by Brynne Asher
Maybe it is. But I have a feeling it’s not and I couldn’t talk about it on the way home with the kids listening.
She heaves her stuff up on her shoulder, collecting her things. I follow suit, meeting her in front of the garage where she’s heading to her car.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
She doesn’t look at me when she says, “I’m so behind, I think I’m gonna go home tonight. You know, get a few hours of work in, maybe catch up before tomorrow.”
“Paige?” I call for her and she looks up to me, her eyes tired. “What the hell’s wrong?”
She frowns and gives her head a shake. “Nothing. I’m just behind on work and need to do laundry. I’ve got a big event coming up. I need to get back into it.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about,” I bite, stepping closer and bring a hand to her face. “You’ve done all that shit here for the last five weeks. You’ve turned funny. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“Cam, please.” She brings her hands to my arm. “I’m tired, I don’t feel good and I’m behind. I need to go home. Just give me one night.”
“I don’t like you there,” I say, because I don’t. I want her here. There’s something about her apartment I don’t like. I felt it the first time I stepped through her door.
She ignores me. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Tell the kids goodnight, they’ve already run off to stretch and play. I’ll be fine.”
My hand tenses on her face and I look down into her tired brown eyes. The gold flecks framing the brown are dull compared to normal. I lean down to kiss her and she comes up on her toes to reach me, deepening my kiss. I pull her to me and wrap her up tight.
Before I want her to, she pulls away and I plead, “Baby, stay.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
I exhale and want to say something, force her to tell me what’s going on, but I either don’t know what to say or can’t make myself say it. I close my eyes and pull her to me, kissing her forehead.
I fucking don’t want to, but I let her go and watch her walk to her car, throwing her bags in the trunk. I stand in my driveway and want to fucking scream as I watch her pull out and maneuver around my car, driving away from me on Athica Lane.
Jordy runs up to me and I hear Cara’s dog barking, excited we’re home. “Where’s she going?”
I look down at my son who isn’t happy to see her drive away, probably looking as confused as me right now. I put a hand to his head and ruffle his hair that’s the same color as mine and try to smile. “She’s got to get some stuff done and catch up on work.”
This excuse settles as well with him as it did me and he frowns deeper. “Really?”
I ignore his question like any parent would who doesn’t know the answer. “Come on, let’s get our stuff inside.”
And with a fucking pit in my stomach, we move to the back of the car.
Paige
I shouldn’t have come here—I should go to his house. But I’m a big, fat chicken and can’t help it. If I approach him here, I can get out quick if I need to.
I made myself leave him last night when we got back from Texas. I couldn’t stay and pretend nothing was wrong, not that I was doing a good job pretending. I cried all the way to my apartment. Then I took a shower in a shower I haven’t showered in for weeks before I went straight to bed. A bed I haven’t slept in since the night Cam forced his way into my life and we slept together for the first time.
I couldn’t take it so I got up and went to my sofa.
Cam called me twice and I never answered. I know it’s childish, but I’m being a big, fat chicken. I texted him, explained I was working and I’d call him in the morning. He was his normal curt self over text, but it came across sweet when he said he wasn’t happy I left and if it weren’t for his kids, he’d come to me. Then he said if he didn’t hear from me first thing in the morning he was going to find me and “figure out what the fuck was going on in my head.”
I think it was his longest text ever, even if it was curt. This made me weepy all over again. I really need to pull myself together.
Then I started my period and had real cramps instead of the fake cramps I’d been complaining about for a whole day. Serves me right for being a liar and a big, fat chicken.
I finally fell asleep on the sofa, but tossed and turned all night.
When I could sleep no more, I got up, and got myself ready. I knew he would be here and I need to know. I need to know so badly. At the same time, I want to ignore it and go back to living in the clouds, pretending everything will end the way I want. The way I’ve dreamed of it ending. Happy and perfect. But I’m afraid his answer will give me the ending I’m scared of.
It’s pulling at me, back and forth. I can’t take it. I’ve decided I have to know.
I park at The Shed and see Zeke outside with my old boot camp group and he calls to me with his big white smile. “Hey girl. You coming back to boot camp?”
“No. Is Cam inside?”
“You’re a heart-breaker. I think he’s in his office.”
I barely offer him a smile because my stomach’s turning and my heart’s pounding.
There’s the normal ass-kicking, bats swinging, and exercising echoing through the big warehouse when I walk in. I look to the office and see him standing behind his desk looking down at some papers. My stomach flip-flops and I make my feet walk through the door, shutting it behind me to close out the noise.
Surprised, he looks up and I see something wash over his face. The tension instantly leaves his body.
“Hey,” he breathes, almost relieved.
I try and smile, but I know it’s lame and tired. He starts to move around his desk to me when I say, “Wait. I need to ask you something.”
He stops where he is and frowns. “Baby, what’s wrong? I was worried about you all night. I almost got Sophia to come stay with the kids so I could come to you, but I knew you wouldn’t want her in your business.”
