by Mj Fields
“She told me I should move and pushed me.”
I look back, hell-bent on setting her straight, and see Lucas seething.
“I wouldn’t have expected that from you!”
I roll my eyes then walk the hell away.
“And you think she is so perfect,” Sadi cries behind me.
Later that day, two notes show up in my locker. The first:
What the fuck are you doing? Don’t you know what she’s been through?
… L
The second:
My friend would not have done that. Best of luck, Tessa.
… L
I’m getting the same signature as Sadi did, because he’s allowing her crazy ass to.
I head down to the nurse and tell her that I have a headache. I ask to lie down. Once alone, I shed a few tears then fall asleep.
Friday night, I go to Alex’s game and sit with Cassidy on one side and Phoebe on the other, Jade sits on the other side of Phoebe. The game is good, pretty physical. Lucas is sitting because he got a few too many fouls. I try not to look at him, but I can feel his eyes piercing through me. When I look up and he gives me a dirty look, I simply walk away.
When the game is over, I wait with the girls for Alex and Tommy. Lucas walks out, grabs my arm, and then stalks us to the opposite end of the hall.
Once out of earshot from everyone, he drops my arm and turns around, a look of disgust as he all but spits out, “I don’t know if you’re fucking high at school or just being a bitch, but that best not happen again!”
Heart beating heavily against my chest, it hurts that he believes the shit Sadi was pulling.
“Lucas, I know you’re upset, but—”
“But nothing, Tessa. Cut the shit!”
Pissed, I step closer and level him with a glare. “If you grab me like that again, I’ll—”
“You’ll what, Tessa? Spit in my face, slap me, or punch me? We’ve been through all of that.” He taps his head with a finger. “You know what? I should have seen it then. You’re no fucking better than the rest of them, so how about you step down from that high horse of yours and grow up! The only difference was you thought you were better, Miss Fucking Perfect. I never got why you didn’t have boys knocking down your door. Now I do!”
I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. I can’t even breathe.
“What, Tessa? Nothing to say?”
“Lucas, whatever gets you through this. I never said I was perfect. But she is delusional, and you … you are so fucking mean.”
I turn and see people looking at us, at me, whispering. I look down as I hurry past everyone to Cassidy. “Can we go?”
“Tessa, what just happened?” Alex calls from beside me.
I shrug. “Nothing. But one of you guys might want to tell him to get some help.”
Once inside the safety of Cassidy’s little VW bug, I open the glovebox and grab her cute little bowl.
She hands me a lighter then peels out of the parking lot.
I spark it up then breath out, “Hot tub?”
“Hell yes.” Cassidy laughs.
Cassidy and I make fast work to the hot tub, and even faster turning up the boom box with the cassette of our play tracks on it.
Past the trees, I see lights and am a bit disappointed that Alex didn’t go chill Lucas out. And that pisses me off because it’s not Alex’s responsibility.
Less than three months, Lucas will be at SU, and Alex at Cornell, and that guilt, that friendship I forced, will be gone, I’m sure. Me? Undecided.
“Where are you going to college?” I ask Cassidy.
“Fredonia.”
“For?”
“Musical theatre. So is Jimmy.”
“That’s awesome.”
“And you?”
“Haven’t decided yet.”
“Your major?”
“Nursing.”
“Not music? That’s insane. You’re…” She stops as hands cover my eyes.
“Guess who?”
Ben.
I laugh. “I know who I want it to be.”
“And who is that?” he asks.
“Ben, get your fine butt in here.”
He jumps in, sitting next to me and grabbing my hand.
“I thought you would be here in the morning.”
“Sorry, I couldn’t wait. Our game was canceled. Something about the power being out at the home team’s school.” He grins. “Tessa, can I kiss you?”
“You better.”
He does.
Cassidy clears her throat.
Laughing, we pull away from each other.
“I should get going. See—”
“Hell no, I’m intruding. You stay,” Ben says, leaning back and closing his eyes, broad chest all sorts of on display. “Just ignore me. I’ll be out in a minute, or twenty.”
