and make me believe the solution
is in this capsule
as if all of these years i’ve spent
living
thinking
and feeling
could be fixed that easily
- Zoloft
as if talking aloud to someone
who tells me everything i tell myself
when i have a clear spot in my brain
will make the clutter
in my brain
just magically clean itself up
i doubted it
but i went anyway
i sat across from a woman who seemed so pleasant
and eager to help
i kept going because i guess that’s what i was
supposed to be doing
but
what exactly is she
supposed to be doing?
what are these pills
SUPPOSED to be doing?
because whenever i have idle time
i’m reminding myself that i don’t have nine lives
and if i try again i might actually strike out.
i might actually end up tearstained
makeup smothered
on a cold corpse that no longer looks anything like me
because
dying seemed to be the only thing that made sense to me
however
i went again anyway.
she looked at me
with love in her heart
pain in her voice
and defeat in her eyes
and in that moment
i knew
i wouldn’t be going back
- therapy sessions
to wake up every day
telling myself i feel like living today
as if it were that easy
as if i didn’t fight this hard for today
yesterday.
as if i didn’t break every bone in my body
bending and molding
to fit inside places
i probably shouldn’t have been in.
haven’t we all
had our last straw?
questions to a higher power
trying to figure out what went wrong
i know you know what it feels like to not be able
to breathe
to speak
to feel
i know what hands clenched to the chest
from crying all night feels like
and i think you do too
- normal
a lot of people
think
it’s a choice
to be dark
as if sadness were a gift
as if feeling empty
made us whole.
sometimes
we just want someone
to be still.
to understand our stories
to find us in the dark
and choose
to love us out of it.
there is
love
out here for me.
everything BLACK
there is
n o t h i n g
more powerful than us
black kings and queens
we
are the only ones acting like there is
to see
people
develop so much love
to be everything like us
but
the color of our skins
- the power of melanin gods
there are people out here
who would rather see you
hurt
struggling
and suffering
leave them where they are
and say
nothing.
we
are worth much more
than t-shirts
headlines
street names
and
#hashtags
i need more people
who look like me
to make it!
no
i didn’t have to stand around
and watch someone i love
dangle from a tree
to know there are people out here
that still think
we
are disposable
i
won’t ever apologize
to the people who don’t know my struggle
they will never endure my pain.
they do not understand my journey
but they will always be able to hear about it
as long as
i am
able to write about it.
as if killing us off isn’t killing us internally
as if
walking around trying to make it back home
isn’t a mission
as if coming outside
wanting
to go outside
isn’t a mission.
and they thought
letting you out
meant you had justice
as if
that ever
gave you peace
- Kalief Browder
we
have the right to remain silent
but God forbid we speak.
i just want to live in a world
that i’m not afraid
to be alive in.
there isn’t anything redeemable
about hate
but
how powerful we must be
to have it remain infinite for us.
be brave
be bold
and
remain beautiful
no matter how bad you feel
our time isn’t coming
it’s already here.
save yourself
there is
nothing more complicated
than not knowing what you want
and
accepting everything else
that just doesn’t seem worth it
- meantime
you
are not here to be
everything
for someone else
and
nothing
for self.
blessings mean more to some
than praying does
either way
i’m thankful
- priorities
we’ve been given
the tools
the spells
and the power
to create everything
we want
you
are not this strong
to be weak
for someone else.
here is so much beauty
in growth
change
and
practice.
- pursuit
it will not happen overnight
it may take days
months
or even years
but in the end
i promise it’ll be worth it.
my journey
was sought out
planted
and fertilized
for this growth.
don’t spend all of your time and energy
giving someone else your life
share yourself in portions
enough to have some for them
enough to still hold on to you.
the thing about art
about magic
is that some people will get it
it’ll move them in ways they could never even imagine
and for some
they won’t understand
they’ll have more reasons than a few
to make it seem as though
this
as though you
aren’t as beautiful
and powerful
as though you
aren’t as realistic as they would want you to be
and you
have to know
that you don’t require an explanation.
understand that being strong is beautiful but
so is vulnerability.
soon you will be trying to find anything
to break the fall you feel
while
staring at your reflection in the mirror
knowing
love
never
felt this real
- love yours
create your own meaning
understand what feels good to you
recognize
what doesn’t
don’t give in
this
is not it.
love
is not meant to be
this exhausting.
you
have to stop customizing yourself
to fit someone who doesn’t even deserve
you.
choose
yourself
your faith
your intuition
every.
single.
time.
