by Mj Fields
Inside, I grab the phone and call Cassidy. “Hey, could you pick me up before the play? I’m without a vehicle.”
“Of course. You need me now?” she asks sweetly.
“Think I need some sleep.”
“I’m here, okay?” she asks.
“You truly are an angel,” I tell her, my voice breaking.
Tears falling, I heat water, add some chicken bouillon, and drink it down. Then I eat some crackers and start the laundry.
Chewy nudges me, and I pet him. He moves to the doorway and growls at me.
I walk out of the bathroom, and he’s sitting by my spot on the couch. It hurts my heart that this is what he deems as normal for me.
“Yeah?”
His tail thumps against the hard wood.
“Okay.”
“Tessa?” I hear Kendall and push myself to sit up. “Are you excited about tonight?”
She needs me to say yes, so I do, and I do it with a nod and a smile.
She sits next to me. “I can’t wait to see you happy.”
“Oh Kendall.” I hug her. “You, you Kendall Ross, make me happy.”
I lean back, afraid I’ll cry if I allow the depth of how I’m hurting everyone else set in. Then I stand and hold out my hand. “Help me prep?”
She places hers in mine. “I’d like that.”
Together, we make hot water and bullion, fill one of Dad’s big Thermos. Then Kendall insists on me taking snacks. As she cuts up fruit, I hit the bathroom, brush my teeth, and pop some more Tylenol.
As I leave, Kendall handing me my things, a complete reversal of roles, and a sad realization of the short time I have left of this year. An even shorter amount of time to try to make happy memories that I pray erases some of the horrible ones that she, Jake, and Alex have had with me before college.
“You are the best little sister in the entire universe, Kendall Ross.”
She scrunches up her nose.
I whisper. “The best sister, actually. Just don’t tell Molly, okay?”
“Your secrets, all of them, are safe with me.”
Ouch.
The play is going great. At intermission, I take more Tylenol, drink my hot water, and eat some of the orange slices and crackers that Kendall packed for me, forcing myself to believe I’m fine. Apparently, it goes well, because we receive a standing ovation.
After returning my costumes to the rack, I walk out to the hall, and the first real smile of the day brightens my face when I see Cassidy standing there with Ben.
“Hey, hot stuff.” He beams.
I lunge and hug him. “Ben!”
He laughs and hugs me back tightly.
“You were amazing,” Ben says, leaning back and giving me a sweet kiss. Then he looks me over. “You’re hot.”
I grin. “Why, thank you. You’re not so bad yourself, and the flowers, Ben, are gorgeous.”
Ben laughs as I hug him again and says, “Tessa, you’re always a stunner, but I mean you feel very warm.”
“Yeah, I think I’m sick.” I shrug. “But the show must go on.”
I step away and dig in my bag, pulling out my Polaroid. “Hey, Cassidy, you mind taking a picture of me and my Ben?”
“Your Ben, huh?” He chuckles in amusement, and I feel like a complete idiot. He swings his grin at her. “Take two. I need one of me and my Tessa.” He says this while tucking me under his arm, and I elbow him. He laughs, and that’s the picture I want. A memory of Ben Sawyer looking happy, as he always did.
Once we both have our pictures, we walk toward the exit of Blue Valley High.
Outside, he asks, “Okay, girl … how are you really doing?”
“Honestly, I’m horrible.” I smile a big, fake stage smile. “But this is the first time I have smiled since”—I pause and laugh—“we got pulled over.”
His head falls back as he laughs, his beautiful smile beaming into the night. And I imagine all the gray clouds that have been lingering part and the sun smiles, ready to make its reappearance soon, but not soon enough.
“Tess?” he asks as I stare at him.
I shake the thought away and ask, “What have you been up to?”
“The usual. But I’m not the one in crisis here. Talk to me.”
