by T J Kelly
Hundreds of innocent lives lost because of me.
I didn’t realize I was screaming until Armageddon and Peony appeared by my side. Peter arrived only a split second later. The three of them were there to protect me, searching for an enemy, trying to find out why I was on my knees in the middle of a field, unable to stop, even when my voice broke. I had done the one thing I was never supposed to do. I had lost myself to the darkness. And only death answered that call.
“Lia, Lia, what’s going on? Are you okay? Where are they?” Peony clasped my arm, shaking it, trying to get my attention. She wanted to know where my enemies were, why the alarms hadn’t been set off, why I was on the ground. She wanted to know if I was hurt.
I managed to stop screaming in horror and turned to yell at her instead. Even though I had come back to myself, black spots still clouded my vision “I killed them! They’re all gone because I wanted it to be quiet!” And I started crying, deep, agonizing, heaving sobs, every fiber of my being straining against reality, wishing I could take it back.
But I couldn’t.
I was confusing them. Peter knew me better than anyone else. He was the one who finally figured it out.
“The birds are gone,” Peter said after studying the trees. “I remember how loud they were when we went for a walk yesterday. I couldn’t hear her until we moved away from them. They’re all gone.”
Peony gasped, realizing what he was saying. Their property shared a border with the state park and bird sanctuary. There were always a lot of birds around. My aunt watched them out of her windows. She named the ones that came back every year.
I was still on my knees, head down, crying. It was a nightmare. I was a nightmare. I was a killer. How could I do that to innocent creatures? What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I fight the darkness inside of me? That was my job. That was the one thing Rectors were good at. That was what made us who we were.
“Can you follow the spell?” Peony asked my uncle.
Armageddon answered her loudly enough for me to hear over the sound of my own crying. “I can’t find them. They didn’t go to a physical location. They’re just gone.”
“No!” I yelled. I stood up. “There has to be a way to bring them back.”
Thinking about those birds, I gathered the magic inside of me together and strained to reach where they had gone. Just like before, I felt nothing. I built up more magic and reached into the Dark again. And again. And again.
“Lia, you must stop what you’re doing, you can’t bring them back!” I realized my uncle was yelling at me, that he had been yelling at me for a long time without my hearing him. “You’re going to burn yourself out. Lia, you need to stop!”
But I had to try. If I could picture it, it was supposed to happen. I could do anything I imagined. I called on every element. I called on the Dark. I called on the Light. I pictured the birds flying in the sky, nesting in the trees, heard them crying out that it was spring.
I reached into the darkness again, searching for them, finding only emptiness and shame.
My shame. My darkness.
Peter grabbed my shoulders and begged me to stop, but I pushed him aside, using the tricks Mort taught me. Peter fell. I cried out in horror, realizing I had hurt him. I had hurt my friend. And I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t control any of it.
Peony called my name, and I looked at her. Stepped towards her. I was shaking, crying, screaming, reaching for her. Then my uncle was there, standing in front of me, blocking me. I think he was protecting Peony from me, afraid I would hurt her.
And that was what broke me. I was the evil one. I was the one he had to stop. Armageddon, the Final Battle. The man who came to me when I thought all was lost, who took me in, who protected me. The one who loved me.
But I was a monster. I needed to be stopped.
The ground rushed towards me as my knees collapsed. My uncle reached out and caught me. He said, “It’s okay, Lia. We love you.” He waved his hand, and it was over.
When it came for me, the darkness was peaceful, and silent, and sent by Armageddon.
SIXTEEN
I Need My Father
Rectors fought the dark. That, I had always known. But now that it was my turn, I had no idea how. I needed help. I needed to ask somebody who knew how to do it.
I needed my father.
I was in my bed when I finally awoke from the sleep Armageddon had placed on me. My body was heavy with sadness as I stared blindly out the windows. Somebody was in the room, sitting in a chair near the foot of my bed, watching over me. I didn’t turn to see who. I simply stared out the window, trying not to think.
