by Evie Drae
There was no mistaking the desire sizzling through the air every time they were together, like white-hot sparks of electricity arcing between two naked wires. But for some reason, Henry kept things frustratingly casual and friendly. The closest they’d come to anything resembling the physical contact Ellis craved had been that one and only make-out session on Henry’s couch over two weeks ago.
The brilliant perfection of the moment had lasted all of thirty seconds before Henry very gently and very succinctly put an end to it. But everything about the way Henry looked at Ellis, his eyes darkening until the amber and chocolate tones overtook the green almost completely, spoke to a yearning for more. As did the way his lips curled into a smile when they were alone, all soft and secret. A version of that famous grin he reserved for Ellis and Ellis alone.
And yet, despite all the signs of mutual attraction, Henry remained out of reach, and Ellis couldn’t bring himself to make a move. He’d never been one to take control, especially in situations where he couldn’t be positive all parties wanted the same thing. After all, if Ellis was reading the situation correctly, wouldn’t Henry take what he wanted? He hardly seemed the shy wallflower type. That was Ellis’s wheelhouse.
Still, despite the distinct lack of anything resembling physical intimacy, there was something blossoming between them. Ellis couldn’t bring himself to believe he was alone in the feelings taking root in his heart.
Was it the beginning of love? Or unrequited lust? He couldn’t say for sure. He hadn’t loved anyone since his mother, and he and Henry had only known each other for a few weeks. Longer, really, if Ellis counted that night in the sound booth two months ago as the start of whatever this was. When—backlit by Ballyhoo lighting and set to a soundtrack he’d cultivated himself—he first laid eyes on the man who nearly consumed his every waking thought.
Despite Ellis’s hefty work schedule, they managed to find a little time together every day. In the remodeled green room or Henry’s dressing room after a show, and Henry’s living room on the few nights the show had been dark. They’d pretend to watch TV or random YouTube videos, but their focus always remained on each other. Talking. Laughing. Stealing innocent touches but never anything more.
Another two-day blackout kicked off after tonight, and Henry had invited Ellis to spend most of that time with him. The only thing keeping Ellis from packing a bag and holing up in Henry’s desert estate for the entire duration was his caretaking duties and a massive rewiring endeavor Ray had dropped in his lap the day prior.
As long as there weren’t any unexpected surprises when he dug into the project, he hoped to get enough of it done during the day tomorrow to allow for an early start to his and Henry’s evening. One he hoped would stretch well into the night and end with them naked and sweaty on Henry’s bed.
Gods willing.
The rest of the show flew by as Ellis oversaw the fly galley, stealing glances when he could at the stage below. By the time he’d wrapped up his duties, he found Henry waiting for him in the green room—as he always was after the show now. Come hell or high water, no matter how exhausted he had to be after spending hours under those oppressive stage lights fronting a very physical act, Henry was there.
Ellis flopped down on the couch and let his head fall against the cushioned back. He turned his neck so he could see Henry, who lounged against the arm facing Ellis, a grin stretching his lips. Ellis matched his smile as he kicked his feet up on the coffee table. “Congrats on another great show tonight.”
“You deserve as much credit as I do.” Henry held up a hand before Ellis could even contemplate the argument that statement deserved. “Do you think front stage divas operate in a bubble? We couldn’t do what we do without all of you backstage magicians keeping things running smoothly. You’re as much a part of the show as I am.”
Barely suppressing the wry grin tugging at his lips, Ellis sighed and shook his head. “If I didn’t see you on that stage every night with my own two eyes, I’m not sure I’d believe you were really Cinder.”
Brow furrowed, Henry grunted, “Huh?”
Ellis rolled his head so he could stare at the ceiling instead of into those probing hazel eyes. “You’re so down-to-earth and genuine. It’s hard to imagine someone with Cinder’s level of lifelong celebrity as a real, everyday human. Sometimes it feels like who you are on that stage is your superhero alter ego, but that underneath, you’re really just Henry.” Ellis licked his lips. “My Henry.”
