by Mj Fields
“Tessa, could you come inside with me for a minute?” Dad calls.
“Okay.” I stand then step out.
Alex wraps a towel around me then leans in and kisses the top of my head.
I look up at him with question in my eyes.
His narrow and tighten, and he simply says, “I love you, Tessa.” Then he steps aside.
I laugh uncomfortably. “I know.”
I call back to the girls. “Be right back. So much for a drama-free home front.”
Before stepping inside, where Dad is waiting, I look back and see Alex squat down and hug his knees.
I hurry inside and ask the question that I already feel the answer to. “Dad? Is everything okay?”
He hugs me tightly. “Tessa, there was an accident in Maine.”
I look up at him. “Maine?” Then it hits me. “Toby is in Maine.”
Tears fill my father’s eyes—my father, who rarely sheds them—and one falls.
“I’m so sorry, Tessa. Toby passed—”
I push him away as I run to the sink and throw up. I feel my legs shake, and then my knees buckle, just as Dad wraps his arms around me.
“I’m so sorry, baby girl. So—”
“No!” I scream.
“No!” I cry.
“No!” I sob.
Chapter Ten
Fucked. My life is completely fucked, I think as I wake up from—I turn to look at the clock—three hours of sleep.
Fucked, but at least I slept three hours, I think, pushing up off my bed then heading to the bathroom to check out the tattoo that I got on my arm, the one Tommy also got, something we planned to do once we knew where we would go to college … together.
We’re not going together now.
My college admissions are coming in almost daily, even those I didn’t apply to. Ohio, Alabama, and Texas all want me. Tommy was accepted to Texas, too. I got into SU, early decision, and would be playing ball. Per our plans, before Sadi’s pregnancy, I told them to fuck off and was fully prepared to do so, but Tommy, my brother, told me there is no way in hell he’ll allow me to turn it down because … “I may be your brother, and you know I feel it to my soul, but your child, he needs you here, and I love you enough to—”
“I can move Sadi and—”
“Fuck that,” he sneers. “She’s still holding onto some delusion that you’ll be together, even though she’s telling you she understands the opposite. You take her with us, she’s going to stomp all over you like a fucking demonic horse using that kid to do that. You need to use your God-given talent to get away from the other demonic horse that stomps all over you—your old man. So, no means fuck no. I’m not going to Texas and neither are you. You’re going to SU. I’m thinking of joining the military and—”
“No fucking way,” I cut him off.
When he looks down, I know this isn’t just Tommy talking … dreaming of what’s ahead for us. There’s a plan.
I nudge him. “Talk, man.”
“Army and Navy have great football teams.”
It hurts to think the best thing in my life is clearly moving on, but because I’m the cause, it doesn’t just hurt; it guts me.
When he smiles and shakes his head before flopping back on my bed, laughing, I tell him to spill it, so he does.
“Jade and I are going to get married, and she doesn’t know it yet, because I needed to let you know first. I’m going to accept the Army’s deal, get my education, play ball, and paid more so I can pay for her schooling, too. She’s going to be a shrink and—”
“You sure about this, Tommy?”
“Yeah, man, and my education is free, so my parents can’t tell me what to do anymore. I don’t need the money. I’ll be mounting my own demonic horse, making it my bitch, and riding high, man. I’ll be doing it with Jade knowing that you’re kicking ass and taking care of you, too. And Lucas, West Point is a good school, so—”
“You don’t need to sell this to me, Tommy. You’re happy, man. And that makes me happy.”
After my shower, I look in the mirror and see the tattoo, the same one that my brother has—a bad-ass horse being driven, not stomped on, by men who have, in a sense, driven their own demons for years, and we will; we promised each other. We don’t make promises we can’t keep to each other, and when we make them, we don’t break those promises.
When my phone rings on my nightstand, I head out and grab it, noticing I have several missed calls from Tommy.
“How’s the arm?” I ask.
“Hey, Lucas.” He sounds … hurt.