“I would ask you how you’re feeling, but I already have a pretty good idea,” Chas murmured.
I was afraid that if I opened my mouth to respond to him, I’d start crying again. Maybe have another meltdown. Hurt him, too. So I just looked at him, drinking in the aura of love that surrounded him. I think I might have given him a watery smile. I know I felt like it, but I was so numb I couldn’t tell if my face responded.
“Don’t look at me like that. You’ll break my heart.” Chas said as he crossed the room to sit on the edge of my bed.
My body rolled towards his weight until I was touching him. It felt good, too. Warmth radiated off of his body. There was a rightness to it like I was made to be lying there, curled up against his leg.
I still didn’t say anything.
Chas rested his hand on my head. “You’re all right, Lia. What happened was an accident. You’re so new to your magic. Nobody blames you.”
“I do,” I said. My voice was hoarse and shaky. “It’s all my fault. I went crazy. I was stupid. I killed all those birds. The hatchlings. Their parents. Every one of them. What kind of monster does something like that? What does it say about me that the first time I get mad, my instinct is to kill?” At least this time, the tears leaked out slowly instead of overwhelming me.
Chas pulled me into a sitting position and held me against his side. “It isn’t your instinct to kill, Lia. You didn’t want them dead, did you? Let me guess. They were loud, and you just wanted them to shut up and go away.”
I nodded, my head bumping into his chin. He shifted me a little so that I leaned against his shoulder.
“Yes. I wanted them to go away, and they did. Forever.” My eyes kept leaking. Chas handed me a tissue from the box on my nightstand.
“But you didn’t want to kill them. That’s the important part. You’re not a monster. You’re a seventeen-year-old girl who just got her magic. The way it operates is different from anyone else. Nobody understands it yet, not even you. You’re going to make mistakes, but how you respond to them is what matters. And I’m betting something like this will never happen again. You’re too good a person for that.”
I sighed. “I’m a Rector. I’m supposed to be able to control the Dark, not let it loose the second I get annoyed.”
“Okay, then let’s work on that. But do you think the rest of us haven’t made mistakes? Because we have. Every one of us has. That’s why we work so hard all the time, even now, to control the magic inside of us. Especially our dark sides. And if I know one thing, it’s having a dark side in need of control.”
That was true. Chas was the one who would understand me the best. He ascended with a heavy burden of dark magic inside of him, yet managed to control it.
“I don’t think I can ever forgive myself.” That’s when my eyes stopped leaking, and I began to cry in earnest. I felt so awful. I wasn’t sure if I could ever feel better.
“Then don’t. Not yet anyway. Use it. Build on it. Remember how you feel right now, and then never let it happen again. You can’t bring them back, but their sacrifices won’t be in vain if you use this experience to keep something worse from happening. When I first tapped into my magic, it took me forever to figure out how to use my voice without casting spells. I shattered glass every time I opened my mouth to say hi.”
Chas made sense, but I wasn’t quite
ready to let it all go. I continued to cry for a long time before my sobs finally gentled. All the while, Chas sat patiently waiting for me. What a gentleman.
I cleared my throat. “Okay. I’m done. You’re a saint to sit there and put up with me, but I’m sick and tired of myself. I’m sorry for being such a baby.” I tried to shake off how I felt as I pushed away from Chas to stand. “I’m glad you’re back. If I had known all I needed to do was attack innocent animals, I would’ve considered doing it a lot sooner. I missed you.”
Chas let out a startled laugh. When I felt bad, my fall back was to make inappropriate jokes. It helped me deal.
“Right,” Chas said. “I’ll keep that in mind the next time Ged sends me out on assignment. Warn him to let me off more often.” He stood and pulled me into his arms again, kissed me on top of my head, and then stepped away. “Ready to join the real world?”
