My family didn’t watch soccer and I didn’t know any of the rules, but I spotted Cash running in the middle of the field, mostly along the edges. I remembered him telling me at the summer party that he was a midfielder or something like that. I wasn’t sure what it meant, and I hadn’t really followed his explanation then. Now, though, I wanted to know. I wanted to know what his job was on the team. What they trusted him with, relied on him to do.
One thing I knew for certain—I’d never seen anyone as graceful as Cash on the field. He moved swiftly, smoothly, past his opponents. He made it look like more than a game—like it was an art. I could suddenly see why he loved it. Why anyone might love sports. To me, it had always been just a game, but to people like Cash—like my dad and Randy, even—it was a life, an art, a passion.
The buzzer sounded just as Adam kicked the ball past the other team’s goalie. Hamilton won, and everyone clapped and cheered. Slowly, the audience began to disperse, leaving the stands in packs, chattering and comparing their favorite moments of the game. Everyone seemed to be gushing about Adam or Kyle, the goalie. But I’d barely noticed either. Cash was the only one I saw on the field. The only one who mattered.
I stayed in the bleachers, nervously rapping my knuckles against the aluminum bench while the rest of the fans headed back to the parking lot and the teams shook hands on the field. Then the Hamilton players gathered at the bench, high-fiving and discussing the game with Coach Lukavics. When they’d finished, the boys all headed back toward the changing rooms.
All but one.
Cash’s eyes met mine and, after a long pause, he started walking up the bleachers toward me. My heart pounded as he got closer. He looked amazing in his uniform—more amazing than usual, I mean—but I tried not to think about that.
“Nice game,” I said.
“Thanks,” he replied as he reached my place in the middle of the stands. He sat down, leaving a few feet of space between us. “I never expected to see you here.”
“Yeah,” I said, my knuckles tapping faster. “Can we talk?”
“Sure—but, um, would you rather I go shower and change first?”
I shook my head. “No, let’s just… I want to get this over with.”
He frowned but nodded. “All right. What’s going on?”
I took a deep breath and stared out at the empty green soccer field, keeping my eyes as far away from Cash as possible. I couldn’t control how I felt about him. I couldn’t fight it off or force it away. Every time he came near me, I melted, and hating myself for it wasn’t going to do me any good. I knew I’d never move on if I didn’t ask the one question that had been haunting me for months.
“How come you never called me? After that party over the summer, I mean. You kissed me, and I thought… We’ve avoided the subject ever since, I know, and it was probably for the best, but I have to know, Cash. Why didn’t you call me?”
There was a long, heavy silence, and I wanted so badly to look at Cash, but I wouldn’t let myself. I didn’t want to see the shame on his face. The embarrassment he felt over kissing me multiple times. The awkwardness of telling me that I just wasn’t special enough. I closed my eyes and bit my lip, waiting.
When he finally spoke, Cash sounded surprised. “I didn’t think you wanted me to.”
I turned my head to look at him then, not sure I believed what I was hearing. He was staring at me with the most intense expression in his green eyes, so genuine and sincere, there was no way I could doubt him.
“Lissa, I—” He paused, let out a breath, and laid a hand over mine to keep me from tapping my already aching fingers. “Wow, I’m an idiot. That night—Lissa, it meant a lot to me. I really liked you. I, um, had for a while, actually.”
I blinked at him. “What?”
“I’d seen you hanging out with Ellen back when she and Adam first got together.” He was the one avoiding my eyes now, his cheeks turning just a tinge red. “I thought… I thought you were beautiful. I was going to ask her to help me out, maybe set us up or something, but then you two stopped talking, and I found out you were with Randy….”
My head was spinning. I couldn’t actually be hearing this. Cash Sterling—Mr. Unattainable, the boy every girl wanted but no one could have—thought I was beautiful. This had to be a dream—a good dream, but still, a dream.
Cash looked at me then, and I knew I wasn’t imagining any of this. It was real. He was real. Everything he was saying was real.