“What’s going on, Tommy? You sound off, man.”
“Lucas, Toby died. He fucking died.”
Unable to think, let alone speak, I sit silently as I listen to Tommy sniff back what I assume are tears and fight back my own emotion.
No, I didn’t love Toby Green, but as I admitted to Tommy just last night, I truly liked him for her. He was a good man, and even a heartbroken, self-sabotaging asshole like me could see that.
Finally, I ask the question I was refusing to ask, because it hurts to love her, but it hurts more to pretend I don’t. “How is she?”
“She won’t talk to anyone. The girls were at the house when she found out, and Alex took them home. Jade went back this morning, and Tessa took off in his Jeep. They haven’t found her yet.”
“Okay, I’ll help look for her. I’ll be at the farm in a bit.”
“Don’t do this if it’s gonna hurt.”
“I’ll be fine.”
Shocks me that they didn’t look here first, I think, which happens to be the first clear thought I have had since I got in the vehicle. I’m not even sure how the hell I got here. Everything was a blur until now, until I saw the Jeep.
I throw the SUV into park behind it then hop out into the snow, heading into Doe Camp.
Tessa’s frail form is lying on the couch, sobbing. She’s crying so hard that she doesn’t hear me come in or to her, and I do not do so quietly. Knowing her, she’s going to be pissed, but pissed or not, she needs someone. Whether she or I like it or not, that someone is me.
Sitting next to her, she still doesn’t hear me, and she doesn’t feel the sofa move because she’s shaking so badly.
I pull a blanket from the back of the sofa, place it over her, and quietly say, “Hey, Tessa.”
She looks up at me with anger, more than I have ever seen in her, and I have seen a lot, because I caused a lot. But she doesn’t say anything; she just glowers then pulls her body into a ball and shakes now with silent sobs.
“I’m going to call Tommy so he can tell your family where you are, all right?”
“I want to be alone. I don’t want to see anyone right now. I certainly don’t want you here,” Tessa chokes out.
“Understand that. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. They’re worried about you right now.”
Tessa throws the blanket off of her, stands up, and then storms through the camp, out the door, and outside to the Jeep.
I watch as she pulls her keys out of her pocket then rush to her, snatching them away and bracing for her to unleashed hell.
Her back to me, she balls her fists, and I inhale the first breath I think I have taken in fucking months. Then, exhaling, I tell her, “I‘ll tell them I’m with you and you’re fine, but you aren’t driving anywhere.”
“I don’t want you here, either!” she screams as she whirls on me and tries to grab the keys.
I hold them tightly, knowing damn well she’s in no shape to drive.
She begins slapping at my hand then at my chest. I wrap an arm around her and pull her tightly against me, and not to hug her like I wish I could, or thinking my holding her would comfort her. I know better. It is to trap her hands, and not because it hurts, but because I know how she will beat herself up about losing it on anyone, especially me later.
“I hate you!” she screams, managing to free herself from my grasp enough to turn her body away from me.
Unable t
o stop myself, I grab her and pull her back against my chest, set on holding her until she stops fighting. “I get that, Tessa, but you can’t be alone. I’ll just wait with you until you’re ready, and then I’ll give you a ride home.”
She pulls away from me and runs, fucking runs, inside as I follow. Then she slams the door in my face.
I pull my phone from my hoodie pocket and call the Ross house as I walk to my vehicle to grab her a bottle of water.
Alex answers.
“I found her. She’s at camp, but she wants to be alone. If it’s all right, I’ll wait out here with her until she’s ready.”
“Yeah. Yeah, of course. Thanks.”
When I walk in, she’s curled up in the same spot, completely covered, and it dawns on me that it’s the same place she lay with Toby after homecoming.
I sit down on the floor next to her, and she peeks out. She opens her mouth to talk, and I hand her the bottle of water. She rolls her eyes, covers her head again, and pleads, “Go away.”
I don’t reply.
