by Hunter Blain
“Fully charged up, I see.”
“Yeah, Michael helped,” I responded, crossing my arms as I tilted my head away from the archangel. “Why are you here, Gabe?” I let my mouth hang open as I eyed Michael’s brother.
“I’m here to reinforce the idea that you go to Sheol, as planned.” His eyes locked with mine, but I could feel him staring into my soul instead of just my gelatinous orbs.
“Really? ’Cause that’s exactly what Michael warned me against. I kinda figured you guys would be on the same page with this sort of thing, being archbro’s and all.”
“Michael is the archangel presiding over Father’s armies, and as such, sees everything in a very specific light.”
“Everything is a nail to a hammer,” Locke breathed as he gently eased into the rolling chair with a grunt, propping his back against the table Hayley had been on.
The water pipes squeaked shut and Ludvig hurriedly picked up the clothes he had dropped before rushing into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.
“Precisely right, Locke,” Gabriel concurred, giving him an appraising glance. He returned his gaze to me before continuing, “Where I, on the other hand, am free to see the bigger picture.”
“Yes, aren’t you the messenger angel?” Locke asked before letting out a sudden coughing fit that he covered with his fist. I could see the pain on his face and knew how hurt he had been.
“Quite right. I am, indeed, the messenger angel.”
“Ha!” I let out before pointing an accusing finger at Gabriel. “Buddy, you aren’t very good at the messaging part of the job. I mean, you can’t tell me anything straight to save your life.”
“I tell you exactly what you need to hear, abomination,” Gabriel said with a friendly wink.
“Yeah, yeah,” I dismissed, putting my hands on my hips and letting my eyes drift to the floor, knowing he was right. Didn’t mean I needed to like it. I was a direct kind of guy, know what I mean?
“I am more than that, though,” Gabriel said, letting his face fall flat as he stared off at nothing. “We do what we must.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, arching an eyebrow.
Gabriel seemed to snap out of it, put on an award-winning smile, and reassured, “Nothing to worry yourself over. I’m happy to do my part, where able.”
Locke and I glanced at one another, shrugged almost in unison, and returned our focus to the Archangel Gabriel.
“Soooo...” I started, “You want me to go to Sheol? May I ask why that is?”
“Personal growth,” Gabriel said without a hint of levity.
“At the risk of...well, everything?”
“Without great risk, there cannot be great reward.”
Locke added his two cents. “Look, I don’t like it, but if there’s even the slightest chance you can bring back Da, then I’m game.”
“And the twins,” I corrected while glaring at Locke.
He threw up his hands in a gesture of submission while he quickly added, “An-an-and the twins! Of course!” He pointed a finger at his skull and explained, “Like I said, fuzzy head. I wasn’t even aware of Dawson being below.”
“John,” Gabriel said in a soft, steady tone that drew my attention with how delicate it was. “I don’t know what you will face while in Sheol. But I have an idea of how to get there.”
“Got that part covered,” I announced confidently.
“You do?” Locke asked with his words and Gabriel questioned with his eyes.
“Well, Baleius knows a guy.” As the words came out of my mouth, a crack of doubt formed in the foundation of my confidence.
Right, dude? I asked Baleius inside the control room of my mind. He was sitting on the couch, rubbing his hands together nervously.
I’m not so sure anymore, Baleius whispered, almost to himself. So it wouldn’t hurt to hear out my brother.
You, um, alright there, buddy?
Michael tried to kill us, not just subdue. Kill us, John. Now we have Heaven above and Hell below trying to remove us from the board.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it, ’cause that leads to diabetes, but you’re right. But I feel safer knowing Gabriel is here. Maybe we can try and work something out with him, ya know? Figure out, like, why Michael is such a deeeeek.”
I stared at the demon inside my head, who let his gaze drift back to the floor while continuing to wring his hands, ignoring my suggestion. I squinted at him once before turning back to the windows of my eyes. It worried me how scared he was of an angel. Weren’t they the good guys? Or was there something else going on in his head that I didn’t know about?
