by Mj Fields
I promise myself that tomorrow is a new year, and that it’s the second half of my senior year so I will refocus on what that’s supposed to mean to me, to my friends and I, and it will be about that again … just different.
We leave our typical New Year’s Eve “party” around eleven at night with Kendall, Jake, and Dad all snuggled up in front of the TV to watch the ball drop. We have to pull over to the side of the road because Lucas’s driveway is packed, as is the roadside.
“You ready?” Phoebe asks, giving my hand a squeeze.
I fling the door open. “Sure am.”
Alex hops out then holds his hand out for Phoebe. I love the two of them together so freaking much.
“I don’t even recognize half these cars,” Phoebe says, looking around, wide-eyed, as the loud music coming from the house gets even louder as we walk toward it.
“He’s an implant, remember?” I laugh as I lead the way on the shoveled driveway lined in lights to the back door French doors covered from the inside with curtains. I knock.
A girl who I don’t know opens the door, and I immediately see Jade and Tommy across the dining room and in the kitchen, waving to us.
As we push our way through the crowd, I realize I don’t know anyone but them and some of the football players.
I look back at Phoebe, and she giggles. “Now who are the implants?”
I smile even though my stomach is full of the bad kind of butterflies as I turn to look back at Jade and Tommy while discreetly scanning the crowd for Lucas
“Hey, Jade. Hey, Tommy.”
Jade slides off the counter and gives me a hug.
“Happy New Year’s Eve,” I tell her.
Jade whispers in my ear, “You sure you—”
I pull back and nod. “Here for the party.”
We all stand around, talking, and I try real damn hard to stay here, right here in this room with my friends, but I can’t help noticing the clock ticking minute after minute until it’s been nearly an hour and I don’t see Lucas, not once.
Then I hear a crash come from the living room, and then dead-ass silence right before I hear a familiar, albeit slurred, voice yell, “Not a party until something gets broken!”
The house rings out in laughter, applause, and chanting begins.
“Drink, drink, drink.”
I crane my neck to look around Tommy, who has been in my way this whole time, and see two guys holding Lucas’s ankles in the air as he does a keg stand. Then I see the slew of girls, who clearly don’t know it’s a whopping thirteen degrees outside, because they are barely freaking dressed and the …
Oh God, I think as I watch him finish his stance, get lowered to the ground, and kisses one of the skanks hard on the lips.
When he pulls away, he’s smiling, laughing … and so is she, and then something draws his attention this way.
“Tessa, baby, come here!” he yells out, and I watch all the girls look at me. Some of them glare, some roll their eyes, and some look around for another warm body to cozy up to.
I force a smile because we’re friends after all. I promised myself that after our last goodbye
As I walk around Tommy, Jade grabs my wrist. “Tessa, just—”
“I’m fine.” I force a smile then walk up to Lucas.
He grabs my chin, searches my eyes, and then he kisses me. To this, I don’t respond. Like, not at all.
He chuckles at this, and with his mouth still pressed to mine, he says, “You look so good tonight. What time is it?”
I look at my watch then back up to him, forcing myself to let him see how pissed I am. “Five to twelve.”
“Excellent. I have a surprise for you. Come with me.” Lucas grabs my hand and all but pulls me behind him as he sways through the crowd.
At this point, I’m a mix of trying to show zero emotion at all to the onlookers and worried he will fall and get hurt.
When he starts up the stairs, I hesitate, and when he looks back, he nearly falls. My heart aches because I know damn well this is not my Lucas. This is a Lucas who is trying to numb his hurt and escape his pain. He told me before, sex is his drug of choice, whereas I have taken a pill or run to knock myself out. I also know he’s not going to try anything.
As messed up as it is, I just want to get him to his room and hope he passes out, and then I’ll have Tommy clear the skank from his house.
In front of the door, he stops and pulls a piece of fabric from his pocket. Then he starts to put it around my eyes.