She ends up sleeping for two hours before she sits up again. When she sees me, she covers her face then wipes her sleeve under her nose.
I lift the water bottle, and she takes it. After drinking the whole thing, she lies back down and cries again. It guts me.
Another two hours passes before she wakes up again and looks out from under the blanket. I lift another bottle of water, and she covers back up, and then she cries … again.
It’s five at night when she gets up, finally taking the bottle of water as she walks to a cupboard and grabs a container of baby wipes, washing off her face before blowing her nose into it then slamming back the bottle of water.
Standing and stretching, I wonder if crying that much causes dehydration, and then I wonder why the fuck I even think of such shit, and why now.
“Thank you for the water.” She turns around, looking down and playing with her ring, one I noticed earlier.
“You’re welcome, Tessa. Your ring is beautiful. Was it from Toby?”
“Yes,” she snaps as she walks back over, lies back down, covers herself up, and cries herself back to sleep.
I rethink giving her the damn water. Maybe she wouldn’t be able to cry anymore if my theory was right. And maybe I wouldn’t want to crawl out of my skin, because seeing her cry … is killing me.
Two hours later, my phone rings. I answer.
“Hey, Lucas. Mom and Dad need her to come home. Toby’s parents want to see her. Can you get her here?”
“I will get her there.”
Fuck, this is going to hurt, I think as I stand up, grabbing the bottle of water then leaning down. I push the blanket from her face and whisper, “Tessa, wake up.”
She doesn’t move, so I do something that I may regret, but knowing how hard she sleeps, I chance it.
I pocket the water then pick her up. She wraps her hands around my shoulders, and I hold her back so she’s against me as I walk us to the door.
She whimpers his name, “Toby.”
I kiss the top of her head. Stupid fucking move because her scent, the one I miss so damn much, overtakes me. Makes me want more. I inhale. It’s not hard to tell that she’s lost weight again either, and that is because of me. I don’t deserve to inhale her, let alone touch her.
I adjust her as I open the passenger door, and she looks up, defeat in her eyes.
“What are you doing?”
“Taking you home. Alex called.” I open the door and set her in. Then I buckle her up and tell her the rest. “Toby’s parents want to see you. They’re coming over to your house.”
“What time is it?” She sniffs, eyes filling up with tears again.
“Almost seven.”
She says nothing else; she simply stares out the window as we drive up the dirt road, through the snowdrifts, until we pull onto the road.
Leaving this place causes my chest to burn. No matter the bad that’s happened, I cherish the firsts here with her, the forgiveness the land around camp tends to yield … even to those undeserving.
* * *
At the house, I throw the SUV into park, jump out, and then rush around to open the door for her, but she beats me to it.
She looks up at me after shutting the door behind her. “Thank you.”
Unable to say a thing, afraid it will be wrong and not wanting to upset her, I nod then walk away.
I wait like some sort of idiot until she gets inside. Then I watch, like a thief stealing a moment, as she runs from the back room to the kitchen. I smile when I see both her parents hug her. The burn in my chest intensifies. She’s got her parents, and I know they’ll make sure she’s okay.
I start to put my ride in gear when the passenger door opens and Alex slides in. “Mom and Dad wanted me to thank you for finding her and sitting with her.”
“She slept.”
“How the hell did you find her so fast?”
I shrug. “One of the two places Tessa goes when she’s upset or angry.” I look over at him. “Alex, what the hell happened?”
“Not sure. I just know it was an accident, and his parents are going to be here any minute to see Tessa. I assume they’ll let us know. I’ll call you later and let you know. Thanks again, Lucas.” He opens the door and slides out.
Pulling out of the driveway, my phone rings.
“Lucas, you okay?” Tommy asks.
Trying to figure out if I give him the bullshit answer, making sure he’s not stressing me, or telling him I’m so fucked right now that he steps in.
“I’m grabbing a pizza and heading to your place.”
“Tommy, it’s all good.”
