywhere…”
I paused as the sounds, smells, and sights of the nightmare slammed through my brain. My stomach and heart clutched in tandem.
“Sh
e was still alive when I dragged her onto my lap and cradled her in my arms. She kept begging me… Please, Ross. Let me explain. Lily was lying there, dying in my arms, and all she wanted to do was try and make me understand. But I couldn’t…couldn’t wrap my brain around her choosing drugs over me. I knew in my gut she wasn’t going to make it, so I lied. I lied and told her it was okay. Told her I wasn’t mad. The last word she ever spoke…was a whispered, sorry.”
I swiped at my tears, lowered my chin, and stared at the carpet while Harmony sniffed and stroked my back.
“It wasn’t your—”
“Don’t,” I growled. “I killed her.”
“It was an accident, Ross.”
I couldn’t play the coward any longer. Lifting my head, more tears slid down my face, while the scalding pain that had never left my soul blazed even brighter.
“I didn’t find out until after the autopsy…” As a wall of agony crashed down over me, my voice cracked beneath the wretched strain. “I didn’t just kill Lily…I killed our child, too.”
Turning away, I let the coward win out again and dropped my chin…body shaking with silent sobs.
“Lily was pregnant?”
“Seven weeks,” I whispered, struggling to regain control of myself.
“Oh, god, Ross. No.” The horror dripping off Harmony’s words only confirmed what I’d known for years…I was an unforgivable monster.
Swallowing down the wail of guilt and regret choking the air from my lungs, I fought the urge to stop the story there. But Harmony deserved to know everything. Every last dirty detail.
“I called Quinn before the cops and paramedics even reached the scene. He contacted his lawyer, Reed, who told me not to say anything. That he’d meet me at the hospital in Rockford.” I scoffed and shook my head. “Reed has a lot of friends in the state. He assured me that friends take care of friends.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means the police report, the one that states Lily was alone in the car, driving under the influence of cocaine, is sealed and can’t ever be opened again.”