I air all my grievances, even those about Lucas and how he’s treating me. He doesn’t say one cross thing about him; he just listens then wraps me up in a tight, around the shoulders, very brotherly hug. It hurts to lose that hope, that hope that I could be happy with him, but not as bad as it would if we ended something that never really had a chance to begin and he hated me … like Lucas.
“Tess, you’re grieving, and so are they. I’m here when you need me.” He holds me like that, like a brother, until the parking lot is almost empty. “I hate to do this, but I have to go. I have a game tomorrow, and if I go now, I’ll be home in time to get a solid eight.”
I nod. “Please let me know when you get there, and please, Ben … drive safely.”
He hugs me tighter now, placing his chin on the top of my head and inhaling.
I smile against his chest, the same kind of smile you get on your face when you read a book that ends and you love it so much but, at the same time, hate that it ended.
Cassidy drops me off to get the Jeep—Toby’s Jeep—and I open the door, lean in, and put the roses that Ben gave me on the passenger seat.
“Tessa, what are you doing?” Lucas booms from somewhere.
I don’t look for him. I can’t take anymore today. “Getting the Jeep.”
“Why?” he demands.
Now I turn and scowl at him. “So, I can get to Jade’s.”
“Becca is staying with her tonight,” he growls.
“Well, so am I,” I shoot back.
“You’re sick and are going home.”
“You don’t get to tell me what to do, Lucas.” My voice breaks and burns.
I hop in the Jeep and start it right as my door flies open, and then Lucas reaches in with his big, stupid arm and pulls the keys out.
“Where have you been tonight?” he spits.
“Our play started tonight; that’s where I was. I was on stage and singing and pretending I was someone else for two hours. Now give me back my keys.”
“Who are the flowers from, Tessa, huh?”
“Ben, he came to see the play tonight.”
He grabs my arm and pulls me from the Jeep. I try to keep up, having zero fight in me.
He throws open the passenger door of his vehicle and all but throws me in. I look out the window as he slides into the driver’s seat, reaches across me, and yanks my seat belt, buckling it. Then he peels out onto the street and hauls ass to my house.
At my house, he starts to reach across to open the door, same as before, and I push his arm away.
“Go inside, Tessa!”
“Fuck you, Lucas,” I snap as I throw off my seat belt then throw open the door with a louder, “Fuck you!”
I stomp down the driveway and hear his engine rev up. Then he pulls in front of me, cutting me off, and jumps out.
He points in my face. “No, fuck you, Tessa. You get in that fucking house and go to bed!”
When he reaches for me, I jump back. He grabs my arm, and I whimper at the tenderness at that spot, the one he seems to be grabbing a lot.
“You’re scaring me.” Hurting me.
“Good.” Lucas points behind me. “Now get in the fucking house. Now!”
I run from him and into the house.
“No,” I scold my tears. “Not yet, you don’t.”
I grab the phone and call Jade’s. Phoebe answers and tells me that Jade is asleep, and then she tells me sweetly that I should get some sleep, too.
After a shower, I climb in bed, Chewy at my heels. So not to wake Kendall, I cry silently into his warm fur until I fall asleep.
Chapter Twenty Five
I follow Alex up the stairs. “It’s worth repeating that she should not be there if she’s sick.”
&
nbsp; “I get that, but she won’t,” he says in the way Alex does—trying to hold back his anger, possibly hatred toward me. Those feelings he has? He’s not alone in.
Chewy’s ears perk up when he sees me, and I realize that he’s the best money that I’ve ever spent. Cheaper than a therapist.
She’s hugging him tightly, even in her sleep. And her night shirt, a tank top, is loose. So loose I can just about see a nipple.
Her eyes pop open as if hearing my dirty thought, and she looks terrified when she sees Alex then pissed when she sees me.
Same, Tessa Ross, same.
She pulls the covers over her head and fixes it over Chewy’s, too. I fight a smile, the first smile I’ve felt inclined to in days, maybe months.
“Are you feeling all right?” Alex asks.
She inhales then barks out a cough. “Fine,” she croaks.
Little liar.