“Okay, Baleius says it’s a good idea to have multiple options.”
Gabriel looked at me a moment longer, and it occurred to me that he seemed...tired.
“Seek out Silver while in Hell.”
“Silver?!” Locke and I barked out in unison. I walked over to the refrigerator, opened it, put my index finger on my lips as I said, “Hmmm. Ah!” picked up a water bottle, twisted off the cap, took a mouthful while turning back toward the angel, and then spit out the contents in a long, dramatic Pffffffffffffffft.
“Can I have one of those?” Locke asked, holding up a finger. I couldn’t tell if he was attempting perfect comedic timing or was just thirsty.
After running the back of my hand over my wet lips and beard, I grabbed a fresh bottle off the shelf and tossed it to him. He flinched as he caught it and I reminded myself that he was still weak.
As it turns out, he was just thirsty and drank steadily until only a third of the liquid remained.
“So, ah, anyway...Silver?!” I barked out his name again, closing the fridge with my hip while going, “Boop.”
“Yes. He has firsthand knowledge of Hell, and, if I were a betting man, I would say he probably no longer carries much loyalty to his former master.”
“Ah, right. Lucifer did kinda, sorta have him killed by Ulric.”
Gabriel smiled while his eyebrows went up and shrugged in a gesture that clearly read “Maybe.” But it was one of those maybes that was unquestionably a “Definitely.”
“Alright. Seek out Silver while down there, see what he knows,” I confirmed as I began pacing in place. “So stoked to see that guy again, let me tell ya.”
“His story is one of familiarity, is it not?” Gabriel slid in with a smile evident in his voice.
I stopped midstride and dramatically jerked my head to look at him before blinking my eyes rapidly a few dozen times.
Gabriel did not continue, so I ceased my lethal blinking barrage and resumed my pacing right as Ludvig and Hayley came out of the spare bedroom. I did a double take as the warden warrior wizard walked into the, um, woom.
Warden Broadway was wearing a sundress...and a frown. I made a show of letting my eyes dart from her exposed muscular legs back up to her displeased freckled face.
Between only slightly clenched teeth, Hayley slowly uttered, “I should have been more specific on what clothes to grab.”
“What? I like it!” Ludvig exclaimed, not seeing the problem with the outfit. “It shows off how powerful you are.”
Hayley blushed at the Swede’s genuine compliment, but I understood where she was coming from. Though I had never done so myself, I could correctly assume doing battle in a sundress might be a little distracting...for all parties involved.
Being the helpful person that I was, I added, “Should have known, Freckles. Dude’s a guy.” I thumbed over to Ludvig, who looked back and forth between Warden Broadway and me, still confused. “Locke probably would have been a better choice, seeing as how he and Da had some, ahem, beauty lessons when they first met.” I might have snickered. Oh, who are we kidding? You know I snickered loudly as Locke managed to blush. “Hey!” I pointed at his red face. “It looks like that makeup, um, foundation stuff that Da helped you with! HA!”
“I hate you,” Locke and Hayley both said in unison.
“Oh man!” I cried out, excited. “Did I freaking get
two birds with one stone? I swear, I always thought that saying was stupid until this moment. I understand why they came up with it now!”
“Yes, John,” Locke began, resting his face in his palm while shaking his head. “This exact scenario is what prompted the origins of that classic expression.”
All my excitement was sucked out in an instant at Locke’s words. I decided to let it go, being the humble champion that I was.
“Come on, Freckles, I can shift us home so you can grab some clothes.”
“Might I suggest that you perfect that technique before making it a habit of using it regularly?” Gabriel interjected, holding up an index finger at shoulder height.
“Why? I got this, baby!”
“John, if you were to shift with Hayley to, say, a place with no atmosphere...” he held out his hands in a gesture that asked if he needed to go on.
“Yeah, I kind of like being alive, dipshit,” Hayley scolded.