“Lucas, what are you—”
“You trust me?”
I nod and look at him sadly as he grins then wraps the fabric around my head, blinding me. Ironic …
I’m sure he has some gift, because he can’t be outdone, and it would be so Lucas to give me something. Something I will leave here with when he passes out. But, since it’s his birthday and he and I are friends, and let me be honest with myself, I need him to pass out so I don’t die a little more inside tonight by lying in bed, wondering who’s in his.
“I do,” I whisper.
“Leave that on … okay, baby?” He kisses my nose sweetly then pulls my hand so I follow.
In the dark, I hear his door open and the low music playing in his room.
Worry begins to tickle in my tummy, and I whisper, “It’s dark in here, Lucas, and you’re messed up. Please let me take this off.”
The door shuts behind me, and I start to step back when he … he kisses me.
Weak, stupid, needy me doesn’t stop him, and then I feel him unbuttoning my shirt.
“Lucas, we can’t keep doing this. We—”
“I think you’ll love this surprise. Okay, Tessa, now I want to share something with you. I’m going to turn on the light and remove the blindfold. I want you to promise me that you’ll have an open mind. In three … two … one.”
Lucas removes the blindfold then kisses me again, harder this time. I whimper but pull away.
He steps back and waves his hand toward his bed. “Surprise, baby.”
Bile rises in my throat when I see two of the Blonde Bs naked, lying in his bed, touching each other.
He pulls his Henley over his head, tosses it onto the floor, and I feel frozen … again.
Kneeling on his bed, they begin rubbing up his chest. My gut wretches and something inside of me breaks.
“Is this what you think of me? Are you fucking crazy?” I yell as I button my shirt then turn from the disgusting scene before me.
In his mirror, I see him coming for me. “I know you’re curious and thought you’d love this for your first time, Tessa. Was I wrong?”
Never have I been so angry in my life, or so I thought, because when he grabs my elbow, I whirl on him and punch him in the jaw.
He grabs my shoulders and gives me a look, a dark, sexual look. “Nice.”
I pull free and jump back to avoid him, turning so fast that my frozen feet don’t keep up with the rest of me, so I fall.
I grab for his dresser to avoid face-planting into it and instead slam my head against it.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Lucas barks out, and when I feel his hands on me, I kick at him.
“Don’t you ever fucking touch me again,” I whimper out, holding my hand over my eyes.
He reaches out again and grabs me.
“Let go of me or I will scream!”
“Lucas, let the bitch go. We’re still waiting,” one of them says, and I can’t see which because everything is blurry.
“Alex!” I scream as I kick Lucas hard in the junk, making him stumble back.
I scamper on all fours to the hallway then stand, grabbing the railing before hurrying down the stairs.
Alex is at the bottom of them.
I look down so he doesn’t see my face. More accurately, so he doesn’t see the corner of my eye. My voice quivers when I nearly beg, “Take me home now, please.”
I grab my shirt and pull it over my head. “You can leave now.”
“Really?”
Madison huffs.
I glare at them. “You served your purpose. Get dressed and get the fuck out.”
I head out the door and push through everyone as I try to get to Tommy.
He sees me first, grabs me, and shakes me. “What the fuck just happened?”
“Just doing what needs to be done.” I laugh as I pull away.
Jade steps between us and slaps me across the face.
I snarl at her, “You should be fucking thanking me, Jade.”
I look at Tommy. “Get everyone out of my fucking house.”
Chapter Seven
Alex and Phoebe take me home with not a word spoken. Phoebe does, though, hold my hand the whole ride. When I jump out, she follows.
Then, when I hear Alex throw the truck in gear instead of killing the engine, and the crunch of the snow under tires, I drop Phoebe’s hand and run back to the truck, jumping in front of it. “Stop!”
Phoebe tries taking my hand again, but I pull it away.
