by Mj Fields
I step back and look at myself, reminding myself that I’m not going to cry, that I’m going to have fun.
I look pretty in my light blue, just above the knee, dress. I had highlights put in my hair when I got it cut, and my makeup is natural, with a little more mascara and a nude tone gloss on my lips. I do this a lot—look in the mirror and try to find the one thing that wasn’t enough for Lucas, what he was missing, and each time that I allow myself on that little journey on insecurity lane, I find dozens of things.
“Ben said he’d come if you want him to, Tessa,” Alex says from behind me, and I look up to see him leaning against the doorjamb.
“No, I’m going to have fun tonight with you guys. I want him to be happy, and I have dragged him into enough.” I flatten a hand over my dress and smile. “Plus, we alumni are only obligated to stay an hour. A waste of time, but hey …” I shrug and turn around. “You ready?”
As soon as we walk in, Kendall darts to me, grabs mine and Jade’s hands, and nods to Phoebe, who follows us as we hit the dance floor.
When slow music begins, I leave the floor but never get too far when someone asks me to dance. The first three of them are last year’s juniors on the football team, and I don’t say no. I learn after the third one that that was a mistake. They all talk about Lucas and rattle off his stats to impress me, I suppose.
As the next slow song starts, I grab Kendall and whisper, “Give me some sort of signal if they play football. I’m only dancing with soccer players for the rest of the night.”
“Got it.” She nods. Then, for the rest of the night, she takes that job seriously.
Walking off the dance floor after telling another football player that I’m going to use the bathroom, I walk out into the hall and my eyes meet José’s.
Then arms surrounded me, a familiar scent, a touch, and the words wrapped in mint, assault my senses. “Tessa, you look beautiful.”
I step back, not looking at him, my chest tightening and oxygen becoming impossible to find. I step around him and hurry to the bathroom, where I remain, sitting on a closed lid in a stall, hugging my knees.
A second, a minute, and hour later, I see Jade’s shoes beneath the door.
“Tessa, they’re announcing king and queen. You need to come.”
I set my feet on the floor, stand, and open the door. “What is he doing here?”
“He was king last year, remember?” She holds out her hand.
I shake my head. “He had a game.”
“Flew back right after. Let’s go do this, Tessa, and then, if you want to leave, we can, okay?”
I stand on the stage, smile in place, holding the crushed velvet pillow with the crowns, as Lucas hops up on stage. The whole gym erupts in applause and cheers.
“All right, let’s do this.” Lucas laughs then turned toward me. “You ready, baby?”
Numbness setting in, I nod.
Once the task is done, I step down to Kendall, who is standing with Phoebe, waiting right by the stage for me. “You all right?”
I roll my eyes. “Of course.”
She smiles and nods. “Heads-up, that dick plays football.”
Chapter Fifty Three
In the library the other day, I researched how long a person could survive without oxygen. I learned that permanent brain damage begins at four minutes, and death can occur four to six minutes later.
Then I looked up and found out that, yes, people can die from a broken heart.
I’m not in good shape, not at fucking all.
Over the past couple weeks, I have also learned that my brain is fucked six ways to Sunday and doing a keg stand or two when you haven’t drank in a long ass time, or slept the past couple night more than an hour, does, in fact, mess with your ability to make good choices.
But I’m sure Robo blondie, tearing up the dance floor with her sister, Jade, friends, and some of the girls who she coaches, would not be good with me handing her a report on what I’ve learned, any more than she would be if I swore to her that it would never happen again. Done that to her already, but straight up, this time was different.
“A few of us are going to camp after this, if you guys want to come.”
I look around to see who he’s talking to. Gotta be Ryan, or even José. Sure as fuck isn’t me.
“Are you sure, Alex?” I ask.
“Yeah, she hates you but would hate me if I wasn’t your friend. I’m not sure what happened, and I don’t want to know; just let her get through whatever this is.”
“Phoebe didn’t tell you?”
“Nope. Tessa is pretty closed mouth about things. Phoebe is her friend, and they are both very loyal. But get this, Lucas, blood is thicker, so do not fuck with my sister again.”
Alex said fuck.
After changing into jeans and a hoodie, I stand by the fire, surrounded by people who I know are just tolerating me, or want to appear to be my friend because of who they know I will become.