“Fine. Uber it is. Luckily, I know a guy,” I said as I pulled up my phone. Something tugged at my attention and I closed my fist to look up at Ludvig. “Hey, how’d you get to the lair and back?”
“I fixed de Hummer. Amazon delivered de parts.”
“Amazon...had spare parts...for a Hummer? Just-just lying around?”
“Mmm yes?” the big man answered, unsure of where I was going with my line of questioning. “You were in it last night when we went to da Waffle House.”
“Ah shit! You’re right! Man, shows how observant I am.” I looked around, expecting someone to go, “You? What? Of course you are observant and oh, so handsome, John!” But no one did.
“Did you also notice how I healed Depweg’s abdomen before we went?”
“I...ah...um...”
“Wow, broder,” the Swede exclaimed, shaking his head. “How did you not notice he was able to eat so much?”
Feeling foolish for not noticing such simple, obvious things, I flicked my unsure gaze to Hayley.
“Did...did you, um, get a haircut, Wa-Warden Broadway?” I asked, unconfidently crossing my arms over my chest before letting them drop to find my hips while shifting my weight on my feet.
“What?” Hayley asked as her eyes squinted, mouth dropped open, and she shook her head back and forth in a sass-filled show of annoyance at the comment.
“I do believe he’s trying to prove he is observant,” Gabriel unhelpfully added to the conversation.
The theme to Beetlejuice went off, startling everyone but Gabriel, and I looked down at my phone to see a Houston number calling.
“Huh?” I asked no one as I slid the hologram bar and lifted my thumb to my ear. My index finger rested near my mouth. “Thank you for calling John’s cell phone...this is John.”
“Hello,” started a voice with a thick Indian accent. “This is Jerry with Windows Technical Support.”
I grabbed my index finger with my other hand and mouthed to the group, “Windows Technical Support?”
“It’s a scam,” Locke said as he struggled to get up to his feet and shuffle over to me. “Keep him talking.”
“Um, hello, yes. I have windows,” I said into the phone before covering my finger again and whispering, “I don’t have windows. I live underground.”
Hayley barked out a single “Ha!” before covering her mouth and chuckling.
“What?” I mouthed her way as Jerry continued on some rehearsed script that lacked any enthusiasm.
Locke tapped at my bracelet and began gliding his fingers over my screen, opening up an app labeled Re:Scam. I didn’t even know I had it! Then again, I hadn’t taken the time to play with many of the applications...or I wasn’t as observant as I thought I was.
Locke moved his free hand in a circle while slowly nodding for me to continue.
“Oh, computer? Oh, um...yes! Yes, it has been acting, um, funky. What do I, ah, do about the funky...ness?”
Hayley doubled over, biting down on her fist as tears of mirth welled in her eyes. I had no idea why.
“Got it,” Locke whispered, bringing up a screen that showed a location in Delhi, India.
“Got what?” I asked while Jerry rambled on about viruses and other such technical mumbo jumbo.
“These scammers cheat innocent people out of their money. I watched a documentary on it a few years back, and got to see some of the victims. John, it’s the elderly, infirm, or intellectually disabled that are susceptible to these kinds of scams. These people take them for thousands of dollars and leave them with nothing. People have actually died from not having money for their medications.”
“They hurt the innocent?” I asked with an open mouth before the words registered. My eyes flashed red as my jaw slammed shut. “Transfer the call to your phone,” I commanded. “I’m going to show you guys a fucking magic trick.”
Locke brought up his phone, opened a program, and selected an avatar that was only the outline of a beard and a beanie, and the call popped up on his screen.
“Abra...” I started as I pushed the button on the nameless app Collin had given me. A countdown of two minutes started, and I let out a long rush of frustrated air. “Lilith damn it! That was going to be so cool!”
Hayley fell to the ground laughing uncontrollably around her fist and filling the room with her distinct, powerful howling. I made a mental note to never take her to the movies and saw I had already written it down. Looking to where she howled on the floor, I mentally underlined it once, twice, and then three times. Then I added stars on either side to doubly signify the message’s importance.