I nodded. “I guess so. I need to do some serious apologizing. Give me a few minutes, though. I’m going to take a shower and change into some clean clothes so I can feel human again.”
“Okay. I’ll wait for you in the sitting room. The others are working on a project in the greenhouse. We’ll meet up with them when you’re ready.”
I thanked Chas and walked him to the door. It was hard to let go of the good feelings he brought with him.
The thought of wearing bright, cheerful colors made me sick. I grabbed an outfit all in black. I also spent plenty of time in the shower, carefully washing my hair before diligently drying it and pulling it into a neat, tidy bun. I was procrastinating, but it was needed. Calm settled into my bones as I performed the menial tasks.
I made my bed and then headed out the door half an hour later, finally ready to face the world.
◆◆◆
Seeing everybody again wasn’t as bad as I thought. Peony rushed to me as soon as Chas and I walked into the greenhouse and hugged me tightly.
“How do you feel, sweetheart?” she asked.
“I’m not sure. I guess a little numb.”
Peony kept her hands on my arms as she studied my face intently, probably looking for signs of insanity or evil lurking somewhere deep inside. “I know this isn’t going to help you now, but honey, every one of us has something we wish we could take back. Every magician makes mistakes. When you have the time, I’ll be happy to tell you all about the smoldering wreckage I left behind me when I first tapped into my magic. I’m almost entirely light, but I still managed to create havoc, including injuring my sister.”
I blinked. “You did?”
“Oh, my. Yes, I did! My grandfather stuck around for weeks after my Ascension Ceremony, and it wasn’t until I nearly blew up my sister, Rose, that I understood why. He said it happened in our family all the time and he knew how to remedy the effects. My sister didn’t talk to me for months, but eventually, she forgave me. Grandfather helped me learn proper control. I was warned, too, but I didn’t understand what they meant until it was too late.”
I relaxed a little. As awful as it was to cause the death of countless innocent birds, I hadn’t hurt any people, much less my own family. Peony must have been devastated she lost control, and she was the strongest woman I had ever met.
I was beginning to suspect that I wasn’t the only one whose magic was potentially stronger than Armageddon’s, although I was positive my aunt and uncle wouldn’t want anyone to know. Great power attracts great enemies. Armageddon would never allow Peony to be targeted in any way.
Chas had promised me that he wouldn’t leave my side for as long as I needed him, so my uncle kept his distance. I knew it was because of the things I said to him, which made me sad. Armageddon and I had grown close over the past few months, but his distrust of Chas had damaged our relationship. He straightened and walked towards me hesitantly as if he wasn’t sure of his reception. Maybe he thought I blamed him for my tantrum, but I didn’t. I was mad at him, true, but what happened wasn’t his fault. It was mine.
I didn’t pull away when my uncle rested his hand on my head for a moment, saying, “You’re still the sweet, wonderful girl you’ve always been. It was only a mistake. I know you hate yourself for what happened. I know you won’t want to forgive yourself, and that’s okay for now, but try to remember it hasn’t changed you. You aren’t a bad person. You will get past this.”
I appreciated his words. He was right. I hadn’t forgiven myself. I couldn’t think of a way to do so.
I wasn’t exactly sure if my uncle was right about me not being a bad person. On the other hand, our enemies reveled in causing pain and damaging others. I could barely move because of what I did. It was the one thought I clung to - if I could feel sorrow and remorse, then I wasn’t broken and wrong. It just felt that way.
Mort reached over and grabbed my hand, tugging me away from the others. “Come on, Lia, I need your help. I have a project that must be completed before tomorrow when your final training begins. We’ve been working on it all night, but everyone has been too distracted to make much progress.”
We headed off through a little copse of trees. I was used to taking direction from Mort, and honestly, it was nice to throw myself into another project so I wouldn’t have to keep thinking depressing thoughts. The loving support from the others hurt just as much as it helped. I didn’t feel like I deserved it.