Ben is a ball of energy all the time. He’s happy and just fun to be around. After the week I had, I’m glad I didn’t cancel and excited that he is here.
More headlights pull in as Ben and I sit and stare at each other. A few minutes pass before Alex, Phoebe, Jade, Tommy, and Lucas come walking out.
Shit, shit, shit.
Ben grabs my hand under the water and gives it a squeeze. “I think you better sit on my lap. Might not be enough room if you don’t.”
“It’s a ten person tub; I think we can all fit.” Then I whisper, “Besides, I want to be able to look at you.”
“You could always sit the other way.” Ben winks.
Ben then stands up and extends his hand. “Hey, Alex.”
Alex shakes his hand.
Ben then waves. “Hello, Phoebe, Jade, Tommy, Lucas.”
“When did you get in? I thought you’d be here tomorrow morning?” Alex asks as he sits down.
“Our game got canceled. How’d you guys do?”
“We won by four. Would have been more if there weren’t so many foul shots. I think Lucas thought it was football,” Alex jokes.
“It’s all about control, man.” Ben smirks as he sits. “That’s why I love the game. You get that ball in your hands, and you make lots of fancy well-practiced moves, and then it’s hard and fast down the court and swish … it’s in.”
“You talking about basketball or fucking, Ben?” Lucas snarls as he gets in.
“Well, Lucas, I was talking about basketball, but now that you mention it …” Ben wags his brows.
I look at Lucas and can immediately tell he hit a cute, little pipe, and more than once, too.
I narrow my eyes at him. He rolls his and turns away.
I stand and lean over to stop the tape then turn on the radio. When I turn back around, Ben winks.
I lean back, smiling as I look around, and see how awkward it is.
“I’m going to make some snacks.”
“You got the munchies, Tessa?” Lucas snaps.
“Do you?” I ask, getting up.
Ben stands. “I’ll help you out.”
Once inside, he grabs me from behind and kisses my neck. “You want me to kick his ass?”
I shrug. “No, he’s just going through some stuff.”
The door slams, and I jump.
“Tessa, you want to tell him the stuff I’m going through? How about we tell Ben here what you’re actually like?”
I turn and glare at him. “First of all, Lucas, I didn’t tell him. Second, whatever you need to say to him, go ahead.”
“I don’t need to know shit, Tess,” Ben says as he kisses my cheek. “He’s just sorry he fucked up. You made the right choice.”
“She did make the right choice. Then he died less than two weeks ago. You’re fucking third, bitch!”
“How about you and I go outside, Daddy, and see who walks back in here first!” Ben steps toward him.
Lucas lunges at him and grabs him by the throat. Ben throws a punch and hits Lucas in the face.
“Alex!” I scream.
Tommy and Alex are here in an instant. Tommy grabs Lucas, Al
ex grabs Ben, and they pull them apart.
“You’re nothing but a fucking bitch, Ben!” Lucas yells.
“Says the—”
“Ben, don’t! Please!” I cry as Lucas pulls away from Tommy.
“Fuck you, Tessa. And fuck the rest of you, too!” Lucas starts for the door.
I grab Phoebe. “Get Lucas’s keys. He’s high.”
“Links, sit!” Alex yells. “Right fucking now! Ben, you, too.”
Ben moves to sit next to Lucas, a smirk on his face.
“Other side!”
Oh boy.
I run upstairs and throw on some sweats and a hoodie then run back down.
Shaking, I turn on the oven, grab a few cookie sheets, pull some frozen pizzas from the freezer, and place them on the sheet. Then I open the cupboard to find chips and look in the fridge for some sour cream, set on making dip.
“Anything to say yet, Tessa?” Lucas snaps.
“Lucas, that’s enough,” Phoebe snaps at him.
Afraid he’ll say something to her, and that Alex, who already dropped the F-bomb, will go full Captain America on him, I address the situation, even though it’s going to hurt like hell.