“You said something.” I ignore him, needing to get it out, wanting it, but afraid of what I’m asking for. “You said it like it was a fact, like there was nothing to think about. You said it like you knew it down to your bones, like it’s as simple as the sky is blue or two and two make four.”
Frowning, he starts to move to me again but I put my hand up to stop him. He implores, “Paige, what are you talking about?”
I just spit it out. “You don’t want any more kids.”
His frown instantly disappears and his face turns blank.
Well. There it is.
And my stomach drops to the floor.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that. I meant to ask it, but I think you just gave me your answer,” I whisper, taking a step back.
I see him pull in a deep breath and he puts a palm up to me, saying in a controlled voice, “We need to talk about this.”
“It’s the only thing I want,” I say, not able to control my shaking voice.
“Baby, let’s talk about this somewhere else,” he takes another step, making me take another back, hitting the door.
Not able to control my voice or the tears welling in my eyes any longer, I go on, “It’s the only thing I want more than you.”
It’s his turn to take a step back.
I feel my tears fall and keep going. “And I want you so badly.”
“Paige—” he tries, but I interrupt.
“I see it clear as day. A life with you. With Jordy and Cara. But I see more.”
“Baby, let me take you home so we can talk about this,” he pleads.
My tears quietly running down my cheeks. “I shouldn’t have to give up what I want because of her.”
He flinches and his eyes narrow on me, whispering, “What?”
“I’m not her,” I blurt.
I see his chest rise with his labored breaths and his voice turns hard. “I know you’re not her.”
“I would never do to you what she did,
” I say before I know what I’m saying.
His voice turns as hard as his face and he bites out, “Excuse me?”
“That’s not me, I’d never give you babies and leave you to it. I’d never be dishonest. I’d never cheat on you.”
“How do you know about that? I told you I never wanted to speak to you about her,” he seethes.
I wipe my face. “Your mom told me, but she didn’t know I didn’t know, but now I know. Please don’t make me pay for what she did. I want you and Jordy and Cara, but I want to have kids. I want it more than anything. I won’t give that up because of her.”
Cam stands stock still and stares at me, working his jaw.
“Please,” I whisper so softly I can barely hear myself.
He slowly closes his eyes and drops his head.
“Cam?” I call for him one more time.
He doesn’t look up but he does shake his head.
Oh shit. That’s it.
That’s it.
I reach back to find the doorknob and, as quick as I can with my eyes to the ground, I escape, leaving with the answer I was so afraid of.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Time Stands Still
Wednesday - 9:17 am
Paige
I bang on her door.
Really, I’ve gone through all my options in my hazy brain, this is the best I could come up with.
I can’t go to Sophia. She’s the queen of the blabbermouths and everyone would know everything in about two point eight seconds. Not to mention she’s Cam’s neighbor and I don’t want to be anywhere near Athica Lane.
I can’t go to Leigh, even though it’s her day off. She would tell Tony and I don’t need my big brother tearing down Cam’s door. As much as Tony and I annoy each other, he loves me and I know he’d pull himself away from anything if he thought someone hurt me. It doesn’t matter how devastated I am, I don’t want Tony tearing down Cam’s door.
I can’t go to Gabby. She might not be the queen of the blabbermouths, but she’d tell Jude right before she’d tell Leigh and they’d both tell Tony. I’d be right back to where I started. I might spot myself an hour, but that’s it.
I can’t go to my mom. She’d go all “mom” on me and even if I am distraught, I don’t want my parents to hate Cam.
I briefly thought about going to Rosa, but in the end I’m afraid she’d throw it in my face that I didn’t keep my legs together and my mind on Jesus.
I really need new friends.
So here I am and I pound on the door again. She and I aren’t close. We’re nothing alike and she normally doesn’t have patience for me. But right now, she’s my best bet.
The door finally swings open and my older sister, Charlotte, stands there, clearly shocked to see me and frowns. “What’s wrong with you?”
I sniff. “Please don’t tell anyone I’m here.”
“What’s wrong?” She moves out of the doorway as I move in. “Have you been crying?”
“Can I hang out here for a while?” I ignore her question. “I want to be by myself and don’t know where else to go. I can’t handle anyone right now.”
She follows me in and looks down to me as I sink into her sofa. “I thought you were in Texas? Mom said you went to meet Cam’s family.”
I look up and can’t help the tears welling up in my eyes again from the mention of him.
“Oh shit,” she mumbles and crosses her arms, probably at a loss for words.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I feel my tears fall.
My sister looks down on me, probably pondering what to do. She finally sighs. “I was going to take the kids to the library today. We’ll go now, run some errands, and leave you alone. I’ll do my best to keep everyone out of your hair for as long as I can. That’s the best I can do.”
I look at my sister who’s pragmatic, non-dramatic, and rational. Basically, she’s nothing like me. But I knew she’d give me what I needed so I whisper, “Thank you.”