She tosses off the blanket and stands—yes, stands—on her bed, steps over Chewy, and heads out of the room.
Alex follows her.
I look to see Kendall’s bed is empty. Then I pull the covers off Chewy, and his tail starts thumping under the covers still over him. I scratch behind his ears as I scan the room. Pictures of her and Toby sit on her worn dresser, the one with different knobs on each drawer, unmatching but artfully so. Her homecoming crown wraps around the framed picture of them outside by the barn, before the dance I assume.
I adjust my tie, a new one for Tommy, but the same suit I wore at Toby’s wake.
Chewy slaps a paw on my knee, and I look at him, giving him a scratch. His tail rustles again.
“Both great men, yet here I sit.”
He tilts his head.
“She talk to you, too? I bet she does. I wish you could tell me what she says.”
He sighs.
I shake my head. “No?”
I look away from him and scan her nightstand. A Polaroid sits on it. I pick it up and regret it immediately. Fucking Benji.
I toss it back and stand, scan the room again, and my eyes land on a blue, lacey bra. One I remember. I bend over and pick it up then shove it in my pocket and glance back at Chewy, whose head has finally raised and his ears are perked up.
“Don’t judge. She’s erased me everywhere else. That little …” I shake my head because Tessa Ross’s tits could not be called little. “The not so little scraps of lace are definitely a memory. Never paid so much attention to a set without getting a piece of ass before in my life. She doesn’t get to have that memory, either.”
Downstairs in the kitchen, I watch her pour water from a tea kettle into a cup, add salt, raise it to her lips, blow on it, and then gargle and spit it in the sink. Then I see a bruise wrapped around her arm and am about to demand to tell me who put their motherfucking hands on her when it hits like a three hundred pound linebacker—I am likely that motherfucker.
“You don’t need to go,” I tell her as she gargles again.
Her back goes rigid and, again, I’m fucking hurting her. Maybe it’s me who doesn’t deserve to go. I certainly didn’t deserve Tommy.
She spits out the mouthful then walks past me to the bathroom.
Chewy barks, and she follows him out.
“I’ll take him.”
“You don’t need to take him,” she snarks.
“Point made,” I mumble as I head to the door, grabbing his ball off the counter.
Standing in the living room, I watch as she walks down, in a knee-length gray dress and black cardigan, hiding herself. Her hair is pulled up on the sides, and I want to tell her the truth, even though she’s getting too fucking skinny, that she looks beautiful.
I say nothing.
I walk to the kitchen where Alex has a cup of tea on the counter, dripping honey from a spoon into it, wondering why the fuck I agreed to pick them up. I should be home, fucked up or fucking someone, anyone, just to feel.
Alex dumps the cup of tea into a travel mug and screws on the top as Tessa walks out.
“You ready?” he asks, handing her the cup.
She nods. “Thanks, Alex.”
Pulling in, I see the Ross family and grab my sunglasses, because a hat doesn’t bode well in a church, nor does it match the suit.
Alex gets out first and heads to his family. Tessa and I step out at the same time.
“You sure you’re going to be able to do this?” I ask.
“I said I’m fine.” She shuts the door and starts toward the church then stops and turns to look at me. “I’m not letting this”—she motions between us—“get between this.” She points at the church. “You can’t be my friend, Lucas, but I am human, and my heart, it’s breaking for you. I know how much you love him, and he—”
Vison blurred, I hold up my hand. “Don’t.”
She nods once then turns to walk away.
Standing in the back of the church, Ryan standing a foot away, I watch as people fill the church and stare at a fucking box housing the body of the one person in this world who got me, the one person I never questioned his intentions, or doubted his loyalty and love for me.
I would have died for you, brother.
Jade slides in between Ryan and I. Tessa is behind her, holding her hand and sipping her tea.
“I don’t even know half these people.” Jade sniffs, and Tessa hands her a tissue over her shoulder.
“Every one of them knew him. None of them wouldn’t call him a friend.”
“Is it wrong that I want them to leave?”