Once we rounded a corner in one of the cinder pathways, I saw a scaffolding. It had been shaped into a dome that was about twelve feet high and six times that in circumference.
“What’s that for?” I asked.
“You’re going to learn to fight with fireballs, my dear. We need something fireproof to keep us from burning the world down while you train.”
He had wanted to distract me, and it worked wonderfully. “Fireballs. Oh, wow. That’s great. Sure.” My mouth went dry.
Mort chuckled evilly. “The Taines love to use pyrotechnics when they’re fighting. They’ll need to show off for the audience, and fireballs hurt. Badly.”
A pile of shiny material was folded and stacked near the scaffolding. Mort pointed to it and explained what he needed from me. After a moment of deep reflection, I transported all of it onto the frame. Mort used his own magic to affix it, and within minutes we were done.
“It looks like a moon module or something,” I said.
“Not too far off, actually. Come on. You can help me set up the inside, too.”
We entered through a zippered door that Mort created with a spell as we walked. I looked around at a vast, empty interior. The ground had been cleared, and I wondered what had been growing there before.
“What do we need to do?” I asked.
Mort handed me a photograph. “This is what the stadium will look like when you are fighting in the second round. Our dome obviously isn’t as large, but I only need you to create a replica of the portion I circled in red.”
I nodded my understanding and then focused on the area he indicated. Stone and partially-tumbled brick walls were strewn about as if in a war zone. That made sense to me since Rector businesses were located in war-torn areas all over the globe. Vines and bushes surrounded a pool of swampy water. The terrain was rocky with dips and hills and ditches all over the place. I fixed the image in my mind, overlaid it mentally with the area where we were standing, and then released the magic I had inside of me. Within moments, we were in business.
“Great job, Lia! Impressive work. It would have taken us days to get this done without you.” Mort held out his hand for a high-five, and I smacked it, bemused that what I had just done was ridiculously easy.
“No problem, Mort. So, when are we going to start training?” I asked, both excited and dreading it. Mort was the best teacher I ever had, but his lessons usually ended with me flat on my back in agony.
“I want you ready to go at five o’clock tomorrow morning, and not a minute later. I find it’s best to learn on an empty stomach, so don’t eat anything beforehand. We’ll take a break when everyone else gets up.”
I
groaned. I hated early mornings and Mort’s insistence that we avoid food didn’t bode well. But the sooner we started training, the better. The trials were only five days away.
“Come on,” Mort said. “Let’s go back to the others. I’m sure they’re dying to comfort you some more.”
I laughed, which was what Mort wanted. They were all eager to make me feel better, and I appreciated it. But the truth was, I didn’t want to talk about it. I needed to deal with my own issues myself.
“All right, let’s go. But promise me that if anyone pats me on the head one more time, you’ll teach me how to make a fireball a little early. It’s starting to get annoying.”
“No problem, kiddo.” And of course, Mort patted me on my head.
Funny. Really funny.
SEVENTEEN
I Make Another Mistake
Later that night, after a hastily eaten supper, Peony and Armageddon got into an argument. Mort had already left to prepare for the morning’s lesson in the dome. Peter wasn’t there at all, having gone into the City for a short mission. Knowing him, he would be back by morning so he could watch at least the tail end of Mort’s and my mock battle.
It all started right after Chas excused himself from the table. He left to get a jacket since the evening was colder than usual, and we wanted to go for a ride.
Peony must have been biding her time since the words nearly burst from her lips. “Surely with all the manpower we have, and all the magicians sitting around eating me out of house and home, we have enough security to take Lia off the grounds. We need to get her equipment. You know some of it must be weighted exactly for her.”
Armageddon sighed. “Peony, it’s too dangerous. We can buy her what she needs when we sign her up for the trials.”
“We might not have enough time. We’re cutting it close already.” Peony’s face was flushed, and I kept switching my gaze between her and my uncle. I never saw my parents fight, so this was a new experience for me. I wasn’t sure I liked it much.