And I was shaking.
“So that night this summer, at the party, I was so happy to be talking to you. Getting to know you the way I’d wanted to. I liked you even more, so when I kissed you… Lissa, I meant it. Then you kissed me back….”
“Then why—” My voice cracked, and I had to clear my throat. “Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you try to see me again?”
“I guess I thought it was too much to hope for that you felt the same way,” Cash admitted. “You kissed me back, but I thought—You’d just broken up with Randy, and the whole rivalry between the teams…”
He let the sentence trail off, and it took me a minute to understand what he was telling me. But when it hit me, I couldn’t help but laugh. Despite everything.
“You thought I was using you?” I said. “Like, to get back at Randy?”
He blushed. “Yeah, I did. And then you two got back together a few weeks later, so I was sure that’s what it had been about. But I didn’t want to make you feel bad about it or weird around me, so I just didn’t say anything. I did egg Randy’s car, though.”
“Wait, back at the end of August? On Lyndway Hill? That was you?”
Cash nodded, looking ashamed. “Yeah. That wasn’t the only time, either. I know it was stupid, but I just… God, I hated the thought of you two together. Not just because you weren’t with me but because Randy is such a jackass. I knew he didn’t deserve you.”
“Cash, I—I thought you just didn’t like me,” I told him. “I thought… Well, you said at the lunch table that day that you’d only consider dating a girl if she was really special. You looked right at me when you said it, so I thought that was a hint. That I just wasn’t enough or something.”
He shook his head. “It was a hint, but in the, um, opposite direction. You’d broken up with Randy again, and I was trying to tell you how I felt.” He blushed again. “I’m an idiot. Lissa, I’m sorry.”
I was grinning from ear to ear, but I looked at my lap, still embarrassed. Cash liked me. He had all along. We’d just been too foolish to confront each other about it. If he’d spoken up—if I’d spoken up—things could have been so different. We could have been together. This whole drama never would have had to happen.
Except, maybe it would have. Because even if I hadn’t gone back to Randy, the rivalry would have raged on, and even now, I was proud of myself for standing up against it. Against the hazing and the insanity of fighting a war that has no purpose.
A war that has no purpose…
“Cash,” I said slowly, remembering the whole reason I needed to talk to him. “Why did you take over the boys’ side? Why’d you go up against me?”
He grinned. “I was actually trying to help you out. When I offered to organize an attack against the strike, it kind of brought all the guys—from both teams—together. It was hard, but we started working together as a group. The strike was a great idea, Lissa. If there’s one thing that’ll bring a bunch of guys together, it’s girls.”
I laughed.
“I had another reason, too,” he admitted, squeezing my hand. I wrapped my fingers around his, listening intently. “I also did it to get your attention.”
“What?”
He shrugged. “You kept avoiding me. I gave you that copy of Lysistrata hoping it would give us something to talk about, but every time we’d start to connect, you’d pull away. You were still dating Randy then, so I didn’t push it, but after Homecoming I couldn’t fight it anymore. I wanted to talk to you. To be around you. And you were so
invested in this strike that I thought the only way I’d get you to stop avoiding me was to lead the boys’ side.”
“So you were making me crazy on purpose? How is that any different than what I did to you—trying to…” I hesitated, embarrassed. “To seduce you.”
“I wasn’t trying to drive you crazy, just to get your attention,” he said. “Lissa, I never tried to use you. Everything that happened between us—I meant it. Including that kiss in the library. I tried to tell you the other day at my house. That this”—he held up our entwined hands—“is more than just a game to me. But…”
“But I wouldn’t listen.”
“Yeah. Not that I blame you. This whole thing has been so complicated.” He shook his head. “Obviously, I’m not good at this whole dating thing. I have very little experience.”
“It’s okay,” I told him. “I do have experience, and I’ve messed this up just as much as—if not more than—you have.” We smiled shyly at each other, our fingers still laced. “At least now I know. And it isn’t too late.”