I turn and look at Ben. “My aunt died, and I was there. It messed me up, and then my very dear friend, the man who I truly thought I would be with someday … probably the forever kind … died. Ben … Toby died.” I will the tears welling in my eyes to stay back, shake my head to try to clear my mind, and then I continue, “I’ve been pretty messed up since. But I’m happy when I’m with you. If that’s too much, I get it. And I am sorry I didn’t tell you, but sometimes it gets stuck”—I hold my hand over my heart—“and I can’t bear to let it out.”
He looks shocked.
I step toward him and point to Lucas. “Lucas is normally not such a fucking asshole.” I pause. “I mean, he sometimes is, and I’ve definitely been known to call him that, but a week ago, his girlfriend, or ex, or—”
“Sadi.” Ben nods.
“Yeah, I forgot you were acquainted. But they lost their baby. He’s a mess, so please excuse him.”
Ben stands and hugs me while saying, “Lucas, man, I didn’t know. Wouldn’t have dropped the daddy slap. Bitch move. Again, sorry.”
“Well, Tessa, do go on. Full disclosure for Ben. Tell him the shit you pulled on Sadi in the locker room,” Lucas sneers.
I step away from Ben then turn to Lucas. “Sure thing, friend.”
I look at Ben and tell him what happened the day she went off on me in the locker room, and the next day, the part about the tissue and what Lucas heard in the locker room and after the game. “And if Lucas wasn’t hurting, he may be able to remember who I am and who she is. However, if that’s what he needs to think, I’m good with that. I know what a friend is. I know who I am.”
I turn to look at Lucas. “High horse, Lucas. Fuck you.” Then … then the tears fall.
“If you ever touch her again, I’ll break your fucking arm, quarterback.” Ben takes my hand and walks me toward the other room.
I stop. “Pizzas.”
“Go. We got them,” Jade says sweetly.
I look at her. “You better set a timer.”
She smiles, and it’s with apology. “Okay.”
I nod. “Okay.”
We sit on the couch, and Ben grabs a tissue and starts to hand it to me then stops. “You want this, or will it cause you to go rabid on me?”
I laugh and take it.
“You’ll get through all that stuff, Tessa Ross. I will help you.” He grabs another tissue and helps wipe my tears.
I hear Lucas in the kitchen. “I’m going to leave. I’m sorry, Alex. Please tell Tessa—”
“Phoebe said you’re high, so you’re staying,” Alex snaps.
“Pizza will be done soon,” Phoebe says softly.
“Let’s watch a movie,” Ben says, standing up. “Bambi.”
I laugh. “Oh my God, do not do that to me right now.”
He pops in a movie then sits down beside me, pulling me into him, and sighs. “This thing between us gets going good, you’re going to start coming to Watkins. This place is like one of the daytime shows Mom watches.”
He stands up. “I’m gonna go shower off the chlorine and change. You good?”
I nod. “Yeah. Go.”
Jade walks in and sits on the coffee table, wrapped in a towel. “You know I love you.”
“Of course.”
“Then stop keeping shit from me.”
I smile. She doesn’t.
“I’m serious, Tessa. My head may be in the clouds when I’m around Tommy, but I’m not an astronaut. I’m still right here.”
I hug her, and out of my mouth comes something I didn’t expect. “He needs you, Jade, just help Tommy with him, please.”
She leans back and looks at me. Really looks deeply, too.
“That’s what I need.”
“I see that.” She stands and holds out her hand. “Come on; you do have people out here, too, you know.”
When we walk out, Cassidy stands, and I cover my mouth. I forgot she was here.
“Hey, Tessa.”
“Oh God, Cassidy, come here. Let’s talk.” I hurry to her, dragging her over to the deck so we can sit on the stairs.
“Cassidy, I try really hard to keep all this messy stuff out of the public eye. It’s a mess and actually pretty embarrassing. I really hope you can keep this between us. I don’t want anyone looking at me, or Lucas, or even Sadi any differently.”