“No,” Tessa, Ryan, and I all answer at the same time as she dabs at her eyes.
“How long did you stay last night?” Jade asks me, referring to the funeral home after the wake.
“Left briefly and went back.”
She takes my hand. “He knows you were there.”
I squeeze hers. “He’d have kicked my ass if you weren’t home resting for you and little Tommy.”
“I can do this part, but Lucas, how are we going to do the next?”
I swallow back bile and shake my head. “I don’t know how, Jade. I just know we have to.”
Tessa sings as we sit in the first row. His minister tells stories about Tommy from the time they moved here until just last week when he brought his special friend here.
His special friend, I knew that was me. They all thought I was a project to him. I knew better. I knew him better than anyone here.
What follows makes me want to climb into the box with him and off myself.
Friends tell stories about him, laughing while his girl, the mother of his child, sits, soaking tissue after tissue, and his best friend burns from the inside out.
Jade whispers to me, “Do I have to go up there and say—”
“No,” I cut her off. “He wouldn’t want you to do that. He wouldn’t want to bring you the hurt that going up there like a fucking show pony—”
“You said the F-word in church,” Jade scolds me.
I turn and look at her, showing how little I care. She almost smiles, almost, as she squeezes my hand.
Then she whispers, “He wouldn’t want you to, either. He loves you big.”
“He loves you bigger, Jade. Did from the moment he saw you.”
“And you.” She sniffs and dabs at her eyes. “You were his special friend.”
I see Ryan scrub a hand over his face. Then I look back at Jade, who is trying her darnedest not to smile. Tessa pinches the bridge of her nose, hiding her amusement behind her hand.
“You suck, Jade.” I mumble.
“Thank God she didn’t swallow,” Tessa deadpans as she puts her hand on Jade’s belly.
“Thank God, indeed.” Jade does smile now, albeit briefly.
The service is more of a celebration of Tommy, and I can’t take that away from anyone here. He should be celebrated. I’ll celebrate him when I can quell the grief, the pain, the emptiness that shows no sign of leaving anytime soon. When his child is here, I will use the power of a hundred men riding flying evil horses to bury i
t and, until my last breath, I will celebrate him with each.
Tessa sings “Like an angel,” a song his mother chose, and then “Amazing Grace.” She holds every note, with tears rolling down her beautiful face.
I can’t be her friend, I just can’t, but I can make sure she’s okay, no matter how pissed she gets.
Carrying the casket from the church to the hearse, I do so as straight and strong as I can. I even hold it together driving to the cemetery. But when they throw dirt on him, I feel rage. So much so that I almost step up to stop them. This occurs at the same time that Jade’s knees buckle, and Ryan and I hold her up as she sobs. The last words I said to him—his shell—was, “We got her.”
Back at the church, I tell Maggie how ill Tessa is and suggest she see a doctor.
“Thank you, Lucas. I’ll see to that.”
“Not trying to overstep, but—”
“She’s stubborn.” She nods, pulling her phone from her bag. “Going to call and see if I can’t do that now.”
I see Dad and Audrianna talking to Tessa. I didn’t even know they were coming.
Dad nods to me as I walk over. Audrianna is hugging Tessa and telling her, “You have an amazing voice.”
“Thank you.”
“How are you all holding up?”
“I’m worried about Lucas,” she says, not knowing I’m standing right there.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, Maggie.
“They can get her in now.”
“We are, too, Tessa, and we know what you have been through, and he feels—”
“Audri, you remember Mrs. Ross?” I interrupt before shit gets said that doesn’t need to be said.
“Of course I do.” She hugs Maggie. “How are you doing?”
As they chat, I take Tessa’s hand and walk her outside.
Standing by her mom’s car, she crosses her arms, hugging herself.
“Your mother is going to take you to the doctors.”
I watch her little fists ball. She wants to hit me. I wish she would.
She looks up, angry. “No, Lucas, I’m staying here. I need to be here for you and Jade.”