“Tessa, he’s your brother and he’s—”
“No!” Even through the blinding headlights, I can see Alex’s angry face. “It was my fault! I should have never gone! I should have known he—”
Alex throws open the driver’s door, shaking as he approaches me.
“Scary Alex … Uh-oh, scary, scary Alex,” Phoebe whispers.
“I’ve stayed out of this, Tessa, because that’s what you wanted. I’ve played this all your way, but a man doesn’t hit a fucking woman!”
When he gets close enough, I point to the corner of my eye and the side of my face. “This was from a fall. I—”
Alex shakes his head as he grabs my shoulders. “No—”
“I punched him in the face!” I poke myself hard in the chest. “I punched him then turned to run out of his room and freaking fell.”
To that, he looks at me like I’m some pathetic, delusional little girl.
“Swear on everything, Alex. And I also swear that, if you look at me like that again, I’ll sock you in the face, too!”
“Then, why did you call after me? No, scream for me?” He pokes himself in the chest. “I’m going to fuck him up because—”
“He tried to help me up, and I kicked the shit out of him and told him if he touched me again—”
“He was trying to—”
“Oh my God, Alex, he didn’t hurt me physically.” The dam breaks as I clench the fabric above my chest. “Here, okay? It doesn’t just hurt; it’s fucking broken! So, let me—”
“Okay.” He wraps his big old Alex arms around me and hugs me tightly. “Okay, Tessa. I’m so sorry. What can I do?”
“Call Aunt Josie and tell her I can’t work this weekend. Tell her I’m sorry, but—”
“Done. What else?”
“I just want to go to sleep.”
And sleep I do until Alex walks into my room and hands me the phone.
“Aunt Josie.”
“Shit,” I mumble, getting up.
Holding the phone against my ear, I say hello then explain that I no longer want to work with Lucas, but he still needs the job.
She doesn’t ask any questions; just simply says, “I’ll switch the schedule around; make sure that doesn’t happen.”
“Thank you.”
“I love you, Tessa.”
“Love you, too, Aunt Josie.”
Returning from break on Monday is not ideal, and I wish more than anything I can hide until my head is healed. Jade helps me cover it a bit, but you can’t cover swelling.
When I have to walk past Lucas’s locker, I do so. Unfortunately, he happens to turns around just as I’m passing. I don’t look at him, not even a glance. I hold my head up high and walk right past him. I don’t even jump when he slams his locker shut so loudly that the entire hall silences.
That night, Toby calls for the first time in forever, and I break down so hard.
“Angel,” he says, and I swear he winces when he does, like my pain hurts him, too. That … that seriously crushes me.
I sniff back my tears and ask, “If you know I’m it for you, like you say, then why are we waiting?”
“You know why,” he says softly.
I sigh when I realize I’m acting, well, my age. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. And, as much as I hate what he did to you”—he chuckles—“he’s made it so there’s no way you’ll ever think about him when you’re with me.”
On Wednesday night, I’m at Mom’s, sitting alone in the tiny bedroom, pretending to do homework but really trying to figure out how to make this hurt go away. However, the pain crushes my heart. Sometimes, though, I feel an emptiness where the hurt should be, and that pain … so much worse. It feels like love doesn’t matter. And, to be here, in Blue Valley, in this apartment … I feel it double. And hope? I watch her fading off in the distance. It terrifies me.
When I hear dishes tapping and water running, I head out of the room and see Mom washing dishes. I stand beside her and dry as she washes, putting them away immediately because there is no space for them to dry anywhere else.
Once we’re finished, I look over at her and say, “Mom, I want to go visit Aunt Ann.”
“At the Cape?” she asks.
I nod. “Just for a long weekend. I figured I could take a bus. I really need this. We have a three-day weekend coming up, and I could miss a day of school. Can I, please?” Regardless of how strong I feel, my voice breaks.
She hugs me. “Of course, Tessa, of course.”