The last time Ellis had said those words, he’d done everything he could to backpedal. Although part of him hadn’t yet acknowledged he wanted them to be true even then, the mere thought of making such a bold claim without being sure Henry felt the same was terrifying.
And yet, here he was. Doing it again.
Oh god. What was his problem? It was no wonder Henry wasn’t looking for a physical relationship with him. He was an anxiety-riddled mess. Henry had probably decided long ago to keep things simple between them out of fear Ellis might melt down and have an epic panic attack during sex.
“Ellis?” Henry’s voice had dropped an octave and filled the room with its rich, buttery-softness. “Will you look at me, please?”
A tiny flicker of fear had lived within Ellis ever since childhood. Like a pilot light burning at his core, ready to ignite into a fiery ball of anxious terror at the slightest provocation. When he turned to face Henry, the heat of impending dread clawed at his chest, taking up residence beside the panic. But the moment their eyes met, and Henry closed the daunting chasm between them by taking Ellis’s hand and threading their fingers together, the flames of turmoil subsided.
Henry searched Ellis’s eyes, holding tight to his hand as if he somehow knew his presence and touch were the only things keeping Ellis’s head above water. As if he could see straight through to every broken piece of Ellis’s soul, clinging to sanity by a thread that grew weaker every day.
“Shh. It’s okay. Come here.” Again, Henry’s voice broke the silence. Soft and placid, yet firm and no nonsense. He guided Ellis’s head into his lap and stroked the hair off his forehead. “Breathe for me. Nice and easy. In and out. There you go, just like that.”
Ellis closed his eyes and focused on Henry’s touch as he tenderly carded his fingers through Ellis’s hair. The tightness in his chest and the swirling numbness in his brain ebbed away, replaced by the warmth of Henry’s thigh beneath his cheek and the rhythmic stroking of Henry’s fingers over his scalp.
In some distant part of his brain, a thought drifted in and out of his consciousness. A realization that this must be what it felt like to be loved. To be cherished and cared for by someone who put his safety and mental health above all else. But as quick as it entered his mind, it was gone, and he let himself float on the endorphins rushing through his system instead.
When his heart rate had returned to normal and the sound of water rushing in his ears no longer separated him from the world around him, Ellis opened his eyes. He couldn’t see Henry’s face, but those comforting fingers still worked through his hair, and the steady strength of his thigh remained sturdy beneath Ellis’s cheek.
Ellis couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so serene. Centered. Complete.
“Feeling better?” Henry murmured the words, his hand moving down to massage Ellis’s nape.
Turning his head, Ellis found Henry’s penetrating gaze waiting. Watching. Searching Ellis for the sign of another breakdown, no doubt. But when Henry straightened his shoulders, bringing himself back to his full seated height, something coiled in Ellis’s chest. Tightening, but in a good way.
It was an entirely new sensation, but one he could get very, very used to.
Henry stood then, holding out both hands to help Ellis to his own feet. But before Ellis took him up on the offer, his eyes traveled the length of Henry’s leanly muscled body until they met Henry’s own.
A single brow popped in question as Henry dropped his hands. “You okay?”
It made no sense, but with He
nry looking down on him with so much concern and care, Ellis felt more secure and protected than he ever had. Swallowing, he rose to his feet without Henry’s help, their locked gazes never breaking. “I’m… Yeah. I’m good. Really good. Thank you.”
Henry wet his lips, drawing Ellis’s gaze immediately south to their pink softness.
“Ellis?” Transfixed on Henry’s yielding mouth and the subtle way it formed his name, Ellis could only grunt in response. Henry chuckled and stepped forward until their closer proximity paired with their six-inch height difference forced Ellis’s lowered gaze to move up Henry’s face until their eyes met again. “I want you to feel safe with me. Is there anything I can do—or not do—to make you more comfortable?”
That snapped Ellis’s attention back full tilt. “I do feel safe with you.” His nerves threatened to surface again, but Ellis forced them back down. He couldn’t let Henry think he was uncomfortable around him or, gods forbid, that he didn’t feel safe. He was a grown-ass man. Jesus. He’d made quite the impression these past few weeks, hadn’t he?
