by Brynne Asher
“I’m tired, Jude,” I whisper in to his neck, doing my best to control my tears. I need to go to sleep, escape all of this for a few hours and think about it again tomorrow. I start to pull away from him, needing sleep since it is the only escape I’m going to find.
Not letting me pull away, he says, “Gabby. Look at me,” holding my face to his. “Are you okay?”
Knowing I can’t handle this tonight, I can’t handle the thought of what his answers could be about us. Learning that he was married and he loved his Julia so much, not knowing how I fit into the big picture of Jude’s life is painful. No, it’s more the fear that he might never love that way again that is so painful it cuts through me.
Needing to do anything to get him to stop talking, I try, “You’re asking if I’m okay after you just had to share all that?”
He narrows his eyes at me slightly saying, “Gabby, that scene was intense and ugly. You were upset to say the least. Are you okay?”
Physically slumping in his arms because I’m tapped of all my energy, I answer evasively, yet as honestly as I can. “I’m just so tired. Can we please just go to sleep?”
Jude, still holding my head sweeps my face with his eyes. Sighing, he whispers, “Yeah, sugar. We can go to sleep. I’ve gotta go clean up glass and a broken lamp in the other room. Will you be okay?”
“Yes,” I answer honestly this time, because I just need to be by myself, so I’m more than okay with him cleaning up the other room. He pulls me in for slow soft kiss, making my eyes burn with tears again. Doing my best to fight them back, he releases me, searches my face again, making me wonder what he’s looking for.
I crawl off his lap, not caring that I’m naked under his big soft shirt, climb into bed and curl in as tight as I can. Jude covers me and kisses my head. “I’ll be right back.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and pray for sleep to take over before he gets back. I hear him moving around the other room and glass being dumped into the trash. I don’t even want to think about what happened out there. My body is tense and my mind is racing, there is no way I’m going to fall asleep.
Not knowing how much time has passed, Jude finally comes in and I try to feign sleep. He moves around the bathroom, then back into the bedroom and he climbs in behind me. I guess I was wrong to think he might leave me be. He reaches around my stomach and hauls me tight into his chest, fitting himself to me from tip to toe. Dipping his hand under his own shirt and onto my naked body, he rests his big hand on my ribs right under my breasts. I feel his lips come to the back of my head. Because I can’t help it and it feels so good, I snuggle my ass in tight. He doesn’t want anything else, he just wants me close. I let the heat of his body seep into mine as we lay here, not saying a word.
Thinking I’ll never find sleep with all that I’ve learned, I find myself hoping Jude doesn’t have any more surprises for me. I don’t think I can handle one more surprise. As my thoughts get murky and I feel myself starting to drop off from emotional exhaustion, I feel Jude’s arm tighten one more time as he murmurs something into the back of my head, but I’m too tired to pay attention or remember, as sleep finally takes over my body.
Chapter Nineteen
This is the FB (bleeping) I, Not Couples Counseling
I set the plane down smoothly on the runway and taxi close to the terminal. Looking over, I see Gabby staring out her window.
Fuck me. I would kick my own ass if it was possible for what happened last night. I should have told her about Julia sooner. But I kept telling myself it would be hard for her since she lost her parents just a few years ago and I was trying to protect her, when really, I’m a coward and it scared the shit out of me thinking how she would react because I didn’t want to lose her or scare her away. This is the first time in nine years that I’ve cared about anyone. That alone has scared me without the thought of having to tell her that I was married with twins on the way when my life was ripped apart. And now I’ve hurt her because I was weak.
She’s been withdrawn and quiet all morning, talking to me only about closing up the cabin and details about coming home. Her eyes are swollen from crying last night and she looks as exhausted as I feel. I barely slept, doing my best to rest since I had to fly today and get Gabby home safely.
I tried talking to her this morning, making sure she was okay after all she learned about me last night. She lied, saying she was fine when she’s obviously not fine at all. Gabby was focused on the tasks at hand, cleaning up, helping me winterize the cabin and locking it up until the next trip. She was quick and efficient with packing, even packing up the damn hiking shoes I bought her that she knew I had planned on keeping at the cabin for her future trips.
I closed the plane down and we are making our way through the terminal to the parking lot when I look up and stop in my tracks. Tony’s Explorer is parked at the curb and he is standing there in a suit, leaning against the passenger door with his arms crossed glaring at me. Our plans were for me to take Gabby home, drop our stuff so we could both get in an afternoon of work and catch up from being away. I look down at her, finding her stopped next to me. She’s turned to me but is looking at the pavement, worrying her hands in front of her.
“Gabby?” I barely get her name out, fearful of what she’ll say or why Tony’s here. She gives me her tired blue eyes and that beautiful face which looks worn with worry and stress.
“Jude,” she starts and looks over to Tony then back to me. “I think we should take a little time, figure some things out,” she takes in a big breath before commencing to rock my world in the worst way. “You know, think about things.”
“What?” I bite back but it barely comes out as a whisper.
“Please, I need some time.” Her tired eyes look into mine in a way I never wanted to see.
