Mercy's Angels: Elizabeth

by Barbi Barnard

  “No Momma, you’re not fine.” Both Match and I look at her. Him in worry and me in surprise. Her voice cracks and tears fill her eyes. I want to grab her and cuddle like I did when I first got her. She sometimes reverts to the scared and lonely child that has the lost look. It took months for me to gain her trust. She didn’t know me. All she knew was her life was turned upside down with her mother’s death. I need to relieve her worries somehow.

  “Oh Baby, I’m sitting here talking to you. I’m showered and have a full belly. Now tell me what the doctor said and stop fretting.” Watching her get herself together breaks my heart.

  “Momma.” Coughing to clear her throat. “You have a bruised kidney. It’s bad, really bad. You need to look for blood when you pee and you have an appointment in a few hours for tests.” Her breath hitches as she rushes to tell me everything quickly. “You could lose your kidney with the damage that you have. Momma, you could die from this.” With those words she loses the control that was barely hanging on. Her sobs rack her body and it isn’t long before her wailing brings Nick rushing into the room. I watch as he gathers her up in his massive arms and leaves. Her fear of losing more people she loves tears me up.

  Match takes her place on the bed and holds me as silent tears run freely. “Try to tell me what happened after you met Greg in the hallway.”

  “When I arrived, I unloaded the truck then spoke to Miss Rae and Belinda and walked down the hall to my room. I heard the jukebox and was dancing. Did I fall carrying all those bags?”

  “Do you remember talking to Greg? He was holding you when Tiffi and I got to you.”

  I try to remember, but there is nothing there. “I didn’t see anyone in the hall.”

  “Try to sleep a bit more before your appointment. No sense worrying till you talk to the doctor.” I think he wants me to sleep so he doesn’t have to deal with my weeping. His large hands caressing me soon lulls me into a dreamless sleep.

  Chapter Eleven

  I hate going to the doctor. Being a woman, it’s a yearly thing and sometimes more. I sign-in and take a seat between Tiff and Match. Why I needed an audience for a doctor’s visit is beyond me. The door opens and a young man steps out calling my name. I do the weight and blood pressure stuff and get shown to the room. Today must be my day as I don’t have to wait long for the doctor.

  “Good morning, Elizabeth. It’s nice to see you with your eyes open. How do you feel this morning?” His jovial voice makes me smile. I have been coming to see Doctor Ott since Jenni was a child. He makes the visit so comfortable.

  “I have to confess I’m a little tender on my back and I have a small headache.” I don’t like the attention from people fussing over me. I learned a long time ago how to deal with things on my own.

  “I want to examine you then I want a urine sample. I’m concerned about kidney damage.” I grit my teeth and smile. He pokes and prods and I only wince when he touches my head. He notices and apologizes. “Your eyes are not affected anymore, so I am assuming no permanent concussion danger.” He makes some notes on his tablet, opens a cupboard for a specimen cup. “Leave a sample with the nurse, then meet me in my office and we can talk.” I get nothing from his words or tone.

  Sitting across from Doctor Ott as he reviews the results is making me antsy. I think I came more for Tiffi than myself. I can deal with the discomfort, but something bothered Tiffi enough to involve the doctor. I watch as he sets the papers aside and gives me his full attention. “I see no permanent damage from the tests. Your kidney and surrounding area is deeply bruised.” I breathe a sigh of relief, knowing Tiffi will be happy with the diagnosis. “What bothers me is you haven’t asked or explained how you were injured. Your head wound isn’t causing you not to remember.” He is watching me like he expects me to spout information of a beating.

  “I honestly have no memory of being injured.” I keep playing yesterday over trying to find something.

  Nodding his head, he shifts in his seat. “Have you an opinion of seeing a therapist?”

  His words shock me. “Do you think I’m crazy because I can’t remember something?” I feel my face flushing. It’s a product of having fair skin.

  “Of course not, Elizabeth. You’re as sane as I am. I am worried what else you may have forgotten about yourself.”