Sinking back to the couch, Ellis speared both hands in his hair and groaned. “I’m sorry for being such a mess. I swear, it isn’t you. There’s nothing you can do to fix what’s wrong with me, and there’s certainly nothing I’d want you to stop doing. If anything…”
When Ellis closed his eyes on a silent self-loathing curse for daring to start that sentence, Henry sat down beside him and placed a hand on his knee. “If anything…? Go on. You can talk to me about anything. I promise, I’ll be the last person to judge. I grew up on the road. Touring isn’t good for one’s mental health sometimes, so I’ve seen my fair share of struggles. Hell, I’ve been the one struggling more times than I can count. I might not understand exactly where you’re at, but I can probably put myself in a pretty similarly sized pair of shoes.”
With a sigh, Ellis dropped his hands and shook his head at his own stupidity. “I was going to say, if anything, I wish you’d do more.” He arrowed a look at Henry, whose brows had drawn into a V. “We’ve been dating or whatever you want to call this”—he motioned between himself and Henry—“for at least two weeks now. We had one insanely hot kiss almost as long ago and then… nothing. I mean, if you aren’t interested in me that way—”
“Whoa.” Henry squeezed Ellis’s knee. “No. No way. I’m extremely interested. It’s not that. Not at all.”
Ellis huffed and leaned back, crossing his arms like the petulant child he was trying to prove he wasn’t. “Then what are we doing? Or more specifically, why aren’t we, you know, ‘doing’?”
Henry pinched the bridge of his freckled nose. “It’s a bit complicated, and I’m worried you’ll be upset with me, but… I’ve been waiting for you to make the first move. I kind of got the impression something was… I don’t know. I didn’t want to force you into anything you weren’t comfortable with. I’m completely happy with where we are. There’s no rush to get physical on my end.”
“Isn’t there?” Ellis scrunched his nose. “You’re an international rock star. I’m sure you’re used to having sex whenever and with whoever you want.”
Sighing, Henry turned on the couch until he could face Ellis more easily. “I’m twenty-nine years old. Sure, I lived that life. Probably for longer than I should have and certainly longer than I wanted to, but I’m ready for something more. The whole reason I took this gig was to put down some roots for longer than the few weeks it takes to record an album before flying off on another tour.”
Henry took Ellis’s hand and pulled it into his lap so he could cradle it between both of his own. The juxtaposition of his slender, black-polish-tipped fingers beside Ellis’s larger, work-hardened digits was oddly comforting. “I mean it when I say what we have right now is everything I want and more. I’ve never had the chance to get to know someone the way I’m getting to know you. Hell, I’ve never actually dated anyone before. Please don’t think I’m not loving every minute with you, exactly as it is. Promise me that, okay? Please?”
Ellis swallowed and pressed his lips together to stop the quiver of emotion from showing. “I do. I understand that. And I feel the same way.” He screwed up his face and looked away. “I’m sorry for making you think I wasn’t comfortable with you. Or that you couldn’t, you know, touch me. It isn’t you, and I absolutely want to have sex with you. I just…”
Should he tell Henry why he was so jumpy? Or why he sometimes pulled away when he really wanted more, not less, of Henry’s touch?
Or should he keep his mouth shut and hope Henry didn’t ask any more questions?
“You just what, Ellis?” Henry threaded their fingers together and drew their joined knuckles to his lips for the softest breath of a kiss. “Tell me what’s circling around that brain of yours. Don’t make my decisions for me. I know what I can and can’t handle, and I promise you, I can handle anything you have to say. We can handle it. Together. Whatever it is.”
Ellis rolled his shoulders but kept his gaze averted. “I had a—difficult—childhood. Ray wasn’t the easiest stepfather to have around, and after my ma died, things got worse. He wasn’t thrilled that he wound up stuck with me and liked to take out his anger and disappointment with his fists.”