I see Tessa hop out of the vehicle, driven by Pizza Boy, with Cassidy.
She’s smiling as she and Cassidy talk, walking toward the crowd. Then she sees me and freezes like a statue, like she’s on stage.
I nod and lift my bottle of water to my lips.
She looks away.
When I see her head to camp, I sneak away so that I can have just a fucking moment of her time.
When I walk into camp, I see her heading to the folding chairs, and she looks at me as I shut the door behind me.
“Tessa, sorry. I was coming to grab some chairs.” I shove my hands in my pockets as she looks me over.
She shakes her head and, like this is not a big deal, says, “That’s fine, Lucas. We’re going to have to deal with each other someday.”
“I miss you.”
She turns back sharply and snaps, “No, you don’t get to.”
“Tessa, baby—”
“Or that!” She snaps her eyes shut and starts talking, but it’s like she’s talking to herself. “This is not going to work. More time. That’s what you need.”
When she attempts to walk out, I grab her and hug her tightly, throat and eyes on fire. She clenches my sweatshirt in her hands and a fucking sob escapes her that cuts me to my core. I hold her close and run my hand through her hair, rub her back, and move us to the couch where I sit and pull her down with me so she’s curled up on my lap in a beautiful little ball.
I know the moment she falls asleep. I know by the way her heart slows, the little sweet smelling puffs of hot breath against my neck, the little mews, and I know these things because I pay attention, and I pay attention because she’s mine, and I know that because her kind of love doesn’t die; she gives it to me, she does this, she makes me love her so fucking munch that I have defined the odds, been without oxygen for close to twenty thousand minutes now.
I wake up when she jumps off my lap. And the look on her mascara-stained face isn’t what I was praying—yes, praying—for.
“Baby, don’t go. Please don’t go.” Tears are coming, and I can’t allow that.
“I have something in my bag for you. Wait here, please.”
I wait all of two seconds then take off after her.
I see her next to the pond and jog past the crowd to her.
She takes a deep breath then gives me a forced smile as she hands me a manila envelope.
I open it, hoping to find a fucking clue as to what this is going to take to fix.
I dump several little plastic baggies holding familiar boxes—the necklace I gave her with the field hockey sticks, the matching earrings, the bracelet, and the ring … the fucking ring.
I dump them all back in, seal the envelope, shake my head, and attempt to hand them back to her. “I don’t want this, Tessa. Those are yours. Don’t do this to me. I promise you I’ll be better.”
She steps back and says it sweetly, like she’s delivering sugar, but it’s tainted. It’s poisoned. “Lucas, we’re not going to ever … work. I deserve better than this. I sh
ouldn’t have to worry about what or who you may be doing.”
“I won’t accept that, and if you let me explain—”
“Please, Lucas, don’t.”
“No, Tessa, no!” I yell, and she jumps. “Look at me, Tessa. I love you. After a year, I love you even more every day! I never stopped, and I never will.” I try to give her back the envelope, and she again steps back and crosses her arms. “Why? Why didn’t you come in my room that night, huh?” Tears start falling down my face, and I don’t give a fuck. I demand again, “Why? If it were one of your friends, you would’ve stopped them, but you just couldn’t wait for me to fuck up!” I grab her arm and shake her. “Answer me, Tessa.”
Her face is unreadable, but her body … it starts to shake.
“I was asleep. You and I had been at it for three days. Three perfect days. I certainly didn’t need that. Are you listening to me, Tessa?” I grab the back of her head and hold it tightly. “Fuck!”
Her eyes change as she finally gives them to me. “You don’t get it, Lucas. I saw your face! I saw you enjoying it. I saw you grabbing her hair, Lucas!” She slaps my hand from hers. “You expected me to stop you? Seriously? I’m not stupid, so stop talking to me like I am!”
“Fine, Tessa. You don’t want this? Fine!” I wad up the envelope and throw it right in the fucking pond. “I don’t fucking want it, either!”
I step back from her, the girl who lied when she said she loved me. The one who I begged not to let me fuck this up, the one who won’t listen to me, and I yell, “José, would you please get me the fuck out of here?” I’m fucking losing it. I feel it. The control is fucking gone.