“I won’t say anything, I promise. If you want to talk ever, I’m here.”
“Thanks for the offer, but Cass, that’s what I adore about our friendship—it’s fun.”
“Well, okay.” She looks down then up at me, puppy dog eyes. “But, Tessa, if you need to, don’t hold back.”
“Don’t look at me that way, chick. No pity.” I force a laugh.
“Got it.” She stands, and I with her
“Cassidy, you should stay. Pizzas—”
“Meeting Jimmy and some others. We’ll catch up later, okay?”
“Promise?” I sound pathetic, but I don’t care. I love Cassidy.
“Trust me; your drama and my drama, the shit I leave at home.” She laughs. “I was gonna say they should hang out, but they absolutely shouldn’t. World War III might happen.”
After walking her to her car, I walk back to the deck, needing a minute, so I sit on the steps.
“Hey, Tessa.”
I see him walking around the trees.
“Well, hello there, Lucas.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Oh, Lucas, really, it’s no big deal.” I start to stand, and he steps in front of me and squats down. He brushes his knee against mine, causing me to hold my breath.
“No, Tessa … I’m really sorry.”
I look up. “Okay. Just be better.” Then I force myself to stand and leave.
Chapter Sixteen
I watch her walk inside. Once my baby until I corrupted and broke her. Then his angel, a pet name that used to piss me off, but then it became apparent it was appropriate. No matter how much I try to demonize her, she’s still that—an angel. One with both wings.
Then there is Sadi.
I walk up the few steps and sit on the chaise, in the dark. What the hell am I going to do about her? I forced myself to believe she was changing. Hell, at least accepting. I was honest with her about having no romantic interest, and she accepted it, or so I thought. Now she’s giving Tessa shit and lying. Except, I don’t think she believes she’s lying. I think she’s to the point where she believes her own shit.
She’s dangerous, my own one-winged angel whispers.
For one of the few times in my life, I agree.
David.
“That’s a good boy, Chewy,” I hear Tessa a while later then watch her under the light as she pets him before throwing the ball.
She laughs as he brings it back and rewards him with a scratch behind the ear befo
re throwing it again, this time closer to the deck.
He stops and runs toward me.
She laughs again. “Chewy, get your fuzzy butt over here. You’re supposed to return the ball, or the game isn’t fun anymore.”
She walks around the corner at the same time that he starts licking my face.
She gets almost to me before she sees me. “Sorry. Come on, Chewy.”
He sits at my feet and barks at her.
“Really, dog?”
“Hello, again.”
“How …? How …? How long have you been out here? Aren’t you cold?”
“No, Mom, I’m good,” I joke.
“Okay then. Come on, Chewy, you stubborn ass.”
“Will you sit with me, please?”
“Nope.” She grabs Chewy’s collar, but he pulls away. “Could you get Chewy in the house, please?”
“Nope.”
“Okay, Lucas, what can I do for you?”
“Stop trying to take care of me, for one. I can handle it.”
“Done. Is that it?”
“Don’t take any shit from her, Tessa. If she is … delusional, it needs to be dealt with. I’ve told her a million times that she and I could try to be friends, but nothing more ever again. I’ve gone to counseling with her for months and even taken her to see an individual therapist weekly. I thought I was doing the right thing, that she was changing, and now this? I’ll figure it out, but this … She’s”—I shake my head—“fucked up.”
“Like bunny boiling f’ed up?”
I laugh, and she laughs, too.
Her laugh, God … her laugh is everything.
“I think I’m going to go to counseling with her for a couple more weeks and bring this up. What do you think?”
She shrugs. “I’m not your mother, remember?”
“Sorry, Tessa.”
She sighs. “It must be exhausting.”
“What’s that?”
“Always having to say you’re sorry to me because I’m so darn perfect.” She grins.
“You are,” slips out quietly, and she looks at me, eyes softening. I take her hand and kiss it while standing. “I need to tell you something.”