- never give up
i was never looking for the light
at the end of the tunnel
i didn’t go into the belly of the beast
thinking it would be something pretty left over for me to grasp
i knew inside there was a jungle
i knew i had to
be hungry enough
strong enough
and passionate enough
to survive
we are created in the darkness and
forced into the light
- new life
remind yourself
to be more specific when you pray
you
cannot ask to be used by the universal God
and be mad
when you’re tested
nobody
will ever be what you need
if you
are still learning
what that is
- acceptance
we are staying in unsafe places
on purpose
and blaming other people for breaking our hearts.
stop saying
i’m fine
when you’re not
it’s ok
to say nothing
when
n o t h i n g
is how you feel.
you
are allowed to detour
as many times as you want
as long as you find your way back
to self.
you are the only one
not putting yourself first
you owe it to yourself
to be by yourself
to love
and value yourself
to understand that you need time
time to know what you will
and will not tolerate.
if it still
triggers you
you may still have some work to do.
silence is important
being still is important
taking the control back over your mind
over your body
over your energy
is important.
pay them no mind when they say
you aren’t good enough.
only a fool can hold
a diamond with their bare hands
and not be amazed.
when you know
all you bring
to the table
never be afraid
to choose your seat.
be so full of
love
trust
positivity
respect
magic
life
and honor
for self.
that you just naturally ward off anything less.
i am.
chanting and drilling
beautiful words
into my mind.
into my heart.
into my soul.
because
if i am not telling myself that
i am
i’m allowing myself to say
that i am not.
speak everything
you want
into your life.
you
are worth
everything beautiful you thought you weren’t
and growing out of all the things
or people
that made you feel that way in the first place.
never forget
to pick up the pieces
no matter how old
or useless they may seem
they will still create
a masterpiece.
- to all the broken hearts
you
have to be the light for yourself
even when nobody else can see it.
sometimes
the only thing left to do
is let go
and trust
yourself
enough to be happy.
don’t wait another minute
to do something that makes your soul sing.
this
is not only in my words
but my actions
this
is in the way that i speak
and the way that i address
e v e r y t h i n g
this is waking up every day in my purpose
and
sharing it
with you.
someone’s definition of a disaster will create amazing poetry.
w r i t e t h r o u g h i t.
i didn’t always believe myself when i told myself
i
love you
it’s something that i’m no longer ashamed of
everyone was always telling me how to love
telling me i’d be incapable of giving
or
receiving it
until i loved myself so deeply it glowed brighter than the moon
but i am standing here unashamed
to let you know i’ve had my share of doubt
i’d look in the mirror and see right through myself
i cut lines upon my legs so precise
to the point that i knew exactly where my jeans would stop.
i wasn’t really trying to go
i didn’t really want to die.
i wanted so badly to shake this thing they called “the black dog”
all the while asking myself
why everything
negative
depressing
and downright wrong had to be black?
however
looking at my reflection . . .
actually seeing how beautifully brown and black i was
i didn’t have
to know the face of love to glow
because i did a damn good job at exuding it.
i had to tell myself that a dog is one of the most
loyal
caring
forgiving
loving
and nurturing animals ever!
it made me realize why my heart was so big.
why i would literally go naked just so someone would have clothes
hungry so that someone else would have food
and i’d be damned if i didn’t go broke ensuring that someone else didn’t go without help.
so if that makes me “the black dog” so be it!
i don’t need anyone to tell me about love.
because on this journey i discovered
that life is challenging and scary
it can get hard, cloudy, and lonely.
however, i love myself enough to know that i am stronger today
than i ever was before.
becoming.
i believe in every single thing you stand for.
i believe in your spirit
i believe in your strength
i believe in your journey
and i believe that whatever you put forth the effort to achieve
you will do!
i love you on purpose
and don’t you ever forget that.
every day
for the rest of your lives
becoming. Page 2