I grab her shoulders and shake her, hoping to get her eyes, ones that look at me, see me, the me who she loves. “I’m sorry I fucked up. This isn’t over! I’m not going to just stop loving you! When you can forgive me, call me, because I can’t even talk to you. You fucking ditched the phone I gave you so I can’t even stay in contact.”
A tear falls from her eyes, and I step back, looking around and seeing every-fucking-one looking at us. “I hope you enjoyed the fucking show!” I yell at them then head to my vehicle.
I hear José ask, “Tessa, you okay?” and want to turn and tell him she’s not, and she won’t let me fix it, but my face starts to get wet.
I look up. There is no rain.
I slide into the passenger side and beat the fuck out of my dashboard. Then I chuck my hat, pull up my hood up, and bury my face in it, because these fucking tears … they just won’t stop.
José gets in, starts the vehicle, and lights shine on all of them, all the people who knew I would fuck up and fail.
Once turned around and heading up the dirt road, I steal a chance in the side mirror and watch as Tessa falls to her knees, curls into herself, and sobs.
“Turn around, José.”
“Nah, man.”
“This is not over.”
“Not guessing it is, but it is for tonight.”
Books by MJ Fields
MJ Fields
THE LEGACY SERIES FAMILY OF BOOKS
(Recommended reading order)
The Blue Valley series
Blue Love
New Love
Sad Love- November 25th
True Love- December 9th
Coming in 2022
Wrapped In Silk
Wrapped In Armor
Wrapped In Us
Stained
Forged
Merged
Love You Anyways
THE STEEL WORLDS
(Recommended reading order)
The Men of Steel Series
Jase
Cyrus
Zandor
Xavier
Forever Family
Raising Steel
Or get the
Men Of Steel complete box set
The Ties of Steel Series
Abe
Dominic
Eroe
Sabato
Or get the
Ties of Steel complete box set
The Rockers of Steel Series
Memphis Black
Finn Beckett
River James
Billy Jeffers
or get the
Rockers of Steel complete box set
The Match Duet
Match This!
ImPerfectly Matched!
or get the
complete duet
The Steel Country Series
Hammered
Destroyed
Wasted
or get the
Steel Country complete box set
Tied in Steel series
Valentina
Paige
Gia
or get the
Tied in Steel complete box set
Steel Crew
(Generation 2)
Tagged Steel
Branded Steel
Laced Steel
Justified Steel
Tricked Steel
Busted Steel
Smashed Steel
Marked Steel
Maxed Steel
The Norfolk Series
Irons
Shadows
Titan
Timeless Love series
Unraveled
Deserving Me
Hearts So Big
Couture Love
The Caldwell Brothers Series
(co-written w/ Chelsea Camaron)
Hendrix
Morrison
Jagger
Visibly Broken
Use Me
Holiday Springs
(co-written w/ Jessica Ruben)
The Broody Brit: For Christmas
The Irresistible Irishman: For St. Patrick’s Day
Standalones
Offensive Rebound
About the Author
MJ Fields is a USA Today bestselling author of contemporary and new adult romance novels. She lives in New York with her daughter and smoochie faced Newfie, Theo.
When she's not locked away in the cave, she enjoys spending time with her family, listening to live music, watching theatre, singing off key, dancing to her own beat, listening to audio books, and reading— of course.
Forever Steel!
Join MJ’s mailing list:
https://mjfieldsbooks.com/newsletter
Thank you
I swear I write a thank you every time, but all holds true from the Blue Love onto New Love, so here we go again…
<3
Cover designer, Amy at Q Designs
Editor, Kris at C&D Editing
Proofer, Asli Arif Fratarcangeli
Beta boss, and new member of the team, Brittni.
Sister from another mister, and legacy series historian, Jamie.
My little ball of Florida sunshine, Geissa.
My merch queen and forever friend, Diane.
My Street Crew, sounding board, book lovers, and friends.
Keep of the Crazyville Zoo, friend, my almost daily call, right hand, online shopping bud, prep buddy, cheerleader, and PR wizard, Autumn
To my reader group; we’ll have yet another virtual box of tissues—or truck load of them—and lengthy FB live chats over this book too.
To Miss A, love you more <3
You all are the amazing, and I am blessed to have you all in my life.
So much love.
Thank you to those who
LOVE this series and allowed me to rewrite it with… umm … minimal … -ish … stress and threats.
Love You Anyway,
MJ
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