  I don’t understand the feelings coming over me. It’s the old fight or flight feeling. I just want to leave. “I thank you for seeing me. Are there any instructions for me? I need to be somewhere soon.”

  “Elizabeth, please, I didn’t mean to upset you. I have cared for you and the girls for many years. I just want you healthy.”

  "You said I was. Is there anything I need to do or not do?” I am ending this visit now!

  “Yes. A couple days of rest. Light activities for a week. If you are in pain, I can prescribe something. If you are just having mild discomfort, over the counter pain medication will help. Maybe try a heating pad for the stiffness in the muscles.” He has changed his tone to the clinical sound of a Doctor and not friend. I need that from him.

  “Thank you.” I stand and hold my hand out for him to shake. His grip is warm and comforting, even if his words aren’t. “I think I’ll try it without a prescription. If It bothers me too much, I'll call back.” I have no need for drugs that make me fuzzy or loopy feeling. He nods his head and the concern is clear in his eyes. I make my way out of his office and to the front desk to settle my bill.

  I storm from the office straight to the truck. I have an overwhelming fear and I’m not sure why. I can hear Tiff calling me and turn to look. “Momma, what’s wrong? What did the doctor say?”

  “He said I was crazy.” Okay I know he didn’t but that is the way he made me feel. I will figure this out on my own. I don’t need to be labeled crazy and have a bunch of tests and drugs forced on me. I just want to go home and lay in my own bed. “Please just take me to my home.”

  “Come on, Doll I got ya.” Kenneth opens the door for me and helps me get settled. “Do you have any prescriptions or anything to pick up before we head back?” His caring voice eases me and I realize I'm being rude.

  “No, I don’t like the pain meds that doctor’s give out. He said I could take over the counter stuff if I get too bad. I have plenty at the Pen. There isn’t any permanent damage, just some deep bruising. I’ll be fine in a few days.” I see the silent conversation going on between them as we drive home. I feel like a child would when the parents spell words. “Honestly I’m fine. He asked if I would see a shrink because I don’t remember getting hurt. It pissed me off.”

  “Momma, I tried calling Greg and he isn’t answering his phone. He was with you when I got to you last night. I’m hoping he knows what happened.” I think I remember them saying that earlier. Something about Greg holding me. I just don’t know. I need to take some pain relief.

  Greg is standing by his bike when we pull into the lot. His saddle bags are bulging letting us all know that he is packed to be gone awhile. I see his face when he turns our way. His eyes are dark. He has bags under them and a tired look to him. He must have a big bounty to be packed up like he is. Tiffi throws open her door and rushes to him. I watch her throw her arms around him and hug him tight. I really want to talk to him. I hope he can spare a minute before he has to leave.

  Kenneth helps me out of the truck and I stand slowly. Sitting seems to make me stiffen quickly. I walk to Greg and lay my hand on his arm. “Hi, you look like you’re in a hurry, but I would like a few minutes if you can spare them.” I smile up at him to see if I can get one in return. He nods his head and I watch as he leans to kiss Tiffi on her head. With a hand gesture he leads us to the patio and the lounge chairs. He waits till I sit before he takes the chair farthest away. It isn’t exactly what I would call private, but he has something distracting him so I need to make this quick.

  “Greg, I need you to tell me something. I’m not sure but I think, I know it can’t be, but… oh hell. Greg, was Richard here last night?” I see h
is eyes dilate and his features harden. “I have a small thought in my head that he was here. I know it isn’t possible so I guess it was a dream. Tiffi said you found me first. I just thought you might have the answers.” He sits up then stands. He runs one hand over his face and the other through his hair. I watch him pace and feel bad about asking him this. Something is on his mind and I seem to be bringing him distress.

  “No Elizabeth he was not here. Richard is in jail.” I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I feel relief and didn’t really think he was here, but something is tickling my brain about him.

  ‘Elizabeth.” I hear Greg call me and notice I was in my own head and didn’t hear him.

  “I’m sorry, I missed what you said.” I hope he isn’t thinking I’m rude. “What did you say?”

  “I said Richard didn’t hurt you. I did.”