“What’s happening?” Locke asked before bringing the phone up to his ear. “What’s that? Can you explain again what’s wrong with my computer?” he requested, doing his best impersonation of me before letting the phone drop. I could hear Jerry sighing before rambling away at his script again.
“Wait for it,” I told them as the countdown reached one minute.
As the rest of the time passed, I tapped my foot while Hayley composed herself and struggled to get to her feet.
“God, I needed that,” she said while wiping the tears from her eyes.
“I like your dress,” I said flatly, causing Hayley to scowl at me in return.
I watched the countdown reach five seconds and said, “Okay, like I said, abra...” and pressed the teleport icon.
I arrived on top of the scammers’ building in Delhi, and immediately pressed the button to charge the watch again.
From the group’s point of view, all they could hear was Jerry trying to explain about malware before there was an explosion as something kicked through a wall.
“Areeeeeey!” Jerry screamed the Hindi term of surprise as he dropped his headset.
The group, excluding Gabriel, huddled around the phone as Locke hit the speaker icon.
“Wanna hurt the innocent? You bastards!” some sexy vampire roared as the phone was filled with a whole mess of odd sounds.
Below are the best guesses as to what was heard through the phone:
•Ripping clothing, but kinda wet sounding
•Water balloons breaking or maybe a couple watermelons being thrown to the ground
•Twigs snapping, like a lot of them
•Screams that sounded like “No refunds!” followed by shrieks that were abruptly cut off
•Someone must have left a faucet on because there was a lot of water dripping
•And finally, silence
After the line went dead, a superbuff vampire appeared in the middle of the OR again, patting dust off his coat victoriously.
“…cadabra,” I finished, looking at my friends, who just stared in awe. Hayley was nodding her head in appreciation, and even offered a crisp high five. Not being one to let those go to waste, I obliged her.
“I’m not sure I approve,” Gabriel said with a slight smile that totally gave away his stance on those that preyed on the weak.
“Not your pantheon, am I right?”
“If I get you the locations of a coupl
e pharmaceutical CEOs and politicians, do you, ah, think...?” Locke asked, letting the remainder of the question be filled in by our imaginations.
Gabriel cleared his throat while pretending to look at his nails, prompting Locke to stop his murderous train of thought.
“Fine, back to it,” I said, turning to the angel, but not before winking at Locke. We would definitely have to continue that conversation later.
Locke’s phone chimed and he brought it up, obviously reading a message.
“Why do I keep getting emails about microwaves?” he asked himself just above a whisper as he sent the email to the junk section.
“HA! Er, cough,” I enunciated the action, looking at something absolutely fascinating on the ceiling.
“John? What did you do?” Locke exhaled in a flat tone.
With a look that told everyone I was busted, I lowered my head and admitted, “Um, did you know that dog food can’t go in microwaves?”
“You mean the metal can, right?”
“I guess that makes more sense,” I said to myself, bringing my fist up to my mouth as I pondered.
Hayley did a wide, dramatic arc with her arm to face-palm, loudly, before falling over backward where she began to suck in a long breath, held it, and then burst out laughing while rolling on the ground. Everyone but Gabriel cringed at the sheer volume. I swear my healing factor had to kick in to repair the damage to my eardrums.
Diving back into my mental notes, I highlighted my previous statement about taking Hayley to the movies...and then pinned it to the top of my notes just below, “Don’t die!” Still not satisfied, I moved it to the top of the list with a self-satisfied nod.
9
After Ludvig had literally dragged the chortling Hayley by her feet into the back room so the rest of us could hear each other, I looked at Gabriel and asked, “Anything else you wanna say before I get goin’?”
“I think I’ve been rather direct in my message,” Gabriel answered with a slight tilt of his head.
“Alright, here’s the plan,” I said while looking at Locke, who did an eye roll. Turning back to Gabriel, I added, “Heh, he always liked the ol’ P word.”