Stepping off the Greyhound bus, I exhale then watch my breath freeze before me—proof that I am still breathing—as I scan the area and spot my great-aunt’s big yellow Dodge Coronet, about thirty feet from me. The car is older than me—a 1968—yet still in pristine condition.
Something about that makes my fleeting steps slow, and I feel that maybe, just maybe, this break in my heart will heal. Something about watching the windshield wipers swipe across the windshield and seeing my aunt pull her winter hat over her head, careful to cover her ears, reminds me that there are still things that haven’t changed.
I hurry toward her as she steps out, arms open wide, causing warmth to fill me, even in the bitter cold. “Welcome back, Tessa.”
I drop my bag on the frozen gravel and hug her. “Good to be back.”
Our hug lasted for a long time but, to me, it’s just long enough. Tears are spilled by each of us, happy tears. God, how I need them. I need her. I need this. It has been far too long.
Ann handed me the keys to her car, and when I don’t take them, she grins. “Don’t hesitate now from this high.” She lowers her hand. “You’ve been saying you couldn’t wait to drive this beauty, so now you’re eighteen and this is your chance.”
Roads slick and slush covered, I drive slow, yet it still only takes ten minutes to get to Aunt Ann’s home from the bus stop in Chatham.
Pulling off of Main Street to Main Shore Drive, I feel the same kind of peace but more intense than what I feel when I get to the edge of the woods leading down to the falls. Then, when I pull down the gravel road that leads to Ann’s driveway, I feel like I’m stomping in the water, and I’m not even touching it.
“Happy tears?” Ann asks, swiping a tear from my face, ones I didn’t know had fallen.
“The happiest.” I push into her touch as I pull into the driveway.
The house is the same, a true two-story cape, with gray washed shingled siding.
Peace. I feel peace and more at home than I have since my senior year began.
Hand in hand, we walk down the shoveled path from the driveway to her door. I find myself wondering how hard it is for her to do that by herself, at her age, in the frigid cold.
Entering the back porch, everything looks pristine. The walls, halfway up, then screened on all three sides. That screen, covered in heavy plastic to help conserve energy.
“I’m going to use the bathroom. Make yourself at home, Tessa, because this is home.”
After hanging my coat
on the hook and placing my wet shoes on the shoe tray, I look around, finding nothing at all has changed.
Ann doesn’t waste anything—bread bags, tin foil, and glass jars are always washed and reused. Thanksgiving turkey carcasses and ham bones are made into delicious soups. She washes clothes then hangs them on the line, even in the winter. She only uses the dryer if she has to. She believes careful planning can save time and lots of money. She loves all people, regardless of what others think. She’s really involved in her church and helping people in her community and does so without spending a lot of money.
I remember, when we were little, before Mom became a nurse and always after giving birth to one of us, Aunt Ann used to come help Mom with us, the house, and the meals. Mom is Ann’s only niece, but I’m sure, if she had ten, she would have done the same for each.
She never had children; an undetected miscarriage during World War II shattered that dream. Ann didn’t wallow in self-pity, though; she still loved life to the fullest. She doesn’t seem to care what people think of her. She’s what some call eccentric. And Ann is one of my favorite people in the entire world.
She loves gardening and talks to the plants as she cares for them because “if you take care of them and love them, they will take care of you.” I don’t know if that’s true or just coincidence, but whenever Ann helps with the garden, it produces two or three times what it does when she’s not involved.
Ann would bring bags full of high-end, high-quality designer clothes whenever she visits, clothes she bought from garages sales and thrift shops and always laughs at what others get rid of. She can remove any spot with something found in any households cupboard and fix any imperfection in clothing with a needle, thread, or a patch, leaving it appearing brand new.
Her husband, Fred, had a good job, and he and Ann worked hard. Neither made a lot of money, but with careful investing and saving, they had this beautiful home on the Atlantic Ocean, without any debt against it. Their car is ancient but in showroom condition. Their furniture is always covered with slipcovers unless people come to visit, and I immediately notice they have been removed for my visit.