“It’s never too late.”
I leaned in then, ready to kiss him, to be with him, to start over from scratch and fix all the mistakes I’d made. But just before my lips met his, Cash put a hand on my shoulder and eased me away.
“Can we… Can we put this moment on pause?” he asked, though it looked like it was costing him an effort. “Let me go shower and change, and then we can get out of here. Will you wait for me?”
“Ye—No.” I stood up, shaking my head.
Cash’s eyes went wide. “No? Is something wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I told him. “No, everything’s perfect. But I know that if we get out of here, the chances of me being able to control myself are slim.” The way Cash grinned when I said this made my cheeks burn. “I’m still under oath,” I reminded him. “And I won’t let this strike be for nothing. The rivalry needs to come to an official end first.”
He nodded and got to his feet. “Okay,” he said. “You’re right. So how do we make that happen?”
chapter thirty-two
Over fall break, an e-mail was sent out to every football and soccer player at Hamilton High, as well as to their girlfriends. The message instructed them all to sneak onto school property on the Sunday evening before school started up again—the second Sunday in October. They were told to meet on the grass between the football and soccer fields just after sunset, and to park their cars on the gravel back roads that snaked along the edge of the woods about half a mile from the school.
Cash helped me write the e-mail. He’d actually come up with the idea to meet between the fields. Sort of a safe ground for everyone.
Around five thirty Sunday evening, I headed downstairs to wait for my ride. The living room was full of boxes that Logan had filled with his belongings. I kept pushing them off to the side, worried they’d get in Dad’s way when he tried to navigate his chair through the living room. My brother—sometimes he just didn’t think about these things.
“Hey, sis, wanna give me a hand?” Logan asked when I reached the bottom step. He was carrying a giant box labeled TROPHIES and nodding toward the front door.
“Why isn’t your girlfriend here to help you move?” I asked, hurrying over to open the door for him.
“She’s working her last shift at the library,” Logan said, carrying the box out to his truck. “She’ll be over in the morning so we can take this first load up to the new apartment.”
Cash and I had worked our final shift under Jenna’s dictatorship on Thursday. She’d acted the same as usual, bossing us around, telling us how to do our painfully simple jobs like we were idiots, right up until we were locking up.
“You know,” she’d said to me as she shut down the computer at the front desk, “you’re going to have to take on more shifts now that I’m leaving.”
“Why?” I’d asked.
“Because you’re the only other person who loves this place enough,” she’d said, smiling at me. It was the first time Jenna had smiled at me like that. Like I was more than just a zit she couldn’t get rid of. “If you were able to put up with me, you must really love this place just as much as I do.” She looked over at the bookshelves, piled high with novels and memoirs and biographies. So many words and stories and facts. I looked, too.
“I do love it,” I told her.
“Good.” She’d stepped away from the computer, hands moving to her hips, returning to normal Jenna mode. “Because you’re the only person I trust to take care of this place. Without me, it might fall apart… unless you can keep it in order.” She hesitated. “I told Mrs. Coles that she should give you more hours. She trusts my judgment, so if you need a few more bucks…”
“I’ll think about it,” I said, stunned that she’d actually recommended me to the head librarian. Stunned, really, that she thought I was capable of doing as good a job as she did.
Because as much as Jenna drove me crazy, the truth was, she really had kept Hamilton Public Library running smoothly. The place would have been a wreck without her.
And now that she was leaving, she trusted me.
I still wasn’t her biggest fan by any means. I wasn’t happy that she was taking my brother away from me, that Logan was jumping into this relationship so soon. But she really did make him happy, so I’d decided to keep my mouth shut and accept it. Just the same way he and Dad would have to accept Cash, in spite of the rivalry between his soccer team and the football team they loved so much.
Though I hoped that rivalry was about to come to an official end. In about half an hour, actually.
“Are you and Dad going out tonight?” I asked Logan as he shoved the box of trophies into the back of his truck.