He forces a laugh. “You bet your ass it is. Double pepperoni and extra cheese. Smells delicious. See you in a little bit.”
Chapter Eleven
After showering, brushing my teeth, and dressing, I walk out of the bathroom and almost fall over Chewy. I lean down to pat his head, guilty because all I seem to do is cry these days, and I know he feels it.
When he perks up and stands then growls and starts for the kitchen, I know the Greens are here.
As soon as Toby’s parents walk in, I walk up to his mom, and she throws her arms around me. We cry as Mr. Green rubs our backs, holding back his own tears.
After several minutes, he sighs. “All right, ladies, let’s have a seat.”
We sit, and I hold Toby’s mom’s hand, and Mom holds her other as Mr. Green tells about the accident. During training, he fell and hit his head. He was twenty feet up, and although he had several injuries, it was a fatal blow to the head that killed Toby instantly. All of us, except Toby’s father and mine, cry silently as he tells the story as if he has a hundred times today, and I assume he has.
Is it possible that the more you talk about it, the duller the pain becomes?
He then tells us that the services will be held in Syracuse. They didn’t want the large motorcade and had a lot of family from out of town that would be flying in. Toby’s grandparents were buried in the same small Irish Catholic cemetery in East Syracuse, and they want him to be with them. The services will be held a week from Wednesday with a family viewing on Tuesday night.
They tell me that the Jeep is mine, but I object. They won’t hear it. They tell me that they know that’s what he wanted and, by God, they’ll give him that, and so should I.
They knew Toby loved me and that we had future plans. They have known me and my family for years. And Toby was part of what we considered our extended family. His loss … his fucking loss is … horrific.
I spend the next week curled up with Chewy, watching mindless TV all day and going to play rehearsal, which we are having even though there is no school this week.
No one knows at rehearsal, and I’m able to pretend my whole fucking world hasn’t taken a nuclear hit since the beginning of the year. I didn’t think anything could be worse than 1993, the year my parents’ marriage fell apart in front of my own eyes, but 1994 is making ’93 look like a d
ay at Disney.
Losing Lucas was devastating. Losing Ann and Toby? I’m not sure how I’m going to ever be the same, but here at practice, I can be the old me.
The service was horrible. I can’t begin to understand how people can say, “It was a beautiful service.” There was absolutely nothing beautiful about seeing him in a box, laying there lifeless and appearing waxy. There was nothing beautiful about people gathered inside a church crying. There was nothing beautiful about the black car that took him to the cemetery. There was absolutely nothing beautiful about the military men giving his mother a flag and the sound of the trumpet in the distance playing “Taps.” The dirt thrown on the casket that held my friend, the man I knew loved me and I would have loved always … well, there was nothing beautiful about that, either.
As I look down, cars blur in my peripheral as they leave the cemetery. I can’t bring myself to get in. I don’t want to leave him.
I hear the door open then shut behind me.
“Are you ready, Tessa?” Mom asks softly.
I shake my head then walk back over to the plot where they threw dirt on Toby, hearing Mom follow.
Another tear falls, and I slap it away. “It’s ugly, Mom.”
“I know, honey. But did you see the flowers? They’re beautiful.” I watch her walk to them and pluck a card out of one. “Tessa, did you see these, honey? I think they’re from friends of yours.”
I don’t answer.
“Jade and Tommy sent these pretty ones.” She points to another arrangement. “Phoebe and Becca sent this arrangement. And this one is from Lucas.”
I glance up and see a large basket of yellow roses and white Gerber daisies. Then I look away.
“Can you give me a minute, Mom? I’ll meet you at the car.”
As soon as I hear the car door shut in the distance, I drop to my knees and cry. I cry hard, too. Maybe the hardest ever. I try to think of good things, like Toby. He was good … And that it must be a blessing that the ground hasn’t frozen so that we didn’t have to go through this again in the spring. I trace the letters of his name on the cold gray stone, and then press a kiss to it, tears flowing like the river after the first thaw.