I glance at Tony, waiting for us to finish whatever this is, his eyes narrowed on me. I drop her suitcase, turn my attention back to Gabby and close the distance between us. I hook her behind the neck and her hands come up to my chest, leaning her forehead in between her hands. I kiss the top of her head and leave my lips there to say, “Sugar, what are you doing?”
She fists her hands in my shirt and gives her head a shake. “Just give me a couple of hours, we can talk tonight, okay?”
“Sugar—” but I don’t get a chance to finish, she pulls away, cutting me off.
“Just a couple of hours. Please.”
At that moment, Tony’s done being patient and walks up to take her suitcase. “Come on, Gabby. I’ll take you home.”
This is not fucking happening.
“Gabby?” I call after her one more time as she makes the short trek to Tony’s car.
She turns. “Tonight. We’ll talk tonight. Okay?”
I pull in a breath to calm myself because what I really want to do is take her home myself, make her listen to me, make her tell me what she’s worried about, or fuck me, tell her I want her forever. Finding myself speechless with my own thoughts, all I manage to do is lift my chin to her indicating that I’ll see her tonight, watch her walk away from me and feel my chest tighten with pain.
Standing here destitute and not being able to do anything but watch her cousin take her away, I think about the future. The future isn’t something I’ve thought about in nine years. Thinking of what was missing in the future was too agonizing and only made me think of my past. As amazing as my time with Gabby has been, I’ve only allowed myself to live in the present.
“Fuck!” I yell at no one, turn, and stride to my truck. I get in, slam the door, and go to work because there is nowhere else for me to go.
“Boy. You know what you need to do. I’ve known you since you were a Cadet, you’re no weakling and it’s time. Quit pussy footin’ around. I know you’ve been through hell and back losing Julia and the babies, but if this is your second chance at a life, take it. I know her road hasn’t been easy either, but you’re a good man and she’s lucky to have you. She’s gotta know that by now. I can only hope my three gi
rls find a man like you someday. That is, after you get your head out of your ass,” Mac says.
Mac doesn’t screw around with words, I’ve known him since I was in the Academy and he was an instructor. He’s always been a mentor and we stayed in touch when he left the Force for a job with the FBI. He helped me through the hiring process. He knows me well, so well, that once I got to the office and he saw my mood, he marched my ass into the conference room making me spill like a girl.
“Don’t sugar coat it or anything, Mac,” I mutter, staring out the window with my back to him.
“Shit,” he rumbles. “Do you want her or not?”
Frowning, I turn to him crossing my arms. “Yeah. I want her.”
“Then get the hell out of here and go get her. This is the FB fucking I, not couples counseling.” He turns to storm out of the room slamming the door behind him.
Yeah, I want her. She knows everything there is to know about me now, there’s nothing between us anymore. Not able to wait another second, I head to my desk to get my shit and get to Gabby as fast as I can.
“Gabby!” Jude calls, coming from the garage. “Where are you?”
I let out a breath and close my eyes. It’s not tonight. It’s only late afternoon. Well, I guess it is five o’clock and five o’clock could swing either way. But I was thinking tonight-tonight when I told him tonight. Not this afternoon-tonight.
“Gabby?” he bites out, impatiently this time.
“In here,” I answer quietly. I hear Jude coming through the great room and see him standing in the French doors to the study that overlooks the front of my house.
“Sugar, what are you doing in here? I’ve never seen you in here before.” He stands there with his hands on his hips and Mia circles his feet. As usual, he pays her no mind.
“I don’t know,” I say withdrawn, because I am. “I used to sit in here for hours after my parents died. My dad used to work in here all the time. His desk was always a mess with case files and court documents. When I was little I would play in here while he worked. I’d sit right here on this sofa with my baby dolls laid out and accessorize them. I never played with them much, just changed their clothes.”
That’s when he moves to me, I’m curled into the corner of my dad’s tufted leather sofa. He instantly invades my space again by picking up my feet and sitting down laying my legs over his lap.
Typical.
All I do is sigh.
I’ve thought all afternoon. I thought and thought and thought. All I can come up with is what came to me yesterday. I love him—everything about him. But if he doesn’t feel the same, it’s going to break me. I’ll literally be broken. Again. And I’m so tired of being broken.
“Your dad worked for the District Attorney’s office?” he asks, breaking into my thoughts. I notice he’s looking at my dad’s certificates that are famed and hanging around the room.
“Yeah, for about five years before he and my uncles formed their practice. He was an Assistant District Attorney. I was so little, I don’t remember him working there.”
Jude looks back to me and lowers his voice. “Babe, why are you in here?”
“I don’t know,” I lie. There are parts of this house that make me feel closer to my parents and this is one of them. I need to be close to them today somehow. I feel like I’m bracing for something.
“Sugar, tell me what you’re thinking.” I lift my eyes to his and he leans in closer, wrapping an arm around my legs and the other around the side of my neck. He’s done it again. Caged me in. And I can’t deny it—this feels nice. I close my eyes and lean into his hand, feeling like I could go to sleep right here. His fingers tense lightly in my hair and I open my eyes when he whispers, “Gabby, talk to me.”