She gives me a small smile that really means she feels sorry for me before walking away. A few minutes later, she rounded up Madelyn and Cole, and after the kids attack me with hugs and kisses, she herds them out of the house. Before leaving, she turns and says, “We’ll be back after lunch for Cole’s nap. Call if you need anything.”
I give her a nod, but before throwing myself on her sofa to wallow away, I dig in my purse. Finding my cell, I decide to stick with being a big, fat chicken and power it down. I don’t want to talk to anyone.
Wednesday - 4:43 pm
I hear her come out from the kitchen where she’s been banging around. She hates to cook. Just one more way we couldn’t be more different.
I’m sitting in her family room, facing backwards in a chair watching my niece and nephew run around the small backyard. Just as she promised, they got back after lunch and put Cole down for a nap. Madelyn is six and Cole is three. I listened to Charlotte and Maddie read and then play a board game before Charlotte finally caved and let her watch TV. But they left me to myself, proving I chose well when I came to Charlotte.
“There’s a group text,” Charlotte announces.
Shit.
“I haven’t answered. I think it’s only a matter of time,” she adds.
I turn away from the window and look at her.
“They say he’s looking for you and it’s made them all curious, so now they’re all looking for you,” she finishes.
Damn.
I look back to the window.
“Paige?” she calls for me.
“I’ve never told you how happy I am for you, Charlotte,” I say looking out the window.
“What?” she asks confused.
I sigh. “I’m happier for you than I am for anyone. You had to fight for what you wanted. You and Vic. I can’t even imagine how hard it was or what you went through.”
“What are you talking about?” she asks.
I tear my eyes away from the window and find her confused. She and Vic tried to have kids for a long time when she found out she had endometriosis. After Charlotte went through all kinds of treatments for her endometriosis and infertility, they decided to bite the bullet and try in vitro fertilization. IVF is expensive—so expensive they sold their house, bought this smaller one, and even had to pull money out of Vic’s retirement. It was years of medical procedures and none of them were easy on her body. But she never complained, even when everyone around her was having babies the easy way. But now they have Maddie and Cole, the family they wanted.
I look back out to her test tube babies—miracles of God and modern medicine working together. “The kids. You never gave up on what you wanted. You went through hell getting them when it came easy to everyone else. You have what you want and I’m happier for you than I am anyone because of what you went through to get them.”
I don’t look back, but I do hear her sigh. Then I feel her kiss the top of my head and ask, “You staying for dinner?”
“I’m not hungry, but can I stay?”
“Sure.”
I finally look up. “I’m tired. Can I go lie down?”
“Of course. Go to Maddie’s room. I’ll keep the kids out of your hair,” she says with a hesitant smile.
I get up and walk my way to my niece’s room. I need to close my eyes, I’m tired of thinking. I don’t want to think about Cam and what I want. I really don’t want to think about what he doesn’t want. I’m just plain tired.
Wednesday - 7:51 pm
“He showed up on my doorstep this afternoon looking for her again. He didn’t say anything else, but he didn’t look mad this time. I don’t know what he looked like, but it wasn’t mad. Why didn’t you tell us she’s been here all day?” I open my eyes and hear Sophia talking in a low voice outside the door. The light in the room is barely coming through the windows. I fell asleep, it must be late evening.
“She told me she wanted to be by herself, Soph. What’s wrong with that?” Charlotte defends me.
“All right, i
t doesn’t matter,” Gabby butts in. Why in the hell is Gabby here? “Did she say anything? Did something happen on their trip? She’s been so happy—something had to have happened.”
The next thing I know, I hear Leigh. “I agree. I’ve never seen her this happy. Something big happened.”
They’re all here? Why can’t I wallow in peace without everyone butting in my business?
But I cringe when I hear my brother growl, “I can’t believe you didn’t call anyone when she showed up crying.”
Charlotte’s voice rises. “She’s an adult. If she wants to be by herself, she should be able to be by herself. You all need to quit treating her like a child.”
“Move,” Tony says. “I want to see her.”
“No,” Charlotte bites, the whole exchange getting louder.
I groan into Maddie’s pillow and pull her princess blanket over my head. I hear a scuffle and I’m not surprised when the door bursts open. When I peek, Tony’s standing there with my sisters, Gabby, and Leigh looking in from behind. He takes another step in and shuts them out as I hear Sophia let out a little, “Hey!”
He doesn’t pay her any mind as I watch him walk to me and sit on the side of the bed. He doesn’t say a thing, but leans his elbows down to his knees and looks at me.
“Please go away,” I say, my voice small.
He stays silent, but shakes his head.
I roll my eyes. Of course he won’t go.
“He didn’t do anything to me. There’s no reason to go all Rambo Big Brother on him,” I explain.
“Doesn’t look like he didn’t do anything to you,” he says.
“He didn’t,” I insist.
“Then why are you hiding?”
“I’m not hiding.”
He raises his eyebrows, telling me I’m full of shit. Well, I disagree. I’d like to think of it as ignoring as opposed to hiding.