  I have nothing to say. Greg must be confused. He would never hurt anyone he cares for. I’ve seen him with others and he doesn’t have a violent bone in his body. I look in his eyes. I can see he believes what he told me. “I don’t believe you. You aren’t like that. Did you hit your head also?”

  He shakes his head and looks down. “I’m the one that grabbed you in the hallway. I must have scared you. You swung your body away from me and hit your head on the wall. I was angry and worried. I yelled at you.” I'm getting flashes in my mind. Not all of them can be recent, I see Jenni peeking around the corner of the hall. She looks like a small child in the flashes.

  “Elizabeth!” I snap my eyes to his. I see worry and pain. “You keep checking out. Maybe you need to lay down and rest.

  “No, I’m fine. I just keep trying to remember. I cannot believe you could be responsible for hurting me. There has to be another explanation.”

  “There isn’t. It was me. I grabbed you. You hit your head and as I was getting the door open you jerked away from me. That’s when you hit the corner of the buffet table.” I hear his words, but I don’t remember that at all.

  “You started screaming. You called me Richard.” His voice cracks and I finally notice how this conversation is affecting him. He is taking all this blame on himself and it had to have been an accident.

  “I’m so sorry I called you by his name. I know you are nothing like him. You proved that yesterday. You have a gentleness in you he never had. Please forgive me.” I stand to walk to him and he backs away. Well that hurts. Maybe he thinks I’m crazy also.

  “I don’t deserve your sympathy or apology. I need to go on the road for a bit. I need some time to think things over and you need to accept the reality that apples of the same tree have the same taste.” Before I can say anything, he walks back to his bike and says something to Kenneth. They both look over at me. Greg with pain in his eyes and Kenneth with surprise. After a few more words are exchanged he gets on his bike and leaves. He doesn’t look back. I feel like a part of me is being torn apart the farther he goes.

  Kenneth walks to me and together we walk into the Play Pen and to my room. No words are spoken. I chased his friend away. He must hate me and Tiffi will hate me when she finds out, too. Why do I always hurt those around me? When will I be able to keep people from being hurt by my actions?

  Chapter Twelve

  I am bored of doing nothing. I have laid here for 3 days and I think I counted all the dots on the wallpaper twice. If you’re wondering it’s two hundred, sixty-four thousand, eight hundred twenty-nine. Oh and some change. Just because I could be off a bit. I need to use my brain. I have read books till my eyes watered and I tried a movie, but found it boring. Music just plays in the background. I need mental stimulation. A good old fashioned argument would work wonders. Problem is, no one will argue. They all treat me like fragile china. I came close to arguing with Kenneth, but he backed down and it’s maddening.

  I’ve been told that Greg is the one that hurt me. I don’t believe it at all. He would never raise his hand to a woman. Tomorrow I am getting out of here. Three days of rest is all the doctor said and that’s more than enough. I check the time and see I should be getting another person checking on me. It’s been an hour.

  It isn’t long til I hear people in the hall. Beast runs in first and comes forward with his hello. I scratch his ears as he sits at my feet. Tiffi and a woman who is slightly familiar enter and I see her smile. “Hello Lizzy, It’s been a while. How are you?” My heart stutters. I haven’t seen this woman in twenty-five years.

  “Hello Doctor, I’m well. Please come in and sit.” I’m stunned. I hear Tiffi offer refreshments and I try to understand why my old therapist is here. I watch as snacks and drinks are placed on the table in easy reach and Tiffi bends to kiss me goodbye.

  I know it’s stupid, but I ask where she is going like I’m afraid to be alone with the doctor. “I'm going to let you and Doctor LaCombe visit, text me if you need something.” I watch her walk to the door and call Beast to follow.

  I feel Doctor LaCombe watching me as she drinks her coffee. I feel like a child that’s been called to the principal’s office. I need that ‘strong’ I fought so hard for years ago to surface. Now would be a good time for it to swim forward.

  “It’s nice of you to drop by. Were you in the neighborhood?” I know its lame. I know I have better manners and social graces, but they have fled to unknown parts.