“I think so,” he said. “He wants to go to a sports bar in Oak Hill. Watch a game together and have some fun before I leave. Why?”
“Just wondering,” I said. “But… Okay, he doesn’t have to have a salad. He can eat fried food if he wants. But tell him just one beer. I mean it.”
“Yes, Mom.”
We looked at each other for a second, and then we both cracked up. I did sound just like her. My mother had been just as bossy as I was, just as protective. I told myself that she’d be proud of Logan, though. That she’d want him to go. And even though it was scary, letting him get so far away from me, where I couldn’t always know he was safe, I knew I had to do it.
Just then, Chloe’s convertible pulled into my driveway. “Lissa!” she called. It was a little chilly, but she still had the top down. I could see Kelsey and Ellen sitting in the backseat, bundled in sweatshirts. “Come on. Let’s do this.”
“Have fun,” Logan said, reaching over and ruffling my hair. He had no idea where I was going, that I was about to put an end to a rivalry he’d seen the beginning of. I thought about telling him, but honestly, I didn’t think he’d care anymore. That was his past. He loved the game, he’d been a part of the rivalry, but now he was an adult. He’d moved on, and the rest of the boys, this generation, were about to as well.
“Be careful tonight,” I said, exercising my last few hours of control over him. “Don’t get too drunk. You don’t want to have a hangover when you’re moving in tomorrow. Call me if you need anything, and take care of Dad.”
“Relax,” Logan told me. “We’re big boys. We’ll be fine. Now go hang out with your friends.” He shoved my shoulder. “Don’t keep them waiting.”
I nodded and waved to him before hurrying to Chloe’s convertible, hopping over the edge and into the front passenger’s seat.
“Ready to go?” Chloe asked, adjusting her sunglasses. We’d be driving right into the setting sun on our way to the high school.
“Yep.”
“Cool.”
“I’m freezing back here,” Kelsey whined.
“You’ll live.”
“Why in God’s name is your top still down?”
“Hey, you’re the one who decided to carpool,” Chloe said, glancing over her sho
ulder as she backed out of my driveway. “No complaining, or you can walk.”
Kelsey stuck out her tongue.
Chloe laughed and faced forward again, lighting a cigarette with one hand as she drove.
It was almost like they were becoming friends or something. While totally creepy, it was also pretty cute.
“Are you excited for all this to be over?” Ellen asked, leaning forward so that her head was between my and Chloe’s seats. “Are you proud of yourself?”
I smiled. “A little.”
“You should be,” she said, leaning back again. “And you should also be excited about your date with Cash tonight. Where are you two going?”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “When he called me, he said he wanted it to be a surprise.”
Cash and I hadn’t seen each other much over fall break. We’d called and texted almost every day, and of course there was work, but I wanted to hold off our real reunion until after tonight. After the rivalry was really and truly over and we could start fresh. That way I could relax and not worry so much about the rest of the world—the oath, the battle we’d had going on. Nothing. It would just be Cash and me.
Just thinking about it made me smile. I couldn’t wait to see him, to kiss him with no guilt or worry. I’d been daydreaming about it like crazy.
Chloe parked her car on the side of one of the gravel roads behind the school and the four of us walked up to the fields. A group was already waiting there, a mix of boys and girls, standing around talking until they saw us coming.
“Hi, Lissa!” Mary called, waving excitedly. She was standing by Finn, gripping his giant hand with her thin, delicate fingers. The smile she was wearing—that they were both wearing—made my heart sing.
Though I could never get the image of Finn singing ’NSync out of my head. That was burned into my brain for life.
“Hi,” I said, waving back.
The crowd began growing then, as more and more people started walking up the hill toward us. I couldn’t help grinning when I saw Cash approaching. He was walking with Adam and Shane.
Behind them, off in the distance, I also spotted Randy. It still hurt to see him, to remember the way he’d broken my trust, but not as much as it had a couple weeks ago. And that hurt wasn’t nearly enough to dim my excitement and pride tonight.
Shut Out Page 20