Chuckling, more out of awkward discomfort than any semblance of humor, Ellis continued through gritted teeth, “Even though I don’t live with him anymore, Ray’s still a big part of my life. I… I still have to see him all the time. It screws with my head sometimes, and I don’t always deal super well with some situations. Because I’m a coward. In a lot of ways, I’m still that scared little boy waiting for the next beating to come.”
He turned to meet Henry’s gaze; his jaw now clenched in defiance rather than humiliation. “The thing is, I feel safer and happier when I’m with you than I have in longer than I can remember. I’ve never been good at taking charge or asking for what I want, but I want you, Henry. I need you.”
A soft, crooked smile tugged at Henry’s lips, and he lifted a hand to cup Ellis’s jaw. “I want you too, baby. And with your permission, I’d be happy to take control.”
Chapter Twelve
Cinder sat on the arm of the couch, legs kicked out and crossed at the ankles, arms folded over his chest. His eyes focused on his closed dressing room door, willing it to open.
He’d sent Ellis to the showers over twenty minutes ago after being denied access to even a kiss without allowing Ellis a chance to clean up first. Considering Cinder had waited over two months to unwrap the gift of Ellis’s delectable body, he figured he’d be a bit more patient with the deed imminent.
However, the more time that passed, the more worried Cinder grew that Ellis had changed his mind and was trying to come up with a way out of his previous declaration. Which meant Cinder would need to be extra careful and watch closely for any signs of second-guessing or regret.
He’d known there was something deeper going on with Ellis, something that made him fidgety and skittish and grow tense any time Cinder got too near. He’d guessed it might have something to do with that bastard Ray Brunswick, but it broke him when Ellis admitted to a childhood of abuse and neglect at the hands of a man who continued to hold a position of power over him, both on the job and, apparently, in his personal life as well.
After all, the whole reason Ellis had been so upset over their close call with the paparazzi a few weeks ago, and why their relationship had been relegated to a secretive affair out of the public eye, was because Ray had threatened Ellis. Why, Cinder still didn’t fully understand, but when he saw the genuine fear in Ellis’s eyes, he hadn’t thought twice about doing as he’d asked. As long as he got to spend time with Ellis, he didn’t care if they had to do so behind closed doors.
For now, at least.
He didn’t need to broadcast every part of his private life to the world, but if things kept going the way they were, Cinder wouldn’t be able to hide Ellis forever. Hell, he wouldn’t want to. Not if his heart kept traversing down its current pa
th. He was already struggling not to shout his feelings from the highest rooftop—of which there were plenty to choose from in Vegas—and he hadn’t even fallen in love yet. At least, he didn’t think so.
Was a single kiss and countless hours spent just outside of easy touching range enough to send a heart plummeting off the cliff toward love?
He certainly wouldn’t know. After a lifetime of booty calls and one-night stands, this thing with Ellis had him tiptoeing through unknown territory from damn near day one. Which only made Ellis’s revelations earlier all the more difficult to swallow. When Cinder was already going into this thing blind from every angle, how was he supposed to handle Ellis’s traumatic past?
It didn’t scare him, and it certainly didn’t make him think any less of Ellis. But it did put some added pressure on Cinder to get his shit together and be the man Ellis needed. No, the man he deserved. Cinder couldn’t fly by the seat of his pants anymore. He had to start putting someone else fully above his own needs, and that meant understanding Ellis better so he could estimate the best path forward for them both.
It also meant listening to Ellis’s wants even when they didn’t line up with Cinder’s understanding of right. Like the fact Ellis refused to let Cinder get that worthless alcoholic stepfather of his fired despite him being more than deserving of the treatment.
Cinder closed his eyes and took a deep, cleansing breath to center himself. The last thing Ellis needed after admitting to suffering post-traumatic stress from a harrowing childhood was for Cinder to approach their first physical act together with anger boiling under the surface.
As the doorknob he’d spent the better part of the past twenty minutes staring at finally jiggled and turned, Cinder made a split-second decision. A damn good thing he did too. If he hadn’t made up his mind before Ellis stepped into the room wearing nothing but a pair of worn jeans slung low around his narrow waist, Cinder would’ve taken him right then and there. And it wouldn’t have been what Ellis deserved.