  “Jenni called my office and asked if I could visit you as you have had an accident.” I know there is more than what she is saying. I also know that I have to ask to get the answers. I learned that from the therapy sessions I had with her in the past.

  “What else did Jenni say to bring you to my home? You retired years ago and yet you sit here now in full therapist mode.” I smile at her to try to keep the tone of my voice from being too petulant. She doesn’t flinch. In fact, a small smile graces her lips.

  “I like that. You have a backbone now and you use it when you need it. I’m proud of what you have become.” Her words make me preen inside. She always encouraged me to speak my mind and say how I feel. I pay attention as she speaks, “I am in fact out of full retirement and now just semi-retired. I did send a letter to your last address, but of course it was returned. As for Jenni, she is worried that you don’t know how you were hurt and that when someone took the blame you denied its truth.”

  Her words are like a bucket of cold water. I get a shiver down my spine. The kind that tells me I am not going to like this. I don’t believe that Greg hurt me. I didn’t see him that night. I saw him the next morning. I know what I saw and didn’t see. I think about my words before I speak.

  “I have gone over that day many times and I can recall every minute of my day until I reach my door. After that it's blank until I wake in the very early morning. I was told I was injured by falling into furniture. Greg said it was his fault, but I don't recall seeing him after that morning. If I didn’t see him, there is no way it was his fault.”

  I watch her watching me. She nods her head in my direction as she leans down to grab her bag. As she pulls a file from it I wonder if it is mine from years ago. My heart starts to beat faster at the thought of all my secrets that are in those pages. Everything that I told her, written in print for anyone to see. One careless moment and anyone could take that bag and know my shame. I glare at her.

  “Why would you bring that here? Anyone could see that. You promised me confidentiality when I talked to you. There are many ears and eyes here. Why would you do that to me?”

  The tone of my voice has her snapping her head up and her hand tightening on the file. She searches my face. I am not hiding the fact that I’m pissed and hurt by her careless actions. She rises from her chair and walks to the door. I watch as she locks it. She turns around and cocks an eyebrow at me in question. I can only nod. Turning the lock only eases my fear a little, but I have no argument. No one would dare enter my room without knocking and waiting for entry. She joins me again and sets the file on her lap. I can see she is getting her thoughts together and I'm preparing myself. Big girl panties o
n. Elastic tightened. Pulled up high. She begins.

  “When you came to me, you told me you were worried you couldn’t be a good mother to Jenni unless you had help. You wanted to be the best mother possible for that child. You took classes to gain your education and also your self-esteem. I have reports of all the things you did for yourself and for Jenni. You, all by yourself, made that child’s life the very best. And you did it in the worst home life I had ever seen. You shielded her from every nasty thing you went through. But, and yes there is a ‘but’… you shielded yourself from things also. Do you remember those?”

  I hear her words and let them sink in. I did ask for help to be a good mom. I felt Jenni deserved it. I didn’t want to overlook any sign that Jenni was troubled from seeing so much at her tender age. I followed every bit of advice she gave me. I went to school when Jenni did and enrolled her in after school activities. Some she liked and some she didn’t. But I did my best. As for me, I don’t understand how I shielded myself. Richard threw a fit every time he found out I was out without him. I didn’t get to finish my education until after he went to jail. I was too ashamed to face people covered in marks from him and his friends.

  “I’m not sure I understand completely what you mean by saying I shielded myself. I faced every day head on. I never let on how much I wanted out of there to Jenni, but that is shielding her, not me.” I am even-toned and looking her in the eye. I need her to explain that to me.

  I watch as she opens the file and flips a few pages. She pauses and looks at it then turns the page again. Finally, she stops and takes a paper out. She takes a highlighter and I watch as she marks a few lines. My curiosity is high. Finally, she looks up at me and I see her swallow and shiver.

  “I have never done this before. And I hope this isn’t a mistake in doing it today. I want you to read this carefully then try your best to remember the day. Can you do that for me?”

  I nod my head and I see my hand shaking as I take the paper from her.