I look into his eyes that look as tired and as stressed as I feel. “It’s just that Conner compared me to lots of women. Not to mention calling me other awful names. I need to know what that means, but I’m afraid I already know what that means and that scares me to be lumped into a group like that.”
“I’ve not been in a relationship since Julia died. Not once in nine years. Now, I’m sorry to say, that doesn’t mean there weren’t women in my life. If I could change that for you now, I would, but I can’t. But you have to know you’re more than that, Gabby. So much more. You know that. We haven’t known each other long, but you have to know that, at least. Surely you can feel it.”
Well, I sure don’t want to be lumped in that group, so I guess that’s good. I swallow and look out the window to my front yard. He gives my head a little shake to get my attention and continues. “Babe, there’s something I need to---” but he’s interrupted by my cell phone playing a song from somewhere in the sofa. I start to move around to find it and he says, “Gabby, let it go, I need to talk to you.”
“Let me just see who it is, Jude.” Just as I can’t handle surprises, I can’t not know who’s calling me. I finally find my phone and when I look at it, I immediately slide my thumb across and mutter, “It’s the hospital. What the hell?” I answer, “Hello?”
“Gabby?” I hear her and I know her well enough to know she’s crying and something is very wrong.
My back goes straight and I pull my legs off Jude. “Leigh? What’s wrong? Why are you at the hospital?”
Her shaky voice comes through the phone again, but she doesn’t answer my questions. “I’m so sorry, Gabby. I didn’t know who else to call.”
“Leigh, what’s wrong?” I demand. Jude and I are both standing now but out of the corner of my eye I see his hand reaching for my phone.
Uh-huh.
Not this time!
I lean back, ducking out of the way and swat his hand away with a slap. I point my finger at him giving him the meanest glare I can muster. He is not snatching my phone away when my childhood friend is calling from the hospital crying and I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong. No way. I’m learning his maneuvers and I’m creating my own Jude Defense, even if I have to resort to a girlie slap. I take a step back, waving my hand around in front of me again for good measure to communicate to him he had better keep his paws off my phone. He, in turn, stands there with his arms folded across his chest glaring back at me.
Trying to concentrate, I ask again, “Leigh? Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Can you come, Gabby? I don’t have anyone else,” she answers as her voice catches.
“Yes, I’ll be right there. But you have to tell me, are you okay?” I probe again.
Her voice is weak. “No.”
Now she’s scaring the shit out of me. “Okay. You hold tight, I’ll be right there. I’m leaving now.”
“Okay,” she manages, then my phone is nothing but dead air.
“What?” Jude asks impatiently, since he didn’t get to snatch my phone away this time.
“She needs me, I don’t know what’s happening but I’ve got to get to the hospital,” I explain as I bypass him and head to the kitchen to grab my purse. “It’s got to be bad, Jude. She was crying and wouldn’t say what’s wrong. I’m sorry, but we’ll have to talk later. I’ve got to get to her.”
“I’ll take you,” he says.
“No, no. It’s okay, you don’t have to. I’ll call you, let you know what’s going on.”
“Gabby, I’m taking you. Let’s go.”
“Jude--”
“Enough, sugar. I can tell your upset, you won’t know what you’ll need when you get there. I’ll take you. Let’s go.”
“Fine, but we need to hurry. I don’t know where her asshole of a husband is and she doesn’t have any family here anymore. If she says she needs me, she really needs me.” I rush out my garage to Jude’s truck, I hear him setting the alarm and following me out.
Jude climbs in his truck, looks at me as he cranks it on. “Don’t worry, Gabby. I’ll get you to her as fast as I can.”
As he charges down my street and out of my neighborhood, I reach over and grab his hand. “Thank you.”
Jude was not kidding when h
e said he would get me here fast. I’m pretty sure we made it in record time and even parked in the emergency parking area so we didn’t have to mess with the parking garage. Stopping at the front desk to get her room number, I’m shocked to learn she is in obstetrics. Looking at Jude with a puzzled look on my face, he gazes down at me softly and takes my hand pulling me in the right direction.
We exit the elevator, Jude finding the signs quicker than me and pulls me to the left, stopping in front of her room. He looks down at me, puts his hands on my shoulders. “You go in, she doesn’t know me. I’ll be right here if you need me.” He leans in and kisses me softly.
I nod and turn to walk through the door. The lights are low and I see the back of Leigh’s light blonde hair scattered over the pillow. She’s curled, facing away from the door. I walk around to the other side of the bed and gasp when I look at her face. She lifts one eyelid, the other is too swollen to open—bright red with bruising and puckered all around. Her hand comes to her face as she closes her good eye again. I go the side of her bed to take her hand when I see that it’s casted from her hand to her elbow and she’s holding it gingerly on the mattress in front of her.
“Leigh?” The tears—my damn tears—come for my sweet friend without even knowing what’s happened. Hers are flowing as well and all I can do is gently put my hand out to push her hair out of her face. I pull up a chair to sit close to her letting her cry, knowing her well enough that now isn’t the time to press for information. I’ll learn the details soon enough. She lets me hold her good hand as she cries. This goes on for a long time.
Finally, a doctor walks in and seems surprised to see me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know she had company. I’m Dr. Cline. I’m glad to see she finally has someone here with her.”
